PENELOPE SPEAKS: IT'S STILL HERE

 Hello. It is I, Penelope.

Get back here behind the couch with me.

We have to talk. Someone has to bring Mom Mom to her senses so she throws out that big ugly thing she brought into our home. That dog isn't royalty and she didn't go to the coronation. She wasn't even invited. She's German.

I know the English royal family has ties to Germany so don't start trying to teach me history. It turns out I'm the one who was invited to the coronation––I'm distantly related to those corgis––but I couldn't go because I had to protect Mom Mom and Franklin from the German invader. 

I guess that dog doesn't speak any English because she doesn't even sit when Mom Mom says sit. Sit is the easiest thing in the world. I learned it in about two minutes (editor's note: it took five years for Penelope to learn sit and she still avoids obeying the command). 

She eats all the time. She must be costing us a fortune and poor Mom Mom already works her tiny fingers to the bone tippity tapping all day on the computer for that work thing she does to get money for kibble and treats. Poor, poor Mom Mom. She couldn't possibly have known what she was getting into with this thing.

That girl is still a big time klepto, too. She stole a bar of soap from the edge of the bathtub and ate part of it! Why would anyone want to eat soap! YUCK! She still potties in the house sometimes. I have never never ever pottied in the house (editor's note: Penelope has had many accidents in the house for which she has always been forgiven). 

Because she is German, she gets all wild and rough. She ran into the village idiot, uh, I mean my poor frail, elderly big brother Franklin and knocked him down. It was horrible. I was so afraid he was badly injured and would have to go to the vet. My darling, beloved big brother turned out to be all right after he rested for a while. I was so very grateful. 

I thought she was royalty because her name gives that impression. Why would she have a name like that when she isn't royalty? Her name starts with the letter P just like my name. . . . just like my name . . . letter P . . . wait a minute . . . WAIT A MINUTE . . . I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON! Mom Mom brought in that younger bigger German dog with a P name to replace me! Mom Mom wants that dog instead of me!!! What am I going to do?

I see it now! It's been Mom Mom's plan all along to replace me with that P-word. 

And you know what else? No director ever called about making the Rudolph movie I was supposed to star in as the polka dotted elephant. Remember how Santa Paws brought my costume for Kissmas because it was a sign I would star in the movie?

A director was supposed to call me, but the call never came. I never got the call from the Daniels, or Spielberg, or the Coen brothers. Not even Darren Aronofsky or Paul Thomas Anderson.

When she learns to sit, I bet the call will come for her and it will be Marty Scorsese. My dream was to be directed by Marty. 

She has stolen my dream.

My costume won't fit her gigantic ass. She'll have to get her own. I suppose Marty will send Steven to deliver the costume to her in person. 

Woe is me. Woe is meeeeee. Waaaaaaah waaaaaaahhhh. All is lost. Waaaaaah. I guess I'll be the one Mom Mom throws out like a bag of garbage. Out to the road I'll go, never to be seen again. Waaaaaaah sniffle sniff My heart is broken, broken I tell you. The P-word will take my place in the house and she'll be Franklin's sister and Mom Mom's baby girl. It's the end of the world. I think I'll die. Waaaaah. Waaaah. This is my final blog post. I'll never get to write to you again. The supper I ate last night was the last supper. I'll never have a meal again. I'll starve to death. Waaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Abused all my life and now I'll be tossed out to starve and die. Maybe Auntie Maureen will see me and toss a bread crumb to me. Please, please help me, Auntie Maureen. I need you, Auntie Maureen. Waaaaaah. Auntie Rebekah, if you see this, maybe you will come to get me and give me a tiny drink of water when it's hot. Pretty please?

This is my last day on earth. Farewell, cruel world.

Before I go, I'll show a picture of that German girl's big ugly butt.

Someone needs to tell her to fahr zur Hölle.

RONALDO & DONALDO

 Greetings  from the land of The Great Ronaldo and The Mysterious Donaldo! 

Our state's miraculous magicians are working on their disappearing acts. Oh, how I wish they would make themselves disappear. Instead, Ronaldo wants to wave his wand to make woke vanish, but some judges have been getting in his way. What a disappointment for him. Donaldo, of course, wants to make charges, indictments, and everyone who disagrees with him go away. He, too, is a failure. If only he had gone through those boxes to remove his golf shirts, dirty underwear, and sweaty socks, then of course he would have returned those troublesome top secret documents right away. 

What to do, what to do. All I can say is Take it away, Randy Rainbow!

PENELOPE SPEAKS: SOMETHING IS WRONG

 Hello. It is I, Penelope.

Come over here where Mom Mom cannot see us. We must whisper. I will pretend to relax and enjoy my toys.

Someone is still staying with us. I expect her departure to be imminent. She is some sort of royalty; therefore, she will have to leave soon to attend the coronation of dopey-looking King Charles, where she will have to eat his quiche that has beans and lard.

This picture makes it look all nice and tasty, but real dogs do not eat quiche.

If she doesn't leave, then I'll be forced to reveal some information about her. I'll tell Mom Mom that royalty is a kleptomaniac. Mom Mom knows that royalty stole her towel while she was in the shower and Mom Mom said oh hahahaha that is so cute and funny hahahaha. What Mom Mom doesn't know is that royalty stole a Tupperware bowl from the kitchen counter. It has doggy treats in it. When royalty didn't know how to take off the lid, she dropped it and it rolled under the edge of the bed. Mom Mom didn't notice, but I'll make sure she sees it. 

The very worst thing of all is royalty stole Gordon, my adorable sloth toy. I knew royalty had him because she held him too tight in her mouth and he made a sad, horrible squeaking noise that sounded like waaaaaaah  waaaaaaaah. Royalty even took him outside. I had to rescue him. Thinking about the sound of Gordon crying as she carried him to the dirty yard brings tears to my eyes and I am the saddest I have ever been during my sad life as a miserable abused little bulldog and now I have to cry like Gordon. WAAAAAAAAAAH      WAAAAAAAAH   sniffle sniffle just a minute I need to blow my nose   WAAAAAAH  WAAAAAAAAAAAH  I CANNOT STOP CRYING. THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL WITH ROYALTY IN IT. SHE HAS TO LEAVE BEFORE SHE RUINS MY LIFE.

You just watch. One way or another, she will be out of here before the coronation. Do not tell Mom Mom about our discussion. 

Now I will take a little nap. Crying makes me so tired. That is all. Goodbye.

PENELOPE SPEAKS: I HAVE A NEW TOY

Hello. It is I, Penelope. 

My new toy came in Franklin's Bark Box. I don't know why since it obviously belongs to me because I say it does and I want it.

He is a sloth and his name is Gordon.

Sloths are lazy and slow. That is why I think Gordon's name should be changed to Mom Mom.  HAHAHAHAHAHAH    hahahahahahah   harrrrhahaha heeheehahhahahahahaharhee I can't stop laughing. I am so hilarious. hahahaha   ha ha ha

ha. 

Because of my position as Chief Dog In Charge of Little House On The Swamp, it is my doodie (HAHAHAHAHAH I just can't stop myself hahahahahaha ha ha hahaha) to inform you that someone is staying with us. I do not know her name. I do not know why she is here. I do not know how long she will be here. I have sniffed her. She seems acceptable, although she refuses to play with me. Now I have apprised you of this change and shall continue to do so as knowledge is revealed to me because it is my 

DOODIE!!!!

That is all. Goodbye.

THE LOVELY LADIES OF THE GOP

 I wish I could claim credit for this creativity. I found it on Facebook. I'm splitting these photos into two posts because I'm having difficulty getting all the photos in one post.

Anita Filibust-Her

Hawl About Me

Rhonda Shanty

Speaker Sparklebottom

Cloretta Corrupta

Mother Pence

Cruzella Deville

MORE LOVELY LADIES OF THE GOP

Lady Graham Cracker

Rudy Garland

 

Bombshell Bannon

A GUY NAMED DAVID

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

As many of you already know, a principal here in the great mediocre Fascist state of Florida lost his job recently because of a complaint by a parent after students were allowed to see images of this famous statue, which students have seen for years.

Perhaps one of these images would have been acceptable in its place.

Thanks a whole helluva lot, Ronald, for creating this miserable environment in Florida's schools.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug