Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
A gigantic palmetto bug is on the loose in my house.
I hate these bastards. They're ugly. They skitter around where they shouldn't be.
I'm terrified one will crawl on me when I'm sleeping and run into my mouth or my nose or lodge inside my ear and plant itself inside my brain . . . no, that's a worm in the brain for Robert Kennedy, Jr., who doesn't want your children to be vaccinated so they can enjoy the pleasure of childhood diseases.
But, ah, I digress.
I've spotted this particular bastard five times.
Sighting #1. Middle of night Tuesday–– I couldn't sleep and went to the kitchen for a drink of water. Turned on the lights. I screeched when the bastard darted across the kitchen counter. Tried to hit him with the fly swatter. He dropped to the floor and disappeared.
Sighting #2. Wednesday evening–– I was watching TV and he galloped up the wall behind the TV. I screeched and sprinted for the swatter and bug powder.* He ran to the underside of the doorway and threatened to descend on my head. I evaded him with a zigzag pattern. Then he flew to the floor and disappeared.
Sighting #3. Later Wednesday evening–– I got up to head for the bathroom and there he was, making a run across the dining room, headed for the hall. I screeched, but approached with swatter and powder in hand. He scurried up the hall door. I blasted him with powder once, twice. Tried to stomp on him when he plunged to the floor. He ran in the linen closet and disappeared. I hoped the next time I saw him I would be disposing of his grotesque corpse.
Sighting #4. Thursday evening–– The bastard is still very much alive. I can't remember where he was. Screeched. Tried to powder and swat him. He got away.
Sighting #5. Last night (Friday evening)–– Opened the dishwasher and there he was on the edge of the door. Ran for the powder and swatter. He was gone when I returned.
I give up. I'm inviting him for Christmas dinner. I'm sure he'll bring his friends, the sonovabitches, along with the entire Bastard Family. I'll move out on Boxing Day. The house belongs to them.
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
*
This chalky stuff does not kill bugs on contact, but a large dose of it tends to slow them down.
I also sprinkle diatomaceous earth in the back of cabinets and behind appliances.
At one time I had a big jug of Orkin bug spray. I could shoot that stuff on palmetto bugs until they were in a puddle of it. It didn't slow them down a bit.