Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
A gigantic palmetto bug is on the loose in my house.
I hate these bastards. They're ugly. They skitter around where they shouldn't be.
I'm terrified one will crawl on me when I'm sleeping and run into my mouth or my nose or lodge inside my ear and plant itself inside my brain . . . no, that's a worm in the brain for Robert Kennedy, Jr., who doesn't want your children to be vaccinated so they can enjoy the pleasure of childhood diseases.
But, ah, I digress.
I've spotted this particular bastard five times.
Sighting #1. Middle of night Tuesday–– I couldn't sleep and went to the kitchen for a drink of water. Turned on the lights. I screeched when the bastard darted across the kitchen counter. Tried to hit him with the fly swatter. He dropped to the floor and disappeared.
Sighting #2. Wednesday evening–– I was watching TV and he galloped up the wall behind the TV. I screeched and sprinted for the swatter and bug powder.* He ran to the underside of the doorway and threatened to descend on my head. I evaded him with a zigzag pattern. Then he flew to the floor and disappeared.
Sighting #3. Later Wednesday evening–– I got up to head for the bathroom and there he was, making a run across the dining room, headed for the hall. I screeched, but approached with swatter and powder in hand. He scurried up the hall door. I blasted him with powder once, twice. Tried to stomp on him when he plunged to the floor. He ran in the linen closet and disappeared. I hoped the next time I saw him I would be disposing of his grotesque corpse.
Sighting #4. Thursday evening–– The bastard is still very much alive. I can't remember where he was. Screeched. Tried to powder and swat him. He got away.
Sighting #5. Last night (Friday evening)–– Opened the dishwasher and there he was on the edge of the door. Ran for the powder and swatter. He was gone when I returned.
I give up. I'm inviting him for Christmas dinner. I'm sure he'll bring his friends, the sonovabitches, along with the entire Bastard Family. I'll move out on Boxing Day. The house belongs to them.
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
*
This chalky stuff does not kill bugs on contact, but a large dose of it tends to slow them down.
I also sprinkle diatomaceous earth in the back of cabinets and behind appliances.
At one time I had a big jug of Orkin bug spray. I could shoot that stuff on palmetto bugs until they were in a puddle of it. It didn't slow them down a bit.
They are much stronger (and faster) than we are.
ReplyDeleteThis one is trying to kill me and with his strength and speed, he may well succeed.
DeleteI hate palmetto bugs. We don't have them here, but I recall seeing them in FL when I went with my grandmother down years ago. Those bastards are huge. If he does come to dinner make sure he wears a bib.
ReplyDeleteYou've given me an idea: Here, let me tie this bib on for you. Then I pull it tighter and tighter. Bye bye bastard.
DeleteDoesn’t the jerk know palmetto bugs prefer the outdoors? That would make me nuts. When you step on it, make sure to slam your foot down or the bastard will simply pick you up and toss you over.
ReplyDeleteWhen I can use my foot on them, I have to stomp as hard as I can or they get up and run away. I hate it, though, when they stick to my shoe.
DeleteI hope you get it soon Janie. Many, many years ago I lived in Bahrain and we had cockroaches in the house. I found a very old tin of paint - in those days paint came in metal pots - and this one had a convex base, it was ideal for dropping onto them!
ReplyDeleteThat was a good way to dispose of them. I'd be a little afraid of dropping something heavy on them because I might damage my wood floors.
DeleteI cannot stand these things.
ReplyDeleteThe feeling is mutual.
Delete64 years ago, new husband and I moved to southern Georgia while he was in the military. One night as we lay roasting in the dark of our little cottage bedroom with an open window above us to catch a non-existent breeze, something fell from the window upon my arm and skittered away. I let out a scream to wake the dead and he bounded up and reached for his side arm. By then it was gone. My genteel landlady told me the next day. "Honey, that was jus' a little ole palmetto bug". NO, dear lady, it was a COCKROACH! Scuse me, dear Janie Junebug, but palmetto bug is just a name you lovely southern ladies use so no one knows you have roaches in your house. And you all are fooling no one. That's o.k. - we northern folks know that in spite of best intentions, sometimes those rascals just find a way in. They do up here in the north also. We just call them roaches.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahaha! I'm not really a southern lady! I'm a transplant from places without palmetto bugs. I use the term to differentiate the gigantic, flying American cockroach from the smaller German cockroach. Thanks for visiting, Ana. I understand why you screamed. One landed on my hand once and I thought I'd die.
DeleteI've had to deal with a couple of mice recently, so I understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI didn't comment on that blog post of yours, Inger, but I saw it. I think rodents are even worse than bugs. My collie, Faulkner, used to swallow mice whole.
DeleteBack in the '80s I remember spraying a roach with a can of RAID and that sucker died right away. I imagine whatever was in that spray is illegal now, and rightly so.
ReplyDeleteIf it were legal and available, I'd buy it.
Deletemaybe there is more than one - I hope not but...
ReplyDeleteI've had times when I've hunted as many as 3 at the same time. I'm pretty sure this guy is the same one. I sure hope it's the same one!
DeleteThey really creep me out! I saw one on a visit to Florida when I was a kid and I still remember how huge and creepy it was. It should be paying rent!! Awk!!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to collect rent from them, but they don't hold still long enough! Of course, if they did hold still, I'd kill them before I gave them the bill.
Delete