Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Dear Therapists,

Before today's session gets underway, I recommend you pinch your nostrils shut with a clothespin, and breathe through your mouth. Apparently something crawled under my house and died.

At least I hope it's under the house and not hidden in some cabinet or closet I haven't opened lately.

The interior of my dryer absolutely reeks of dead rodent. Of course, such a stench will not remain cooped up in a dryer. The entire laundry room stinks. The family room stinks. I recognize this odor because of the mice that died in our house in Illinois. Of course, it could be dead rat. Or if it's definitely under the house, perhaps a feral cat hobbled in, seeking her final resting place.

Now, I've said this before, and I know I'll say it again, but when I write about my problems and my depression, I'm not seeking sympathy and absolutely will not tolerate the "advice," Oh, just quit thinking about it and you'll feel fine.

But I write about myself now because I'm starting a journey -- a journey to learn more about me (one of the reasons the blog is now private), the causes of my depression, and what I'm going to do to improve my feelings about myself. Melynda from will be my gentle companion and commander in chief on this journey. Melynda and I will tell you more about that later. Our Crazy World lady has been super busy with moving.

I don't want you to think that my feelings and what I'm doing will be the one and only topic on this blog. I'll still tell you stories about the nursing home and post my poetry and no doubt will have some reason to write about the dogs.

However, I do want to mention one problem before I get on with the show.

I'm not feeling loved. I realize you don't notice me now that my blog is private, and it's probably difficult to remember Janie Junebug. Today I have had a total of two page views and two comments. Perhaps you could get in the habit of visiting me before you go elsewhere?
And I promise that as soon as I get a few more things done around the house, I will sit down and learn to tweet and twit so you'll have daily reminders that I exist.

What I want to do now is post a poem by Maya Angelou. When I Think About Myself  has Janie Junebug written all over it -- figuratively. When you read this poem, please don't think I feel this way all the time, but I do feel this way far too often (certain lines that relate the black experience in a white world tend to express my feelings about being a woman in one man's world).

When I think about myself,
I almost laugh myself to death,
My life has been one great big joke,
A dance that's walked,
A song that's spoke,
I laugh so hard I almost choke,
When I think about myself.

Sixty years in these folks' world,
The child I works for calls me girl,
I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
Too proud to bend,
Too poor to break,
I laugh until my stomach ache,
When I think about myself.

My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell sound just like lying,
They grow the fruit,
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying, 
When I think about my folks.

Tomorrow I plan to post another poem by Maya Angelou, but it will express how I WANT to feel.

Infinities of love,



  1. When I mention my depression to someone or on my blog, I always get advice. I'm nice about it, but I just ignore them...especially after I knock the shit out of them wand step over their carcass. They just have no idea how I feel or what I am no advice for you from me. Just a hug (and a quick boob feel.) And I don't care for poetry so don't think bad of me if I don't comment when you publish them. I'm not smart enough to understand the meanings, though I do love a good Irish limerick.

  2. Dear Janie--I love you--& your blog--no matter what you choose to write!

  3. Here! I hope you can laugh, though not at yourself. Watch Mallrats.

  4. i am thankful to be along on this journey of yours, and i'm glad you are along for mine. i continue to emerge from darkness, which has been very present two out of the last three years. this year was much clearer, but i still am emerging. write what you will. i will read:)

    you are loved. it's just a new routine and we are adjusting. i'm used to having a blog link on a profile. instead i dive into my email to find the link. it's okay. it's a new routine i'm working out. you're worth it:)

    hope you are having a great day:)

  5. I get busy sometimes and don't always go out into bloggy land, and even when I do, I don't always comment, but I probably read your blog more than any other. I love your poems, your stories, your movie reviews, your introspection, and so much more.

    Lack of visits on any given day does not mean lack of love. Quit looking at the statistics or you'll drive yourself mad!

    Side note of no relevance, but sort of interesting: Ever since your change to the new blog format, my "followers" widget has been indecisive. Sometimes it has *two* Johnny Depp icons; other times it has just one of your Janie Junebug icons and no Johnny Depp. Sometimes it toggles back and forth as I click around visiting my various bloggy friends. All very strange... I think Blogger is having a hard time keeping up with you!

  6. Also, don't rule out the possibility that the dead rodent is inside the back part of the dryer... we had a horrid little rat invade our laundry room once, and it made a nest in the back side of the washer and eventually chewed a hole through the rubber water hose, causing it to leak all over the floor. Once we figured out the cause of the leak, we were able to flush it out of its hiding spot and kill it and then we replaced the hose and cleaned up all the rat poop. Ugh, it was awful.

  7. Coffey, You are absolutely right, friend. No one understands exactly how you feel so people should shut the hell up. And please feel free to cop a virtual boob feel.

    fishducky, I LOVE YOU and I am honored that my blog bears the fishducky seal of approval.

    Joshua, I've seen Mallrats! I think it's great, and I love Clerks. Kevin Smith is the man. I quite often watch comedies to keep my depression in check.

    Ed, You're the best. Maybe you will guest post for me sometime about how you deal with your darkness? Or write a post for me to answer my big questions: What are love and intimacy? And I mean between a man and a woman, but I don't mean sex. Or maybe you could write on those topics for your blog, and I'll put a link here on Janie Junebug for the chosen few.

    LegalEagle, I have noticed on a number of blogs that I have turned into two Johnny Depps. Whatever. I was concerned about the stats for two reasons: 1. Are people forgetting I exist? 2. Are members unable to get to the blog? It seems a little better today and I think members are adjusting, just as Ed said.

    As for your rat, it has occurred to me that a rodent is living inside the washer or dryer in a place where I can't see it. Favorite Young Man said he'll come over tomorrow night to help me with some stuff. One bit of stuff will be pulling out the washer and dryer and looking under them. The odor was horrible this afternoon, but now, either it's died down, or I'm becoming accustomed to it and can't smell it. : (

  8. LegalEagle, The rodent stench disappeared last night as suddenly as it arrived! I'm still going to ask FYM to look under the washer and dryer.

  9. Dear Janie,
    I'm glad that you and I found one another. I went through a dark journey for twelve years. It started in the convent and continued for the next eleven years.

    Fortunately I found a compassionate and discerning psychiatrist who helped me find the patterns in my life. Once I recognized them I then chose which to feed and which to starve.

    She also suggested a medication that I've taken now for thirty-five years and will until I did. The depression, you see, caused a chemical imbalance in my body. I need the medication to balance my chemistry.

    So I do have some understanding of what life is like for you. And I send you warmth when your heart is cold and a cool breeze when your mind is muddled.


  10. Ah, Dee, when I read your comment I felt the touch of a warm hand. Thank you.


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