Sunday, January 23, 2022

THEY'RE DOING CHOREOGRAPHY

 Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Recently I auditioned for the starring role in drumroll, please

THE MAM DANCE!!!

I arrived early so I had plenty of time to change into my beautiful gown. When the choreographer was ready for me, I floated onto the stage with stardust in my hair and no deodorant or lotion in the breast area. 

The room was chilly––perfect for a hard-nipple workout. Down went the top of my gown and it was time.

Put your left arm up. Higher. Higher than that. Move your feet to the side. No, no, let me put them in position. Here and here. Twist your right side back while keeping the left side straight ahead. Right foot more to the right. Left foot more to the left.

Don't move! Take a breath. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

Breathe. 

Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. 

Breathe.

Step back. (choreographer peels my skin away from the ice-cold equipment so I can move)

Okay. Right arm up. Reach, reach, reach for that handle. Hold on. Feet to the left. Farther left than that. Back a little. No, closer. No, back a little. Too much. Just a tiny bit. Higher. Reach higher. This is what it takes to be a star.

All right! Don't move! Take a breath. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

Breathe. 

Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

Breathe. 

Don't breathe. Don't breather. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

Breathe. 

Stay here. Don't leave yet. Ah, yes. We need one more.

Arm up higher. Higher. Higher. Left side back. Feet here and here. I'll position the breast. Left foot more to the right. Right foot more to the left.

Breathe. 

Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breather. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breather. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.  Don't breath. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

Breathe. (choreographer peels skin from machine again)

Okay. That's it for today. You can go. We'll let you know.

Happily, I received the all clear for another year.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

not my tit



44 comments:

  1. Glad that you got that call.
    I really loathe the ritual boob squashing, but do it.

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    1. I hate it and do it anyway because it's better than not knowing.

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  2. LOL! I had no clue until I saw the word breast (but the photo would have given it away). I suppose it’s because it’s not something I’ve ever had to experience. Glad you’re clear for another year!

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  3. You got a gown? Really? I did my dance last week. It was "toss your purse, bra and shirt on the chair". I wore no bra to save time. There was no concern about my frozen shoulder (left). I reached as high as I could. I felt like my girls were inside a biscuit package and the Pillsbury doughboy was oozing out the seams. They found nothing, yay. I found a sticker thingy surrounding a little read mole thing, once I got home. Ninja woman, I never saw her put it there.
    I love your description, Janie! Made me laugh, after the flashback was over. Glad you're clear enough to dance another day. My bright side? I found out that I'm too old to need another Pap smear. YAY! Take care, hon.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Deedles. I was thrilled when I was allowed to give up the smears. Hated those with a passion. I sure hope you got to take off your top in the same room as the mammogram machine and didn't have to wander around with the girls hanging out.

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    2. Yep. I can't imagine the indignity of wandering around topless to another room. Not to mention the loud laughter! The mole thingy was red, not read. Sheesh!

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    3. I knew what you meant, and if I had to wander around tits out people would fall on the floor laughing. Or maybe crying from the shock. My perky young boobs are long gone.

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  4. LOL. Just did this. Our mammo machine has heated plates. lol
    AND we get our results in minutes. They read the scans while you wait to see if they need to take more. Always glad to be done for another year. xo Diana

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  5. Not my favorite thing, yet a good reminder to go. Glad you're in the all clear.

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  6. Hahahahahaha, exactly! The good ol' titty squeezer!

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    Replies
    1. Talk about getting your tit caught in a wringer.

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  7. And Janie . . . a bare bum photo on your last post . . . a bare titty on this post . . . OMG what photo will grace your next post? I am quite overcome.

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    Replies
    1. I hope you didn't hit your head too hard when you fainted.

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  8. Cripes...were you doing the THE MAM DANCE or the Hokey Pokey?

    And could you imagine if guys had to have their balls crushed in one of those things for ball checks?!?!?!

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    Replies
    1. Only a man would invent the mammogram for women but not invent ball squeezers.

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  9. Hahaha! Perfect description. ☺ I'm due for mine again soon. Glad to know you got the all-clear, Janie!

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  10. Made me chuckle more than a little. My wife could have written this!

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  11. Happy days. Surely this machine was invented by a man. 'I'm just going to squeeze it a little bit more.'

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    Replies
    1. Only a man could invent that machine and only a man could have come up with the concept of penis envy.

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  12. Oh this is so funny! I have been there and done that. It is such a touchy feely moment isn't it? The one lab gal remarked, "Wow, you're quite dense!" At which I said , "I'm sorry but...what?? I have been on more than one occasion." She laughed and then mentioned my boob was dense. I took that as a compliment. As for doing choreography..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-cXP1uDFpA Martha Graham, eat your heart out!

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    Replies
    1. I don't know if dense boobs are good, but you might as well figure it was a compliment. I'll take a look at that video. Thanks, Birgit.

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    2. Saw it. That's where I got my title and you're the one who would recognize the reference.

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  13. I think you missed one "Don't breathe." It's kinda hard for me to not laugh when they command you to stop breathing. Gee whiz. Glad you're in the clear, love. With my Ashkenazi dense boobies (poor things), I need to be screened semi-annually. Lucky me.
    Love you.

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  14. The yearly making pancakes out of body parts is one of the not-fun-to-be-female thingies.

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  15. I hate those squishing machines!!

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  16. It's the squashing that's so painful and I had a nurse whose instructions I couldn't understand, but hey ho, she was nice with it and all's well that ends well.

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  17. haha.. a hilarious take on your mammogram.
    Yay for the all clear.

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  18. Every year I wonder how many more of these it will take before I follow the directions better and get it right in fewer takes!

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  19. I just got mine a while ago. I always look forward to it. NOT.

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  20. Worse than the dentist. Sometimes I get a good tech and it's not so bad, but other times, OW!!!!!!!!! Also being very short makes it even more uncomfortable. I have to stand on my tiptoes.

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  21. Well, I'm glad you're good for another year, but man! I guess our old "turn you head and cough" just doesn't compare, huh? Great chuckle-worthy post, by the way.

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  22. Don't you just love those things? Not! Glad you're done for another year.

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