Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
Today we begin with our guest posts on the subject of bullies. The young lady who starts us off is Rachel, of When A Lion Sleeps Let It Sleep. Rachel has had a very rough time with bullies so I count on all of you to give her the tender loving comments she deserves. I hope you'll also visit her blog and consider following her. I'm very fond of Rachel.
Take it away, Rachel:
Hello! Let me start off by saying that my name is Rachel and I have never done a guest post before. I saw Janie's request on Twitter for guest posts about bullying and I asked to do one without a second thought. There are a lot of things that are important to me, but this is at the top of the list.
I've been bullied most of my life. In grade school, there were mean girls who would tease me because I was too quiet or I was friends with the labeled "bad kid". The "bad kid" was my neighbor. He used to come over to my house to hide when his mother got loud, drunk, and invited different men over for parties in the middle of the afternoon. We hid him so that he wouldn't get any more bruises than he already had and I became his friend. At school, he just needed somebody to pay attention to him so he played harmless pranks and spoke out of turn. Can you blame him though?
In middle school, I was in a new state. I wanted a new start, away from all of the teasing, but that wasn't what I got. In my new school, I was shoved against lockers, pushed down the stairs, had my gym locker broken into multiple times only for the gym teacher to tell me to stop lying about forgetting my uniform at home. Rumors were spread and boys started grabbing at me more and more.
The halls were so crowded that I was only able to catch one boy who did it. I had him pinned up against the wall and all my anger came out in words: "If you EVER touch me or anyone else like that again, I will make sure you end up in prison for molestation and sexual harassment. My mom is friends with half the cops in this town so I can guarantee that will happen. If I don't make you pay myself." Dramatic pause while the color drained from his face. "Don't come near me again." He didn't-–he just had his friends come after me instead. I knew that because I would see him smirking and watching when I was grabbed by some unknown pervert.
"Why didn't you go to the teachers?"
In that school, I only had two people on my side. One was my English teacher and the other was the school guard. The English classroom was the only place where I was safe, because she would hand out detentions like candy on Halloween night if anyone messed with me. She was also the only one who didn't yell at me if I stood up for myself. She was the only person who believed that I wasn't faking the incapacitating stress-stomachaches that put me in the hospital at least once a week. The school guard would escort me to classes when he could, but he could never get too close because the two times he spoke to me, I left with bruises on my side and a sprained ankle from being pushed down the stairs. They both stopped my mom the day that she told them I "moved away" (code for: "dropped out at thirteen") and asked her to wish me luck and to stay hidden until I was legally allowed to leave school.
The PE coach was already mentioned, but she wasn't the worst, despite yelling at me for having my things stolen. (Because, you know, I asked for that to happen?) The reading teacher was a nightmare. Thanks to her, the target on my back ended up a flashing neon sign that said, "Sic her!" and pointed to me. She stopped class and walked around the room one day. "Now, I've recently learned that our school counselor has been talking to students, learning their secrets, and telling a certain somebody in this class, who has then been spreading the rumors." She looked at me, faced me, and everyone followed her eyes until I was the center of attention. "I expect you all to stop speaking with the counselor unless you want everyone to know your secrets." It only got worse. I still don't know who the counselor was-–I never met her or him.
Snitch. Bitch. Whore. Loser. Skank. Liar. Dork. Nerd. Geek. Slut. Rat. Idiot. Stupid. Fat. Ugly.
I heard those words and more on the daily basis until that was all I could believe about myself. I only made it half the school year before I left. Now, I'm twenty years old and still trying to graduate, while trying to function as a normal adult. I wanted to kill myself and I got close to it many times. I cried constantly and became an angry, hateful person to the only people who supported me. I used to get into fist fights with my own mom because I was positive that she would turn against me too. I lost the line between being a strong person and being a broken person hiding behind a spiked wall. I'm still trying to find it, seven years later.
I still have nightmares. I'm still insecure. I still have days where I don't want to get out of bed. I can't trust anyone until they prove themselves to me repeatedly. Generally speaking, the depression is under control now. I don't want to kill myself anymore, but I still have days where I want to just disappear. I still have anger problems, which I'm not sure will ever just go away. But if I see somebody being bullied, you can bet your life that I will jump in front of the victim to save them from it. I would do anything to protect somebody else from going through what I have.
The worst part? I got off lucky. Just think about how many people kill themselves every year (thousands) and then think about how many are results of bullying (Rebecca Sedwick and Amanda Todd, to name just two). Think about how much worse it's gotten for people with computers (which I didn't have while in school) because it's so much easier to be anonymous. Think about how many people turn to alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, cutting, or other forms of self harm just to escape the pain (tens of thousands). Think about how many turn into bullies themselves so that they won't be a victim anymore (the number one cause of bullying).
I will probably be recovering for the rest of my life and I'm one of the lucky ones. Talk to your kids, your grandkids, your nieces or nephews or friends. Ask them how they get along with people, ask them how they're feeling. Talk to them about how one little action can either save or ruin a life. For all you know, that could cause a butterfly effect and save a life.
Thank you so much for opening up to us, Rachel. This post calls attention to how severe bullying can be. I know Rachel is working very hard to try to finish her GED, and I wish her all the best.
She's an unusually sympathetic and intuitive person. I'm not happy about what happened to her, but we are shaped by our experiences and Rachel puts what she's gone through to good use by making people aware of bullying whenever she has the chance, by being willing to stand up for other people, and by offering kindness everywhere she goes.
Infinities of love to you, and especially to Rachel,
Janie Junebug
My motto as an editor: Authors are the authority on their work. I'm a full-service editor. For a reasonable fee, I'm your writing coach from the first suggested revision to the correction of the final typo.
Thank you for allowing me to do this guest post, Janie. My hope is that by discussing it on every outlet possible, I can just save one person from what I went through. Then maybe they can save somebody else. As I said, a butterfly effect.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thank you for your kind words to me. I'm glad that we became friends. You're such a wonderful person.
Love,
Rachel
Rachel, you are none of those labels that those idiots put on you. You are what we see here and on your blog and on Twitter-- someone who works hard and cares about helping others avoid what happened to you.
DeleteI congratulate you for emerging on the other side, able and willing to go on. It is hard; I don't know any answer except what you suggest--stand up and interfere every time.
ReplyDeleteMy granddaughter is on both sides of the issue; she's been a victim and a perpetrator. The school counselors at one of the best public schools in the state are no use; they are more interested in continuing the unblemished reputation of their school. My granddaughter has been through so much counseling in her twelve years she walks the walk and talks the talk. She and her siblings of whom I have custody are victims of abandonment by their parents. I just keep working away at the trouble.
I wish you nothing but the best in your life; don't stop until you are there.
Thank you.
DeleteOne of the most important things is that you recognize it as a problem. I would recommend things such as making her write a report on why bullying is wrong. I'm also willing to speak with her if you would like to have her hear how it can affect someone. Reading this series could also be a good idea. Having her in therapy is a great start, but I don't know if it's enough when she is on both sides. I think she's becoming a bully because she's too scared to be bullied anymore. If the schools don't want to help, go to the school board. If they won't help, go to the news and raise hell. You have a voice, you have power, and you love your grandchildren so I'm confident that you will make things work out.
I wish you and your grandchildren all the best.
Love,
Rachel
Hi, Rachel! Rebecca Sedwick, the girl who jumped from a tower after being relentlessly bullied over a long period of time, lived right here in my town. Her senseless death affected people in our community and across the country. As you well know, her story illustrates the devastating toll that bullying takes on today's young people. Cruel words transmitted through cyberspace can hurt as much or more than a fist punch.
ReplyDeleteClearly you have lived through a nightmare and you have survived. What happens next is up to you. Don't let memories of the past torment you in the present. You have the power to turn all that ugliness into greatness. When you encounter hate, love it to death. Concentrate on being the best you can be and rid yourself of negative thoughts and emotions. Channel your energy into helping others who are being abused, resisting the urge to seek revenge against the abusers. As you pointed out, victims can easily turn into bullies themselves and we'll never break the chain if we become part of the problem. Every day of your life do all you can to set a fine example for others and promote love, peace, understanding and hope. Thank you for sharing your life with us, Rachel, and best wishes to you.
You give wonderful advice. Everything you said is true. One of the problems with saying that "yes, I was a victim to bullying" is the title of being a victim. Once most people have it, they tend to forget that victims often come out stronger and wiser than they ever could have before. They forget that they can learn, they can grow, and they can walk away becoming an even better person. Being a victim to anything does not mean that it will ruin your life or control you, unless you stop fighting to be strong. At least, that's the way that I see it.
DeleteI am very sorry about Rebecca. I cried when I heard her story on the news and I cried when I looked it up online. She was only a child and she shouldn't have died like that. I was thrilled when I heard that they were pressing charges on the bullies, because there needs to be a punishment for a crime, but last I heard, that had failed. Whatever the case, Rebecca will not be forgotten as long as I'm around.
Love,
Rachel
Very well written piece of your heart, poured out for the world to understand. I am so sorry for what you had to endure. You know you have me in your corner and I will always be here for you. I'm incredibly proud of all you're doing and and proud that you call me friend.
ReplyDeleteTina @ Life is Good
On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!
You sort of became my big sister with all of our talks, Tina. I look up to you and I know that you've got my back. I hope you know that I have yours too. We all have stories behind us and sometimes, we just find people who know how to make us stronger.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
It is really good to put this stuff out there. I have been so swamped it nearly slipped my mind unless you are booked up I can still get my post about this to you.
ReplyDeleteYou can still write a guest post. I'll accept them until everyone has said what they wanted to say. And I was going to remind you.
DeleteThank you for reading my post, Brandon. I look forward to reading yours as well. Let's talk about this until we've said everything we can say. Somebody needs to hear it.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
Rachel, I am so sorry that you were bullied this way. You seem like a very kind person - That was evident in the way you helped your neighbor with his troubles. Keep your chin up, and surround yourself with good people (like the awesome people in the blog community). Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sherry. You seem like a loving, fun person from your blog posts and I hope to get to know you better. In the meantime, let's both hold our heads high and let the world know that we won't go down so easily.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
Dear Rachel and Janie, this posting leaves me sobbing inside for all the cruelty that some humans inflict on others. Children can be mean for many reasons and they need to be caught at it and then the truth can emerge as to why they choose to bully others. But when teachers do it I find myself at a total loss of understanding. I do so hope you complete your GED studies. I know from the studying my own great-niece did that the GED assessment is harder than regular high school. So be proud of yourself for the effort you are putting forth. And be gracious to yourself as you deal with the effects of bullying on your life and your personality and your being. Peace.
ReplyDeleteMy classes are done online. Since I left halfway through seventh grade (when I was failing out, after missing so much), I am missing several years worth of education going into the new classes (which are high school level). I am extremely fortunate that I have people, such as the lovely Tina who commented above you, to help me with the things that I can't understand on my own. It's taking me a long time but they stole my right to a diploma, and I'll be damned if I don't get it back. I want that piece of paper to hang up on my wall, like most people do with their college diplomas.
DeleteTell your great-niece that a random friend from the internet wishes both of you the best.
Love,
Rachel
Rachel, I agree with Janie that you have amazing insight for someone just 20 (for ex, knowing that your grade school neighbor–whom you harbored from storms—acted out to gain attention.)
ReplyDeleteSounds like middle school presented you with different challenges from grade school. What do males like me know about what females go thru at this difficult developmental stage? We should know it hurts, for sure (“Stress -stomachaches that put me in the hospital at least once a week.” Wow!)
Your Reading Teacher proves teacher bullying can be extremely harmful, even tho it usually leaves no physical evidence like “bruises.”
You’ve got potential as a writer, therapist, overall insightful person, esp with statements like “I lost the line between being a strong person and being a broken person.”
While Rebecca Sedwick jumping from a concrete tower was beyond tragic, Amanda Todd’s bullying sounds more like yours even tho it was cyber and yours wasn’t.,
I think you’re making us imperfect humans out to be a bit too fragile (“one little action can either save or ruin a life.”) True, if one’s victimized by a "big action" like rape, other violent crime, extreme abuse by a trusted loved one. As your own story reveals, it’s usually a string of bad experiences that make us “snap” as you did at 13.
You’re so right to point out that bullying causes some youths to turn to “alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, cutting, or other forms of self harm just to escape the pain.” We hear more often that it’s the pressure of academics, the stress of modern life; so, you’ve broadened the discussion. Thanks!
Where to begin!
DeleteThank you so much for all of the kind things that you've told me. I didn't write this post to get compliments, and yet, I'm getting so many that I'm in tears. It does restore faith in human kindness.
I do agree, though. I did not mean to make it seem as though humans are so fragile. We're strong creatures. Sometimes, a little too strong, actually. The point that I intended to make, is that we never really know what is going on in somebody else's mind or heart. I wore a smile on my face every day when I planned ways to kill myself. One comment could have set me over the edge. While we are strong, we all have a breaking point. In order to avoid reaching it, being nice as much as possible, is the best way to keep the strength and avoid from causing somebody to be fragile. Thank you for pointing out the misunderstanding in my sentence. I didn't catch it but I'm glad that it could be mentioned nicely.
The stress-stomachache had me in the hospital once a week or so. I would be unable to move and I had all sorts of tests done, but nothing was physically wrong. It was basically my mind and body trying to keep me away from my own personal hell-hole.
Thank you for being part of this discussion. We all bring something to the table and that's what will start to make a difference.
Love,
Rachel
"...we never really know what is going on in somebody else's mind or heart. I wore a smile on my face every day when I planned ways to kill myself."
DeleteYou're so right about this, tho sime moms and therapists can almost read minds. Many people who knew me during the experiences I related in CLEFT HEART are amazed that I hid my fear and turmoil so well. As for secret planning re ways to kill oneself, I'll let CLEFT HEART speak to that point.
My mom never knew how bad it was until I told her. We both cried that night. Sometimes people don't want to get involved and sometimes, it's just hidden too well. I look forward to reading your book. You must be an incredibly strong person to have done all the great things that you have so far.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
A powerful post. Bullying is certainly a problem for many people.
ReplyDeleteI think one person being bullied is far too many. In reality, it's millions. The numbers are terrifying.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
Thank you for sharing your story, Rachel. That sounds awful. I never understand when adults who are put in charge of the safety of other people's children, not only refuse to act, but seemingly partake in the bullying themselves. Hopefully, with all the publicity bullying has gotten recently (including here, good job, Janie) teachers are more apt to act.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pickleope.
DeleteI honestly hope that teachers will start to take a stand. One thing that I didn't mention, because I did not personally see it, is that teachers are often bullied as well. By the kids and by their parents, if the kid is punished for something in school. I have the utmost respect for teachers who deal with that but fight every day to educate children and protect them from each other.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
Yes, teachers are bullied. Students threatened to beat me up and the administrators shouted at me. That's why I'm not a teacher.
DeleteDear Rachel, thank you so much for sharing your story. I was only bullied once (Freshman year in HS), but once was enough to leave a lasting impression. I can't imagine what it must have been like to endure a lifetime of it. You must be a very strong young woman. I wish you all the best and pray for your healing.
ReplyDeleteLove,
-andi
One time and you survived. That is more than a lot of people can say. Don't underestimate your own strength, my dear. We both made it through some very unpleasant situations and we both wish the best for each other. I think that's something to be proud of.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
This just underlines how deep those scars go...it really is up to teachers and school administrators to try to crack down on this sort of thing. Put security cameras all around the school and stress that there will be severe punishment for any bullying. There's no excuse for someone being able to treat someone else like that and get away with it, whether it's in a school setting or elsewhere. If that happened to an adult, the police would probably be called.
ReplyDeleteIt is criminal behavior.
DeleteA lot of times, it still happens to adults. As an adult, we're more protected by "harassment", "slander", and "hate crime" laws before things get violent. After that, there are laws to hold adults responsible for that as well. (All of this is assuming, of course, that charges are pressed and that there is proof of the bullying happening.)
DeleteFor kids and teenagers, the charges may be pressed but they are usually dropped. Too many people that "kids will be kids" and that "a jail scare will teach them a lesson". It may teach that one bully a lesson, or it could teach them and a bunch of other bullies that the jail is only a scare tactic and nothing will be done. A lot of teachers have their hands tied but why the laws aren't changing, I will never understand.
Love,
Rachel
What a story! Bullying is a huge problem. I'm sorry you or anyone has to endure such treatment. I wish I knew how to prevent it from occurring to anyone.
ReplyDeleteMuch like an addiction, the first step is admitting that there is a problem and that you want to change things. The second step is opening your big mouth as much as possible and screaming, "I will NOT stand for this shit anymore!" The more people who start screaming that, the more we can get schools to actually do something about this problem and get the laws to be more strict for underage bullies. Other than that, the absolute best thing in the world that you can do, is let a victim know that you will be there to support them, no matter what.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
It is difficult to understand why the "responsible" adults didn't get more involved. Just sad and upsetting all around. I am so glad that you are working on your GED!! The best revenge is surviving well. May you flourish!! :) :)
ReplyDeleteMost of it has to do with the laws preventing them from doing anything. Teachers can only do so much to protect the students when they have all of the parents breathing down their necks. One shout of favoritism towards a student or even protecting them too much, could end up with both the teacher's job on the line and the victim getting treated even worse for being a "snitch". I can't blame them for that, as much as I would like to. I can, however, blame the ones who simply turned away or assisted in the bullying. It's one thing for my English teacher to at least try. It's another thing for my math teacher to pretend it wasn't happening or my reading teacher to help make things worse for me. I would like to believe most teachers are like my English teacher but from my personal experience, I'm unsure if that's true. I wouldn't mind hearing other opinions on this though.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
A great guest post, I was going to skip over this post but changed my mind leaving the tab opened till I had time to read it and I am so glad I did. When I was at school bullying wasn't treated as seriously as it now days, you were often told to just deal with it or to get over it but it can and has left lifetime scares for many.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, it's still not treated seriously enough or it would not happen. People still believe "kids will be kids" and that the victims are blowing things out of proportion or looking for attention. Schools typically seem to adopt a "no tolerance" policy for fighting. In other words, if you're jumped by six people in the hallway, you still get suspended too. I've seen it happen. Until things end in an all out fist fight, not much is done without cold hard proof. If it's your word against theirs, then you're usually told to talk to the councilor and that they'll have the bully talk to them to come to a solution. That makes things worse more often than it helps, since now they know that you spoke up and tried to change things. Without treating it as criminal behavior, it will be treated as playground "you're a poopy face!" behavior.
DeleteI would like to make it clear that I'm not saying victims should stay quiet. I think victims should be the loudest people in the room until things get better. For younger kids, talking to a teacher or principle or even higher up tends to help. For teenagers, if that doesn't improve things, being prepared to delete social media accounts and transfer schools may be the best bet. But staying silent is the worst option.
Think of it this way: A bully is like a snake and the damage a bully does is like a snake's poison. If a snake bites you, what do you do? You get as loud as possible until you get the help you need. Bullying should be seen the same way.
I am glad that you came back to read this post though. Thank you.
Love,
Rachel
I taught GED. I believed those students who told me they left school because of bullying from teachers, guidance counselors, and principals. While their stories were appalling, no one can fake the emotions they showed as they talked to me. In the school classrooms, I saw how teachers mistreated some students and favored others. Only one teacher ever came close to being a bully. She did use me as an example of how not to type. I hated that typing teacher and still do.
ReplyDeleteThank you for teaching GED classes. You are changing lives and giving people back what was stolen from them. It means the world to have a teacher who actually cares and wants you to do well, especially when you had at least one who you thought might very well be the devil.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
My heart hurts that she went through that. And at the hands of educators as well? Really makes my blood boil. I hope they realize what goes around comes around.
ReplyDeleteKarma has a way of getting people.
DeleteI believe Karma will take care of things. It always does. If nothing else, I at least know that they walk around with hate in their hearts and probably being disliked for the way they treat people. Or, if they grew up, then I know they'll have to suffer the guilt of what they did. Meanwhile, I'm walking around with my head held high, proud that a bunch of bullies failed in their quest to ruin my life. Life goes on and things get better, even if it's slowly.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
And I'm reminded why we home school. There's no reason why anyone should have that kind of in school. My heart breaks for those who experience similar things.
ReplyDeleteI considered home schooling The Hurricane, but I was concerned that if she didn't go to school she would have absolutely no skills for dealing with people. How do you make sure your children encounter all sorts of folks, Crystal?
DeleteI have to wonder the same thing. My little cousins are homeschooled and they aren't that wonderful at dealing with people. However, one of my best friends is homeschooled and he's one of the easiest people in the world to get along with and talk to. It makes me wonder what the differences are that change things.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
Rachael, I am so sorry you had to go through that and for that length of time. It makes me wonder what in the world is wrong with schools in this country. Some children become bullies, that is not surprising, however, that the teacher join in is beyond belief.
ReplyDeleteI was bullied in elementary school, by little boys, because I was a head taller than everyone else. But I had girlfriends, teachers, and even some boys who stood up for me.
And when it came time for middle school, I was able to choose an all girl school where I stayed through high school. And as far as I know, in my school in Sweden, there were no mean girls. I never heard of anything like what goes on in American schools when I went to school. Great guest post, Rachel.
I've never had schooling in another country (or even left this one, for that matter) so I don't know why things are so different. I do know, in England at least, that bullying is still pretty common. I'm unsure if it's as common as it is in America, though.
DeleteIf you were to look up the statistics, you would be shocked. The last time I looked at it, it was something like 3 in 4 kids admit to being bullied and 1 in 3 are scared to even use the bathroom by themselves.
I am sorry that you were bullied. Nobody deserves that. I can't even say I wish that on the bullies themselves. I would like to believe that bullies act that way for a reason. Maybe they were bullied or maybe they have some sort of chemical imbalance that makes them angry and mean. I honestly don't know since they are all different. What I do know, is that the more of us that talk about it, the more that we can change.
Love,
Rachel
I wasn't bullied much, but I was in that limbo between popular and unpopular. I suppose the over-the-top "RantZ" on my blog are a way of dealing with my inner anger now. Wish I'd had a blog then!
ReplyDeleteBlogging is therapeutic.
DeleteI think encouraging music, art, writing, and other healthy outlets would help those going through tough times. Not only bullying, but also other forms of abuse, loss, and the like. Unfortunately, funding for most of those programs are being cut back. Encouraging it at home and finding local classes, like at libraries, can be a good idea though.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
I also want to thank Rachel for an incredibly moving guest post.
ReplyDeleteI also want to thank The Silver Fox for kind words and for reading my guest post.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
What an incredibly moving post, nobody should have to endure such pain and misery inflicted by another human being. I completely support the stand up to bullies campaign, and wherever possible stand as a voice for those who feel they don't have one. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteHayley-Eszti | www.hayleyeszti.blogspot.com
Thank you. The more people who are willing to stand up and speak out, the bigger change we can make. I hope that one day, I'll be able to tell my children or grandchildren that I had friends all over the world who made a big difference in putting bullying to an end.
DeleteLove,
Rachel
Rachel, it takes a lot of courage to speak out so other kids can maybe benefit from your experiences. My heart aches for you for what those other kids... and teachers!... put you through, but I'm so very proud of you for prevailing. The best revenge for such cruel treatment is to persevere and succeed. You're stronger than they are, and more compassionate. I agree with the other comment that you'd be a terrific counselor. Hang in there. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteI've considering being a counselor and it's still a possibility in the future. For now, my focus is on getting a diploma and then earning enough money to go to college. Since I'm not in high school, scholarships and loans are limited to non-existent, so I have to work for it. But I am okay with that. I like working and making people smile at the job I have now.
DeleteAs for your heartache, don't let it ache for me. I survived and I will continue to fight to be better. If it must ache, let it ache for the millions of people who haven't gotten through it yet. They're the ones I write for.
Love,
Rachel
This is a brave, and incredibly powerful post, thanks so much for sharing your experiences, and highlighting the seriousness of bullying. My eldest son was bullied at high school (because he is Gay) they made his life (and therefore mine too) hell!
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you
Kimmie x