Saturday, February 13, 2016


Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

The lovely and ever-popular Robyn Alana Engel is holding her Death Life By Chocolate annual anti-Valentine's Day contest. I entered. You can vote until midnight tonight, Saturday, February 13, 2016.

I would love to win because maybe I wouldn't mope around telling everyone who will listen what a loser I am. All you have to do is go to Life By Chocolate, scroll down to the entry with the naughty word (it's entry #4), and you'll see my name, Janie Junebug. Then state quite clearly in your comment that you vote for Janie Junebug.

I realize the other entries are also hilarious, and you can give those folks a shout out, but you need to say quite clearly in your comment that you vote for Janie Junebug.

The thing is, once before I die, I want to win something other than BEST BODY in high school. When I was in eighth grade, I ran for vice-president of the Student Council. What a stupid thing to do. The people who got elected to the student council leadership were all popular kids. They all ran unopposed except one guy. I still can't believe I was dumb enough to run against that twerp.

Of course, I lost. The outgoing president of the student council was supposed to tell us the winners when school ended for the day. Instead, he told us during fourth period. I went back to English class, put down my head, and cried for the rest of the hour. Everyone pretended it wasn't happening.

Then I went to the office and said I was sick. I needed to call my mom and go home. The secretary handed over the phone.

My mom picked me up. I cried and said I had lost. She shouted, I told you that you weren't going to win and not to cry when you didn't!


My junior year in high school, I didn't go to the meeting for nominations to be president of our school's chapter of the National Forensics League. I knew who would be nominated. I knew he would run unopposed. I knew he'd win.

The next day, I arrived at school, and some of the other debate nerds told me I was nominated for NFL (NO, not football) president. I was not running unopposed. I asked who in the fuck had nominated me. No one seemed to remember. I still don't know who nominated me. Assholes.

I didn't go to the end of the school year NFL picnic because the new president would be announced, and it wouldn't be me.

I was right. A good "friend" called me that night to tell me I lost.

The next day at school, I gave a ride home to the outgoing NFL president. As we walked to my car, he whispered to me that the debate coach had told him not to tell me this, but I lost by one vote.

I was shocked.

I'm still shocked.

I couldn't believe anyone would vote for me.

Well, that's enough whining for today. I've gotten over caring about voting. Pick the entry at Life By Chocolate that  you think is funniest and then in your comment, write very clearly that you vote for Janie Junebug, who won BEST BODY in high school.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug, a.k.a. Sharona, who will grant sexual favors


  1. I can say I voted for you and I hope you win. I have never won anything not even Best Body:) Even when I played those games at the fairs, the only thing I won once was a lime green, plastic doll's table...I tossed it.

  2. Do we ever really graduate from high school or do the traumas cling to us forever?


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