Monday, June 23, 2014

BULLY FOR YOU: STEPHANIE NEIGHBOUR AND HER BOUNDLESS COMPASSION


Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Please allow me to introduce you to Stephanie Neighbour, today's BULLY FOR YOU guest postess:



I have a special fondness for this lovely woman. She's an excellent writer with a great sense of humor. Her posts often make me laugh or provide me with the encouragement I need so badly at a given moment that I have to wonder if she's writing especially for me. Stephanie loves dogs and provides gentle care to her disabled dachshund, Autumn. 

Since she went through the hell of being bullied, she's used her experiences to bring more kindness and compassion to the world.

You can find Stephanie in the following places:


And now I'm honored to present Stephanie Neighbour:


Bullying has been around forever but over the last few years, and thanks in part to the Internet, we’ve finally started to wake up. Each year, countless numbers of young people dread heading off to school where they are taunted, threatened,pushed, kicked, tripped, and verbally abused. That information is what we hear from those who actually make it through their school years. We have also learned that bullying is a root cause of many teen suicides, which is why it is so important for all of us to share our stories.

I was just beginning my high school career when a brother and sister duo—notorious for their bullying—decided to label me, a dyke. I had no idea what the word meant other than it was also used when some students referred to the most hated gym teacher in the school. Eventually, I discovered that the term was not street slang that meant gym teacher. I also learned to keep my head down and my mouth shut. I went out of my way to avoid the brother/sister ringleaders, and all of their cohorts but it always proved to be quite the daunting task.

Back in the early 1980’s, we lacked awareness about the long-term effects of being tormented by our peers, leaving targeted students to suck it up and get through the days. There was no formal labeling, teachers often looked the other way and our parents rarely got involved. The irony in my situation was that the father of the siblings, who made my days a living hell, happened to be one of the most popular teachers at our school. While he went about his teaching day, his son and daughter were tearing through the student body, bullying for sport.

I managed to get through high school with nothing more than some social anxieties and a tattered ego. I’m sure there are others who were not so fortunate. Since graduation, I have never attended school functions, reunions or kept in contact with more than a handful of my former classmates. It’s been almost thirty-years since the turbulent days of high school but I will always remember the names and faces of those who filled my days with torment. Recently, I had a chance encounter with one of those faces—the sister-half of the duo that had made my life hell.

I met my partner at her daughter’s soccer game, and soon discovered that my former tormentor was also a parent of another girl on the team. As she stood less than five-feet away, she didn’t seem to recognize me, but I remembered her right away. I wasn’t surprised to learn that she was now a teacher at the very same school where she had wreaked so much havoc. Her father—himself a bully—had many long-standing ties with both the school district and numerous town officials.

I continued my eavesdropping and learned that in some bizarre twist of karmic voodoo, her youngest child had become a target of some neighborhood bullies. A few moments later, her son— a cute little guy with blonde hair and blue eyes—came wandering over and plopped down in the grass by his mother’s side. It became apparent to me that he had some difficulty communicating and when I asked my partner, she told me that the boy had autism. As his mother discussed an autism awareness event she was hosting at the school, I could not help but feel compassion for both her and the sweet little boy. I silently applauded her efforts to support her son and other families who live with autism but I also wondered, had she given any thought to the countless numbers of others her words and actions had harmed in the past? I doubt I’ll ever know.

My adult-self stopped seeing her as the merciless teenager I remembered and instead, I saw her as a mother whose child was now being tormented as a result of his condition that was no fault of his own. It pained me to think of this likable young boy being subjected to the cruelty of others and I could only begin to imagine the pain it caused his mother. As a student of Buddhism, which probably saved my life, I searched my heart for compassion and wished for them, nothing but good.

I don’t know if this person has changed but I would hope that she is using her position as a teacher to do her part and take action when she witnesses acts of bullying. As a parent, she now sees first-hand the effects of mean-spirited words and actions and I can only hope that in some small way, her son has given her the gift of a more compassionate heart.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, Stephanie. I won't be at all surprised, Gentle Readers, if some of you report that Stephanie's post brought tears to your eyes.

Please leave her some bloggy love in the comments, and consider visiting her Web site.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

46 comments:

  1. Hi Janie and Stephanie ... a really informative read and probably an article or post that should be read by many ... I had minimal 'bullying' but am aware of others who are put through it .. and it's so unfortunate and so unfair.

    I wonder like you if she's thought about her past actions, or those of her father ... but I'm glad she's being supportive of others and particularly her son .. and glad you found room in your heart for her ..

    An excellent guest post ... and all the best - Hilary

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    1. Hi Hilary and thanks for the kind words. I hope for the sake of her kids and those she teaches that she has had a change of heart. She is doing good work for the autism community and for that, I applaud her. :)

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    2. Thanks for joining us, Hilary.

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  2. I am honored to meet you, dear Stephanie, and I thank you for reporting in and sharing your compelling story. As I think back to my own experiences I recall what seems like a disproportionate number of bullies whose parents were prosperous, well connected and held positions of leadership and authority in the community. That list includes children of teachers, police officials, lawyers and ministers. Unfortunately some children of prominent people have a sense of entitlement that causes them to break the rules, misbehave and engage in bullying behavior "because they can," because they know they can count on mom and dad to use their clout to fix problems and clean up their messes.

    It is very sad to realize how many young people have to keep their heads down and mouths shut and attempt to fly under a bully's radar in order to get through the school day. How can our children get a decent education when they are dodging bullies and dealing with taunts, threats and other such distractions?

    I applaud you, Stephanie, for turning your painful experiences into compassion. I carried anger and bitterness around inside me for years until I got into programs that allowed me to channel it constructively. I stopped running revenge scenarios through my brain, flipped a switch and saw the same people and circumstances through a new set of eyes. We all have the same choice. We can choose a course of action (or inaction) that results in two wrongs or we can create a win-win. The latter feels so much better.

    The girl/woman in your story who is now the mother of an autistic boy has learned a lesson. It is the same lesson that life has taught you. Thank you, dear Stephanie, for choosing to come from love and compassion.

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    1. Thank you for reading and sharing your own feelings/experiences. I think it's great that we have started to come around and shed light on to such an important topic. Too many kids go to school afraid and can't/won't/don't weak up. The more stories we share, the more opportunity for even one person to be touched. Authority figures and parents are often the root cause of bad behavior and I believe it's about time they get on board and take responsibility for their own actions. Like you, it took me MANY years to get to a place where I could process my feelings in a healthy fashion. Great to meet you and continued happiness to you.

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  3. A very moving post. Thanks for sharing it with us. Let's hope this woman has indeed changed, now knowing "how it feels" when a child is bullied.

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  4. Thanks for reading and yes, hopefully her child has opened her heart to the plight of others. Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk that mile in someone else's shoes. :)

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  5. Wow that was good. Just yesterday I was thinking about some of my tormentors from HS. Timely post for sure. Thanks

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    1. Would you like to write a guest post about being bullied?

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    2. Funny how often I see people from high school and I still run the other way. 30 years later and I find myself ducking into aisles in stores to avoid any eye contact. Matter of fact, I just received an invite for our 30th reunion and our class president was shocked when I respectfully declined. I've moved beyond the past but it doesn't mean I want to break bread with any of them. :) A gal has to set limits...

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    3. Stephanie, I agree about setting limits. I have to protect myself.

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  6. It sounds like this woman learned some compassion. I hope her child is not tormented throughout his school years. Bullying is such a nasty thing!

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    1. Hi Sherry,
      I hope he isn't bullied, too. Who knows these days and I think a lot has to do with the parenting from the other kids. I would hope that there is enough awareness about conditions such as autism but, you never know. Bottom line is picking on others for any reasons from wearing the "wrong" sneakers to having a disability, and everything in between is just wrong. We all have to speak up to support others. Thanks for reading. :)

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  7. Great post. . . and funny (e.g., Bullying for sport).
    You’ve taken the high road as a reaction to your being bullied: you don’t seek revenge and you have compassion for your bullies. Like a good Neighbour, Stephanie is there (Sorry, everyone, including State Farm).
    The low road is so easy to take. I note in Cleft Heart that as surgeries made me more normal, I began to be less compassionate for underdogs. Victims have to watch out for the Mean Girls effect: the bullied becoming bulliers.

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    1. Good point, Karl, and I snickered at "like a good Neighbour." That's cute, and very true. Stephanie is the kind of person who is "there" for others.

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    2. Ha! Love that, Karl and now I will have that ear worm for the rest of the day. Good old State Farm. It took me a VERY long time to find that road but I am glad I found it. Nothing can eat away at the soul like anger/negativity and baggage. We have to learn to put it down and move on. It isn't ours to carry. :)

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  8. I had lunch with one of the popular girls from school recently and she told me a story about a time when she reached out and was nice to a girl everyone isolated. The girl was kind of defensive at first--a sign of just how much damage had been done--but once the popular girl got through, she actually helped the girl who had been isolated one day when she really needed it. Several years later, the popular girl ran into the isolated girl at a mall where she was working while in college and the isolated girl ran up and hug her and said that just that one nice act had saved her life. I told my stepdaughter that story--I hope it sticks. One kind word can make ALL the difference. I prefer to think of the Taylor Swift song "Mean" when it comes to bullies and believe the bullied eventually prevail while the bullies end up drunks in a bar having amounted to nothing!

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    1. Although I've often wished for a bad outcome for the kids who bullied my children, Stephanie's post has me re-thinking my wish.

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    2. Wow, Stephanie. I love that story and even more, I think it's awesome that you are sharing that message with your stepdaughter. Sometimes one person can be the change. This gives me so much hope. Thanks for sharing. :)

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  9. It certainly brought tears to my eyes. Stephanie, you are so strong. Not only did you make it through your high school years without becoming a bully yourself, but you're able to see her as a mother who loves her son. That is beyond amazing. I'm not sure that I would be strong enough to do the same thing. In the past couple of years, I've been working on forgiving others and myself, even though I learned not to trust certain people. However, I'm not sure that I could see a former bully and not walk right up to them to demand why they did that. They probably don't know and most probably don't even realize that they were bullies, which is something I remind myself constantly now.

    I would like to think that they all grew up and became loving adults who support their children, as well as anyone else who needs it. Something caused them to be bullies and I think we need to do everything in our power to stop it, but I think we should follow your lead and try to see them as something else, try to find some sort of forgiveness so that we can find peace. Thank you for sharing that with us.

    Love,
    Rachel

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    1. I suspect that many of the bullies from our pasts would deny that they ever did anything, or they wouldn't even remember us.

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    2. Hi Rachel and yes, it is definitely not an easy place to get to. It took many years of therapy and working on myself to get past the anger and simply see people as human. We are all flawed, no one is perfect but I do hope for her that her child will show her the importance of having a kind heart. I don't know that I would ever exchange words with her but I do applaud her efforts and wish her and her family nothing but good.

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  10. I will visit her, purely because she looks like someone I would like. Thank you.

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  11. A beautiful, thoughtful & well written post!!

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    1. Thank you and I appreciate the kind words :)

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    2. Thank you and looking forward to seeing you on the blog. I appreciate you taking the time to read the post because I think what Janie is doing here is wonderful. :)

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    3. I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read my post today. I especially want to thank Janie for inviting me to be her guest in this wonderful space. She is a talented writer who supports many and has a wicked sense of humor. I happen to think she is one class act. Here's to you, Janie. A huge thank you from the bottom of my heart. xx

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    4. Aw, shucks. I appreciate all the guest posts, and we have more to come. Although they're on the same topic, each person has a unique story that adds to our knowledge.

      You're welcome, Stephanie, and thank you. You are a talented writer, and talk about a wicked sense of humor!

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  12. Glad you're joining us on Friday, Janie. My book for this month takes bullying head on.

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    1. That's great. Would you like to write about it for one of our BULLY FOR YOU guest posts?

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    2. About the book? About bullying in general? Let me think about it. You might have a gander at my post on Friday then we can discuss where to take it from there.

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    3. Whatever you want. I welcome everyone who has any kind of bullying tale to tell, including book reviews.

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  13. Great post, Stephanie. A brother/sister duo? Institutionalized with their father being an authority at the school? That's just brutal, like some Shakespearean nightmare. Hopefully her life experience has caused that bully to change and not just become hardened to the world except her one pet issue (not saying her autistic child is a pet but that autism is her pet issue, the one thing she cares about outside of herself, but again, hopefully that's not the case). Sorry you had to go through that.
    Also, to Janie, if I ever get to do a guest post, can you call me "guest posterior"? But I don't have a good bully story.

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    1. I'd love to call you a guest posterior. You can make up a story about how you helped a bully learn to be loving and kind. Or you can write a guest post about something else and I'll use it when BULLY FOR YOU is over. I can't think of anything I'd like more than a Pickleope Von Pickleope guest post, unless someone delivers a pizza. A pizza could distract me. Or a new book. And I just ordered two bras from Victoria's Secret. I'll probably be pretty caught up in those when they arrive. But other than all those things and a few others, I can't think of anything other than you, Pickleope.

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  14. It would be really nice for her to take a stand. The biggest people to help influence the future generations are the teachers. They are with the kids for a great part of their day.

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    1. Hi and thanks for reading and sharing. I agree re: teachers and hopefully, this person has learned the importance of teaching others tolerance. I can only hope she uses her position for good and her reach extends beyond the needs of her own son. :)

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  15. Excellently written, although I'll admit, I don't know if I could get past some of the stuff that was done to me.

    Thing is this whole social media thing has made it oh so much easier to reopen the wounds. I'll get a friend request and I'm like "Seriously? They tormented me, why would I want to revisit that?" or even better... the reunions. Thanks... but anyone I want to see from that time I already see on my own. As you both said above in the comments... a gal must have her limits. :)

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    1. HI Juli,
      Oh yes, limits are important to set and stick to. Like I said, I will never attend a reunion or alumni function because I really have no desire to socialize with these sorts of people. I *think* for our own well-being, it is important to forgive even though we'll need forget. I am also shocked by some of the friend requests I get on social media but I guess the same anonymity that applies to online antics like cyber bullying spill over to reconnecting with the past. They forget, we haven't. Best to you, stay strong and thanks for reading and sharing. :)

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  16. Thanks for this post, Stephanie. And Janie, thank you so much for your caring comments on my posts.

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    1. Hi Inger and thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed the post and Janie is THE best. (Don't tell her I said that…) :)

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    2. I'm so sorry for everything you and your husband are going through, Inger. I wish I could do more than leave caring comments. And Stephanie, I am not the best, but I try to fly and not get too close to the sun.

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  17. You know, it's amazing how when you leave a place behind, it freezes in your memory. People never change. The backdrop is forever memorialized. We do change though. No one remains the same over time, and I sometimes wonder what became of some of those people who were awful in school. Isn't it funny how time gives you perspective?

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    1. Hi Crystal,
      You hit the nail on the head with that last comment, "time gives you perspective." I like to believe that I have worked hard to change, evolve and move on so I can be a better version of me. Perhaps some never do but I hope, as this person is in a position to influence children, that she has done some changing. Of course she will be an advocate for her son, I just hope she is an advocate for others. Thanks for reading :)

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  18. As someone who found school to be a place that I had to endure and not enjoy I get that is not easy to see those who made life hell as grown adults who now may have to deal with a child who is bullied but it happens maybe it is a touch of karma who knows not me that's for sure.

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    1. Hi Jo-Anne,
      Sorry to hear that you went through tough times in school. I never enjoyed high school but before that, I was able to blend in. It seems the high school years are the worst for many since kids and I know that so many, especially in the LGBT community, suffer on a regular basis. Perhaps the son is a touch of karma because now she sees the results of bullying. I'm not are that the boy grasps the effects (probably a good thing) but it has to be heartbreaking for a parent. Even a parent who was herself, evil as a child. One can only hope that lessons were learned and she passes them on to others. Thanks for reading and sharing. :)

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