ELVIS AARON SCHWARZ & THE GREAT GIRL SCOUT COOKIE CAPER

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I've noticed that a few of you have mentioned on your blogs that it's Girl Scout cookie time where you live. Well, a few days ago, Elvis Aaron Schwarz and I walked past the grocery store and saw a nice mom out selling cookies with some cute little Girl Scouts.

And when it's Girl Scout cookie time, I always have a serious Thin Mint jones goin' on.

I can eat an entire box of Thin Mints in less time than it takes to write a silly blog post, and writing silly blog posts does not take very darn long for Reporter Junebug, who used to whip out a newspaper article faster than the speed of sound.

I freeze my Thin Mints. Then I hold the entire box in my left hand, while my right hand grabs one frozen cookie at a time and stuffs said cookie in my mouth, rapidly chewing, followed quickly by a swig of milk. Skim.

Thin Mints are my crack and my smack and my everything, and they are not good for me. I knew I had to break the chain, end the addiction, go cold turkey in spite of the suffering I would endure.

I needed my man to save me from those little bitches Girl Scouts.

Honey Bunny, I begged, you have to help me. I'm a Thin Mint addict. Keep me away from those damn fricking little Girl Scouts. DO NOT LET ME BUY THIN MINTS.

Elvis Aaron Schwarz, my savior, my manly man, put his arm around me and said, Don't you worry, baby doll. I got you.

A grocery store employee was coming toward us with a long line of carts that needed to go back in the store. Elvis started a zig-zag maneuver. He was going to take me past the table and around the carts. We would go where we needed to go and I would be safe from the smack. I mean, uh, cookies.

But at the last second, just when I thought I was safe, just when I was steps away from escaping cookie crack, that bald bastard my honey bunny swung me around and toward the table and he said to those cute little fricking  Girl Scouts, Excuse me, do you have any Thin Mints?

I could. Not. Believe. It.

My honey bunny betrayed me.

Did they have Thin Mints? Why, sure they did.

We'll take two boxes, Elvis told them sweetly.

Then the man actually turned to me and said, You'll have to pay for them. I don't have any cash.

I paid for the crack, put the boxes in my messenger bag, and told him for the rest of the day that I was keeping both boxes.

Don't to that to me, baby doll, he begged.

I paid for 'em. They're mine, I threatened with a leer. You'll have to work for your cookies.

So before he went home, I let him have his box because he deserved a little reward for services rendered.

Now I have a box of Thin Mints in my freezer. I'm proud to say I have eaten only four cookies. I did not devour the entire box. I don't want to look like this when I go out with Elvis Aaron Schwarz:

I want to look exactly the way I did when we bought the cookie crack. In fact, someone snapped a photo of us that day, and I just found it online:

Hi! Remember me?
I'm Elvis Aaron Schwarz.
Isn't my baby doll the most beautiful woman you've ever seen?
I love her more than Thin Mints.

Oh, Elvis Aaron Schwarz. I think I might love you more than Thin Mints, too.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug