There's that special smile we share with someone we love. I might be watching a movie and something funny happens. I look at a loved one. The loved one looks at me. We smile at each other.
I don't get to enjoy that moment very often now that the dogs and I are alone. They smile at me, but somehow it's not quite the same.
That special smile is on my mind today because I've been thinking about my mom. No special reason. She's just on my mind, and in it.
My mom could be kind of difficult at times. Lord knows she was a generous person and a great cook. She kept us well fed. We always had clean clothes. We didn't lack for much.
And the difficult part? Well, she could be pretty darn grumpy. Downright angry. Even cruel.
I always got the feeling she couldn't stand for a person to feel good about herself.
As I've gotten older, though, I've recalled aspects of Mother's personality that I didn't understand when I was young and selfish. I think she was depressed. Having six children would be enough to make anyone miserable. I'm sure she loved babies, but maybe wasn't so crazy about kids when they became old enough to talk back.
One symptom of depression is anger, so maybe some of her anger grew hand in hand with her depression.
I also think Mother had a learning disability. She had trouble with left and right, and said herself that she didn't know how to multiply. I've met a number of people who have to stop to think about left versus right, but going all the way through school and not being able to multiply? That sounds like the challenged kids we have these days, who can play any video game in the world, but don't know how to read.
If Mother had a learning disability, it probably contributed to her possible depression.
In spite of the hard times and the anger that often flared between us, Mother and I were still able to share that special smile. Today I've been thinking about my sister's wedding. I was seated at one table, and Mother was seated at another a little bit behind me.
After my sister walked into the room and took her place next to the groom, the ceremony began. My sister looked so beautiful. Everything was lovely. Such a happy day.
I turned a little and caught Mother's eye and smiled at her. She smiled back.
It was that special smile.
Infinities of love,
|When I got married, Mother gave me the piano on which I learned to play.|
I treasure it, and I play almost everyday.
She also gave me the miniature china piano on the piano.
My lowest A is out of tune; it's driving me insane.