ANOTHER YEAR OF BULLSHIT, CRAP, AND SOME GOOD STUFF

 Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

2023 has been plenty weird. A former president indicted multiple times––after he was found liable for sexually abusing and defaming a woman. Kevin McCarthy was in and out like the dick he is and replaced by some little johnson who believes public policy springs from the Bible.

Russia's war crimes against Uktraine continue. Israel. Gaza. What the idiot calls hummus. Why does anyone want to watch a horror movie when that's happening?

Ozzy Osbourne retired. Elton John brought his touring career to an end. Buzz Aldrin got married on his 93rd birthday. David Crosby and Tina Turner died. 

And there was Barbie, which I have watched now that it's streaming. I appreciate its message about the patriarchy and it has a lot of cute moments, but I don't understand why some people went to see it multiple times in theaters. Billion dollar movie? Congratulations, Greta Gerwig, but it was not brilliant.

On the job, I try to make the best of things. Our team's schedule changed. The way we learned about it was a fuckfest that filled me with so much anger I almost quit. The new schedule along with some other revisions to his job ended in the resignation of our beloved supervisor, Bryan. I'm hanging in there. Let's just say my job satisfaction has decreased a great deal. During February I also have to train to handle another line of business in addition to the two I already take care of. I'm not pleased. 

We remain ridiculously busy and had massive lay-offs a few months ago. After being without a supervisor for an uncomfortably long time, a company reorganization brought us a new supervisor and someone from another team joined us so we had 10 people on our team. Since then, three people have quit, one was laid off, and one person is leaving us soon to join another team. It's not even our busy season and we are slammed. 

Dog-wise, we went through the terror of Franklin's cancer, but he's done so well since his surgery. He is my beautiful, cherished best buddy. Princess made us happy by agreeing to join our family. She's a trip, full of energy and struggling to ignore the devil on her shoulder. I love seeing Princess and Penelope snuggle on the couch. Two very different dogs love each other so much. 

I feel a lot of anxiety when I think about 2024. I love the indictments. I love Jack Smith. I'm not in love with what might happen next year with the Hitler wannabe. Specifically, I'm terrified. 

How can people avoid noticing all the good President Biden has done? We have plenty of COVID vaccine; we recovered from the supply chain issues; the horrible inflation inherited from the former guy is not so bad now; unemployment is the lowest it has ever been. 

Our president continues to stand with Ukraine, and he backs Israel. Some Republicans want to bring impeachment charges against him, but they can't figure out what crime he's committed because he hasn't committed any crimes. He's a man who loves his family. I wish he were younger but he's not so tough shit. I'd take Biden as president at 110 before I'd want the most popular Republican, who confuses Biden with Obama and fusses that Obama/Biden will start World War II.

You'll never hear Joe Biden quoting Hitler and calling human beings vermin. He is a man who took on an incredible burden and handled it as the adult he is rather than a petulant toddler. With his administration, the adults are in charge.

Let's keep it that way.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

HOLIDAY HEADQUARTERS RERUN

I thought you might enjoy this post from last winter when The Mantel Gang had some good times. They haven't made an appearance on my blog for a while because they've been working so hard.

 Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

At last the time has come for The Mantel Gang to share what they did over the holidays. First, they moved to their holiday headquarters––a secret location known as Top Shelf of Bookcase.

 They took the time to attend some public events, however, starting with their attendance at a Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

Following the parade, they buckled down and got to work, but someone new joined them to monitor their health. It's Dr. Fauci!

He's so diligent that even in  retirement he doesn't want his friends to get sick.

Their next public event was The National Tree Lighting Ceremony.

After working very hard throughout most of December, everyone took a break just before Christmas so they could enjoy the holidays.

They gathered in a new location––Top of Armoire––where they went walking in a winter wonderland.

Then President Biden wanted to attend church. He invited them all to join him. Suddenly everyone was busy. They claimed they had plans with their families or had already accepted other invitations.

Don't tell Joe, but they actually gathered around the Christmas tree to play some drinking games, led by Justice Ginsburg and Nancy Pelosi, who raised their gavels in unison.

Hillary imbibed a little too much and started to sing, which almost broke up the party. 

Here you can see she holds out a glass of liquid refreshment for Barack, but he preferred to smoke his holidays away.

The action figures haven't decided where they'll gather next. Do they want to move back to The Mantel, where they're on display all the time, or would they prefer a more secluded spot? I can tell you they've done a lot of whispering about classified documents. Shhhhhh!

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FLEAS NAVIDAD

 

AND THE WIENER IS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's time for the big announcement. Which poor soul will be the next to possess the germy, buggy, stinky,  Freakin' Green Elf Shorts? Your home will be contaminated. You will be infected. Your life will never again be the same.

The winner, of course, will hold next year's Freakin' Green Elf Shorts caption contest--if they survive the blight that will come their way the moment the shorts enter their home. 

I loved all your entries. They were excellent. 

My favorite overall comment was Michael's because his entry was the first one–– "I will make America great again, even though I have a very, very, very small package."––and because he shared some great news. Michael adopted a dog named Shirley! What a happy Christmas it will be for Shirley.

Elephant's Child shared this creation: I am your perfect diet. With me in the house you won't eat too much over Christmas. Or keep it down.

That's for sure, EC. I lose my appetite every time I see his orangeness on the news.

Inexplicable DeVice didn't enter but came up with these captions: Penelope: "Nope. Not even going to look. Just walk on by, girl. Walk on by." and "Urgh. Somebody Trumped in the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts - there's no way I want them now!"

Penelope's comment made me laugh out loud. 

Mistress Maddie, a recent winner, says, "These things are harder to get rid of then trying to get the demon out of Regan MacNeil in the Exorcist."

I hope that doesn't mean my head will spin around and I'll vomit all sorts of garbage before I get the shorts out of my house.

savannah came up with this suggestion for the donald: "I've never worn these FGES but if I did I would look as handsome as the photo of me wearing these FGES." So sayeth TFG! (aka The Fat Git) 

The Fat Git, of course, is the guy who gets to report his own height and weight to the police and claims to weigh 215 lbs. on a steady diet of Mickey D's and KFC. I wonder if he's ever met a vegetable.

Debra She Who Seeks speaks the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth:"No matter how disgusting, stinky, vermin-ridden and pestilential those Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are, they are TOO GOOD for the likes of him!"

Speaking of the truth, in the years he has left to live, which I hope are few, do you think his trumpiness might at some point be introduced to the truth? This is the moment for Jack Nicholson to bray, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. You're right, Jack. He can't. If telling the truth is easier and simpler, he'll still tell a lie. 

Now we come to the coveted position of first runner-up. If the winner for some reason cannot fulfill their term as Miss America, the first runner-up needs to step in to take possession of the elf shorts and hold the caption contest. That person is YOU, uptonking,  who wins first runner-up with this entry: 

Donald Trump proudly presents his new line of athletic wear: The Krampus Collection, featuring the latest in fashion technology - The Grinch Pinch. Yes, Grab 'em by the Grinch! Feel it today! Available at finer retail outlets like Walmart, Shopko and Cum 'N Go.

Donald Trump Athletic Wear is a great oxymoron, and I can't resist the mention of Cum 'N Go because I have the brain and sense of humor of a six year old. 

Finally, we arrive at the announcement of the wiener.

CONGRATULATIONS, RIMPY RIMPINGTON!

Rimpy Rimpington entered more than once so I won't share all of their captions here, only the winning entry. To read all of Rimpy's clever entries, check out the comments at https://dumpedfirstwife.blogspot.com/2023/12/its-time-for-freakin-green-elf-shorts.html#comment-form.

Here's the winner that's good for one pair of FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS and all the mayhem and misery that comes with them:

The shelves where he kept our nation's secrets are bare;

For that Grinchly Jack Smith had just been there.

I love seeing the name of superhero Jack Smith, and I'm passionate about calling attention to the former guy's penchant for giving away classified information. The man cannot keep his mouth shut!

Rimpy, you'll need to email me at dumpedfirstwife@gmail.com to let me know your name (I suspect it might not be Rimpy) and address. I won't be shipping the shorts until my holiday celebrations have come to an end and I've recovered from the current craziness of my job. 

It's been fun! Thank you for your entries. You're all clever and creative.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

YES, IT'S TUESDAY

 I had a shitty day at work and spent the entire evening preparing for work tomorrow. It's a little past midnight and I have to get up early to go into the office, which is a soul sucking frozen hellscape. 

Therefore, I will not announce the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts contest winner until Wednesday or maybe Thursday. I'm shooting for Wednesday. 

I apologize.

The temperature has dropped and I was out in the very cold waters of Lake Junebug at about 11:30 p.m. trying to adjust the pump because nothing was coming out of the hose. Fucking bloody hell is all I have to say. 

It makes me happy, though, to see Princess throw herself through the water. She loves making a splash.

Send positive energy my way and maybe I won't slap anyone at work tomorrow.

Now I'll get a few hours of sleep so I can get up tomorrow and be shit on again. This is supposed to be our slow season but we're getting slammed.

HO fucking HO HO

WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF A STORM

 Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's one week until Christmas Eve. I'll be working six days this week, but I don't mind. The trees are decorated and I've baked most of my cookies. On Tuesday we have a holiday lunch at work. 

On Tuesday I will also announce the winner of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts caption contest. We have a lot of great entries so it's a rough decision for me, but what a relief it will be to get those nasty things out of the house. I can't wait to bring in an exterminator. We also need a lot of aromatherapy and I need an appointment with my doctor and dermatologist to find out which treatments I need to recover from the horror I've experienced. 

We have happy news, too. Princess returned home yesterday. She finished her training program, although she and I will continue to have lessons with the trainer, Curtis. Curtis said she would probably be very tired at first because she needs to decompress.

She rests near me but hops up occasionally to grab a toy from the basket. For a while this morning she chased a squeaky ball around the house.

I wish we could go out for a walk, but this is happening:

Lake Junebug has achieved record depths, and the wind is blowing hard. I'll be glad when the storm moves on with those shorts. 

We had a lake of a different kind in the house last night. After the dogs went out and I watched Penelope pee, I prepared some supper for myself and sat down to eat. Penelope went to the back door to indicate she needed to go out, a trick she sometimes employs in the hopes I'll put down my food so she can run over to snatch some goody while I'm opening the door.

Forget it, Penelope, I told her. I'm not falling for it.

I ate my supper and about 20 minutes later went to the living room where I found Penelope had created Lake Superior under the Christmas tree! 

After I apologized to her for not letting her out, I heard Penelope snicker as I cleaned up the mess. Bah, humbug.

We have some new ornaments this year.

This adorable doggy was a gift from Mistress Maddie:

And I added this flag:

Some politicians want to forget Ukraine, but I won't. 

See you Tuesday for the big announcement.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

IT'S TIME FOR THE FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS CONTEST

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

With all of those indictments, the golden shine has worn off of his Florida home, so it now look like this:

He wants an upgrade for the holidays (before he settles into a jail cell, we hope), and unfortunately, he showed up at my house on Royal Avenue. He thought King Charles would be here to entertain him. 

This is his arrival:

And now it's time for the contest. You come up with your cleverest caption for the photo below. You have until Sunday to submit your entries and on Tuesday next week, I'll tell you which one of your sorry asses I've chosen as the winner. 

I will then pass The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts on to you and you will hold the next contest for the nasty things on your blog. They are so stinky and gross I can't wait to get them out of my house. It's a good thing the dogs have been treated for fleas. I haven't been, though. Ooooo! Something just crawled down my leg!

You can also enter the contest and say that you don't want to win. All captions will be treated with equal love and disgust. 

Here's the photo for which you need to create a caption:

Yes, that's Penelope standing behind him. She was so frightened she peed right after the picture was taken. The dogs do not like having him or the shorts in our Little House On The Swamp.

I await your clever responses.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS IN THE HOUSE!!!

 Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Here I am, a nice old lady who grew up in Kansas, someone who has never used a curse word and has remained a virgin so long she could be a nun, yet somehow I won last year's FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION, when it was held by none other than that nasty man whore Mistress Maddie (click on the link to see how Mads held the competition).

So now it's my turn to present the photo captioning competition for the shorts, but I've run into a problem. I've had the box with the shorts for months and the box is pretty on the outside, but I was too afraid to open that Pandora's box of pestilence, pain, and fleas without personal protective gear. My hazmat suit was on backorder from Ralph Lauren for months. 

But, finally, it arrived, and tomorrow, the bacteria-laden things will be out of the box and contaminating some poor soul's ass. It's your job to bring your clever captioning skills to the photo you'll see here, same bat time, same bat channel. 

Even with my hazmat suit, I'm afraid. 

Infinities of love and hatred of the germs,

Janie Junebug