YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH JANIE JUNEBUG

You don't tug on Joshua's cape, you don't split up Melynda and Elisa, you don't refuse Cinderita's hug, and you don't mess with Janie Junebug.

That's right, friends. Don't mess with me because I am a woman on a mission.

As of 9 p.m. EDT Monday, here are my weight loss poll results. You were supposed to guess how much weight I've lost including the 15 pounds I shed a few months ago. Four optimists said I've lost 27 pounds altogether. Three people said I remain at 15 pounds lost.  Two wishful thinkers said I've lost 69 pounds, and one crummy curmudgeon said I've gained ten.

So what's the story, morning glory? Here's the word, hummingbird. I remain at 15 pounds lost. Sometimes I lose a few more and gain them back. Sometimes I gain a few and lose them again. I'm just grateful that I didn't gain weight when I had a guest during the first part of December and ate more than usual. I also didn't gain over the holidays.

But 15 pounds ain't gonna do it. I need to lose 75 more to get back to my fightin' weight.

So here's the plan, and it's already underway. I have placed myself in Drill Sergeant Melynda's gentle hands (find Melynda at http://melyndarockinthecrazy.blogspot.com/).

Melynda lost 100 pounds using Herbalife, and she's got me in cahoots with her now. I'm going to try Herbalife and Melynda is my counselor. My package of Herbalife products has arrived and Melynda will teach me how to use them. They include sensible items such as vitamins and a vanilla protein shake mix.

I was surprised when Melynda said you can make different recipes using the shakes. My day brightened considerably when she suggested adding a little peanut butter and Hershey's syrup to a vanilla shake. Sounds good. In addition to using the Herbalife products, I will also eat regular food; so no more Nutrisystem food that tastes like cardboard. I'm grateful to Nutrisystem for getting me started on portion control, but I cannot eat any more of that . . . stuff.

However, I don't want to tell you too much about the Herbalife products yet because Melynda and I need to talk about them so she can give me specific instructions.

As ordered by Melynda, here's what I'm already doing:

1. Melynda said protein is my friend. I had already cut back on carbs and I'm cutting back even more. I'm eating salmon and veggies for supper three - four times per week. Chicken and veggies works, too.
2. Melynda said her clients are required to get out of the house and do something for at least 30 minutes each day. I didn't know what to think about this requirement. If I don't HAVE to go someplace, I can happily spend the day in my jammies reading blogs and watching movies and reading books. If you've noticed that I'm not getting to your blogs as frequently as I used to, please blame Melynda.

The first day I had to get out of the house, I did something pretty darn shocking. I went to the credit union (not the shocking part), and then I had my car washed at a car wash (shocking part). I've led what you might call the sheltered life of a princess when it comes to certain areas, and one of them is taking care of my car. I know how to pump gas, but I, a 52-year-old woman, decided to take off my granny panties in favor of big girl panties and learn how to go to the car wash.

And guess what? It was no big deal. I was so scared, but the only thing that happened is I ended up with a clean car.

Then I decided to do something else even more shocking: yard work.

My mom never allowed me to touch the many flowers and plants she grew outdoors. I wanted to help Dr. X with the yard, but the one time I went out and picked up the weed whipper and asked him to teach me how to use, he said, NO! You won't do it right.

I've been hearing that "you won't do it right" crap my entire life. I was never even allowed to put a strand of tinsel on the damn Christmas tree when I was growing up because my mom said, Guess what?

YOU WON'T DO IT RIGHT!

We are now taking "you won't do it right," and we're throwing it in the trash, just like the bwoo jacket with the cockroach crap on it.

I won't know what I can do unless I try, and I have given myself permission to try, and to even fail, but then try again. I started by cleaning up about 20 percent of the leaves in my yard. Still plenty more to do, and they haven't finished falling off the tree yet.

Over the weekend, I took a gigantic step (still wearing my big girl panties). My son helped me pick out a lightweight weed whipper. My yard is so small, that if I keep after it, I think I can keep it under control with the weed whipper and not pay a yard service anymore. I'm also using hedge  clippers for the first time in my life and have trimmed back my rosebush and will next use them on the vines that grow over onto the inside of the fence.

And just think about what all this raking and weed whipping and clipping is doing for me: It's exercise! I'm usually not outside for 30 minutes per day. I'm outside for about two hours almost every afternoon. One day last week I worked outside for three hours. The dogs run in and out happily as I work.

Look at what Melynda has already done for me by insisting I eat more protein and get out of the house: I'm eating more salmon, one of the healthiest foods on the planet, and I'm doing my own yard work, which makes me feel stronger, and although I had to buy a weed whipper, it cost the same as four visits from the yard service.

Now, who remembers that I told you to be excited today? And who remembers I told you to be excited because Wednesday is Fishducky Day? Yes, our favorite Fishducky will be guest posting tomorrow. Whoo-hoo!

Then on Thursday and Friday we're going to talk more about loss, but I mean the kinds of loss that cause us stress and help us get depressed. Part of this journey is that I'm going to take all the crap in my life and put it on the table, take a look at it and see where it got me, and then we're going to throw it out with the bwoo jacket and cockroach cwap.

And then I'll take that great big bright neon VICTIM sign off my forehead and throw it out, too.

And after that, we'll have to figure out how to move ahead.

Melynda assures me that Herbalife and getting my weight under control will help ease my depression. Everything is interconnected.

It's been a while since I weighed myself, so I'll go to Publix soon and step on the scale in the produce department (I am broccoli, if you must know). I'll make sure we still have 75 pounds to go and I'll report back.

Now let's get on the road.

And don't mess with Janie Junebug.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug