Thursday, March 14, 2013

ELVIS AARON SCHWARZ & THE GREAT GIRL SCOUT COOKIE CAPER

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I've noticed that a few of you have mentioned on your blogs that it's Girl Scout cookie time where you live. Well, a few days ago, Elvis Aaron Schwarz and I walked past the grocery store and saw a nice mom out selling cookies with some cute little Girl Scouts.



And when it's Girl Scout cookie time, I always have a serious Thin Mint jones goin' on.


I can eat an entire box of Thin Mints in less time than it takes to write a silly blog post, and writing silly blog posts does not take very darn long for Reporter Junebug, who used to whip out a newspaper article faster than the speed of sound.

I freeze my Thin Mints. Then I hold the entire box in my left hand, while my right hand grabs one frozen cookie at a time and stuffs said cookie in my mouth, rapidly chewing, followed quickly by a swig of milk. Skim.

Thin Mints are my crack and my smack and my everything, and they are not good for me. I knew I had to break the chain, end the addiction, go cold turkey in spite of the suffering I would endure.

I needed my man to save me from those little bitches Girl Scouts.

Honey Bunny, I begged, you have to help me. I'm a Thin Mint addict. Keep me away from those damn fricking little Girl Scouts. DO NOT LET ME BUY THIN MINTS.

Elvis Aaron Schwarz, my savior, my manly man, put his arm around me and said, Don't you worry, baby doll. I got you.

A grocery store employee was coming toward us with a long line of carts that needed to go back in the store. Elvis started a zig-zag maneuver. He was going to take me past the table and around the carts. We would go where we needed to go and I would be safe from the smack. I mean, uh, cookies.

But at the last second, just when I thought I was safe, just when I was steps away from escaping cookie crack, that bald bastard my honey bunny swung me around and toward the table and he said to those cute little fricking  Girl Scouts, Excuse me, do you have any Thin Mints?

I could. Not. Believe. It.

My honey bunny betrayed me.

Did they have Thin Mints? Why, sure they did.

We'll take two boxes, Elvis told them sweetly.

Then the man actually turned to me and said, You'll have to pay for them. I don't have any cash.


I paid for the crack, put the boxes in my messenger bag, and told him for the rest of the day that I was keeping both boxes.

Don't to that to me, baby doll, he begged.

I paid for 'em. They're mine, I threatened with a leer. You'll have to work for your cookies.

So before he went home, I let him have his box because he deserved a little reward for services rendered.

Now I have a box of Thin Mints in my freezer. I'm proud to say I have eaten only four cookies. I did not devour the entire box. I don't want to look like this when I go out with Elvis Aaron Schwarz:


I want to look exactly the way I did when we bought the cookie crack. In fact, someone snapped a photo of us that day, and I just found it online:

Hi! Remember me?
I'm Elvis Aaron Schwarz.
Isn't my baby doll the most beautiful woman you've ever seen?
I love her more than Thin Mints.

Oh, Elvis Aaron Schwarz. I think I might love you more than Thin Mints, too.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug




25 comments:

  1. Hi Janie .. I completely agree and it sounds like you copied my trawl through the store .. Thin Mints and the freezer - an excellent combination .. before I get stuck in - I need more coffee!! Enjoy them or try and save them for Easter?

    Cheers Hilary

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    1. To my surprise, I haven't had any desire to eat more of them. They might even last past Easter, Hilary.

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  2. Now that's a terrific picture! And those little Girl Scouts are persistent little things- can't say as I blame him for cracking.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. EAS is always on the lookout for a good way to tease me. I never should have told him to keep me away from the cookies. If I hadn't said anything, we would have sailed past the little girls.

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  3. Cheap skate. Even with Judy, I would never walk to to a table, order something and tell her to pay for it. If I didn't have the cash or debit card, I would not even make the effort. Of course she would do it because the money is OUR money, but the idea turns me off.

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    Replies
    1. Now, now, Coffey. I appreciate your protectiveness, but it was all part of the joke, and EAS knew I would get a blog post out of it.

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  4. To celebrate St. Patrick's Day you should make this! Crack Cake!
    http://www.momtastic.com/cooking-recipes/dessert/172143-lucky-mint-icebox-cake-for-st-patricks-day
    It's super easy and if we had Girl Scout cookies, I'd make it!
    I thought of you yesterday when I saw an old school friend on facebook in a photo with Johnny Depp! She works in Hollywood and got to work with him...I love Branden but OH MY GOSH! I may have felt a tiny bit jealous...

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    1. You went to school with someone who worked with Johnny Depp? That means I know someone (blogospherically) who knows someone who knows Johnny Depp. I'm trembling.

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    2. That gives you only 3 degrees of separation! (or is it 2? I don't know if he counts as a degree or not!) ;)

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    3. I'm not sure. I have difficulty with counting degrees of separation.

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  5. I love the thin mints too!

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  6. I was a girl scout until it was uncool. I agree, thin mints are the best. Who is it that you resemble in that photo?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Uh, I don't know who I looked like that day. I was sporting a unique look for me.

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  7. I'm a Thin Mint addict, too! Fortunately, the girl scouts didn't find us this year, and my daughter is no longer one of them!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Wow! You managed to hide from the girl scouts. Did you have to go into some kind of FBI program to do that?

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  8. too cute!! I have to say I'm not fond of Girl Scout cookies (GASP) so I just buy a few boxes for the troops and then silently hope the selling season goes by fast :)

    betty

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    1. Although I adore Thin Mints, it bothers me that a box costs $4, the box doesn't really have all that many cookies in it (but that's better for me), and apparently the troop doesn't get all that much money from what they sell. Most of the money goes to the national organization.

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  9. I know this is going to be blasphemy, but I don't like Girl Scout cookies! Not even Thin Mints.

    Okay, phew, that confession is over. Now, I will say I love the your sweet honey took care of things by making sure you got one box of your favorite things. He saved you by not letting you get ten boxes! Enjoy :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Leave it to you to put the most positive spin on the purchase, although, actually, I didn't have enough money for 10 boxes. I guess I could have written a check though . . . .

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  10. HA! We're Samoas addicts, but even though we saw Girl Scouts selling their cookies last weekend, we didn't buy a single box. Not one. (They were out of Samoas...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't it great when bravery is made easier?

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  11. We may not have those particular cookies here in Aus but we do have different types of thin mints and I can tell you I love my thin mints.......

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  12. That bald bunny of yours knows a box of Thin Mints when he sees on, is all. But did you say Elvis... Aaron... Pr... um Schwarz? Let me guess... he's a Presley fan, too?

    Have a great weekend, Janie... cookies and all :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's never said that he's a Presley fan. Maybe his mama was. And thank you for your kind wishes. It's a beautiful weekend in Florida.

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