THE GRAMMAR BITCH IS BACK

Out of the knight she rides
Crying whoa on all she derides
It's Its You're Your There Their They're
Use them wrong and you are such a looser
You'd better prey you get it write.


Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I haven't gone on a good grammar rant in quite some time, but I feel quite pissy at the moment; so here we go.

I went to the little bakery and sandwich/salad shop near my house for lunch a few days ago. A sign jumped out at me from in front of the tables where I spent so many happy hours chatting up other patrons especially men who might not be married and were at least reasonably attractive and enjoying a  burger and fries salad with low-fat dressing.

The sign said:

E*** Bakery has closed it's kitchen blah blah blah economy yada yada yada concentrate on bakery blah blah blah we are so stupid we don't know the difference between it's and its and we don't give a fuck that we have ruined 90% of Janie's social life outside the blogosphere.

I read that sign and my jaw dropped to my bodacious ta-tas. The young ladies behind the counter looked at me sympathetically. They understood how important my little lunch forays into the world were. I could have a reasonably priced, healthy meal; socialize; and stay within my microcosm.

First, I felt upset about the destruction of my life. Then, I felt pissed off that the damn sign said "it's." What the frickin' frackin' hell is that?

The owners of the bakery happened to be standing behind the counter with their backs to me as they slobbered over the money in the cash register, so I went into rant mode.

You do realize that sign has an error, don't you? I screamed said very politely.

That sign actually says that E*** Bakery has closed it is kitchen, I screeched, while bloodying an unfortunate bystander's nose mentioned, making sure no other customers were present as I gently pointed out the error.

One of the owners turned and said, Where is there an error? On the Web site?

No, dumb shit. The error is right here on this sign. Why would anyone put up a sign with such a stupid error? Aren't you embarrassed and ashamed?


Of course, the two owners didn't really give a damn and ignored me apologized for upsetting me by closing the kitchen and printing a sign with an error.

So now I'm sad I've lost my hangout -- my only hangout in my microcosm -- except for the dive bar across the street from the bakery, but the error in the sign makes me want to KILL present a pleasant lesson on the difference between it's and its, which I believe I've already accomplished and I'm warning you all not to fuck it up.

I'm also a bit tired of the lack of antecedent and pronoun agreement. For example: A woman has a right to kill their husband.

No! No! No!

A woman has a right to kill her husband.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Your favorite Grammar Bitch is getting two tired to get in to dangling gerunds today.

Yes, we all make misteaks. Sometimes we even make intentional errors because they can be cute and funny. But please try to write right.

And by the way, who is subjective case, and whom is objective case.

Infinities of love,

Lalalalalalola

P.S. I must mention this error because I see it so often: If you have two large candy bars, but one is larger than the other, please don't say that the larger one is the largest. It can't be largest unless you have at least three candy bars of varying sizes. The three would be large, larger, and largest. With two, you have a large candy bar and a larger candy bar. Likewise, if you have two children, then you cannot have a biggest and a smallest nor an oldest and a youngest.

I think I feel a little calmer now that I've gotten all this crap washed off my bodacious ta-tas.

The grammar quiz will be next week.