Wednesday, February 18, 2015

FAVORITE YOUNG MAN AND I SPENT A DELIGHTFUL EVENING WITH GARRISON KEILLOR

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Earlier tonight, when it was still Tuesday, I dragged myself out of my sick bed (or if you're Andi Filante I drug myself out of my sick bed) because Favorite Young Man and I had tickets to see Garrison Keillor.

I love Garrison Keillor. Favorite Young Man loves Garrison Keillor.


I don't know if everyone loves Garrison Keillor. Please raise your hand if you love Garrison Keillor. If you don't love Garrison Keillor, then do you think it's a cultural thing? And by "cultural," I mean raised in the Midwest, Lutheran, morbid sense of humor, like jokes including risque.

A happy memory from Favorite Young Man's and The Hurricane's youth is that we listened to A Prairie Home Companion on Saturday evenings while we ate supper.

Then last night, the night before the show, I became ill (bad, bad tummy), and I haven't recovered completely. But I love G.K. and I spent $120 on those two tickets, and I wasn't letting a case of the shits diarrhea keep me from the man. It would be like flushing the 120 down the toilet with the you-know-what.

I managed to drink a little diet coke, and at 5 p.m. I ate some toast. It didn't cause much agony, so I decided to go, albeit with toilet paper stuffed up my arse in case of wet gas.

Garrison Keillor was not doing his radio show. He came out and sang and talked and told stories and jokes. The evening ended with a singalong. Many of the stories he told could be part of a Lake Wobegone newscast, but he didn't do The News From Lake Wobegone.

He started by singing a great song about dying someday and if he learns there's no God he will be pissed he wasn't an atheist.

He told a couple of jokes about Ole and Lena, whose names might as well be Lyle and Lois Goltz.

Ole is on his deathbed. He asks if Lena is here. Yes, of course. Is Sven here? Yes, everyone is here. Ole goes through some more names, asking if those people are here. The group assures him, We are all here. Ole says, Then why are the lights on in the living room?

If you don't get that, then I think you are too young, or you don't understand the kind of humor we Midwesterners tend to share.

Lena baked a rhubarb pie. Ole could smell it, and he wanted one last taste of rhubarb pie. So he crawls to the kitchen and gets out a knife and crawls to the pie. Lena comes up behind him and smacks him on the head and says, Leave that alone. It's for the funeral.

Oh, how I laughed. So did Favorite Young Man.

G.K. also said that no matter how bad things are, Midwesterners will always say, Well, it could be worse.

The show reached its charming conclusion. FYM and I headed out into the rain to walk to the car. FYM commented on how cold it was. Yah, I said, but it could be worse.

Then it occurred to me that I had done exactly what G.K. said I would do, so we laughed some more.

I told FYM I had such a great time that I might be in a good mood for ten or fifteen minutes.

Oh, but something happened that made me crazy. FYM dropped me off at the theater and went to park the car. I went in the building and turned to the right to get the tickets. When FYM came in he said that right after I got out of the car that Garrison Keillor walked by the car and went in the door to the theater. He was to the left of the car. I was to the right. I did not see him. Why does it matter? I saw him onstage. But it's fun to see celebrities get out of cars and act like regular people who stroll through the lobby.

I said to FYM, I love you unconditionally, but right now I am really fucking pissed off that you got to see Garrison Keillor walk into the building and I didn't. Really. Really pissed. BUT I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.

I'm also upset because I wore the pink cashmere gloves I got for Christmas and I moved the garbage cans from their spot at the curb where the garbage men empty them back to their usual home in the backyard. When we got to the theater, I noticed that the palms and fingers of the gloves had turned black. Oi! Was I upset! I don't think I can get the black off. That's what happens when you look forward to Garrison Keillor and you hope you don't have diarrhea that ruins the whole thing and you're such a good citizen that you don't leave your garbage cans out at the curb.

And yes, I've already looked online, and I can't find the exact same gloves that have a matching pink hat.

II forgot to say that yes, he wore red tennis shoes. I wish my dad could have been there. He loved Garrison Keillor. We're just a family of Keillor lovers.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug


I'll try to finish the story about Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, and Jim Morrison later today. It will depend on whether I have the strength to do anything when I get out of bed. And it's definitely WHEN I get out of bed and not IF I get out of bed because Franklin needs care.

36 comments:

  1. Sorry you haven't been well, Janie. BUT, I'm glad you got to see you favorite guy! FEEL BETTER!

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  2. Nice! I don't know him, but i'm sure I'd like him if I grew up with him.

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    1. Favorite Young Man or Garrison Keillor?

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  3. Glad you had a good time. I think one of the things about you that charms me is the fact you so demurely use the phrase "you-know-what" sandwiched in between sentences that use the phrases "the shits" and "stuff toilet paper up my arse in case of wet gas." So glad you soft-peddled the "you-know-what" or I may have blushed.
    Garrison Keillor is one of my favorite bad impressions. I can't do an impression, but it's so much fun to try.

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    1. I'd like to see that--not the you-know-what, but the impression attempt.

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  4. I LOVE Garrison Keillor! You are so lucky you got to see him :)

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    1. He said he felt lucky to see me, and he was mighty sorry about the stains on my pink cashmere gloves.

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  5. As long as you weren't drugged out of bed. Glad you made it out!

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  6. Drug. Nothing like setting my teeth on edge first thing in the morning. I've never heard of GK and I'm not sure how that's possible. He's right up my alley. Just ask Phil about the lights being on in the living room. He'd be right up Phil's alley too. Oh, and wet gas is called a shart, in case you didn't know.

    -andi

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    1. I am so pleased I set your teeth on edge first thing in the morning. Thanks for the shart information. A Prairie Home Companion is on NPR on Saturday evenings. Check PBS online. You can get some bits of the show there, too. You might even get the entire most recent show.

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  7. Hi, Janie Junebug! FOM here. You had me laughing out loud all the way through this post. You could make a living on the stand-up comedy circuit. You are Louis C.K. in pink cashmere gloves. (By the way, if yours are ruined, you can borrow mine... along with my darling matching pink hat.)

    Consider this. As bad as my jokes are..they could be worse.
    (BA-DUM-BUMP)

    I'm glad you were able to attend Garrison Keillor's performance w/o experiencing a Code Brown. Mrs. Shady turned me on to A Prairie Home Companion many years ago and I also appreciate the dry humor of Garrison Keillor.

    Thanks for a very entertaining post, dear friend Janie. I hope you are feeling much better today.

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    1. I feel like crap, and I'm distraught because I can't get the stains out of my gloves.

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  8. I love Garrison Keillor too! That Midwestern cultural point of view is very similar to the Canadian prairie point of view. I think it's the shared harsh winters. Like that rhubarb pie/funeral gag? We have that joke too except with an old Ukrainian farmer and perogies.

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    1. It's interesting that you have the same joke but with a different culture.

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  9. Two hands up for Garrison. It all resonates for me. Not to worry; the word is passed. First I taught my brother-in-law to turn out lights behind himself, and my granddaughters do it as a matter of course.

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    1. My dad taught the grandkids to turn off the light switches and say, Save energy.

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  10. Janie, being a Midwesterner, I understand the jokes complete. He is hilarious, and such a really ordinary guy. He's such a refreshing individual. Get well, girlfriend!

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  11. I cannot raise my hand. I do not love Garrison Keillor. Now, before you string me up and give me the William Wallace special, just know that it's only because I've never heard of him. But he seems quirky. I like quirky. And yeah, I got the midwestern humor. We live that humor every day. I don't think Colorado is technically midwest, but in terms of how people are, it might as well be.

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    1. Definitely quirky. Dark humor. He's 72. You better get to know him before he goes toes up.

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  12. Hubzam loves Garrison Keillor and I'm a moderate fan. Everything he says about being a mid-westerner is true, however. That is the beauty of what he does; it feels familiar. He reminds you of a neighbor or a friend with a shared history. I love that about him.

    I'm so sorry to hear you're sick, Janie-poo. Please get better soon. Franklin can come to my house; we have an extra bedroom and Coco is open to overnight stays of the canine type. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

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    1. Please don't use the word "poo" for a while.

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  13. I am a HUGE fan also and also a midwestern Lutheran lol! Seeing him is on my bucket list. I hope you feel better and don't git the reruns (midwestern humor).

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    1. I'm a Lutheran. The only thing that disappointed me a bit last night is that Garrison has gone and turned Episcopalian.

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  14. Next time you're in a dire situation. try taking two Imodium tablets. They never fail to help me.

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  15. I am a little familiar with GK but not much so. I am know thanks to you JJB!
    i am happy that you managed to stay intact all evening. Nothing is worse than feeling sick and pretending you are well! hey, it could have been worse!

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  16. Replies
    1. I know you're a favorite of his. He told a story about losing his virginity to you.

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  17. He is one intelligent man! He is not for everyone but he really knows his stuff and his style is unique. It is horrible when one is that ill but i am glad you didn't have to leave your seat in a hurry for you know what. As for cold...if it's raining...it's not cold:) We have a high of -15C today

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    1. That's mighty cold, Birgit. Yes, GK is brilliant and not everyone's cup of tea. He repeated a joke he'd made on the air about Republicans. He said it had caused quite a bit of trouble.

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