THANK YOU, BABS RAINBOW

 

THE TUCKS MAN a.k.a. oh how the mighty have fallen

Update: When I first published this post, it had the wrong version of the video I created. Sorry about that error. I hope I have it straightened out now. 

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

As you can imagine, I, along with everyone else in the US, have been very worried about Tucker Carlson since he was fired from Fox News. I was relieved when I found out he had another job, but apparently that hasn't been going too well.

Views for "Tucker Carlson on Twitter" posts (assume the number of people who actually viewed the videos is much much lower).

Announcement: 137.1M
Ep. 1: 120M
Ep. 2: 60.6M
Ep. 3 (Trump indicted): 104.1M
Ep. 4: 32.4M
Ep. 5: 17.3M
Ep. 6: 32M
Ep. 7: 15.4M
Ep. 8: 8.6M

😬😬😬 pic.twitter.com/qd9Ox2WiFx

— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) July 7, 2023

So I think the first thing Tucker needs to do is change his name to a catchy nickname. I suggest "The Tucks Man." Yes, I know Tucks is the name of a treatment for hemorrhoids, but no one will remember that.

I suppose one or two party poopers will think it's funny to say that The Tucks Man is the hemorrhoid on the ass of America

but we, his loyal fans, know that isn't true.

Now that we have a great nickname for Tucker, we have to come up with a new job for him and I have some suggestions.

I know you all join me in wishing Tucks well. Do you have any advice for Tucker, job related or otherwise? I'm sure he'll do a great job of covering the news about our true president's indictments.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FRANKLIN FRIDAY: OLE PENLAPEE IS FINE

 Hi! It's me me me me me Franklin the Bordernese. I love you every buddy! I'm an old man now but I'm still me me me Franklin the Bordernese and I ain't got no fleas!!!!

I've told you before but I figured I'd better tell you again that you can't take Ole Penlapee too serious. That new girl is named Princess. Her breed is called German Shepherd, but she barks in American. 

Princess got here the same way Penlapee did. Mom saw a pitcher of her online and it said Princess had a hard life and needed to be adopted. So Mom and Grandma drove to another town and came back with Princess. She was scared when she got here, but she's fine now. She's been learning her good doggy manners. 

Princess is a lot younger than we are so she has lots of energy. She likes to run and play, and she's been getting Penlapee to play with her. It's good for Ole Penlapee because she has arthuritis. Princess helps Penlapee get more exercise.

Penlapee is just jealous that Princess has gotten extra attention but Mom Mom would never make Penlapee go away. We love her too much. Penelapee gets crazy stuff in her head because she's a drama queen. 

I kinda had some drama for me a few months ago when I didn't feel so good. Auntie Rebekah came to see me and she brought her hubsand, my Uncle Eddie. I just love Uncle Eddie. He's nice. I know he loves me, too. 

He brushed my fur and while he brushed he noticed I had a red pimple on one of my back legs. He showed it to Mom so she kept an eye on it and the next day the bump was lots bigger and redder. So we went to the vet, but it wasn't my vet, Dr. G. He was out of the office for a little bit so we had to see another vet.

The other vet said I had cancer and for Mom to give me some pills but I was too old to have surgery. I didn't know what all that meant but Mom cried while she worked.

The whole time she worked and cried though she thought and planned so she checked on Dr. G. to find out when would he be back. Princess needed to meet him to get her first shots. 

Mom got the first appoinment for Princess that she could. Dr. G. said, Ms. Goltz, you got yourself a fine shepherd there. And she said, I think so, too, but I need to talk to you about Franklin. 

She was worried he would say what the other vet said––that I just had to have cancer––but no, Dr. G. said, Bring him in first thing tomorrow morning. Might be ah kin remove it. (He talks that way because he's from Georgia.)

The very next day Mom took me to Dr. G. I was scared but happy to be there because I had not been feeling one bit good. A few hours later, Dr. G. called Mom to say, Franklin came through the surgery just fine. He's enjoying his drugs now and you kin pick him up at 3:45. 

I had a bandage on my leg to cover up snitches. It all took a while to heal but now I'm all better and Mom doesn't cry.

I'm still an old man almost 15 years old but I wag my tail and I love my mom and my sisters and I'm doing just fine thank you very much. 

Okay Okay Okay That's all! Okay I love you Bye Bye!

And don't worry about Ole Penlapee!

PENELOPE SPEAKS: IT'S STILL HERE

 Hello. It is I, Penelope.

Get back here behind the couch with me.

We have to talk. Someone has to bring Mom Mom to her senses so she throws out that big ugly thing she brought into our home. That dog isn't royalty and she didn't go to the coronation. She wasn't even invited. She's German.

I know the English royal family has ties to Germany so don't start trying to teach me history. It turns out I'm the one who was invited to the coronation––I'm distantly related to those corgis––but I couldn't go because I had to protect Mom Mom and Franklin from the German invader. 

I guess that dog doesn't speak any English because she doesn't even sit when Mom Mom says sit. Sit is the easiest thing in the world. I learned it in about two minutes (editor's note: it took five years for Penelope to learn sit and she still avoids obeying the command). 

She eats all the time. She must be costing us a fortune and poor Mom Mom already works her tiny fingers to the bone tippity tapping all day on the computer for that work thing she does to get money for kibble and treats. Poor, poor Mom Mom. She couldn't possibly have known what she was getting into with this thing.

That girl is still a big time klepto, too. She stole a bar of soap from the edge of the bathtub and ate part of it! Why would anyone want to eat soap! YUCK! She still potties in the house sometimes. I have never never ever pottied in the house (editor's note: Penelope has had many accidents in the house for which she has always been forgiven). 

Because she is German, she gets all wild and rough. She ran into the village idiot, uh, I mean my poor frail, elderly big brother Franklin and knocked him down. It was horrible. I was so afraid he was badly injured and would have to go to the vet. My darling, beloved big brother turned out to be all right after he rested for a while. I was so very grateful. 

I thought she was royalty because her name gives that impression. Why would she have a name like that when she isn't royalty? Her name starts with the letter P just like my name. . . . just like my name . . . letter P . . . wait a minute . . . WAIT A MINUTE . . . I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON! Mom Mom brought in that younger bigger German dog with a P name to replace me! Mom Mom wants that dog instead of me!!! What am I going to do?

I see it now! It's been Mom Mom's plan all along to replace me with that P-word. 

And you know what else? No director ever called about making the Rudolph movie I was supposed to star in as the polka dotted elephant. Remember how Santa Paws brought my costume for Kissmas because it was a sign I would star in the movie?

A director was supposed to call me, but the call never came. I never got the call from the Daniels, or Spielberg, or the Coen brothers. Not even Darren Aronofsky or Paul Thomas Anderson.

When she learns to sit, I bet the call will come for her and it will be Marty Scorsese. My dream was to be directed by Marty. 

She has stolen my dream.

My costume won't fit her gigantic ass. She'll have to get her own. I suppose Marty will send Steven to deliver the costume to her in person. 

Woe is me. Woe is meeeeee. Waaaaaaah waaaaaaahhhh. All is lost. Waaaaaah. I guess I'll be the one Mom Mom throws out like a bag of garbage. Out to the road I'll go, never to be seen again. Waaaaaaah sniffle sniff My heart is broken, broken I tell you. The P-word will take my place in the house and she'll be Franklin's sister and Mom Mom's baby girl. It's the end of the world. I think I'll die. Waaaaah. Waaaah. This is my final blog post. I'll never get to write to you again. The supper I ate last night was the last supper. I'll never have a meal again. I'll starve to death. Waaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Abused all my life and now I'll be tossed out to starve and die. Maybe Auntie Maureen will see me and toss a bread crumb to me. Please, please help me, Auntie Maureen. I need you, Auntie Maureen. Waaaaaah. Auntie Rebekah, if you see this, maybe you will come to get me and give me a tiny drink of water when it's hot. Pretty please?

This is my last day on earth. Farewell, cruel world.

Before I go, I'll show a picture of that German girl's big ugly butt.

Someone needs to tell her to fahr zur Hölle.

RONALDO & DONALDO

 Greetings  from the land of The Great Ronaldo and The Mysterious Donaldo! 

Our state's miraculous magicians are working on their disappearing acts. Oh, how I wish they would make themselves disappear. Instead, Ronaldo wants to wave his wand to make woke vanish, but some judges have been getting in his way. What a disappointment for him. Donaldo, of course, wants to make charges, indictments, and everyone who disagrees with him go away. He, too, is a failure. If only he had gone through those boxes to remove his golf shirts, dirty underwear, and sweaty socks, then of course he would have returned those troublesome top secret documents right away. 

What to do, what to do. All I can say is Take it away, Randy Rainbow!

PENELOPE SPEAKS: SOMETHING IS WRONG

 Hello. It is I, Penelope.

Come over here where Mom Mom cannot see us. We must whisper. I will pretend to relax and enjoy my toys.

Someone is still staying with us. I expect her departure to be imminent. She is some sort of royalty; therefore, she will have to leave soon to attend the coronation of dopey-looking King Charles, where she will have to eat his quiche that has beans and lard.

This picture makes it look all nice and tasty, but real dogs do not eat quiche.

If she doesn't leave, then I'll be forced to reveal some information about her. I'll tell Mom Mom that royalty is a kleptomaniac. Mom Mom knows that royalty stole her towel while she was in the shower and Mom Mom said oh hahahaha that is so cute and funny hahahaha. What Mom Mom doesn't know is that royalty stole a Tupperware bowl from the kitchen counter. It has doggy treats in it. When royalty didn't know how to take off the lid, she dropped it and it rolled under the edge of the bed. Mom Mom didn't notice, but I'll make sure she sees it. 

The very worst thing of all is royalty stole Gordon, my adorable sloth toy. I knew royalty had him because she held him too tight in her mouth and he made a sad, horrible squeaking noise that sounded like waaaaaaah  waaaaaaaah. Royalty even took him outside. I had to rescue him. Thinking about the sound of Gordon crying as she carried him to the dirty yard brings tears to my eyes and I am the saddest I have ever been during my sad life as a miserable abused little bulldog and now I have to cry like Gordon. WAAAAAAAAAAH      WAAAAAAAAH   sniffle sniffle just a minute I need to blow my nose   WAAAAAAH  WAAAAAAAAAAAH  I CANNOT STOP CRYING. THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL WITH ROYALTY IN IT. SHE HAS TO LEAVE BEFORE SHE RUINS MY LIFE.

You just watch. One way or another, she will be out of here before the coronation. Do not tell Mom Mom about our discussion. 

Now I will take a little nap. Crying makes me so tired. That is all. Goodbye.

PENELOPE SPEAKS: I HAVE A NEW TOY

Hello. It is I, Penelope. 

My new toy came in Franklin's Bark Box. I don't know why since it obviously belongs to me because I say it does and I want it.

He is a sloth and his name is Gordon.

Sloths are lazy and slow. That is why I think Gordon's name should be changed to Mom Mom.  HAHAHAHAHAHAH    hahahahahahah   harrrrhahaha heeheehahhahahahahaharhee I can't stop laughing. I am so hilarious. hahahaha   ha ha ha

ha. 

Because of my position as Chief Dog In Charge of Little House On The Swamp, it is my doodie (HAHAHAHAHAH I just can't stop myself hahahahahaha ha ha hahaha) to inform you that someone is staying with us. I do not know her name. I do not know why she is here. I do not know how long she will be here. I have sniffed her. She seems acceptable, although she refuses to play with me. Now I have apprised you of this change and shall continue to do so as knowledge is revealed to me because it is my 

DOODIE!!!!

That is all. Goodbye.