Wednesday, April 24, 2019

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD UP THE BABY!

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I wish someone would explain to the Duchess of Sussex that she doesn't need to hold the baby up all the time.



Megs, darling, hasn't anyone explained to you that the baby won't just fall out in between your legs and land on his or her royal head?


Are you confused about how babies are born, or is "cradling the bump" a sign that you'll be one of those super clingy mothers who breast feeds until the kid is ten and follows him (or her) around the playground constantly to make sure no royal knees get scraped? Will you be cradling that very large baby when it's time to go to college? If you are, I assure you, your child will be desperate to escape.


Listen to me, Dear Duchess: you only need to hold onto the baby if your water breaks while you have a sudden, mighty contraction, and Harry lies on his back, looks between your legs and says, OH MY GOD! I CAN SEE THE HEAD AND YES, THE HAIR IS RED! (that will be followed by a sigh of relief on Harry's part because he'll be sure that he really is the baby daddy and you did not sneak off for a nookie night with older brother William but Harry's suspicion is the cause of this falling out that William and Harry have allegedly had and then Harry will rush into his brother's arms and shout WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN. YOU'RE THE BEST BROTHER IN THE WORLD AND I'LL NEVER COMPLAIN AGAIN ABOUT GIVING YOU MUMMY'S ENGAGEMENT RING FOR KATE.)

If all of that happens, Duchess of Sussex, then you should hold onto the baby until someone is ready to catch that right royal rug rat.

But for now, please let go. The baby will stay in place until you have serious contractions and start acting out your birth plan, whatever it is.

And although I think the Duchess of Cambridge is lovely, please don't go out wearing full make-up and high heels to show off the baby ten minutes after the birth. It makes all the other women of the world feel inadequate. Or even more inadequate than usual.

Let go.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Thursday, April 18, 2019

THROWBACK THURSDAY: REMEMBERING PENELOPE AND THE NEW BARK

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I first published IN WHICH PENELOPE LEARNS TO BARK on Sept. 2, 2016, as we awaited a hurricane. Her writing was not yet the model of perfection that it is now. Her bark was brand new. She barks more now, but I don't mind if the dogs bark. They let me know when strangers are near or if something is not right. If they bark a lot in the backyard, I call them in so they won't bother the neighbors, but I take a look around to make sure everything is okay.

I appreciate my pups.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Hello. It is I, Penelope.

Mom Mom and Human Brother say Hurricane might visit. Hurricane's name is Hermine. Mom Mom and Human Brother purchased treats for Hermine to eat. Perhaps I shall receive a treat?

Soon it will be a year since I got in Mom Mom's car and came to live with her and Nice Brother Franklin.




I smile more. I also learned to make noises. Mom Mom inquired of me, When will you start to bark, Penelope?

I thought, Bark? It is on trees. I am not a tree. I am a lady dog.

Then a few weeks ago, our daddy, Willy Dunne Wooters, came in the front door without announcing his presence. I was startled. A noise came out of my throat. Mom Mom said it sounded like a cough, but she thought I attempted a Bark.

I thought more about Bark and decided it is the noise my Nice Brother Franklin makes when he chats with Daisy the dog next door or when Jehovah's Witnesses ring the doorbell. I tried to make the same noise. It would not come out of me.

Human Brother came to our house when I did not expect him. (I do not understand all these uninvited guests: Daddy Wooters, Human Brother, Hermine. House is Mine with Mom Mom and Nice Brother Franklin.) Suddenly Bark came out of me and it grew and grew and before I knew it, Mom Mom said, Why, Penelope! You can Bark and Growl. You will scare away bad people if they come to our house.

I do not know how I make Bark and Growl but somehow I have learned to make Bark and Growl and Mom Mom is pleased. Human Brother does not understand. He thinks I do not like him. I love Human Brother. He helped rescue me when I came to live here and I did not know how to go inside House.

He startles me. Startle makes the Bark and Growl grow in me. 

Perhaps I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Dr. Psychiatrist should be consulted.

Now I choose to nap until Hermine goes gone.





Thursday, April 11, 2019

THE FIRST PALMETTO OF THE YEAR

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I walked out of the office and down the hall toward my bedroom, and it was there on the floor. Alive. Extra large. Not moving.

I stomped the hell out of it and somehow didn't kill it. It ran into my bedroom and underneath the dressing table.

Disappeared.

I Usain Bolted to grab the buy spray in the hope that I could flush it out. Squirt . . . squirt . . . squirt . . . under and behind the dressing table. Behind the wardrobe.

It didn't come out. I got a flashlight and lowered myself to my knees to look under the furniture.

Nothing but dust bunnies and dog hair.

Penelope came in to take a look. She's still looking. She must remember the time she killed a palmetto bug in the office.

Has Penelope become a great black-and-white palmetto hunter? I hope so.

May God be with you on your quest, Penelope.

I'll let you know if we find . . . it, or another of its ilk.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Thursday, March 14, 2019

MOVIE WEEKEND: THE FAVOURITE

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's been quite a while since I reviewed a mouvie for you. I'm glad that I can recoummend The Favourite (2018, Rated R, Available on DVD, On Demand, or to rent from Amazon Prime), although you might nout like it unless your sense of humour is as dark as mine.


The Favourite is weirdly wonderful. It has three women playing the leads, although it was Olivia Colman as Queen Anne who won the Best Actress Academy Award, along with a number of other awards. Rachel Weisz as Lady Sarah and Emma Stone as Abigail were nominated for supporting actress Oscars. I don't know how one would decide that one of these actresses alone was worthy of Best Actress consideration, but I also don't know how they managed to say some of their whip-shot wicked lines without falling down laughing:

Harley: Might I remind you, you are not the queen.
Lady Sarah: She has sent me to speak for her. She is unwell.
Godolphin: What says she?
Lady Sarah: That Harley is a fop and a prat and smells like a ninety six year old French whore's vajuju.

This historical dramedy is set during the reign of Queen Anne (early 18th century). Anne is not the brightest crayon in the box. She has experienced many tragedies. Foremost among them is her 17 pregnancies that ended in miscarriages, still births, and dead children.

Because Anne is not exactly interested in the affairs of state and does not care to learn, Lady Sarah runs the country for her. Anne and Sarah have been friends since childhood. Only Sarah can get away with telling Anne the truth, such as "Sometimes, you look like a badger."

But then Sarah's cousin Abigail, whose family has fallen on hard times, arrives at Anne's palace to ask for a job. Sarah favors Abigail with work, very hard and ugly work, but Abigail seeks ways to ingratiate herself with Anne.

Who will end up as Queen Anne's favourite? And is it worth the cost?

I wish I knew about camera lenses and angles so I could understand how this movie was shot. The Director of Photography manages to exaggerate the size of their surroundings so that the characters look very small, which they are––at heart. The cameras also show the characters moving in curved spaces. Like the ducks they race, they move through the maze of the palace without ever reaching a worthwhile destination.

The class system is very important in this movie, whether it's Queen Anne over Lady Sarah and Lady Sarah over Abigail, or Abigail as a servant being shat upon by the more experienced servants.

I don't want to reveal the conclusion, but I read a review that said the final sequence was an arresting image and what did it mean? I think it indicates that the favourite, whoever she may be, is trapped and held tightly by Queen Anne in her whirling, selfish world.

I know some of you are already dealing with the terrible blizzard that's cutting across the United States. I hope your electricity stays on. I watched The Favourite on a DVD sent to me by my friends at Netflix, but if you're able to go out, you should be able to get the DVD from one of those Redbox kiosk thingies. You can also order it On Demand or through Amazon Prime streaming.

If The Favourite doesn't interest you or if you need more than one movie, which you probably do during a blizzard, I recommend BlacKkKlansman; Juliet, Naked; and Operation Finale. I adore A Star Is Born and sobbed over it as if I were a two year old whose ice cream fell off the cone and landed in the dirt. I watched Green Book, too, and wasn't wild about it, but a lot of people seem to like it.

These movies are NOT for children. As always, I suggest watching the movie yourself before you decide if it's okay for your teenager to watch.

Please stay safe and stay warm.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug




Monday, March 11, 2019

PENELOPE SPEAKS: IT'S ABOUT TIME

Hello. It is I, Penelope. Mom Mom has been so selfish with the computer that I've never gotten to write about my Christmas presents.

Mom Mom is lazy, too. She claims she's been sick. She doesn't do a thing unless I arrange it. I get in the bed and roll around to leave my fur on the sheets to force her to put on clean sheets. I even have to leave little puddles around the house to make her clean the floors. What an embarrassment!

My work is never done.



Thank heavens I didn't have to rely on Mom Mom for my Christmas gifts. Santa Paws was good to me because I am a good girl.

Here is my very best gift:

 

I have my own couch. It is in our office, where I work on the computer when I can get it away from Mom Mom.

My couch is soft and cozy, especially on chilly days. I love curling up on it.

Santa Paws also brought me new clothes to keep me warm:


This is my fuzzy red robe. I am beautiful in it––even more beautiful than usual. Red looks nice with my black-and-white fur.



I wear my robe when Mom Mom wears her red robe and her jammies. I don't have jammies. Maybe Santa Paws will bring me jammies next Christmas. It pleases me that Mom Mom and I have matching robes.  If Mom Mom has something, then I should have the same thing.

Santa Paws also gave me a denim jacket. It pleases me because Mom Mom has a denim jacket.


My jacket says "I Believe" and it has thread pieces that look like a piece of candy and a snowflake. Mom Mom does not have such nice pictures on her denim jacket.

I will not wear my clothes much longer. Soon it will be warm enough that I will be fine with just my fur.

I certainly hope Mom Mom continues to wear her clothes. She does not have lovely fur. She looks kind of strange and pink under her clothes.

Perhaps you remember that my brother Franklin got a big bed from Santa Paws. He still calls it the not-a-doughnut and won't sleep on it.

What an idiot.

That is all. Goodbye.



Tuesday, March 5, 2019

I, MARY BY LINDA KAY CHRISTENSEN

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Linda Kay Christensen has a new book out, and I absolutely love it (I also edited it).

I, Mary can be a quick read, but you might want to linger over its warmth and beauty as Mary tells her story in the first person. It's the simple tale of a teenage girl who must suddenly deal with the unexpected news that she will give birth to the Savior.

Linda has outdone herself this time. I'm glad I, Mary is available in time for Lent. It will make a great Easter gift, and be sure to get a copy for yourself.


I, Mary is available on Amazon at https://goo.gl/DbLd7S. Congratulations on your excellent work, Linda Kay.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug