IF I WORE A BATHING SUIT

Gentle Readers,

If I wore a bathing suit, I fear some good Samaritans would think I'm a whale and try to shove me into the ocean.

Because of course we have lots of oceans here in the Dakotas.

The thing is, though, I am never going to have a bod like that of Sandra at Absolutely Narcissism.

That fucking bitch is fucking hot very nice lady works very hard to maintain a lovely figure.

I used to be skinny, but not so skinny that I had no boobs. I had very nice boobs, according to a number of young men who attended my high school. I was even named Best Body in the school newspaper. I hope schools don't do shit like that anymore. It's really pretty cruel. I remained thin until everything went nuts in my marriage and I took an anti-depressant and gained a ginormous amount of weight, leaving me feeling that I am no longer me.

Off the anti-depressant, I did not lose an ounce. Well, occasionally I could tell I dropped a couple of pounds, but I would also gain them back immediately plus add at least one for good measure.

Then recently I decided to try NutriSystem. They were having a 50% off sale on your first shipment. My health insurance also knocks some money off the price.

The nice thing about NutriSystem is that you don't have to worry about portion control or weighing how much you're eating. The food is all pre-packaged.

The bad thing about NutriSystem is that quite a bit of the food tastes like the cardboard container it comes in, and I never get enough to eat.

Always
always
always

HUNGRY.

At first, I had dreams about cinnamon rolls and other yummy foods. I felt pretty miserable.

Then I realized I could not eat NutriSystem 24/7 or I would go crazy and run to the nearest bakery, buy a large cake (the kind intended for a party where you'll serve 50 people), and eat the entire thing.

So now I take little NutriSystem breaks and have something like one of those little packets of cookies that has 100 calories or a Special K bar, which has 90 calories.

During the first three weeks I lost 11 pounds and that was about three weeks ago. I haven't weighed myself since then. I don't have a scale. But some pants that were too tight last summer now fit just fine.

However, no matter how much NutriSysteming or Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers I do, I am never going to look like Sandra.

But I admire her for her commitment to preparing for a fitness competition. Sandra, you inspire me. I'll try not to give up.

Infinities of love and pounds,

Lola

LET'S PUT ON THE FEED BAG TOGETHER

Gentle Readers,

I've been trying to think of the best way to let William and Harry know that Someone I Love and Favorite Young Man are their new-found relatives and I been thinkin' of writing a note, somethin' like this:

Dear Will and Harry,

Good news! You are related to the handsome and talented Favorite Young Man and the beautiful and talented Someone I Love. They are Spencer ginger-heads just like you, Harry.

We'd sure like to get to know you.

So the next time you visit America, or Canada, it don't really matter, why don'tcha take a little side trip and visit the Dakotas? We'll put on a dinner for you after the service at the Lutheran church, complete with tuna hot dish and jello salad in the appropriate color to go with the church year. If you don't get here till Advent, then you'll get blueberries in your jello, but we'll have to use frozen because fresh would cost a fortune if they were even available.

Will, please bring the little woman. We hope she'll be preggers so we can have Aunt Gertie at church rub her belly and tell you if it's a girl or a boy. Aunt Gertie has been wrong only once in 20 years of belly rubbing. Harry, why don't you bring that good looking Pippa? We think it would be great if you two brothers who are such close buddies married sisters and Favorite Young Woman is off the market for you, Harry, now that we know we're related.

We seen the cousins gettin' married thing before and it don't lead to nothin' good, but we won't say a word about how it used to be a common thing with your royal granny's family.

Love,

Someone I Love and Favorite Young Man's Mama

P.S. You all can call me Auntie Lola.

CALL ME SISTER STEVIE

Gentle Readers,

The very nice homeless gentleman who said I look exactly like Stevie Nicks and that I'm gorgeous and all that

(see  CALL ME STEVIE)

would no longer recognize me.

Previously, Stevie and I probably had two things in common: our golden tresses and mid-life weight gain.

We are down to one thing now because I got my hair cut. It (my hair) is in a plastic bag on my dining room table so I can donate it to Locks of Love. If you have at least eight inches of hair you can live without, and I'm not talkin' pubes, please consider getting it whacked like Tony Soprano getting rid of an enema enemy and donate the hair to Locks of Love. Click on the link above to learn how to donate.

But don't be concerned. I am not bald. I had plenty to give away and I have plenty left. Just not Stevie tresses anymore.

So now since I'm entering a convent,

see  CANCELLATION TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS

I prefer to be known as Sister Stevie, or perhaps Sister Sledge.

Sing with me Sister Bloggers: We are family! I've got all my sisters and me!

Infinities of love,

Lola