A FOOTBALL PLAYER BAGGED ME

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

About a week before Christmas, Favorite Young Man and I made a quick trip to the nearest Publix grocery store. When we entered the parking lot, we saw the Jacksonville Jaguars' (football team) mascot, whizzing around from store to store on a motorized scooter. Children squealed at the sight of the fuzzy jaguar.

We ambled toward Publix. A radio station was broadcasting out front. Inside the store, a long table stretched out where BOGO items usually reside. They must be doing something for a charity, I told FYM.

We grabbed the few items we needed and headed for the cashier. As we offered our groceries for scanning, I noticed that an unusually handsome young man had popped up to bag my groceries. I nearly meowed at the sight of him. He turned for a minute to sign something for an employee.

Must be a new assistant managed, I purred to myself. I hope I see him more often.

He bagged my groceries and smiled. I thought I would melt from joy.

Favorite Young Man and I departed. He said, Mom, you do realize that was a Jaguars player who just bagged your groceries, don't you?

No, I answered, my bubble bursting at the thought that the "new assistant manager" would not greet me again in the future.

He was signing an autograph for an employee, FYM informer me. The guy was probably 6'5" and 250.

Well, I did notice he was muscular, I said, but I don't think he was 6'5".

Oh, yeah, FYM said. He's taller than I am.

FYM is 6'4".

He wasn't taller than you, I said.

We happily argued as we took the groceries to the car.

I looked at the Jaguars Web site, and I think this is the guy who bagged me.

I win the argument, Favorite Young Man. My bag boy is a mere 6'1".


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

MOVIE WEEKEND: THE MIGHTY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Today we're going all the way back to 1998 to consider The Mighty (PG-13, Available on DVD, Available on Netflix Screaming TILL JAN. 1).

I decided on The Mighty for this week's choice because it's available on Netflix Screaming only until Jan. 1, and because you might want to watch it with your kids while they're out of school. It's NOT a movie for young children, but I think it's okay for youngsters of about 10 and older, with supervision. It has some violence. In fact, this film has quite a few bullies, so it could make for some good discussions.

Maxwell Kane (Elden Henson) lives with his grandparents because his father killed Max's mother when he was quite young. Now he's a very large young man who has difficulty reading, and he's picked on to the point that I don't know what keeps his blood from boiling. Kevin Dillon (Kieran Culkin), who is very small and walks with braces and canes because of a devastating disease, moves in next door to Max. Kevin, a.k.a. "Freak", becomes Max's reading tutor, and they start their work with a book about King Arthur. Kevin teaches Max what it is to be a Knight of the Round Table, and together, they soon become a mighty pair, with Kevin high in the air on Max's shoulders.

I'm surprised I had never seen this movie, but I remember hearing about it when it was released. I like it. It's sad, but, ultimately, it's uplifting. These two boys change each other's lives. Kieran Culkin may not be as famous as his Home Alone older brother, but he's very good, as is Elden Henson. I didn't cry at the end, but some people who comment about it on IMDB feel it's a two or even three hankie movie. I don't have any children hanging around to watch movies with me, and I've stopped stealing children off the streets to be my movie buddies because their silly parents complained. But I'm sure this is a movie I would have allowed The Hurricane and Favorite Young Man to watch–not Middle Child, though, because she was grounded.

I love the Arthurian images throughout the movie. The Mighty also employs two of my favorite themes: the interconnectedness of humankind and writing one's own life.

A warning: Max's father, "Killer" Kane (James Gandolfini), is paroled during the course of the movie. He kidnaps Max, and he be scary. Although The Mighty doesn't have much graphic violence, Gandolfini's demeanor makes Tony Soprano seem kinda sweet. His part is small, though.

My only complaint about this movie is that if you look at the photo I stole lifted borrowed from IMDB, you can't tell that this movie is about Max and Kevin. Why are all those actors with much smaller parts featured so prominently? I guess some idiot moron suit at the studio thought that Culkin and Henson wouldn't be a draw, but it makes the photo misleading.

I say, You go, Max and Kevin! I like you. The Mighty earns The Janie Junebug Seal of Approval.

It's not a long movie. Watch it on Screaming while you can, or go ahead and seek out the DVD.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug



Maxwell Kane: [narrating] It was Freak who told me about King Arthur. How he got this round table, and how he got the bravest knights, and the whole world to sit at that table. You will be brothers, said King Arthur. And you will fight for all those who ask for help. You will be gentle to the weak, but terrible to the wicked. It was Freak who told me about King Arthur. It was Freak who told me everything.

MERRY KISSMAS!

Happy Christmas from Middle Child and me.

Just in case you can't tell us apart, I'm the young good looking one.

THREE MORE FOLLOWERS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I have 197 followers, and I love each and every one of you.

I would like to have 200 followers for Christmas. If you can send a loyal, dependable follower my way, I shall love you forever.

Just three followers.

Show a blogger some Christmas love.


Infinities of love,

Janie

CARDS CARDS EVERYWHERE ARE CARDS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Would you like to know what 82 birthday cards look like?

I knew you'd say YES!

First, I put the cards in this box, but even if I smooshed them down, there wasn't enough room for my Christmas present to my (former) mother-in-law. I sent her a book by Billy Graham, which I can say here because she's not into computers and would never read my blog.

So I found a box that was a little bit bigger, and put in the cards. Ah, yes. Definitely enough room for the book.

I mailed the box on Friday, using priority mail. It's supposed to arrive today.

But then it occurred to me that MIL would open the box and not be terribly surprised that I sent her a gift, but she would wonder what in the heck was going on with these cards from strange people–no, not strangers; strange people, that's what we all are.

I decided to call her that evening and give away the surprise. I ended up glad that I did because when I told her, she seemed kind of overwhelmed and not sure what was going on.

As I explained that I hadn't given out her address or last name or even said exactly when her birthday is, I could tell she started to relax, and then she sounded excited that she was going to have all these cards to look through. She could hardly believe that so many strangers (not necessarily strange people, I guess) had taken the time to send her a birthday card.

She asked if I had seen someone else collect cards like this. I said, No, it just popped into my head as a way to honor you.

We proceeded to have a lovely conversation and to express our love for one another. I could hardly keep from crying. She's so good to me.

I also thanked her for the Christmas gift she sent to me. I'm not her daughter-in-law anymore. She doesn't have to do anything for me, but she does because she's generous and she wants to set an example of how Christians should behave.

I told her that cards continue to arrive, and I'll send them after Christmas. Since Friday, I've received cards from Middle Child, Karl & Leslie in California, and Minxy (not saying where she lives because maybe she doesn't want people to know).

So my MIL has 82 cards for her 80th birthday, and she'll receive even more soon. I haven't been to the PO today, and I'm not going anywhere near there till they're closed for Christmas. That parking lot is crazy.

Thanks again to everyone who sent birthday cards, or supported my wish for cards in any way.

God bless you all!


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

MOVIE WEEKEND: SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Today I present a movie I'd never heard of until susie of loonysuse recommended it to me. It's called Salmon Fishing In The Yemen (2011, PG-13, Available on DVD).

Sheik Muhammed (Amr Waked) wants to bring his beloved sport of fly-fishing to the Yemen, and he's willing to spend the money to do it. His representative, Harriet (Emily Blunt), contacts a British fisheries expert, Dr. Alfred Jones (Ewan McGregor), who says the idea is ridiculous. But then the Prime Minister's Press Secretary (Kristin Scott Thomas) hears about the scheme and exploits it as a story to distract people from trouble in the Middle East. Dr. Jones soon finds himself faced with what he believes to be an impossible task.

I am charmed by this movie. The Sheik is imbued with a lovely spirituality that brings peace to everyone he meets, even fussy Dr. Jones, who lives a rather unfulfilled life with an unhappy marriage. I especially like a moment when Dr. Jones realizes he can bring salmon to the Yemen after all: He's walking in a crowd of people, when suddenly he turns to walk the other way, as if he's swimming upstream. As Dr. Jones becomes more involved and excited about the fishing project, he can't help falling under the Sheik's "spell" and noticing Harriet's enchantments.

The one false note about this film is Harriet having a three-week fling with a soldier who is sent to Afghanistan, where he ends up missing in action and then presumed dead. One would think she'd been his lover for years, based on her reaction.

I must mention Kristin Scott Thomas. She's quite hilarious as the Press Secretary.

Here's what susie says about Salmon Fishing In The Yemen: I only own twenty DVDs and this is one of them.  It gets 5/5 fishies.  

Spoiler Alert: ( My only beef (or salmon) with the movie was the excessive grief for the not-dead-soldier (spoiler.)  Harriet only knew him for three weeks! Spoiler Alert over and out.

This movie is perfect for a date night with the one you love, or to enjoy on your own, as I did. It's a movie that makes me feel good about the world, and I love the Sheik's sort of other worldly philosophy and glow. Salmon Fishing In The Yemen earns The Janie Junebug Highest Seal of Approval. Watch it when you're sick of Lifetime and ABC Family Christmas movies, which I calculate will occur in about seven minutes.

Happy Viewing!


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

THE BIG ASS TV & BIC FOR HER

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Last week I wrote a post about the hilarious reviews on Amazon for a Big Ass TV that costs $40,000 (read post HERE).

Apparently, I am now considered an expert on the subject of the Big Ass TV because I answered another customer's question about it.

The question was the following: I'm worried UPS will damage the retractable dome to my mansion when they lower this TV in by crane. Anyone had damage to their mansion?Thanks. B.Gates 

I replied: My mansion was somewhat damaged, but heck! It's just a mansion. One must consider whether the mansion or the TV is more important. Mansions can always be repaired.

Then ANOTHER customer sought my opinion: This looks great, but the old theater down the street is for sale for only $2000 more. Which should I get? 

My reply: I think it's a question of how comfortable your house is v. the theater. I have very nice theater seats in my house, and my feet do not stick to the floor the way they do in a movie theater. And if you buy the theater, will strangers expect to come in to watch movies with you? I wouldn't care for that. My big ass TV allows me to watch whatever I want in private, including "Naughty Schoolgirls". Thank you for an excellent question. I shall pray that God will give you the answer you need.

After getting quite a bit of enjoyment out of the Big Ass TV (I'm pretty easily amused and definitely a cheap date), our darling, adorable Maggie at Padded Cell Confessions pointed out some great reviews for a pen, namely The Bic Cristal For Her Ball Pen.

You can see this amazing pen at

http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-0mm-Black-MSLP16-Blk/dp/B004F9QBE6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386876014&sr=8-1&keywords=bic+female+pen
I'll give you a little taste of the reviews: Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.*
*Note: I did not write this review, but I wish I had.
Now all of you who are at work at your lousy jobs, stop what you're supposed to be doing, and check out the Big Ass TV and the Bic For Her. Then laugh uncontrollably. When your boss asks what you're doing, say, "Just my job, which I always do. I laugh because work makes me so happy." 
I must add here: Maggie, I missed you so. Please don't ever leave us again.

Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug

WINNERS CAN COUNT CARDS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

When I started this giveaway, my main goal was to call attention to my editing because if you need an editor, I can do the job, and I need the work. Of course, I was celebrating my one thousandth blog post, too, and will continue to do so for a while.

But when your cards for my (former) mother-in-law's 80th birthday started to arrive, my MIL became the focus of the giveaway. Your generosity has moved me beyond words, so I'll just say thank you.

First, let's count cards. We don't have 80–yet. I'm going to mail the cards to my MIL on Friday. I'll use priority mail so she receives them by Christmas. I'll send a Christmas gift to her at the same time.

When I send the cards on Friday, THERE WILL BE 80. That's all there is to it. Some cards from you are still on the way. Willy Dunne Wooters will send a card. I'll send a card. Favorite Young Man will send a card. I have lots of birthday cards and I know lots of nice people here in Jacksonville who will sign cards. Eighty cards will not be a problem.

I'll send any cards that arrive after Friday to my MIL after Christmas.

Cards have arrived from the following people during the last few days: Lavoice; one of my sisters and her husband; Suzy; Anne Marie; Dee; Sally;  fishducky sent two more cards, one from Bud and one from her daughter Nameless, whose name I now know and I am not above blackmail; and 10 cards came from Coffey, each one from a different person (Coffey, you will receive a special Christmas email from me).

That means 18 more cards. Now let's use the quadratic equation and think about the high potta noose of the circle and consider some algebraic geometry because that's The Hurricane's field of study.

We have 62 cards, and as I said, I WILL have 80 cards in that box I send on Friday. 

I know Margaret will be amazed and delighted because so many people took the time to send a beautiful birthday card to her.

Now, let's reveal the winners of the giveaway (chosen at random):

The book Day Laughs, Night Cries goes to Jenny Matlock.
The book Homeless in Hawaii goes to Kianwi.
The book Cleft Heart goes to Shelly Morales.

A $25 Amazon gift card goes to Rita McGregor.
A $25 Amazon gift card goes to Practical Parsimony (Linda).

An Editor's Tip t-shirt goes to Nicki Elson.

And $150 worth of editing by moi goes to Brandon Ax.

Congratulations, winners, and thank you to everyone who participated in any way.

Jenny, should I send your book to the address on the package you sent to me? Kianwi and Shelly, I need addresses from you, unless you put a return address on the birthday cards you sent. If you did and want me to use those addresses, no prob.

Rita and Linda, I'll email your gift cards to you.

Nicki, my sweet Vebarino, I'll email a link to you so you can choose the style, size, and color of your t-shirt.

Brandon, I'll send you an email about editing. I hope you have a WIP or something you'll complete soon because my OCD longs to work for you.


God bless you all.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

TODAY'S NEWS TOMORROW

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

The meaning behind the title of this post is that you'll get today's news tomorrow, which should be Monday because as far as I know, today is Sunday.

After I go to the post office tomorrow, I'll tell you how many cards we have. We won't be up to 80 yet, but no need to fret. More cards are in the mail, and I have lots of extra birthday cards. I can ask my neighbors to sign cards and ask all the servers at the local restaurant that Willy Dunne Wooters and I haunt.

I'm going to mail the cards, along with my Christmas present for Margaret, on the 20th. I'll use priority mail so everything is there before Christmas. If I receive some cards after the 20th, I'll send them along as I get them.

Of course, the giveaway has ended. Tomorrow, when I tell you how many cards we have, I'll also announce the winners.

Hang in there everybody! For those of you who have snow, don't give yourself a heart attack shoveling. It was kind of warm and sticky here. Then it rained yesterday evening and most of the night. It cooled off some.

We had a tiny cold snap recently. Harper started growing a winter coat. Then it warmed up, and he started losing the winter coat. His fur doesn't know what to do.

See ya tomorrow!


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

TEN HOURS!

Only 10 hours left to enter my giveaway. If you haven't logged into Rafflecopter (just above this post), and told it about all the great stuff you've done, then you haven't entered. 

I'll probably announce winners on Monday, and I'll try to count the cards, so to speak, this afternoon.

We're doing very well!

GIVEAWAY & RAFFLECOPTER

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Just want to make sure it's clear that to enter the giveaway, you need to log into Rafflecopter and tell it what you've been doing. Only one day left to enter.

Rafflecopter is at the top of the page under my profile photo, and I'll put a copy of it in this post. I don't want any confusion.

Tomorrow I'll let you know how many birthday cards we have for my (former) MIL. We made quite a bit of progress today.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug


a Rafflecopter giveaway

CELEBRATING MEDICAL INSURANCE: MY ONE THOUSANDTH POST CELEBRATION

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Franklin agreed to give up Franklin Friday because, as promised, I'm presenting my top ten most popular posts as part of my one thousandth post celebration. This post was first published on June 16th, 2012. I'm happy to report I now have an account at healthcard.gov, and I qualify for a $125/month subsidy. Here's "Medical Insurance," with 851 page views.

It's #6 on my top ten hits list:

Dear Friends,

I'm in a medical insurance conundrum. I'd like to tell you my problem, and I would appreciate your advice. I'm sure many of you have more experience with making insurance decisions than I do.

Here's the situation: I have COBRA until November, but it costs about $635/month, which is putting me in debt. It's good coverage, especially with the prescriptions I need, but I certainly don't have $600/month in medical bills.

I spoke to an agent at a large well-known insurance company. She said that an individual policy would cost me about $1,000/month. Yikes!

I'm not proposing that I give up medical insurance altogether, but I see online ads all the time for health insurance options. So today I decided to respond to an email offering a health insurance quote. I spoke to an agent at multiplan.com.  He said that I could get insurance through a group plan by joining an organization. The insurance would cost about $330/month. If what this man said is true, then the prescription coverage is quite good, and office visits are pretty well covered.

I told him I wanted him to send me information in the mail so I could go over it with Favorite Young Man and make a decision. He said he didn't have a conventional policy to send to me, but I could Google U.S. Health to get more information.

Now, here's the bad stuff I found. I Googled U.S. Health and found nothing. I also looked for reviews of multiplan.com and read a few complaints -- one from someone whose agents didn't give him up to date information about coverage and one that said to get insurance through multiplan.com that you first have to pay $100+ to join the organization and then you have to make your first insurance payment immediately. Another person said she had an information booklet her agent gave her and she could never figure out from looking at it what is covered and what isn't.

However, I also looked at a Web site about scams that said multiplan.com did not appear to be a scam. This was in one brief paragraph, and then the writer went on in detail about something that is a scam.

The Better Business Bureau site said that multiplan.com has no complaints against it and no unresolved issues. Although I read those three reviews about problems, three is a very small number. When a company really is a scam, usually it's easy to find scads of complaints about it online.

Multiplan.com seems iffy to me because the agent can't send me information that I can look over to see what's covered and exactly what the costs are. But the BBB says no complaints or cases have been filed again multiplan.

Can anyone advise me as to what I should do? If I don't make a change now, when November rolls around, unless I've found a job with insurance, I'm going to have to get some sort of medical plan.

Infinities of love and thanks in advance for any help you can give me,

Janie Junebug

P.S. I just spoke with an agent from Assurant. He said they are one of the five major insurance companies writing individual policies. He told me about a plan that would cost 350/month. It covers major medical and all recommended services such as mammograms and colonoscopies are free. Has anyone heard of Assurant? Do you know anything good or bad about them?

I'll also research Assurant and look for customer reviews.

As it turned out, the only insurance I could get was a cheapy Florida Blue plan that didn't cover much. No one would give me REAL insurance because of my pre-existing conditions. Of course, that problem will be over soon. Thank you, President Obama!

MOVIE WEEKEND: THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Today I present for your consideration yet another film that allows us to peer into the lives of strange and fascinating people. This documentary is called The Queen of Versailles (2012, Rated PG, Available On DVD and Netflix Screaming).

David Siegel made a boatload of money selling time shares. Along the way he shed a wife–or maybe two, I can't remember–and some kids. Then he married his trophy wife, Jackie, and they had a boatload of kids together. They decided to build the largest private residence in the United States–not too terribly far from where I live in Florida, yet light years away. This home would be based on Versailles. But then the economy tanked and David's business went down the toilet, and there they were, stuck living in the regular old mansion that wasn't big enough for all of them. Construction on the new home ended.

The Queen of Versailles ranks right up there with the strangest and most interesting documentaries I've seen. Jackie is particularly hilarious when she tries to save money. She sends a limo to McDonald's to get food. She visits a friend and rents a car, I think at Hertz, and asks what the name of the driver is. The guy behind the counter has to explain to her that cars at Hertz don't come with drivers. The Siegels have a bunch of dogs that poop all over the place. They are rich slobs.

We also see the new home that's in the midst of construction, and Jackie shows off the staircase she's going to use to "visit" the children. She buys cartloads of Christmas presents for the kids, who open their gifts, unimpressed, saying things like "I got this last year."

I'm torn between thinking these people are a riot or absolutely pathetic. I certainly feel sorry for the children. Jackie appears to be a blank-eyed drone with outrageously over sized boobs created by plastic surgery, yet at times she's a well meaning and kind blank-eyed drone with outrageously over sized boobs. Whether you think the Siegels are interesting or pitiful, this documentary certainly makes a point about The American Dream. I hope you'll watch it and see what you think of it.

The Queen of Versailles earns The Janie Junebug Highest Seal of Approval.

Happy Viewing!


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

WIENER DOGS SEND CARDS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Here's a card update: Five cards were in my PO Box yesterday. They are from Wendy in New Zealand, Brandon in SC, John of Jacksonville, Lisa of Jacksonville, and two wiener dogs who live in Jacksonville. Rusty and Izzy couldn't afford to send separate cards, so they sold their bones to a poodle and sent one together.

Thank you to everyone for helping!

Oh, and what's that? You want to know how many cards we have?

Forty-four! We passed the halfway point. Yay us!

We need 36 cards, and I know a lot of them are in the mail. If I don't get 36, I will come up with them by hook or by crook. I wonder what that saying means. Pardon me while I Google it.



From http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/by-hook-or-by-crook.html:

Meaning

By whatever means necessary - be they fair or foul.

Origin

'Hook' is a word with many meanings and as a consequence it appears in numerous English phases - 'get one's hooks into', 'hook, line and sinker', 'on/off the hook', 'sling your hook' and, most notably, 'by hook or by crook'. That last phrase is one of the holy grails of etymology; many people are sure they know the derivation but, in truth, the origin is rather obscure. We can be sure that it is a very old phrase and that it was in general use by the late 14th century.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

BIG ASS TV

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Recently the lovely Crystal Collier at http://crystalcollier.blogspot.com/2013/12/my-new-4000000-tv.html wrote a post about a television that can be purchased on Amazon for $40,000.

You can find the Big Ass TV here:
http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

The Big Ass TV looks like this, only much bigger, as in 85 inches:

The hilarious part, as Crystal pointed out, is that people have been leaving reviews of the TV that are a riot. For example:

•  We sold our daughter into white slavery so we could buy this TV.
• I got it because the two AA batteries were free with the remote.
• We got a banana slicer with the TV and the banana slicer has made our lives so much easier.

Of course, yours truly had to get in on the action. Here's my review:

I sold a kidney to get my TV. Now my other kidney is failing. If I return the TV, do you think I can get my kidney back? I like the TV. It's okay. But it will be too large to go in my coffin.

This TV has 642 customer reviews. If you need to laugh–and who doesn't?–then take a look at the reviews at http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/product-reviews/B00CMEN95U/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1.

By the way, you can talk to this TV, so the people who sold their daughter into white slavery don't need to get her back. They can chat with the TV instead of the kid.

Remember, you heard about this from Crystal Collier first.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

CELIBATING LOVE AND INTIMACY: MY ONE THOUSANDTH POST CELEBRATION

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

As promised, I'm presenting my top ten most popular posts as part of my one thousandth post celebration. This post was first published on March 1st, 2012, as part of a series of guest posts in which various bloggers tried to help me figure out love and intimacy. For the record, I think I'm a lot closer to understanding it now that I know Willy Dunne Wooters. Six hundred seventy page views later, here's "WHAT IS LOVE? WHAT IS INTIMACY?" by none other than the much-missed Maxwell about whom so many of you are curious. 

Here's #7 on my top ten hits list:

What is Love?

Baby, don't hurt me. DON'T hurt me!

NO MORE!!!

So, this whole “What is love/intimacy?” thing is a bit antithetical to what my blog tends to talk about. But Janie asked, and since she was one of the few people who supported me on what is, undoubtedly, my most poorly received blog post, I knew I had to answer the call.

I'm awesome. Tell your friends.

Anyway, love/intimacy... I consider myself to have been in love/intimacy three times. I'll start chronologically.

The first time was with a girl I had dated for about 11 months in college. The bulk of our relationship was built on a close friendship. We had known each other for years before we ever actually dated.

I mean, I had groped her years before we ever kissed. It was that sort of friendship.

The love and intimacy stemmed from the friendship we had built over many years. We knew each other so well that we didn't have to go through any of that “are we compatible?” shit. And yes, save for the sex, the first several months of any relationship are shit. We avoided all that shit, because we were awesome.

Like constipation, assuming you don't think too deeply about that metaphor.

But, over time, we learned we didn't work as a couple. Plus, distance didn't help. Boo.

Also, apropos of nothing I've stated here, this was the girl who tried to get 4,000 women to simultaneously murder me.

Years later, came love/intimacy #2. This was someone I went to grad school with. We knew each other for about six months before we ever started dating.

This relationship lasted 3.5 years. We were studying the same thing, so we had a lot of shared common knowledge and friends. Thinking back on this, I think this is where our intimacy stemmed from – we knew so much of the same stuff that we could get into really deep conversation about our field of study without having to deal with anything real.

Fun story: One night, this ex and I went out for a nice meal. It was one of our date nights, and we were both looking forward to it. We had been dating for years at this point. During dinner, we got into one of our typical discussions on research we were doing. This was a particularly in-depth discussion, as we were getting into the nuances of the subject material. When our bill came, with both burst out laughing. The waiter, without asking or any prompting from us, split the bill. He had overheard enough of our conversation to assume that we were not even slightly romantically involved.

We thought it was funny at the time. Though I kinda wanted to punch the waiter in the junk.

Currently, I'm in love/intimacy #3. God willing, the third and final time I have to deal with this shit.

By far, this is the easiest one. I'm myself. She's herself. We're similar, yet different. We have very different views on life, but similar views on the things that matter.

• Kids? Same (none)
• Religion? Same (none)
• Interpersonal relations? Insulty (my nickname for her is “Slutty Face”; I'm in her phone as “Ass Face”)
• Living together before marriage? Yes (we are)
• Marriage? Sure (but no rush)
• Wedding? I guess... (but fuck that shit – elope)
• Chores? Shared (like a boss)
• Decorations? Complementary (I'm function; she's form)

You get the point.

Everything about this relationship is easy. It's perfect. It's been going on (mostly) for over a year. The parts that weren't on were due to distance (an obstacle which has been overcome).

So what is love/intimacy?

• It's the ability to wake up in the morning and say “Get out of the bed, you dirty whore!” then follow it up with “Now tuck me back in and snuggle me.”
• It's being able to turn a forcibly picking of the nose into a sexually intimate moment.
• It's being able to have a conversation about a TV show you're watching while in the bathroom pooping.

You get the point.

Basically, it's easy. RSDW (my bloggy nickname for the GF) and I were long-distance for several months. Whenever she and I were together, it was easy. When we were apart, the relationship was still fine; it was the individual parts that were hard. Grocery shopping for myself sucked, and is something I avoided at all costs. Grocery shopping with her was easy and fun. House upkeep I never used to do, and when I did, was awful and poorly done. Since we've moved in together, it's easy and happily done.

You get the point.

No, the birds don't sing when RSDW and I are together. Disney movies make no more sense, and they can largely suck on my unwashed, freshly-evacuated asshole. Jesus has no part in our relationship, save for when one of us screams “Jesus Fucking Christ” during the throes of orgasm.

Since we now live together, RSDW's mother likes to use the (ridiculous) phrase: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Excuse the inappropriately- and overextended-metaphor, but when you love the cow so much you can't imagine life without it, you fucking buy it.

That's what love/intimacy is. You get the point.

Thanks again, Maxwell. I miss you.

CELEBRATING MY FATHER-IN-LAW

As promised, I'm presenting my top ten most popular posts as part of my one thousandth post celebration. Today I'm skipping ahead to the post in the #2 position. I hope it will help you understand how important my in-laws are to me, and why I want so badly to surprise my mother-in-law with 80 cards for her 80th birthday. She has been through a lot. I want her to know how much she means to me. 

"A Brief Tribute To My Father-In-Law" was first published on February 29th, 2012. It has had 3,107 page views.

Here's #2 on my top ten hits list:

Dear Hearts,

I shall not mention my father-in-law's name here because I do not want to invade his family's privacy.

When I was told on Saturday that he had a heart attack and was in intensive care, I pictured him there, weak but smiling at kind nurses and family members come long distances to see for themselves he was still alive.

But my picture was all wrong. I learned today that when his heart stopped, although a nurse who lived in the neighborhood got it started again, ticking like an old clock, he suffered brain damage. In his hospital bed, he slept the sleep of the dead and never opened his eyes. A coma had captured him. It would not let him loose.

So, today, someone unplugged the ventilator that forced breath in and out, in and out of his lungs. He gasped his last breath and lay still. I know no details of his death or his funeral. Though I feel great love for him, I am not part of his family anymore --- except in my heart, beating on uninterrupted while the tears weep from my eyes.

My father-in-law had a hereditary heart disease. It also killed his father. But in spite of the disease, Grandpa lived to be a little old man who came off the golf course after playing 18 holes and dropped dead from a heart attack.

My father-in-law was told many years ago that he was down to a few months to live, to prepare for death because heart disease was about to lay icy fingers around his throat and squeeze till all life was gone. But he was blessed with a life-saving surgery in another state, and firmly believed that the many prayers said for him saved his life.

Following his surgery, he did not return to his job as a city engineer. He retired and gladly took his pension and played golf every day that the weather was nice. I think he enjoyed those bonus years of living.

I do not know what he was doing before his heart attacked him on Saturday. I hope he was playing golf or enjoying a game of cards with my mother-in-law, whose own heart must ache with a pain beyond comprehension.

The last time I saw him was at The Hurricane's college graduation. I could see that old age had mellowed him. He seemed much more relaxed and happy than when he was younger. He was delighted to see my children. He relished my son's resemblance to my father and said, You look just like your Grandpa Goltz.

I don't think it ever occurred to him to say that this grandson also resembled him.

And, of course, he reveled in the success of The Hurricane. He smiled and chuckled at my cheering when she received her diploma.

Then in August, 2011, he celebrated his 80th birthday. Both my children were there to enjoy the occasion, and enjoy it they did. The Hurricane had spent part of her summer on genealogical research. My father-in-law was delighted to learn some of his family's history from her. He knew very little because two generations of his maternal grandparents' family died young and thus, did not have time to sit at the fireplace and impart the story of their family to younger members.

So, my father-in-law did not know that his great-great grandfather was a Union soldier who is buried in Arlington Cemetery. He did not know he was distantly related to President Franklin Roosevelt and the Spencer family, making Princes William and Harry distant cousins to my children.

Reportedly, he was thrilled with what he learned and enjoyed every minute of his birthday celebration.

I know this only from the reports I received from my children. I was not there. He may have treated me as a daughter, but I was no longer a member of their family. I have written before that divorce destroys families. Sadly, this destruction is true for more than the immediate family of the divorced.

My father-in-law had a rather strange and difficult childhood. His parents divorced when he was very young, uncommon for that time period. His mother left him with her parents. When she came to retrieve him at some point -- I don't know how old he was -- he didn't want to go. His grandfather said he could do as he wished, stay or go. He was welcome where he was.

He stayed, and many years later when his grandfather was alone on this, our planet Earth, he found a home with my father- and mother-in-law.

My father-in-law had a master's degree in civil engineering and was the father of four.

Every time I spoke to him following the divorce, he was extremely kind to me. My ex-husband once accused me of taking money from his parents that was intended for our son and using it for my own enjoyment. I called my in-laws in tears. My father-in-law answered.

He said, Janie, when we give money we don't look back. It's a gift and it never occurred to us that you did anything you shouldn't have.

I don't know how I could have been more grateful for these words.

And so now, he is gone, yet he is not. He lives eternally with our savior, Jesus the Christ, in His heavenly home. He is mourned by his beloved wife of more than 50 years, his children, grandchildren, many friends, and one former daughter-in-law.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug


Thus, it is the widow of this dear man for whom I ask you to send birthday cards. My (former) mother-in-law continues to shower me with kindness and love. Please send a card for Margaret to this address:

Janie Goltz
PO Box 61371
Jacksonville FL 32236

I need 46 more cards to reach the goal of 80, and I thank all of you who have already sent cards.

MORE CARDS! THANK YOU!

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I received five more birthday cards for Margaret (my former mother-in-law who's turning 80). Thank you!

For those of you who haven't heard about it yet, although I don't know how that could be possible with the way I run my mouth and tap at my laptop, I want to send Margaret 80 cards from all over the world. You get 10 entries in my giveaway for sending a card.

Prizes are three books, two Amazon gift cards, one t-shirt, and a partridge in a pear tree. Or maybe $150 worth of editing by The Queen of Grammar (dat's me).

To send a card for Margaret, please use this address:

Janie Goltz
PO Box 61371
Jacksonville FL 32236

Today's new card-givers are Sue in Australia and my oldest sister. I'm not telling you where she lives, but it starts with a T and she says y'all. Super-duper card-givers are Inger, who sent a SECOND card, and Shelly, who sent a SECOND and a THIRD card. God bless you all.

Okay, now let's figure out how many cards we have and how many more we need to get to 80.

Yesterday we had 34 cards, so we needed 46 more. Now we have five more, for a total of 39 cards. Consider the sine and have a tangent. That means we need 41 more cards. I'm counting on you, but don't worry if we don't get to 80 by the end of the giveaway. I will walk the streets, which I do anyway, and accost strangers, forcing them to sign cards.

As of this moment, you have five days and two hours to enter my giveaway. If you don't want to enter the giveaway, you still are allowed to send cards.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug



P.S. I hope you'll visit the ab fab author Nicki Elson at Nicki Elson's Not So Deep Thoughts. She's added my rafflecopter to her blog and if you tell her you sent a birthday card to me for my mother-in-law, Nicki will give you a free digital copy of her short story that involves three octogenarians. No doubt, antics ensue.

CARDS! THANK YOU!

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I hope you'll visit the ab fab author Nicki Elson at Nicki Elson's Not So Deep Thoughts. She's added my rafflecopter to her blog and if you send a birthday card to me for my mother-in-law, Nicki will give you a free digital copy of her short story that involves three octogenarians.

As you may recall, my goal is to send 80 cards to my mother-in-law, Margaret, for her 80th birthday. You can get 10 entries in my giveaway for sending a card for Margaret to

Janie Goltz
PO Box 61371
Jacksonville FL 32236

You have six more days to enter the giveaway, and a variety of ways to enter. Become a new follower of my blog, earn five entries. Follow me on Twitter, get an entry. These are merely a couple of examples.

Prizes are three books, two Amazon gift cards, one t-shirt, and $150 worth of editing by moi.

I know you want to know if I've received your card. During the past few days, cards have arrived from the following people: Andi, Jordan, Kianwi, Juli, Sandy in Michigan, Ron, Sophie Doodle (yes, dogs can send cards), Jim, Jo-Anne, Carol, Linda, Linda's exbf, Jay, and Kellie.

That's 14 more cards. Now let's add 14 to the 20 cards we already have, divide by the square root of 7, and add a little pi (apple, please).

We have 34 cards! We're almost halfway there!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Keep those cards coming. If you've already sent one, maybe your significant other or your dog could send one.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

INFAMY

Please bear in mind that today is Pearl Harbor Day.

The Veterans Administration estimates that 1,000 American veterans of World War II die each day.

Thus, we lose 1,000 heroes everyday, and with them go their memories and experiences.

The following photo is of the USS Arizona Memorial in Honolulu:

It marks the watery graves of 1,102 of the 1,177 sailors and Marines killed on the Arizona on December 7th, 1941.

During the attack on Pearl Harbor by the Imperial Japanese Navy, 2,402 Americans were killed and 1,282 were wounded.

War on Japan was declared the next day.

FRANKLIN FRIDAY: MERRY KISSMAS!

Hi hi hi hihihihihihihihihihi Every Buddy! I'm Franklin the Bordernese and I'm the bee's knees!

I dunno what that means, but Mom said it. I want all of you to come with me because I have some special stuff to show you.

First, here's my brother and best friend, Harper.

Now, we start to get to the really cool stuff with lights. Mom has been decorating. This is the mantel:

Mom's mom painted this wood plate with the little houses and people. Mom says it's called folk art.

Mom thinks Mrs. Rita will like this cat that's an angel. I think that's ridicurous to think a cat could be an angel.

These are two little wood trees in the foyer. They are NOT for lifting our legs on.

This is what the window in the foyer looks like from outside:

Mom's mom painted this plate and Santa Claus, too. The plate is supposed to have cookies for Santa on it. Mom won't put out the cookies because she says they'd turn into cookies for dogs.

This wagon and basket are on top of the pie safe in the family room. Each one has a teddy bear in it.

And now come with me to the very best thing of all, THE KISSMAS TREE.

I don't know why it's called The Kissmas Tree. Maybe because Mom and Willy Dunne Wooters like to look at the lights and decorations and then they smooch and talk lovey-dovey lovey-dovey all the time. Then they show each other a good time. It's so gross. Bleah.

Don't tell Mom, but sometimes when she's tapping on the computer I sit with The Kissmas Tree and enjoy the lights. Then I find Mom and I give her a kiss. I learned what a kiss was the very first day I met Mom.

Mom says this cute fuzzy ornament came from Kianwi at simply she goes. It's one of my favorite ornaments because Kianwi's dog picked it out for Mom. It says PEACE.

And now here's the very best picture of all. It's the whole Kissmas Tree! Mom says we will leave it in the family room until 2014. That's a very, very long time from now.

I think Mom wants to keep it up because it gives her more excuses to kiss Willy Dunne Wooters.

I say Merry Kissmas!

Okay I love you bye-bye.


Franklin the Bordernese

P.S. Mom says please visit Miss Nicki at Nicki Elson's Not-So-Deep Thoughts. Miss Nicki is so nice that she has put our rafflecopter on her blog and if you send a birthday card for my Grandma Margaret's 80th birthday, Miss Nicki will give you a story for FREE! Mom loves the way Miss Nicki writes. Send birthday cards for Margaret to

Janie Goltz
PO Box 61371
Jacksonville FL 32236

Mom will write another update tomorrow about how many cards we have and which ones we've received. Thanks for helping Mom give Grandma 80 cards for her 80th birthday!