Wednesday, July 11, 2012

THE GRAMMAR BITCH IS BACK

Out of the knight she rides
Crying whoa on all she derides
It's Its You're Your There Their They're
Use them wrong and you are such a looser
You'd better prey you get it write.


Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I haven't gone on a good grammar rant in quite some time, but I feel quite pissy at the moment; so here we go.


I went to the little bakery and sandwich/salad shop near my house for lunch a few days ago. A sign jumped out at me from in front of the tables where I spent so many happy hours chatting up other patrons especially men who might not be married and were at least reasonably attractive and enjoying a  burger and fries salad with low-fat dressing.

The sign said:

E*** Bakery has closed it's kitchen blah blah blah economy yada yada yada concentrate on bakery blah blah blah we are so stupid we don't know the difference between it's and its and we don't give a fuck that we have ruined 90% of Janie's social life outside the blogosphere.

I read that sign and my jaw dropped to my bodacious ta-tas. The young ladies behind the counter looked at me sympathetically. They understood how important my little lunch forays into the world were. I could have a reasonably priced, healthy meal; socialize; and stay within my microcosm.

First, I felt upset about the destruction of my life. Then, I felt pissed off that the damn sign said "it's." What the frickin' frackin' hell is that?

The owners of the bakery happened to be standing behind the counter with their backs to me as they slobbered over the money in the cash register, so I went into rant mode.

You do realize that sign has an error, don't you? I screamed said very politely.

That sign actually says that E*** Bakery has closed it is kitchen, I screeched, while bloodying an unfortunate bystander's nose mentioned, making sure no other customers were present as I gently pointed out the error.

One of the owners turned and said, Where is there an error? On the Web site?

No, dumb shit. The error is right here on this sign. Why would anyone put up a sign with such a stupid error? Aren't you embarrassed and ashamed?


Of course, the two owners didn't really give a damn and ignored me apologized for upsetting me by closing the kitchen and printing a sign with an error.

So now I'm sad I've lost my hangout -- my only hangout in my microcosm -- except for the dive bar across the street from the bakery, but the error in the sign makes me want to KILL present a pleasant lesson on the difference between it's and its, which I believe I've already accomplished and I'm warning you all not to fuck it up.


I'm also a bit tired of the lack of antecedent and pronoun agreement. For example: A woman has a right to kill their husband.

No! No! No!

A woman has a right to kill her husband.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Your favorite Grammar Bitch is getting two tired to get in to dangling gerunds today.

Yes, we all make misteaks. Sometimes we even make intentional errors because they can be cute and funny. But please try to write right.

And by the way, who is subjective case, and whom is objective case.

Infinities of love,

Lalalalalalola

P.S. I must mention this error because I see it so often: If you have two large candy bars, but one is larger than the other, please don't say that the larger one is the largest. It can't be largest unless you have at least three candy bars of varying sizes. The three would be large, larger, and largest. With two, you have a large candy bar and a larger candy bar. Likewise, if you have two children, then you cannot have a biggest and a smallest nor an oldest and a youngest.

I think I feel a little calmer now that I've gotten all this crap washed off my bodacious ta-tas.

The grammar quiz will be next week.

14 comments:

  1. Good for you for flashing your Grammar Police badge. The world is a better place because of people like us.

    Oh, and "bodacious ta-tas"... love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you love it or love THEM? Oh. I forgot. You haven't seen them so you can't love them, but they're real and they're spectacular.

      Delete
  2. You might really go mad and stay mad if you move here. So be glad that you are over there and not here. I sometimes see some hilarious mistakes and I just smile. Not that I am perfect in my English as it is my second language but yet I see so many.
    www.thoughtsofpaps.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's much easier to excuse errors when English is the person's second language.

      Delete
  3. Two who it may concern: Their were a lot of funny things in you're post today. Its' a good thing I was smart enough too find them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL, bad grammar really annoys me to. Does anyone know where punctuation marks go anymore?
    It's like "Time to eat Grandma"?..."Time to eat, Grandma"...you are not actually going to eat Grandma!
    It's surprising how much this goes on, on the internet. I'm going to have to be more careful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Time to eat Grandma" is pretty darn funny, though -- as long as I'm not Grandma.

      Delete
  5. Spelling and grammar mistakes drive me batty, too. Believe it or not, the improper use of capital letters can make a huge difference in a sentence, too. Consider: "I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse" vs. the alternative meaning WITHOUT the capital letters. Oh, and how funny that we both mentioned "bodacious tatas" on our blogs today. Great minds think alike.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's hilariously filthy. I'm glad I'm not the only naughty girl in town. Oh, and I write about my bodacious ta-tas almost every day because they're my best point, as in when I borrow Madonna's cone bra.

      Delete
  6. My iPhone almost always autocorrects its to it's...of course my phone doesn't write signs either.

    Personally, I think my worst was "Right of Passage" which made it past 7 beta readers and a proofreader before saner heads prevailed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! That's sad. Everybody knows it should be "Write of Passage."

      Delete
  7. That sounds like a rant that goes on in my head all day long as I read signs and other officalness. What gets me also is "alot." I tried to get my students to remember--"a little" and "a lot." Of course, then I had to explain "allot" and why that was correct when distributing items or assigning items to different persons. Also, "I could of" instead of "I could have." Breath, Linda, breathe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all good, Mama. The Grammar Bitch is here to listen and sympathize. I also have a Grammar Princess. I've sent her out into the world to help the hopeless.

      Delete

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