WHAT? MONDAY

Dear Readers,

What did you do to welcome the New Year?

I did something I have never done before: I committed murder. 

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It was much easier than I thought it would be. 

 I killed Lola. Since she was a blow up doll, all I had to do was take a nice big needle and puncture her in a few places.

Please forgive me for leaving her chest uncovered in this photo. She isn't all that realistic-looking, so I wasn't too worried about covering her up.

Lola didn't suit me anymore.

I want to explore my identity without Lola hanging around. I want to find out who I am.

Yes, it's true: I am 52 years old, and I don't know who I am. I've had many identities, but I don't know if any of them were me. I made them up in acts of avoidance, such as avoiding abuse. Recently, I tried on a new identity. I thought she fit me perfectly. I thought at long last I knew who I was. I made her the best of me.

But she wasn't good enough. Now I'm lost again.

And I'm not going to find myself in a blow up doll box.

 So that's what I did at midnight. I poked Lola full of holes and threw her in the trash. The demise of Lola does not mean we'll never enjoy her sense of humor again or marvel at her quirkiness. But the aspects of her personality that we like will have to come from within me.

So, what did you do to welcome the New Year? Please don't tell me you killed someone unless you also had an unwanted Lola.

Infinities of love,

Janie  

WHAT? MONDAY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Today's What? Monday question might require some creative thinking for you, but it's healthy to think creatively, or to just plain lie.

The question is

What TV show or movie could be based on your life?

I chose this question because it's easy for ME to answer it.

Here are some hints about the TV show based on my life:

• It's only on in reruns now.
• It's about a mom and daughter.
• I look just like the mom and Someone I Love is prettier than the actress who played the daughter, and you'll simply have to take my word for that.
• I was the fastest talking, most fun mom on TV.

Did you get it? Did ya? Did ya? Huh? 

Yes, you did: The Gilmore Girls.

Damn. I look good, don't I? I know you think that's Lauren Graham a.k.a. Lorelai Gilmore, but it's really me. Lauren Graham looks just like me.

And this is the actress who played my daughter Rory, and yes, she is almost as beautiful as Someone I Love.

Now, how do I know this show was based on my life? While it's true I don't own or operate an inn, I could if I really wanted to. I used to talk fast when I was on the debate squad in high school. Lots of men adore me and I have sex with quite a few of them (just kidding, Someone I Love). Someone I Love and I are very close. Someone I Love really did go to an expensive prep school, where she was the valedictorian. But instead of majoring in journalism (dumb choice on Rory's part with newspapers going down the toilet), SIL majored in math and physics.

So now I know you can totally see that Lorelai Gilmore and I are one and the same and The Gilmore Girls was based on my life.

Can't you imagine me saying, as Lorelai and I said on the show: 

Lorelai: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want? 
Luke: That's right. 
Lorelai: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano? 
Luke: Only scarier. 

[Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk] 
Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow. 
Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai? 
Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling. 
Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy? 
Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me. 
Lorelai: If only I had that power. 

[Lorelai answers her cell phone] 
Lorelai: Hello? 
Emily: You get over here right now! 
Lorelai: Who is this? 
Emily: This is you in twenty years! "Who is this?", I swear! 

Rory: Mom? 
Lorelai: Oh. 
Rory: You're happy. 
Lorelai: Yeah. 
Rory: Did you do something slutty? 
Lorelai: I'm not that happy. 

Luke: Rory's not here yet. 
Lorelai: Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay Burger boy, dance. 
Luke: Will you marry me? 
[Lorelai is taken aback] 
Luke: Just looking for something to shut you up. 

Oh man, don't you just love all the hilarious things I said? I crack myself up. The last quotation is particularly apropos because there's this man, not named Luke, and he asks me to marry him all the time. Almost every day. At least once a week. Or he used to once in a while but doesn't anymore.

Did you find this post confusing? I hope not. It's just the way Lorelai and I are.

Now, how bout you, baby?

What TV show or movie could be based on your life?

Give it some thought. Be creative.

Infinities of love,

Lorelai Lola

P.S. You may have noticed we have 98 followers. I really want 100 followers for Christmas, so if you're reading but not following, please do so, or convince a friend to follow. Or threaten someone, if necessary.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY REPUTATION

Gentle Readers,

I had a bad reputation in high school. Supposedly I was a slut. I don't think I did nearly as much as a lot of girls. No sex till I was almost 18.

Have I told you this story before? I can't remember and I'm too tired and lazy to go back through my posts to look. Oh well, if you've seen this stuff before, then you can sit through it one more time, and if you haven't seen it, boy do I have a story for you.

I kind of liked to tease some boys and flirt with them, but I had one and only one serious (read sexual) relationship. However, by my senior year I could tell that rumors about me were getting out of control. Kids were saying some pretty nasty shit about me and to me. I was really confused.

And I was in high school when the double standard (boys are cool if they have sex but the girls who do it are nothing but sluts) was alive and well. I hope it's not as bad now. Why shouldn't a woman be able to enjoy sex without being tortured about it by other people?

Then after I graduated from high school and started college, I became pretty close friends with a very nice girl we'll call Schmoozeann. Schmoozeann had been pretty close friends with a girl from my high school we'll call Barrie, who supposedly was my best friend. It was Schmoozeann who finally told me that Barrie informed everyone that I was having an affair with a married man during senior year.

No wonder people freaking talked nasty about me! Not that it was any of their business, but I don't think much of men who cheat and it's not a good idea for women to grant them the opportunity. As one who has been cheated on, I can tell you that infidelity does not lead to anything good.

Barrie had pretty much disappeared after high school, but I was able to tell Schmoozeann what really happened.

It was Barrie who fucked a married man. Maybe telling people it was me helped ease her guilt, or maybe she liked the attention she received when she told her little tales.

Looking back on that time, however, I wish I had gone ahead and used my bad rep. I could have done the nasty with all sorts of good looking and interesting guys. No AIDS then. As long as we used birth control, very little to fear.

I could have gotten me some damn good sex and I missed the opportunity.

Shit! That's all I have to say: SHIT!

Infinities of love,

Lola

HERE IN COUGARVILLE

Gentle Readers, and Dirrrty Readers,

I want to be a cougar.

I want to be a serious cougar.

I want to be like Samantha on Sex and the City.

I will find my young man, have my way with him, and then say, "Shoo! Shoo! I want to read now. I'll call you when I need you."

I bring experience to the table and absolutely no danger of pregnancy.

And since the photo I have posted of myself, Lola, is that of a hound dog I knew and loved you have absolutely no idea what a fun
sexy
dirty
bitch
I can be.

Oh, don't you hope you'll be the one to find out? Males only, however. Young, sexy, males. Small butt. Nice muscles. Polite. Not selfish. Not too full of yourself. Must love dogs.

Oh yeah, I wanna be a cougar.

Big Time.

Love,

Dumped First Wife