Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
Recently I went in an Ikea for the first time. So much . . . stuff. Everywhere.
And the people. Hordes.
And although I had never been to Ikea, I knew that buying stuff there can end in a suicide attempt or a divorce because everything has to be put together. You want a basket? You have to weave it.
I thought I might get through life without ever going to Ikea, but Favorite Young Man wanted to look for a rug for his new place so we went. My eyes rolled back in my head. Then my head spun around like the girl in The Exorcist. Oh, the horror.
I turned to look at something I will never own and when I looked back, Favorite Young Man was gone. Had the other shoppers eaten him, or had he gone to the place called Lost?
I had to call him to beg him to find me. I sat down on a bed and told him what the closest sign said. He got to me about six hours later. I was so grateful. I really needed to pee.
But the title of this post is A SONG HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME, and it started following me in Ikea. I heard this song I knew but the voices were strange. It was a cover of Deacon Blues. It took me about an hour or ten to figure it out because I was in Ikea and I couldn't think and when I finally recognized it despite the weirdness of it, FYM said he'd never heard of Steely Dan.
I gave up on humanity in that moment.
FYM is the one person I can count on to know important information.
I can no longer rely on him. I guess I might as well give him up for adoption. Surely someone wants to adopt a 39 year old who can keep your car running.
But then, using my Harry Potter magic skills and with the help of a dragon, I escaped from Ikea and came home and late that evening when I had pretty much recovered (I just had a slight rash that I treated with lots of drugs), I watched a movie. What did I hear?
Deacon Blues. Thank God it wasn't a cover.
A couple of days later I watched some TV show. I don't remember what the show was because they played Deacon Blues.
Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell, Deacon Blues is stalking me.
Where will it turn up next? I like Deacon Blues, but what if it keeps following me and ends up attacking me?
You know this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone in that damn, sick Ikea. I'm surprised I survived it.
Where will Deacon Blues turn up next? Help me, O Lord. I am thy humble servant (although I don't cook and clean for you or anyone else). Please save me before Deacon Blues goes from being a great song to being a big pile of manure that buries me.
I also must say that I looked up Steely Dan and I was pretty shocked to learn where they got the name Steely Dan. I'm not giving up that information. If you want to know, then you have to find it yourself. I'm just sayin' that William S. Burroughs must have spent a big chunk of his life stuck in Ikea and when he finally got out, he became a heroin addict.
And remember that if you buy something at Ikea . . . let's not even go there. Push it out of your mind.
SAVE YOURSELF! Soylent Green: it's made out of people who were captured in Ikea.
Oh, the humanity.
But, um, since we're such close friends now, Steely Dan, will you please sing us out? I think you know which song it has to be.
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug, who survived the hell that is Ikea and lived to tell the tale
Why does the Steely Dan guy at the keyboard keep doing that Stevie Wonder-type thing where he throws
his head around? And he's wearing sunglasses. I am so confused.
I love Steely Dan, but how weird to hear that song in so many different contexts. I work with women who are younger than me and know nothing of great things from the past. I mentioned "West Side Story" the other day and got strange looks. Really people?ReplyDelete
I have never been to Ikea as there has never been one near any of the places I have lived, but now I'm quite sure I will never go regardless. lol
I didn't really want to go. It's not close to my house. I did buy a washable rug to put in my kitchen. It was $9.99 so it was cheap and it looks it. The dogs' claws snagged it so much that it was a mess within 24 hours. FYM bought an attractive rug, though, and some glasses. Spielberg is remaking West Side Story (I'm not sure how I feel about that). It will be a brand new movie for your co-workers. It breaks my heart that so many people know nothing about our history. They live in the moment, as they've been told to do. I value the past. It's made me who I am.Delete
Yes, I have been lost in IKEA, years ago when they were the new "hot" thing. Yes, I have heard of Steely Dan, but do not now his music as I lived overseas a lot during my early years. And, finally, I am actually typing this on an IKEA computer desk. It has held up well for over 30 years!ReplyDelete
Well, good for that computer desk. Thirty years is a long time.Delete
I know where the name came from.ReplyDelete
I've never been to Ikea.
I'd actually like to hear that cover version of Deacon Blues. The worse it is, the better I'd like it. I own a 45 of DION singing an acoustic version of PURPLE HAZE.
That's truly frightening. I have no idea who did the Deacon Blues cover.Delete
Great post, Janie! I laughed all the way through it. I share your dread of IKEA and go there as seldom as possible. But I was there this week too and bought frozen Swedish meatballs.ReplyDelete
I just looked up the origin of the name "Steely Dan." Hahahahahahaha!Delete
That name is pretty damn creepy. I've never read anything by Burroughs. I think I can live without him. I hope to never enter Ikea again. The one we visited is in Jacksonville, but not close to my house. I've also spotted one in Orange Park--also not near my house. I'll avoid them.Delete
The only thing I've ever read by Burroughs was a short story called (if I remember correctly) "The Junkie's Christmas." It was pretty good and has stayed with me to this day.Delete
That's interesting. Maybe I'll try out that one.Delete
This was so much fun to read! Not only do you have to weave your own basket but you have to buy the reeds (Skâditt, vertical uprights) the bottom (Skâditt , base unit) and ties (Skâditt, connectors) which are all found on 3 different shelves. Be sure to follow the instructions which are not written but are illustrated and as long as you have eagle vision should be easy to follow. TheHub has threatened me with murder if we ever again buy anything other than dish towels there.ReplyDelete
Oh and I forgot; for about 2 years Build Me Up Buttercup followed me everywhere.Delete
I was joking about the basket. Do you really have to weave your own basket? I will be shocked if I made up something that's true. Build Me Up Buttercup is peppy, but did you get sick of it? Were you afraid it was stalking you?Delete
Sorry I was just being a smart ass and invented some basket parts and an item name, but it does look rather official.Delete
BMUB drove me insane, but hearing it so often in such obscure places was the impetus for a story line in something I have been writing.
It's okay. It's funny. How weird that the song followed you. I haven't heard it in years.Delete
IKEA can be a real nightmare, that's for sure!😝 (Yet, we have several IKEA bookcases and a china cabinet. Their products are sturdy.) Laughing at your discovery of where Steely Dan's name came from; I thought it was common knowledge.😄 I don't actually remember this song, but hope it stops stalking you!ReplyDelete
How many years did it take you to put together the bookcases and china cabinet? The name wasn't common knowledge to me. I like their music, but I don't want it following me around.Delete
I've been to IKEA twice in my life, and it suffices. Not my thing ;)ReplyDelete
I hope to never go again.Delete
I am avoiding IKEA. Costco does my head in. For days.ReplyDelete
LOVE Steely Dan, and can think of worse stalkers. And earworms.
I'm okay with Costco. It's my favorite place to shop, which means it's the only place I shop because I get everything else online. I want an album of Steely Dan's greatest hits. I love Peg, too.Delete
Funny post, kiddo! Thanks for the smiles.ReplyDelete
I've never been in an IKEA store before. The store that freaks me out is BrandSmart. It's the busiest-looking store I've ever seen. Bright bright colors everywhere. Reminds me of a Mexican street carnival... as I imagine one, anyway. I've never been to one of them, either... :)
I've never heard of BrandSmart. I don't like busy busy. I will not set foot in a Wal-Mart unless it's an emergency.Delete
The Steely Dan image had a lot of sunglasses, especially in the beginning. As for that cover, I figured there was a lot of farting going on.ReplyDelete
My daughter drug me to Ikea, one time. I had that same sense of being lost, until I spotted her, several aisles ahead, and by clever display cutting, I cut her off and told her she would find me downstairs, by the exit.
As one point I realized that arrows were on the floor as if they are one-way streets. I was going the wrong way.Delete
Looks to me like Keyboard Guy had a wedgie and was working it out between lines ...ReplyDelete
I've never been in IKEA and suspect I'm better off for it. The memes are hilarious!
I'm sorry I went in Ikea. Don't ever want to go again. A wedgie? Makes total sense. Now I know what I look like when I'm trying to get the undies out of my butt.Delete
Hi Janie - interesting post ... I didn't know about the name - but do now! My Ikea is too far for regular visits ... but is useful on occasions - I have furniture that is 27 years old - valued. If I visit friends I'll go with them - if I'm need of something specific and know I can get it there. It's interesting to look around ...and actually thinking about it - we had lunch there ... about 10 years ago - so don't go often! I'm enjoy your earworm .. cheers HilaryReplyDelete
I played Deacon Blues on my phone for my son after we left Ikea. Maybe he'll end up a Steely Dan fan. The displays in Ikea are lovely.Delete
I went to Ikea once and it was because a friend of mine wanted their Swedish meatballs. I vowed to never go in again. lol!ReplyDelete
I feel the same about Ikea, Janie! Fun post, btw! Love Steely Dan ~ Now I know the origin of its name ~ LOL. Donald Fagen has such a distinctive voice.ReplyDelete
I like IKEA... except when there are other people there. I NEVER go on weekends and pray everyone else stays home on other days. Was there yesterday -- after more than a year. It was empty and wonderful. I've assembled some things myself. After assembling two beds, however, I started paying for assembly. What takes me 2 hours takes them 10 minutes. Actually ordered new beds (replacing two small beds with two large beds) yesterday. They'll be delivered and assembled tomorrow... and they'll take away the old ones! Oh, and had Swedish meatballs for lunch! Thanks for the music. Call me Deacon Blues... and yeah, this will be in my head for the rest of the day!ReplyDelete
I’m in my bed, you’re in yours. One of us is obviously in the wrong place. Click here and Check me out i am getting naked here ;)ReplyDelete