Instead of giving you a tip today, I request your assistance.
My story about Aggie, which some of you have been reading a bit at a time as I add to it, says
The yellow piece of paper on the windshield of Aggie's black minivan stood out like a beacon in the dusky evening light as she left the urgent care center. She waddled along with a purse and diaper bag slung behind her right shoulder, Ruth Ann perched on her right hip, and a still sobbing Elliot hanging on for dear life to her left hand.
A few of you have commented that you think waddled is out of place, that it seems kind of comical in a sad story.
Robyn suggested trudged as a replacement. I like trudged, but the reason I chose waddled is that I want to convey that Aggie is overweight.
The Super Thesaurus has these synonyms for waddle:
toddle
wobble
walk like a duck
sway
I don't think any of these are right.
Synonyms for trudge:
walk
tramp
slog
plod
hike
traipse
schlep
clomp
drag's one feet
stump
hobble
What do you think about replacing waddled with slogged? Not comical, but still conveys that she's loaded down with kids and she's overweight?
I always seek the perfect word. Which word is perfect in this case?
And am I too wordy? Should I make cuts? For example,
Elliot hanging on for dear life to her left hand
Is hanging on for dear life trite? Instead it could read hanging onto her left hand. Is hanging by itself enough?
I always warn my clients to avoid wordiness. I need to listen to my own advice.
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
A new possibility:
The yellow piece of paper on the windshield of Aggie's black minivan stood out in the evening light as she left the urgent care center. She slogged along with a purse and diaper bag slung behind her right shoulder, Ruth Ann perched on her right hip, and a sobbing Elliot hanging on to her left hand.
I thought "waddled" was okay and conveyed a mental image. "Slogged" would also work. How about "a sobbing Elliot gripping her left hand"? More along the lines of hanging on for dear life and it flows better.
ReplyDeleteI like gripping. That also makes me think of clinging. Thank you, Debbie.
DeleteYou're welcome. ☺
Deletetrundled?
ReplyDeleteThat's a good one, too. Thank you!
DeleteI vote for "trudged" or "plodded" -- "slogged" is just a little too slangy for the context, in my opinion. What's important at the beginning of the story is to portray her weighed down with kids and responsibilities. It's clear by the end of the story that Aggie is also weighed down by her body (big derriere), a selfish husband, aging (grey hair) and life in general. That's sufficient, I think.
ReplyDeleteGosh, I actually managed to convey what I intended! You don't know how happy you've made me, Debra. And I like plodded.
DeleteI like trod
ReplyDeleteAnother good suggestion--thanks!
DeleteWaddled was probably closer to the way she was walking. Stay with it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe too many cooks spoil the soup, but I appreciate the ideas.
DeleteThe minute I read waddled I thought she was overweight, so I don't have a problem with it.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have a problem with it because you've lost weight and are now Skinny Chatterbox.
DeleteI like "plodded", but fishduckies waddle!!
ReplyDeleteAggie is no fishducky.
DeleteI like "plodded," and think just saying "hanging on to her left hand" is sufficient, or "being dragged by her left hand" or "keeping up with" or "catching up to the left hand dragging Elliott behind." I don't know. Again, I'm not nitpicking, I liked the story.
ReplyDeleteI'm a nitpicker. Really. I have a serious case of cooties.
DeleteI like that second version much better. Waddled makes me think of a pregnant woman, I like slogged.
ReplyDeleteGood comment. Thanks.
Delete