Thursday, January 27, 2011


Gentle Readers,

Your Lola awoke again yesterday wondering where he was. He wasn't in the bed, so where could he be?

When will I ever stop waking up and looking for him?

How long has it been? Two years? He's not coming back. He was never really there. So why do I wake and wonder?

The night goes on forever, the time won't pass, 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 . . . and on and on it continues. The attempt to have true intimacy with another person -- is it just a fantasy or is it possible? I have no more close relationships and few friends, just some people who are kind enough to tolerate me. No medicine takes away this pain.

Take the darkness and the daylight away and let me sleep the sleep of the dead forever. Death is a continuum.  Out of the cradle endlessly rocking. When lilacs last in the dooryard bloomed. I miss you Dr. C. I miss being special to someone.

I don't want to leave the house, my cocoon, but we need dog food.

Infinities of love,



  1. Oh Lola, I think you may be underestimating how much your friends care. You are so clever and have such a good sense of humor -- people surely do more than "tolerate" you! I bet they love your company. And I know your children must love you very much. It would be impossible not to love a mom such as you.

    That said, I do understand the pain of depression. I have felt it often.... days when I just want to stay in bed, wrapped in my blankets, and sleep forever.... I'm on the brink these days, too -- barely functional, questioning existence, and feeling insignificant and unworthy. I keep going, keep getting out of bed each morning and going through the motions, because I've been here before and I know that, eventually, the feeling that life is worth living comes back.

    I hope your pain will lessen soon. Meanwhile, please know that there are people who care.

    Infinities of love,

    (Not to steal your phrase or anything, but it is so beautiful)

  2. I stole it from Jane Austen. Everything is derivative (or just plain ripped off). But thank you.

    Infinities of love,


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