JIMMY KIMMEL, JIMMY FALLON, AND JIM MORRISON TRIED TO MAKE ME MURDER WILLY DUNNE WOOTERS PART III

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It seems to me that before Garrison Keillor came to visit me we had established that Willy Dunne Wooters knew that Jimmy Fallon is good at impersonating musicians, and he sang with Neil Young and WDW had seen that.

I shoulda left it at that. But stupid me, I just had to say that my favorite Jimmy Fallon impersonation was of Jim Morrison singing the theme song from Reading Rainbow. I explained that Reading Rainbow was a show on PBS when my kids were growing up. It was about books. I looked up the video online and played it for the Wooters man:




I started the video. WDW said, Is that Jim Morrison?

No, I said. I already told you that it's Jimmy Fallon pretending to be Jim Morrison singing the theme song from a children's show called Reading Rainbow.

That's not Jim Morrison?

No. (My thought: I am going to get a butcher knife from the kitchen and stab you in the heart if you ask me that question one more time.)

That's Jimmy Fallon?

Yes. (My thought: I will let it go because it wasn't exactly the same question, but I'm still thinking about the shining blade on the butcher knife.)

Did Jim Morrison do that?

No, Jim Morrisn was dead before Reading Rainbow was on TV. (My thought: The butcher knife will make a very bloody mess. Maybe I should put down a tarp before I kill him. And instead of the butcher knife, what might bring about a quicker end? A gun? I don't know how to use a gun, and I am in favor of gun control. How can I be such a hypocrite that I would shoot my boyfriend with a gun? What about my sewing scissors? I remember that movie, I can't think of the title, but the man sends a guy to kill his wife, and she manages to stab him in the back with scissors and kill him. Nah. It's not that easy to kill somebody with scissors. Oh, Lord, help me, please.)

I try to change the subject a bit. I say, My favorite lines are when Jimmy Fallon sings "Goodnight, moon, Goodnight, stars."

Willy Dunne Wooters just looks at me with a Willy Dunne Wooters look on his face. He doesn't know what I'm talking about.

I explain: Good Night, Moon is a famous children's book. Jimmy Fallon uses a couple of lines in the song.

Did Jim Morrison do that?

No. Jim Morrison was dead when Reading Rainbow was on TV.

(My thought: Maybe I should kill myself instead of the Wooters man. Then someone else has to clean up the mess. I doubt if stabbing myself will work well. Hanging? Can I hang myself? No, I probably wouldn't break my neck. I'd asphyxiate, It would take forever.)

No, says WDW. I mean did Jim Morrison sing lines from children's books in his songs?

If I'd had a mirror to look in at that moment, I bet my face would have been purple.

No, I said. I don't know of a time when Jim Morrison sang lines from children's books in his songs.

He didn't sing lines from that children's book in any of his songs?

The lizard king
didn't sing songs
with lines from
children's books.

I feel pretty certain that's the way the words looked when they came out of my mouth. I start to think about Miss Junebug in the dining room with the candle stick. I think about forgetting that it would be hypocritical to buy a gun and use it to murder this man in the ballroom. I don't have to be Miss Junebug. I can be Col. Mustard and that lessens the hypocrisy.

WDW says, So Jim Morrison didn't sing anything from children's books?

I scream: Jim Morrison was the lizard king.
       Jim Morrison was the lizard king.
      Jim Morrison was the lizard king.

My mind is made up. I'm going to Wal-Mart for a gun and ammo.

Aw, don't get so upset, honey, says WDW. I know Jim Morrison was the lizard king. You just know so much more about these things than I do that I thought maybe he really sang that song.

No, Jim Morrison didn't sing that song.

Willy Dunne Wooters says, You seem tired. Why don't we go to bed? I'll rub your back till you feel better.

Okay.

We take off our clothes and get in the bed and God is in His heaven, and all's right with the world. 

I forget about butcher knives and guns and sewing scissors until the next time I need them.

Willy Dunne Wooters rubs my back. Then he kisses my neck so softly while one hand slides around me to hold my right breast. Oh, yes. It's heaven.

Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, stars.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug