Sunday, January 27, 2013


Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

If the title of this post doesn't cause me to turn up in some interesting searches, then I don't know what will.

Actually, I read two blog posts on which I feel the need to expand.

First, Bobbi at Gracie Owns Me wrote about getting a bra fitting. She found it rather discomfiting and said she doesn't even say "panties." She prefers "underwear."

This post caused me to remember the one bra fitting I've had in my life. It was probably about 25 years ago (obviously I enjoyed it so much that I haven't longed to try it again).

I saw a sign in a department store, don't remember which one it was, and it said they were going to have someone from Playtex in the store to do bra fittings for free. I'd never had a comfortable bra, so although the thought of a bra fitting made me absolutely cringe, I showed up at the store at the appointed time.

The Playtex representative was a very pretty young woman. She was chatting with a sales clerk. They looked at me with disdain when I whispered I was there for the free bra fitting. 

The Playtex girl, who was probably no older than I was, asked questions about what size I was wearing and how did it fit and that sort of thing. I don't remember her taking my measurements. She grabbed a couple of bras and took me to a fitting room with orders to put one on and tell her when I was ready.

I put on the first bra and called out, Excuse me? I'm ready!

She whipped open the door and glared at me. This doesn't fit, she said as if it were my fault. Look. You're pooching out the sides.

Pooching? That must have been a bra technical term. She ordered me to put on the other bra and said she'd be back.

So I put it on and stood there in the dressing room, waiting and waiting and waiting. She never returned.

So I got dressed and walked out. The Queen of Playtex said, Oh, didn't it fit?

Nope, I said, and walked away.

Soon after that I discovered that sports bras had been invented and it was much easier to find a sports bra that fit. Then eventually I tried a bra from Victoria's Secret and figured out the correct size on my own, and I order them online. When I do go into a Victoria's Secret store, the sales clerks always offer me a bra fitting, and I say, No thanks. I know my size.

I don't want random people staring at my boobs in a bra, and then dumping me while I stand around scantily clad. It would be like a date with Coffey when Judy tells him to get his butt home.

As for "panties" v. "underwear," I grew up with some confusion regarding that word. My mom called underwear "pants." When I was in about fifth grade, I realized that what my mom called slacks were called pants by other people and that what my mom called pants were known as underwear or weren't mentioned at all.

I changed my vocabulary to avoid confusion with the rest of the world. I now feel comfortable saying panties, and so I do. For example, after Christmas I told Elvis Aaron Schwarz that I had used a VS gift card to get three sets of matching panties and bras. Then I showed him one of the new sets. While I was in them. He seemed pleased.

Hi! Remember me?
My name is Elvis Aaron Schwarz.
I like my baby doll in her panties or out of them.
I always remember to tell her she's beautiful and desirable.

Oh, that Elvis Aaron Schwarz. His compliments are the best cuz he really means them.

And now onto vibrators. Or maybe I should say on to vibrators. Little Lotta Joy reorganized her linen closet. Click HERE to see the results.

Of course, the first thing I noticed is what I think is a vibrator, so being me, which means politely and pleasantly curious about other people's private stuff, I asked if that was a vibrator in the closet. She said no, that it was a curling iron. When a couple of other people commented on my comment, she said that I think anything long and black is a vibrator!

Well, I felt compelled to point out that I don't own a vibrator, but my mom had one. It said on the box that it was a chin vibrator. I think I was in the third grade when she got it. I took it out of the box and put in on my chin and turned it on. I didn't think it felt all that great or relaxing like the box promised.

My mom said, Leave that alone. That's for me.

I never saw the chin vibrator again. I realize now that the curved shape just seemed so right for . . . you know. But I do not want to think about my mom with a vibrator and I don't care that my parents had six kids. Those people who claimed to be my parents did not have sex.

Some people have suggested to me that I need an arsenal of sex toys and have even given me links so I could purchase them online and not go into a store and whisper that I want a vibrator and which kind is best?

I guess when it comes to vibrators I'm like Bobbi about saying underwear. She prefers to say underwear, and I prefer not to have a vibrator.

But if I see a photo of your closet and it obviously has a vibrator in it, then of course I shall very sweetly and innocently ask you about it. 

So, to the rest of you who take on organizing projects and post photos of them: Hide the vibrator.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug


  1. Hon, if I were there with you when you were trying on bra’s, no way would I leave ya hanging…so to speak. But why wear them? They seem like a pain to wear and so uncomfortable. But if you want that perky upturned look, I say tie a string to each nipple and hang it around our neck. You can tie extra knots to adjust to desired perkiness, too. And it is much cheaper. I’ll even help you with the knots.

    The only advice I can offer concerning vibrators. Don’t give’em a blow job… you could lose some teeth that way. Knock’em loose anyway.

  2. That must have been one generous gift card!

    1. It was a nice card, but I also chose things that were on clearance. The bras were 14.99 each, which is a great price for a VS bra. And they're my favorite kind.

  3. That bra fitter should have been canned. When I worked at a clothing store in college, one older woman took a bra into the fitting room to try on. She soon came out onto the sales floor, wearing only the bra and no top, stood in front of the large three way mirrors and hopped up and down several times. I guess she saw the look on my face and the gathering crowd and explained she wanted to be sure she wasn't bouncing.

  4. Helpful tip of the day.... (I know, you're thrilled) Measure around your rib cage under your boobs. That's your band size (the number..34, 42, whatever) Then measure around the center part of your boobs. (In my case this means hiking them up without squishing them to get an accurate measurement, since you know... they've been chomped on by two kids) Two inch difference is a B cup, 3 inches is a C and so forth.

    Anything bigger than a ten inch difference requires a mail order catalog...

    You're welcome.

  5. You just never know whatcha gonna find here...

    (Love the title... and I think the search engines will, too.)

    1. But you don't express an opinion on either subject? What's wrong, Susan?

  6. Oh, how I wish you had known me and my blog ten years ago. I was asked by a vibrator company to try one for free, and post my thoughts.

    I did! I made the video showing the vibrator, and me, with a kitchen knife in my hand. I carved that pink giant down to size ON THE VIDEO and said "Make one for real women and not giants or porno stars."

    YES! I had a hundred comments! And overnight the company sent me a much, much smaller size. I LOVED doing things like that....way back then. *sigh*

    1. That's a great story, but I like you in the here and now.

  7. The first time I had to go shopping for my first ever D cup bra, I walked into the store, looked at the mega sized cups looming over me on the rack, and turned right around and walked back out of the store. I couldn't do it! Due to European sizes being different, I went for a bra fitting to find out how much more massive they thought I was. Thankfully I had a sweet older woman who helped me but I still wanted to pass out and the 3 cup increase their dumb measuring system put me in!
    I'm with you on not having bedroom toys...that's what men are for!

  8. Elvis is so sweet! He's definitely a keeper!

    I don't like bra fittings, either. I had one, and I'm not doing another!

    1. We are in agreement re: Elvis and bra fittings.

  9. I'm so sorry about yours and Bobbi's experiences. Mine was great: After my initial breast cancer treatments, I went on Tamoxifin for five years. This made me gain about 30 lbs, and it seemed like a lot of it landed in my healthy boob. They had always been small, now I had one large and one small! So off I went to a store in the Beverly Hills mall, where you would perhaps expect to be treated in the same way that you and Bobbi were. But, I got the sweetest little old lady who measured me and found me several wonderful bras (since I don't wear them every day - now that the weight is gone and I live in the country, I don't need them) I still have two of them left. So a really good experience for me. Since this was such a long comment, I guess I'm off the hook as far as vibrators go.

    1. Where have all the sweet little old ladies gone? Oops! I guess we're supposed to be them now.

  10. I used to run the online dept for a large bra maker. As part of the job I had to work a few days a year in one of their stories and learn how to measure for a bra...oddly enough I don't remember anything about the training involving "here put this on and then let me stare at you." If it had, I might've groused less about those days. :)

    1. Yeah, I can imagine you might have enjoyed that aspect of the job.

  11. My first ever bra fitting was pretty nightmarish! I can't e even begin to tell you.
    Even with the correct size some bras don't fit me well. It depends mostly on the cut.


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