BERYL, GET LOST!

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I am not happy. And when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Actually, that's a lie. The dogs are the only ones here with me and they seem perfectly content.

I, however, am not happy because I am ready for Tropical Storm Beryl to fly away.

Right now.

She's been here since Sunday. This is hump day. Don't you think she's worn out her welcome?

This is Beryl arriving near Jacksonville late Sunday night.

I don't really mind the rain Beryl brought. We've had a drought for more than a year, so rain is good. But two things happened yesterday that bugged the heck out of me.

First, while I was taking a nap, water started dripping from one of the screws in the dining room ceiling vent. By the time I discovered the drip, the dining room table was wet, two of the chairs were wet and had ugly stains, and the floor had a nice big puddle.

I got up on my trusty step stool and discovered the vent was loose. The screw from which the water dripped needed to be tightened. Try as I might, I could not turn that screw.

Sadly, I had to force myself to march next door and ask hot, hot young Anthony to come over and take care of my screwing needs. I was a little sad that Anthony was wearing his shirt, but oh, how very nice it was to have him in my little house for a visit. He tamed the screw. The water stopped dripping.

I was concerned that I had a leak that was coming from the roof to the attic to the vent. Maybe I do, but Little Chick thinks it's condensation because of all the humidity brought by Beryl. Favorite Young Man will check the attic to make sure the Christmas decorations stay dry.

Thus, Beryl = a leak or increased humidity that made a mess. That's a good enough reason for her to go.

But after I was happily screwed, something much worse happened. I took the sheets off my bed and someone ran out of the bed. It wasn't Anthony. It was

Yes! La cucaracha was sleeping in my bed. When I pulled back the sheets, he ran under the mattress. Suddenly possessing superhuman strength, I managed to lift the mattress, but he disappeared.

I sent out SOS texts, and Little Chick came over with upholstery cleaner for the wet dining room chairs, bug spray that won't harm the dogs, and roach motels. She was very sweet and helped me feel better.

But now that I've seen one cockroach in my bed, I know there are others even though the sheets are clean. The roach motels haven't had time to do their job.

So, now the question is this: Unless Beryl takes all the roaches when she leaves, where am I going to sleep?

Anthony, oooooooh Anthony. Do you have any extra room in your bed?

Infinities of love,

Lola

MEMORIAL DAY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Here we are at another Memorial Day. If you would like to learn more about the history of this "holiday," then please click here.

I really hate to see signs that say

This is not Valentine's Day, nor is it Christmas. Memorial Day is not a day of celebration. It is a day of remembrance, a day to observe with gratitude the sacrifices made by members of our military.  I am observing this day in two ways.

First, I made donations to the USO and to an organization that helps provide medical care to returning veterans. I can't save those who are already gone, but I can try to help those who serve us now.

Second, it's a day to think about my dad -- to think about how much I appreciated being raised by such a good father. He was a veteran, and he died on Memorial Day.

If you would like to watch a movie today, I recommend War Horse -- it is a beautiful story and the film is beautifully made. I was very impressed by it. And for those of you who are tired of sad movies, it has a happy ending.

If you are fortunate enough to be in the Washington, D.C. area, a visit to Arlington National Cemetery is in order, along with a trip to the mall to see the monuments. I never cease to be moved by The Wall.

I do hope you will teach your children the meaning of Memorial Day. I would appreciate it very much.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

MOVIE MOVIE WEEKEND

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Maxwell, I know you said you didn't need a separate salutation anymore, but I don't think I'm ready to stop. I like singling you out for a little extra lovin'. But it's mom or grandma type love.

Now, dear ones, I have two new-to-DVD movies for you to consider watching this weekend.

I give the first a very high recommendation. It's Albert Nobbs, starring Glenn Close as the titular character -- a woman pretending to be a man so she can work as a butler in the best hotel in 19-century Dublin.

Close's performance is first rate. While I still believe Meryl Streep deserved the Best Actress Academy Award for The Iron Lady, Close's performance is mighty close to being as good as Streep's, who played Margaret Thatcher.

I warn you, however: Get out the Puffs or Kleenex for the end of Albert Nobbs. This film is very well made and quite moving.

I'm not sure what I think about Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, on the other hand. Nine-year-old Oskar, a precocious and eccentric boy, finds a key among his father's things. His dad (Tom Hanks) was killed in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Oskar searches for the lock to which the key belongs. It's a bit of a picaresque tale with odd Oskar traveling around New York City and meeting all sorts of people on the road to truth and acceptance.

I won't tell you if Oskar finds the lock and the owner of the key, but I will tell you that his mother (Sandra Bullock) is keeping an eye on him throughout his wanderings. Oskar may be a bit strange, but his mother loves him unconditionally, as a mother should.

I'm not really recommending this movie. I think you might want to read more about it, perhaps on IMDB, and make your own decision. Oskar's hypersensitivity made my hypersensitivity rear its head. If you think you can watch without feeling bugged by this little bugger, then you may like the movie.

But Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is also quite sad.

Of course, these somber movies might put you in an appropriate mood for Memorial Day on Monday. I'll be back then with a brief message but not a What? Monday. Regular posts will resume on Tuesday. As far as I know.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

WHAT? MONDAY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I'm starting to wonder if Maxwell still needs his own separate salutation. He didn't want to be included in the gentle readers group.

But Maxwell hasn't posted much since he moved in with Girlfriend. I think our misanthrope is so happy that he may not be a misanthrope anymore. But I'll keep Maxwell in his own special spot until I receive the word from him that he can be a gentle reader.

Now, here we go with this week's What? Monday question: What is your favorite romantic or sexy movie? 


And by sexy, I do not mean Debbie Does Dallas. I mean something like my answer, which is A Walk On The Moon from 1999, and set in 1969.

Pearl (Diane Lane) is a bored housewife with two children and a live-in mother-in-law, spending the summer the same way they spend every summer -- at a campground where everyone is Jewish.

Then Pearl meets Walker Jerome (Viggo Mortensen). They go to Woodstock. They make love under a waterfall, causing my heart to flutter dangerously.

Walker wants Pearl to go with him when he moves on. Will she go or stay with her husband (Liev Schreiber)?

I won't tell you the answer, but By God, I would go with Walker Jerome. Viggo Mortensen is hotter than a firecracker in this movie.

IMDB says that Diane Lane gave up part of her salary so the production could afford to hire Mortensen. I would give up every penny I have to get Viggo.

Oi!







And then there's Don Juan DeMarco, starring my beloved Johnny Depp.

Don Juan: By seeing beyond what is visible to the eye. Now there are those, of course, who do not share my perceptions, it's true. When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the-the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are... glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect, because, I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me the way that they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire, to release that beauty and envelope me in it. So, to answer your question, I see as clear as day that this great edifice in which we find ourselves is your villa. It is your home. And as for you, Don Octavio DeFlores, you are a great lover like myself, even though you may have lost your way and your accent. Shall I continue? 


Every woman needs such a man in her life -- a man who will make her feel so beautiful that she is beautiful. 


And now it's your turn: What is your favorite romantic or sexy movie?




Infinities of love,


Lola


P.S. I thought I was done with the computer for the night, so I unplugged it and put it on its shelf so it could sleep. I made a protein shake, turned on a documentary about John Mellencamp, turned off the light, and sat down to drink and watch. Suddenly in the dim light from the TV I saw something quite large strolling across my nightgown. I screamed, spilled my protein shake, and turned on the light. There was a palmetto bug on the rug at my feet. I smacked him unto death with my blue slipper. Scout helped me clean up the protein shake, but I am very upset. All I can think is, I wanna go home. But my home is gone. And if I can't have my home, then I want someone to take care of who will also take care of me. But there is no such person. I don't like gigantic flying cockroaches. I feel sad and lonely now. Why can't you love me? You would be happier, and so would I.

ALL BY MY SELFS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

On Saturday we went to a mall by ourselves for the first time in almost three years. Favorite Young Man has taken me to a couple of malls, but we dash into Sears to buy a vacuum or dash into Penney's for some blinds.

We actually walked through a lot of this mall to reach Lola's destination. The mall was horrible. Noisy. Crowded. Confusing.

Of course, we shouldn't have gone the day before Mother's Day, but the whole experience reminded us why we don't like malls and other public  places.

We went because I needed vacuum cleaner bags from Sears and Lola wanted to go to Victoria's Secret. She got a black bra with leopard trim and a pair of black and white panties with lace around the top. She looks good in them.

This is not a photo of Lola. She's prettier than this.

How do you feel about visiting a mall? Is it something you do regularly with no problem, or does it make you want to scream and cry (like us)?

Our GPS has been giving us fits lately. It got us to the mall, but the last four times before that when we used it, it took us to crazy places. It's convinced that our dentist flips burgers at a Hardee's that isn't even in the same part of town as his office.

We went in the Hardee's and looked for him. He definitely wasn't there, so we called his office. Someone tried to tell us how to get there, but we were so far away we missed our appointment. His office has a rule that if you miss two appointments he won't see you anymore. Even if you call and say, I'm sick, which I did the last time I had an appointment. So we're at two missed appointments. They're cutting us a little slack because our GPS is a lying fucker. It has a woman's voice, but I'm pretty sure it's a man.

We're now on what's called the cancellations list. If they have a cancellation, they'll call and offer us the appointment time. I don't know if this dentist is so fabulous that it's worthwhile to put up with his rules.

Do your doctors or dentists have rules like these?

Life all by ourselves is kinda difficult sometimes. We really don't have anyone to consult about our problems. The Chubby Chatterbox, who is very, very funny, so funny he makes us laugh occasionally, is trying to convince us to have a colonoscopy. We have seen someone go through the prep for a colonoscopy. She was having diarrhea while trying to vomit into the bathtub. We don't want to poop and puke at the same time with no one to give us a little moral support.

Someone also has to drive you home afterwards. We don't have anyone to drive us home.

Good thing we have no family history of cancer. That's one point for our side.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug






S

MOVIE MOVIE WEEKEND

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Before I tell you about my current DVD watching, I want to remind you that you can email questions to me that I'll answer on Fridays. Or, more interesting, Lola will answer. Additionally, if anyone ever wants to write another What is Love? What is Intimacy? guest post, then please feel free to do so. I ran out of the guest posts, but I'd be happy to take up the series again. I thought your answers were fascinating.

Now, the first movie is W.E. When I saw it had been directed by Madonna, I thought, Ugh. She was married to a director so now she thinks she's a director.

My ugh was wrong. I loved W.E. This historical biopic is called W.E. because that's how Wallis Simpson and Edward the VIII referred to themselves. The story of Wallis and Edward intertwines with characters living in New York during the 1990s.

Wally Winthrop is fascinated by the great romance between Wallis and David (Edward) and haunts the auction of their belongings. As she examines the things accumulated over many years of marriage, the film switches to vignettes in the life of Wallis. Wally becomes disenchanted with her V.I.P. doctor husband, falls in love with a Russian security guard at the auction exhibit, and gradually learns that perhaps Wallis did not have the perfect life.

This photo is of the real Wallis and David following their marriage.

Wallis was from Baltimore, and was not exactly a great beauty.

I have two words for this movie, however, and neither one is ugh. My words are lush and stylish. This film is beautifully made and recreates the scandalous Wallis and David period with accuracy, for the most part. The score is also gorgeous.

I must say, though, that you youngsters who didn't like Midnight in Paris probably won't like W.E. unless you're interested in the unusual historical event of the abdication of an English king and what it was like for the woman he couldn't live without, or you absolutely adore everything Madonna does.

I'm not a big Madonna fan, but I hope she directs more movies as good as W.E.

As I write this, I'm watching the new to DVD remake of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I've never liked spy movies, and so far, this one is no exception, in spite of Colin Firth's brief presence. Even if I got to see more of Colin, I don't think I could be interested in this movie. If Colin were naked, it might up my interest level, but thus far, he's fully clothed.

I could cobble together an explanation of the plot of this movie, but it would be stupidly written. I simply can't feel interested in it.

But, I don't like to give up on a movie. It's kind of like executing the film. It can't redeem itself if I turn it off after 20 or 30 minutes. Since I have the patience that comes with age, I'll finish the darn movie. If my opinion changes for the better (which would mean I saw Colin naked), I'll let you know.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Colin as he looked when I first fell in love with him. It was the mini-series of Pride and Prejudice, in which he created the definitive portrayal of Mr. Darcy.

Johnny and Ryan, I love you, but you must make room on the pedestal for Colin.

OUR FAVORITE VACATION MOMENT

Gentle Readers .  . .  and Maxwell,

Favorite Young Man and I were out running errands Sunday afternoon. After our first stop, we got in the car and I locked the doors, as I always do.

But it reminded Favorite Young Man of our favorite vacation moment and he asked me, Did you see a bear?

When FYM was about 10 and The Hurricane was 3, Dr. X attended a conference at the Disneyland Hotel in California. We tagged along and had a great time. He conferenced during the day, and we rode the rides.

Then Dr. X had more business in a different part of the state, so we went along to see the giant sequoia trees. They were amazing! This one is the oldest. It's called The General Sherman. ( I hope the photo is here when you see this. It disappeared earlier, and it may do so again, just to drive me crazy. Everyone is out to get me.)

After our visit to the sequoias, we got in the car to return to the Disneyland Hotel for our last night in California. Suddenly Dr. X shouted, LOCK THE DOORS! IT'S A BEAR!

And there in the bushes by the road was a little tiny black bear, staring at the crazy tourists with amazement in his eyes.

That bear was so darn cute, but he had Dr. X in a terrified frenzy.

The next Christmas I found a very funny sweatshirt for Dr. X. It pictured cartoon bears approaching a man and woman in a car. The man says, They have coat hangers, Martha!

So that's why FYM and I laughed about locking the car doors to keep the bears out. We agreed it was our favorite vacation moment.

How about you? Do you have a favorite vacation memory?

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

QUESTIONS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Am I back in your blog rolls yet? If I'm not, does anyone know what I need to do to get there?

And how do I get my ads back?

And how do I get a man to be my soul mate?

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

HEY-LA! HEY-LA! MY LOLA'S BACK! WHAT? MONDAY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's me! Lola! Janie brought me back from the dead. I have great news to share with you, but first I want to play a song.


I was thinking that instead of my boyfriend's back, that maybe you could all sing along and change the lyrics to My Lola's back and there's gonna be trouble. Cuz you all know I looooove getting into trouble.

So here's the good news. Janie was having some trouble with her blog and she was emailing her pal dirtycowgirl. So I needed to say hi and how are ya cuz it's been a while, and dirtycowgirl helped us so much that I was all like If I was a lesbian, I would totally ask you to marry me. And dirtycowgirl was like, If I was a lesbian, I would say yes. We're not lesbians, but it's the most wanted I've felt in a long time.

Anyhoo, this little piece of news leads us to the What? Monday question: Ladies, if you were a lesbian or if you are a lesbian, then who is your dream girlfriend? and Gentlemen, if you were gay or you are gay, then who is your ideal more than a bromance guy?

I think you already know my answer (Hi dirtycowgirl -- tee hee). Janie wants Halle Berry. Or Debby Reynolds. She would want Angelina if she didn't have so darn many kids.

Now how about you? For whom do you pine?

Infinities of love,

Lola

HARPER

Gentle Readers . . .  and Maxwell,

I am back. My blog is still called Janie Junebug's Journal, but Lola will start writing it again. The garbage men wouldn't take her, so I patched her holes and filled her with a bicycle pump. She's quite angry with me. It may take her a while to get up to speed and really start writing again.

And I know it may take a while for you to get up to speed and start reading us again. I've missed so many of you.

I entitled this post "Harper" because during the past week I have seen him trip twice while coming up the few steps to the deck.

I fear we have reached a bend in the road and have begun the gradual but inexorable slide into old age. I am so much more aware of what it is like after my experiences with Faulkner. I dread it, and I vow to savor every moment with Harp. He has begun to be so much more loving. The dog who has always been so skittish now leans against my knee and asks me to pet him.

I have reached a new path, also. I am not sure where it will take me. We'll learn together.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug for now, but soon -- Lola

P.S. You may still ask questions for Lola to answer on Fridays. Any questions at all. She'll start answering next week.