Monday, February 3, 2014

THE FAMILY WHO FEIGNED NOT FARTING

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

When The Hurricane wasn't yet a hurricane, but she was more than A Storm Cloud – let's say she was A Tropical Depression – I picked her up after she spent the night with her friend, Artsy Fartsy.

You won't believe what happened, she told me. During supper last night Mrs. Fartsy farted really loud, like a motorboat. It was a big honking fbbbbbbbbbbbttttttttttttt. I started to giggle and had to make myself stop because they all sat there and pretended nobody let her rip!

I was shocked. Though we never made a big deal out of gas at our house, we didn't try to act as if we were too good to cut the cheese.




I find that the older I get, the more I fart. I'm not farting quite as much since I went on a high-protein diet. It was pretty bad for a while. I had to clench my cheeks in church or I knew I would drown out the the choir. I felt sorry for people walking behind me.

But I don't feign not farting. Better out than in, I always told the patients at the nursing home.




Farts are fun.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

45 comments:

  1. I blowoff like the queen Mary in fog

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  2. That's a good reason to have dogs then they can be blamed for it. To be honest I am not a gassy person, maybe it is my diet, but everyone does it. I grew up in a house with a single mom and two sisters and they loved to do it and were proud of the level of noise they could create. Life is fun, enjoy it.

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  3. Just wait till you're older. The winds will catch up with you.

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  4. We make a major event out of it. Immaturity abounding.

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  5. That article had me rolling! Whew! Oh my. I grew up in the house where you didn't fart. When I got to college, all my roommates loved to let it rip, and I didn't know if I should be offended, grossed out, or laugh. Really, I should have done the latter, and sometimes did. It's hard weeding that kind of wiring out of your brain.

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    1. I've only been grossed out by farting once. I started a new job and one of the nurses was farting non-stop and was quite proud of herself. I think one should get to know people before farting so freely in front of them.

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  6. I laughed till I almost choked! What would the Dowager Countess say about farting?

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    1. Don't be ridiculous, Shelly. The Dowager Countess has never had a case of the winds.

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  7. On a related subject, I've heard that hot girls don't poop. I can't think of anyone better qualified to address that topic than you, my beautiful friend. :)

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  8. Everybody poops, but I have known some adults who would not poop anyplace except at home. I think those people must be very uncomfortable.

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  9. Scientists claim bovine flatulence is producing so much methane that it's affecting our climate. This is because they haven't traced the methane back to me...yet.

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  10. Nobody acknowledged it? And they're family? That's weird. That's some "we're keeping a dead body in the basement so that's how we're all accustomed to not showing emotion and pointing out something and instead keep all our emotions bottled up unlike our uncorked asses" type stuff right there.

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    1. Mrs. Fartsy was from another country and was very snooty. She probably liked pretending that people don't have bodily functions.

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  11. Tony has issues with pooping anywhere but home. I have issues with us only having one bathroom. :)

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    1. Apparently Tony is not alone. I've met a number of people who admitted freely that they had to poop at hom.

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  12. What a lot of hot air!

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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  13. LOL..."whisper in my panties" and the blow job one. this blog has made my day.

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  14. Hi Janie .. well you certainly can't hold it in sometimes ... thankfully I don't do a lot of it - but it happens! I walk quietly away! Or at home let it all tumble out ...

    Good methane .. if we could garner it in .. we might save some energy bills?! Cheers Hilary

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    Replies
    1. If I could harness my gas I think my car could run on it.

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  15. I learned to let it out discreetly and if I knew it would be a stink bomb, you would find me miles away so as not to offend anyone.

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    1. I'd love to be discreet, but I can't stop the noise.

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  16. We eat a lot of veggies so I could be considered The Pantie Whisperer! Ok, so probably not that bad but I definitely giggle at a good fart! My Granny used to get the walking farts occasionally and she would always blame the dog!

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    1. The last time Willy Dunne Wooters was here I laughed really hard and tooted with every laugh.

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  17. Bubba and my hubby would love this post. Your quote about what happens if farts travel to your brain is the only excuse they'll need to continue their flatulence!

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    1. I think male farts tend to be stinkier than female farts.

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  18. Farts are fun.
    Farts are cute.
    There's no crap
    whenever you toot.

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    1. But you have to watch out for those wet farts. They're dangerous.

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  19. Hehehe. I just never know what I'm going to get when I come over here.

    One of my favorite farting memories was with a girl that one of my guy friends dated. She was gorgeous, probably still is, but she wielded some pretty wicked silent but deadlies. Literally cleared the room more than once---but because they were silent, she didn't fess up, not in public. But her boyfriend knew and never ratted her out because he loved her. Until she cheated on him with a married man. Then he told all of us.

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    1. Don't cheat if you want to keep your stinky secret.

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  20. Everyone farts even the Queen, have you ever seen her wave she looks likes she has just let on rip and trying to fan away the smell..............lol Although I do wonder if the Queen lets go a loud smelly one at a Royal function what does one do, do they pretend they didn't notice, she the Queen after all, do they blame the corgis or may Prince Philip being the man steps in and takes the blame...........lol

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    1. Your comment made me laugh so hard, Jo-Anne.

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  21. I'm just sitting her giggling--through your post and all the comments and responses I just read. I grew up in a house where it was considered impolite to fart. Since we ate basically a meat and potatoes and cheese type diet, there wasn't as much of it anyways. I also fart more as I am older and eat more veggies and beans--ROFL! ;)

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    1. When I was growing up, anyone who farted could expect to be picked on.

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  22. My family is the WORST. My dad has a remote-control whoopie cushion and he used it on his coworkers all the time during important meetings. My brother was threatened with riding on top of the car when we went on family vacations. My sister has been known to peel paint. And let's just say that Phil and I can rival each other. Especially when my IBD is acting up...

    -andi

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    1. I'm glad I don't go on road trips with your family. That poor Yamaha, putting up with the stench while you play it so poorly.

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  23. That is hilarious! I live with five men...none of them feign farting. I believe they relish the competition.

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