DEAR ELIZABETH - AT LAST

Gentle Readers,

I must interrupt my Christmas Wish List because of the passing of Elizabeth Edwards, who looked forward to death only because she could once again be with her son Wade. I know she hated to leave her other children.

Elizabeth is a woman who overcame much -- the loss of her oldest child, living with breast cancer right up until the moment it took her life, a cheating pig husband, a cheating pig husband .  . . oops I guess I said that twice.

Are you happy now John?

I'll be surprised if you actually marry the bimbo who had your child, or maybe I won't be. God only knows what you'll do and He will judge you for it. But I don't think it will be long before you move a new woman into the family home, a new woman for your children to tolerate, because you are a lying, cheating pig. You remind me a bit of Ted Hughes.

No love for John, but Elizabeth: You ruled.

Lola

WISH LIST VI

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Six cuff bracelets
Johnny Depp, Beck, and George Clooney
Four landscapers
Three Maytag appliances
Two storm doors
And a handy man with no plumber butt.

WISH LIST V

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Johnny Depp

Beck

And George Clooney

Four landscapers

Three Maytag appliances

Two storm doors

And a handy man with no plumber butt.

WISH LIST IV

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Four landscapers (chant on one note - to put in a pump so I'll have no more puddles of tadpoles in my backyard that are followed by frogs, flies, boils, and the rest of the seven plagues; to put in grass in the backyard because the grass that was there was destroyed by the puddles and the tadpoles; and to make the grass in the front yard lush and - drop one octave - proud)
Three Maytag appliances
Two storm doors
And a handy man with no plumber butt. 

WISH LIST III

Gentle Readers,

Before we continue with today's portion of Lola's Twelve Days of Christmas, I'd like to recommend the perfect gift:  The Amazon Gift Card Sent By Email, which you can also send by Facebook or print out and hand to someone. Or buy an actual Amazon Gift Card and tuck it in some lucky person's stocking or Christmas card. In case you haven't noticed, I loves me my books. Oh, and my sister says to get Barbra Streisand's My Passion for Design. There's also a Deluxe Limited Edition, in case you're a bit of a big spender. Anyway, it's not a good idea to cross my big sister, so I recommend you follow her recommendation.

Now, what will my true love give me next?

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Three Maytag appliances (washer, dryer, dishwasher)
Two storm doors
And a handy man with no plumber butt.


And if the handy man gets really handy and uses his hands just right, it could lead to a holy night of Christmas bliss.

Infinities of love,

Lola

WISH LIST II

On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two storm doors
And a handy man with no plumber butt.

WISH LIST I

Gentle Readers,

Please remain gentle and don't hate me because I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping.

But who will shop for Lola? Poor, poor Lola, who used to receive diamonds and rubies and emeralds and sapphires and a gorgeous (faux cuz I won't wear little animals) fur coat and clothes galore from the Nieman Marcus store and Sax Fifth Avenue laid out the red carpet especially for shoppers who said, I'm here to buy a gift for Lola.

Who will give Lola a Christmas gift?

Well, just in case you are in the mood to shop for Lola, I shall use the Twelve Days of Christmas as my Wish List. Here we go with Day One:

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A HANDY MAN WITH NO PLUMBER BUTT.


So, there. We have a good beginning. Each day for twelve days, counting today, I shall tell you what you can give me if you want to be my true love.

And always remember, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

Infinities of love,

Lola