Hello. It is I, Penelope.
Get back here behind the couch with me.
We have to talk. Someone has to bring Mom Mom to her senses so she throws out that big ugly thing she brought into our home. That dog isn't royalty and she didn't go to the coronation. She wasn't even invited. She's German.
I know the English royal family has ties to Germany so don't start trying to teach me history. It turns out I'm the one who was invited to the coronation––I'm distantly related to those corgis––but I couldn't go because I had to protect Mom Mom and Franklin from the German invader.
I guess that dog doesn't speak any English because she doesn't even sit when Mom Mom says sit. Sit is the easiest thing in the world. I learned it in about two minutes (editor's note: it took five years for Penelope to learn sit and she still avoids obeying the command).
She eats all the time. She must be costing us a fortune and poor Mom Mom already works her tiny fingers to the bone tippity tapping all day on the computer for that work thing she does to get money for kibble and treats. Poor, poor Mom Mom. She couldn't possibly have known what she was getting into with this thing.
That girl is still a big time klepto, too. She stole a bar of soap from the edge of the bathtub and ate part of it! Why would anyone want to eat soap! YUCK! She still potties in the house sometimes. I have never never ever pottied in the house (editor's note: Penelope has had many accidents in the house for which she has always been forgiven).
Because she is German, she gets all wild and rough. She ran into the village idiot, uh, I mean my poor frail, elderly big brother Franklin and knocked him down. It was horrible. I was so afraid he was badly injured and would have to go to the vet. My darling, beloved big brother turned out to be all right after he rested for a while. I was so very grateful.
I thought she was royalty because her name gives that impression. Why would she have a name like that when she isn't royalty? Her name starts with the letter P just like my name. . . . just like my name . . . letter P . . . wait a minute . . . WAIT A MINUTE . . . I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON! Mom Mom brought in that younger bigger German dog with a P name to replace me! Mom Mom wants that dog instead of me!!! What am I going to do?
I see it now! It's been Mom Mom's plan all along to replace me with that P-word.
And you know what else? No director ever called about making the Rudolph movie I was supposed to star in as the polka dotted elephant. Remember how Santa Paws brought my costume for Kissmas because it was a sign I would star in the movie?A director was supposed to call me, but the call never came. I never got the call from the Daniels, or Spielberg, or the Coen brothers. Not even Darren Aronofsky or Paul Thomas Anderson.
When she learns to sit, I bet the call will come for her and it will be Marty Scorsese. My dream was to be directed by Marty.
She has stolen my dream.
My costume won't fit her gigantic ass. She'll have to get her own. I suppose Marty will send Steven to deliver the costume to her in person.
Woe is me. Woe is meeeeee. Waaaaaaah waaaaaaahhhh. All is lost. Waaaaaah. I guess I'll be the one Mom Mom throws out like a bag of garbage. Out to the road I'll go, never to be seen again. Waaaaaaah sniffle sniff My heart is broken, broken I tell you. The P-word will take my place in the house and she'll be Franklin's sister and Mom Mom's baby girl. It's the end of the world. I think I'll die. Waaaaah. Waaaah. This is my final blog post. I'll never get to write to you again. The supper I ate last night was the last supper. I'll never have a meal again. I'll starve to death. Waaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Abused all my life and now I'll be tossed out to starve and die. Maybe Auntie Maureen will see me and toss a bread crumb to me. Please, please help me, Auntie Maureen. I need you, Auntie Maureen. Waaaaaah. Auntie Rebekah, if you see this, maybe you will come to get me and give me a tiny drink of water when it's hot. Pretty please?
This is my last day on earth. Farewell, cruel world.
Before I go, I'll show a picture of that German girl's big ugly butt.
Someone needs to tell her to fahr zur Hölle.