There's that special smile we share with someone we love. I might be watching a movie and something funny happens. I look at a loved one. The loved one looks at me. We smile at each other.
I don't get to enjoy that moment very often now that the dogs and I are alone. They smile at me, but somehow it's not quite the same.
That special smile is on my mind today because I've been thinking about my mom. No special reason. She's just on my mind, and in it.
My mom could be kind of difficult at times. Lord knows she was a generous person and a great cook. She kept us well fed. We always had clean clothes. We didn't lack for much.
And the difficult part? Well, she could be pretty darn grumpy. Downright angry. Even cruel.
I always got the feeling she couldn't stand for a person to feel good about herself.
As I've gotten older, though, I've recalled aspects of Mother's personality that I didn't understand when I was young and selfish. I think she was depressed. Having six children would be enough to make anyone miserable. I'm sure she loved babies, but maybe wasn't so crazy about kids when they became old enough to talk back.
One symptom of depression is anger, so maybe some of her anger grew hand in hand with her depression.
I also think Mother had a learning disability. She had trouble with left and right, and said herself that she didn't know how to multiply. I've met a number of people who have to stop to think about left versus right, but going all the way through school and not being able to multiply? That sounds like the challenged kids we have these days, who can play any video game in the world, but don't know how to read.
If Mother had a learning disability, it probably contributed to her possible depression.
In spite of the hard times and the anger that often flared between us, Mother and I were still able to share that special smile. Today I've been thinking about my sister's wedding. I was seated at one table, and Mother was seated at another a little bit behind me.
After my sister walked into the room and took her place next to the groom, the ceremony began. My sister looked so beautiful. Everything was lovely. Such a happy day.
I turned a little and caught Mother's eye and smiled at her. She smiled back.
It was that special smile.
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
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| When I got married, Mother gave me the piano on which I learned to play. I treasure it, and I play almost everyday. She also gave me the miniature china piano on the piano. My lowest A is out of tune; it's driving me insane. |
Beautiful and sad memories. Six kids. One less that my mother's number.
ReplyDeleteThe piano was a good gift, something that can benefit the whole family.
The smile. What did it signify?
The smile signified the connection between two people who love each other and are enjoying a special moment together.
DeleteThe advice my mother gave me was on how to be queen.
ReplyDeleteAnd good advice it was, as you are the epitome of queendom.
DeleteIt's funny how the older we get the broader view we can have. That's a very good thing. Glad you had those special moments with your mom--and the piano gifts! :)
ReplyDeleteSome people become more narrow minded as they age. I was determined from the time I was a teenager that I would become more open with age.
DeleteI love that "special smile". If you can share it with your husband or wife, it's even sweeter!!
ReplyDeleteIt's sweeter to me now when I share it with Favorite Young Man or The Hurricane.
DeleteThe lowest A is out of tune. In the china piano or the Piano on which you learned to play? Great post.
ReplyDeleteI wish it were out of tune on the China piano. I need the low A on the big piano for my Padarewski piece.
DeleteJudy and I have that special smile for each other as we are burying the body of the neighbor who pissed us off. Anger is a symptom of depression...I know(just ask the neighbor.) And having PTSD, before anyone knew what it was, and being told, 'You are so smart, but just so lazy' adds fuel to the depression. I didn't feel smart. I just couldn't get the good grades like my classmates were getting. So you get mad!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you and Judy have that smile, especially when you can be glad together that the neighbor died. Did you bury the neighbor yourselves or merely attend the funeral?
DeleteAnd I know you're not lazy and never have been.
Damn! I have been doing too much work with the military types. I didn't mean PTSD, I meant ADHD! See what I mean?
ReplyDeleteJane this was lovely! No worries I'm done being a boob today. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're not a boob and never have been. I just wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything better for you.
DeleteI miss my mom and how she'd always cuddle 'her babies', no matter what age we happen to be! Of course I like cuddling with Branden but I do miss the days of flopping on the couch next to mom, laying my head in her lap, and having her comb my hair with her fingers. It wasn't always picturesque like this with my mom as she suffers from depression and has been on medication since I was a young teen. I'm proud that she has gone with the medication because she did what was best for her and the rest of us. It still didn't mean there weren't ups and downs but I knew she fought because she loved us so much.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminding me of the special moments with my mom :)
The older I get, the more I miss my parents.
DeleteGreat post. You've got me thinking about my Mom. She does drive me crazy, she was a tyrant when she wanted to be and at 87 she still can make me feel awful. Yet she's funny, witty, full of vim and vigor, and raised 5 kids who turned out to be not so bad. I admire her energy, drive and ability to keep the cleanest apartment I've ever seen. I tried to hire her but she doesn't travel!! Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis was beautiful. What a nice way to honor the memory of your mother (finding that special thing you shared). Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Stephanola. I hope you have a great weekend, too.
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