Friday, June 29, 2012


Dear Elisa and Melynda.

Before I continue, Gentle Readers . . .  and Maxwell, I must explain that today I am writing a private letter to Elisa 



about Elisa's brother, Shane. If you feel you must share in this private moment, then go ahead and read my letter because for you I have nothing better. PAT HATT, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Let's try again.

Dear Elisa and Melynda,

I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse: I am willing to take Shane off your hands. Melynda, lure Shane to Elisa's. Between the two of you mini-mights, stuff Shane in a box, bound and gagged. Since he's gagged, he won't need bread and water and it won't hurt him to have wet pants.

I have calculated that the cheapest way for you to send him to me will be mailing him parcel post. That will also take the longest, so he'll have a lot of time to think about how grateful he'll be to get out of his box. Then, when I open the box and he sees me, he'll be so happy he'll forget all about what the two of you did and it won't even occur to him to press charges.

Now, Elisa, I know you're thinking, Even though Shane is a pain in my little behind and the prank war with him is driving me crazy, he's my brother and I can't give him away, even to someone I love because of course I love Lola very much.

Elisa, You must not be so selfish. I have wanted a brother since before mine died. Plus, I promise you that you will forget him quickly. You'll look at my blog and one morning you'll see a video of Shane playing the guitar and I'll be singing, and you'll think, He looks kind of familiar.

But you'll laugh at our antics and forget that you once knew the goof ball.

Melynda, you will read my blog and laugh about the body parts I put in Shane's meals. No more Shane to bother you. You'll forget him too, and love Lola even more.

Don't be selfish, girls. Shane will be delighted to have a chocolate-covered penis for breakfast.

You will be so happy without Shane. After what he did to you, I don't know how you can stand the sight of him anyway.

To see what Shane did to Elisa and Melynda, click on the link to Shane's blog:

Middle Damned

Who wouldn't be willing to give up this kind of harassment?

I'm older and more experienced than you are, Elisa and Melynda. I can take Shane in hand, and I'm talking about a firm hand, and I can give him the paddling he needs. Shane will be so pleased when he's under my control.

And we'll still have fun. Did you see the comment I left at his blog?

I said: Shane, Thank God you're not my brother (he's dead anyway). I laughed so hard at this post that it almost makes up for not having sex in 10 years. Almost. I'm going to follow you bad boy. I hope you follow me.

Shane is a wise fellow, from time to time. He took the hint, and now he's my follower. He's almost in my web and my bed, girls, and you can help him to come the rest of the way.

Infinities of love,



  1. As you know, I am ALMOST never speechless--but I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA of what to say!!

  2. I'm surprised you haven't seen this post before, fishducky. I wrote it a while back during the height of the prank war that is Shane v. Elisa and Melynda.

  3. This made me laugh so much! I don't know what is going on between you, but you wrote it so well.
    My brother tried to get rid of me as a kid too. He told all of our neighbours that he had found me in the street and would they take me in.
    Hummm, I got the feeling that he didn't like having a two-year-old around much!

  4. Love the coconut! Thank God it was before Brazilians.

  5. Now I am going to have that chocolate penis in my head for the rest of the the whole post made me giggle and to end it with a chocolate penis way to

  6. It was 117 degrees in Phoenix today, the chocolate penis would melt.

  7. Too funny. Guess I was lucky. Worst thing my brother ever did to me was set my hair on fire. (Talk about STINK!) After seeing Mrs. Tuna's comment, I feel much cooler. Only hit 106 here in Atlanta.

  8. And I have absolutely NO idea what you're talking about...but keep on kiddo. Just don't let the guys in the white coats catch you.

  9. I am not a fan of's a texture thing.

  10. This is still just as hilarious as it was the first time. I love it ;)


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