Tuesday, October 23, 2012

STUCK UP? MOI?

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Lately I've heard rumors that some people think I'm stuck up. I don't understand. Just because I sprinkle my conversations with French phrases and speak with a bit of a British accent and name drop occasionally? I mean, really. Everyone wants to hear about my dinner with Brangelina and the kiddies.

How many kiddies were there? I'm not sure . . . uh . . . they moved so fast I couldn't count them.

Sacre bleu! I am not stuck up!
Perhaps some people make rude comments about me because they're jealous and insecure. After all, I must admit I am fabulously beautiful with my bodacious ta-tas.



Oh.

Wait a minute.


Elvis Aaron Schwarz just explained to me that people don't think I'm stuck up. They heard I got stuck BEHIND something.

Hi! Remember me?
I'm Elvis Aaron  Schwarz.
My baby doll isn't stuck up.
But she did get stuck behind something.
Maybe she'll tell us the story.

Yes, Elvis Aaron Schwarz. It's true. I got stuck behind something once upon a time, and the thing I got stuck behind was a Maytag washing machine.



I want to begin by saying that I didn't get stuck because I'm chubby. At the time, I was very, very thin.

It was kind of like an episode of I Love Lucy. The dryer hose had come loose from the vent. I needed to put it back on. Dr. X was out of town, and I wasn't strong enough to move the washer or dryer.

Thus, I wiggled behind the washing machine, and voila! I put the hose in its place. Gave it quite a tongue lashing.

But then, of course, I wanted to come out from behind the washer.

And I couldn't. I was stuck.

I squiggled. I giggled. But then the giggle stopped. I really was caught!

How could I get behind an appliance but not be able to get back out?

What would happen when it was time to get the children from school?

Fortunately, I knew what to do. I could make myself even skinnier by sucking in my stomach until it touched my spine. I diggled my way out. I tweren't no piggle.

I wasn't really stuck all that long -- just long enough to give me a story to tell.

And now that I've told it, I'll turn my attention, once again, to Elvis Aaron Schwarz.

Cuddle up and give me a kiss, baby.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

35 comments:

  1. Oh Janie... I have been stuck in so many places... mostly because of my own stubbornness.

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    1. I gotcha, baby. Depend on you to have a different and interesting point of view.

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  2. My daughter once got stuck in grandfather clock and so did my sister not because they climbed into the clocks but because they both pulled said clocks down on top of themselves and when the clock was lifted off them they were kind of stuck inside it for a few secs.........funny to think about it now but not so funny at the time........

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  3. Thanks for bringing back a memory I had conveniently forgotten. We had bought 3 houses for rental & moved them onto some vacant lots. My daughter & future son-in-law moved into one of them. My husband took them out to do some shopping & left me alone there. I was cleaning windows (the old-fashioned double hung kind) & somehow got my finger VERY PAINFULLY caught between the upper & lower halves, when they suddenly slammed shut. I couldn't get free & had to wait about a half hour, with my arm upraised--which seemed like 3 months--for their return. I thought I was going to pass out. IT HURT LIKE HELL--but nothing was broken!

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    1. Man, that sucks, fishducky. At least being stuck behind the washer didn't hurt. It was mostly frustrating and a bit embarrassing.

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  4. I got locked out of the house once when we lived in Green Bay. There was one of those narrow crank out windows over the kitchen sink and I knew it was the only one that was open. I piled up some old cement block to get up that high, pushed the screen in, and started crawling through the half cranked open window...home alone...lived in the country...no close neighbors..and this was long before cell phones when I was thin enough to think I could pull such a feat off. I got stuck. Started laughing so hard (at the imagined picture of my ass hanging out the narrow window) that I thought I was going to throw up in the sink! I managed to crank the window open a little bit more and make my escape into the house...so I'd have a good story to tell. ;)

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  5. I shall fall asleep and dream about your butt sticking out of the window. A very good story it is.

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  6. Stuck up? You? Where are these people so I can give them a piece of my mind, a very small piece.

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    1. At our age I don't think it's wise to give up anything from our minds -- unless we can get rid of a part that will soon be senile.

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  7. And I'm sure all your curse words were in French as you diggled your way out.

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  8. You're allowed to be stuck up, you're awesome! :)


    Some people think I'm stuck up too. But it's not my fault I'm better than them ;D lol.
    The best part is that those are the people that don't even know me.

    And LOL for the story. I once got stuck in a door with three other people. that was funny, but kinda awkward at the same time ;D

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    1. Why, thank you, dahling. I hope the door in which you were stuck wasn't revolving.

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  9. I don't think I've ever been stuck anywhere, but I have locked myself out and had to break a French door window to get back in. With my hubby's sledgehammer, that's how strong the glass is in these new windows. Other than that, this post made my head spin from all your fun thoughts.

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    1. Inger, is your head spinning like a washing machine?

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  10. LOL! I've never been stuck behind a washing machine, but my son got stuck in the dryer once. He thought it would be great fun to climb inside. Fortunately, it wasn't on!

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    1. Isn't it strange that we can get into places from which we cannot exit? Kinda like The Twilight Zone.

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  11. The story goes that back in the OLDEN days, my GM got one of her bodacious ta-tas stuck in the gear of the wringer washer. Being as she never wore a bra at home I can believe that.

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  12. Ah, youth. NOW we can get permanently stuck just because we knelt down without thinking.

    Something tells me that all this talk about wiggling has gotten you AND Elvis horny.

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    1. I avoid kneeling because of the terrible groaning sounds I emit when it's time to get up. And horny? Moi?

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  13. Oops. That comment about getting stuck when kneeling was from me. I hate it when Google tells me I'm one person when I'm really another one.

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    1. I'm concerned you might be having an identity crisis.

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  14. And I want my Elvis Aaron Schwarz!

    You are brilliant Janie. And Janie, this is oceangirl.

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    1. Oceangirl! I've missed you. I'm afraid you can't have MY Elvis Aaron Schwarz. You'll have to find one of your own.

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    2. Oceangirl, I can't figure out how to follow you. Is there a way?

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    3. Janie, when you come to my site lhttp://livehigh2.blogspot.com/ , you hover on the black bar at top right and the bar of widgets will appear and you click on Friends and you click on Join This Site. Walla :)

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    4. Thanks for explaining it to me. I'm following you now.

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  15. I bet you were a bit scared. Imagine starving to death and being found down the back of the washing machine. You'd be glad of being dead to avoid the embarrassment.

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    1. I was a wee bit nervous, I must admit, but mostly I was scared about how the kids would get home from school. They were still quite young at the time.

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  16. Hahahaha! Thank goodness you weren't stuck for too long or else you may have needed to be rescued by the fire department...oh wait, that may not have been too bad ;) I'm just glad that it was a 'stuck behind' story and not 'stuck up' because I was getting my hackle raised at the thought that someone would be dumb enough to think you were stuck up! Although you may want to keep your stories with your best friends Brangelina a bit more hush hush ;)

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    1. I'll be more careful about discussing my frequent visits with my friends. I don't want to be chased by the paparazzi.

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