Monday, January 6, 2014

IT'S COLD

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I'm sorry I don't have a post to publish today.

Well, I know that what you're reading right now is kind of a post, but it's not the post I had planned.

You see, the problem is . . . it's cold. It's supposed to get down to 25 tonight.

I realize that if your temp today was 25 below that getting down to 25 above is nothing to you.

But in Florida, cold weather turns us into slugs. Our blood is thin from the usually warm weather. We can't cope with cold. When it gets down to 60, the natives wear winter coats and gloves and hats.

So try to imagine how we suffer when it's below freezing.

I must be going native because it's so cold that I wouldn't leave the house today.

I have an excuse. I don't own a coat. I sold my coats on ebay after I moved here, thinking I would never need them again.

One of the coats was a full-length, faux fur that looked so real that people were always asking me, Is that real?

No! I would cry in disgust. I would never wear real fur, I'd say with contempt.

I miss my faux fur coat right now.

I looked a lot like this when I wore it:



And listen up, ass wipes morons idiots people who tend to neglect the animals who depend on you for safety and security: Just because your dog and cat have fur coats, it doesn't mean that "them there animals is meant to live outside. They like being outside."

You go outside to sleep in the snow and cold and see how long you can stand it before you're whimpering at the door.

I realize you're not going to put sheep in bed with you, but for God's sake, bring the dogs and cats inside and make them comfortable. If they're not accustomed to being inside and don't know how to behave appropriately, it's your own damn fault for not teaching them so go fuck yourself. If I hear you've left your dog or cat or hamster out in the cold, I will teach you a lesson you will never forget.

And it will involve the loss of body parts.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug


P.S. I know Downton Abbey premiered last night. Please don't tell me what happened. I shall be watching it sometime this week with my close personal friend DVR.

46 comments:

  1. It's nice to see you in such a good mood!!

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  2. Your panties are in a bunch, Janie Junebug, and I agree with you about our animal friends. I'm halfway down the peninsula from you but the north wind is howling and it's turning hellish cold. People who don't bring their pets in on a night like this don't deserve to have them.

    I won't be a Downton spoiler but Thomas will have you uttering the F word a few more times. 'Nuff said.

    Think warm thoughts, dear JJ, and good night to you!

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  3. It's so cold here that the flasher are just showing pictures of themselves. I was working on the pool today and had to stick my hands in the water while ice was forming. PAIN! Okay now, but cold water hurts. Throw another quilt on the bed and burrow in.

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    1. Cold water is painful. When it's cold, it takes quite a while for me to get warm water running.

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  4. Yeah, cold is relative. It's the same here where I live (generally a warm weather climate) and I have a coworker who calls us all "babies" when we complain about any sort of temperature above negative 20. Yet, he's also the jackass who complains it's too hot when it gets above 80. So yeah, bundle up and complain away. By the way, I have your "pickle" drawn and I just need to color it in. It's coming, I swear.

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  5. It's not so much cold as it is bracing or brisk. It's a balmy -24C in the land of the Bear this morning. (That's about -11F.) We had a significant snowfall overnight, but the temperature is up ten degrees C from yesterday, which is a good start.

    Just put an extra blanket, or dog, on the bed and stay warm.

    Blessings and (warm) Bear hugs!

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  6. Janie, even if I don't want to laugh I have to after reading your posts. You're in the cooler room in Florida and I am in the icebox in Chicago. Almost everywhere was closed yesterday.

    Happy New Year!

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    1. I went to Chicago once during the winter, except it was spring. Chicago still had winter. We shopped around the fancy stores and every time we went outside I put up the hood on my coat and tied it onto my head with my scarf.

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  7. We have a very old cat who still prefers the outdoor facilities. When forced to stay in overnight he uses the dog bed for a litter box. Yes, 1) we have litter boxes and 2) we are washing the dog's bed again this morning.

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    1. Oh, well. At least you know what to expect and you live with it instead of getting upset.

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  8. Oh, I so missed the Dowager Countess. I'm glad you're going to savor it today. I don't have much in the way of coats, either, since it is usually so hot here. Yesterday proved me wrong!

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    1. We're supposed to be in the 50s tomorrow.

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  9. Ohhh noooo, I hate the cold and this sounds like HELL, (only cold... not hot... you know what I mean.) Hope it's not too bad xx

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    1. It's pretty chilly out. I think my philodendron froze to death overnight. We'll see if it rises from the dead tomorrow.

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  10. In Illinois there was a moronic woman behind us who left her border collie out barking for hours in the freezing cold. I would call the police. I don't know what happened to her or the dog, but she is one of my least favorite people on earth.

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    1. I know too many sad dog stories, and some of them have been about dogs who eventually came to live with me.

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  11. Thanks for that reminder about pets, not all them are dressed like Samson. Here it's in the 20s at night and in the 60s during the day. And dry! Stay warm.

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    1. It's dry here now, but lately we've had an unusually damp chilliness. I don't like it.

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  12. If you need any help teaching those dipshits a lesson, just let me know. I've got a lot of time on my hands and I know where the big knives are kept in the restaurant that I used to work in.

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    1. I'm Batman. You're Robin? Or I'm Batwoman and you're Batgirl. Maybe we both can be Wonder Women.

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  13. Absolutely - right. Indeed, animals should 'not' be left outside in that terrible weather. I despair of the human race ...

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    1. Try not to give in to despair, Wendy. I believe with all my heart that there are more good people than there are bad.

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  14. Everything is always relative, so forget the haters. I'm cold too. WAHHHHH

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    1. When I worked at the nursing home, I constantly reminded my colleagues that everything is relative–especially when they belittled the physical or emotional pain our patients experienced.

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  15. At least it's above freezing here in Portland. We're between dogs right now but rest assured if we had one it would be in bed between us.

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    1. You and Mrs. C just have to figure out how to keep each other warm.

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  16. With the wind chill it is currently 0 out. I have no idea if anyone got the right mail today because after the first 3 minutes I could no longer feel my fingertips, which despite the gloves, are needed to flip through the mail.

    Youngest will be getting off the bus in 20 minutes and I'll be going back out in the cold to get him. Then Oldest needs to be picked up at 3:45, and Youngest needs to be dropped off. Then we have some errands to run, Annnnnnd then Youngest needs to be picked up. But after that... I am hunkering down in the bed. And I don't care what animal you put in there with me. :)

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    1. I'm so sorry you have to go out. I was going to, but decided I could stay inside again today. I can't believe I used to go out walking in Maryland during all but the coldest weather.

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  17. Also nice to hear interpretations of the southern draw done from a southerner herself. "Them there animals," lol. I agree though, cats can manage, you see them all of the time, but I see just as many huddled under the still warm engines of cars at night. One benefit to the cold is that it does keep you close to others, and close to your writing. I can't complain about either.

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    1. I'm not a southerner and it really wasn't an attempt at a southern drawl. I was imitating someone I used to know (and did not like) in Pennsylvania.

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  18. My coats are up in the attic. I too figured I'd never need them again since it's Florida and a sweatshirt would suffice in cooler temps. Ha! I always admit when I'm wrong. And I was so wrong!

    I will be on the beach by the end of the week though...and cherishing every second of it.

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    1. Warmth will prevail, Barb. We are Florida.

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  19. What's Florida like these days? I haven't been there since my family and I left in 2003, but in our research to try to find the ideal place for us, we're considering moving back.

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    1. It's unusually chilly at the moment, but we all know it will warm up again. I like living here, in spite of the excessive heat during the summer. Jacksonville is a very large city, as you no doubt know, but I like my neighborhood. We have an extremely conservative governor who is a jackass. He was elected by a very narrow margin. He hasn't done anything to destroy my life. Property values are down, but that's true in most places. Favorite Young Man rents a house just a few minutes away from me. It's 800/month, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, large fenced-in yard, and large garage. Willy Dunne Wooters pays about the same for a one-bedroom apartment in a gated community that has a garage and a pool. Florida is probably a lot like you left it, except housing is cheaper.

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  20. I'm not going to go fuck myself, because I did bring That Damn Cat in from her heated condo into the heated garage and let her stay in the kennel there. That Damn Cat bawled and bawled and bawled. All freakin' night long. I guess she preferred her outdoor condo as to her indoor condo. Stupid Freakin' Damn Cat.

    -andi

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    1. Please. Go fuck yourself, and take pictures. You just made me laugh so hard I nearly peed.

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  21. If you wear your coat like that your sternum will get cold! ;)

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    1. Not to worry, Maggie. I no longer have the coat, so I protect my sternum with a sweater.

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  22. Cold you say, well I never, who would had thought it would get cold over in your corner of the world..................lol Hope you are staying warm my friend I think about all my blog friends suffering the cold each evening when I see how cold it is on the evening news.

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    1. It's a wee bit warmer today, but it's a damp cold, which I hate.

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  23. Hi Janie .. I bet it's been cold everywhere ... especially as it's hit Floriday - though sounds like the worst is over .. until the thaw sets in .. keep warm and cheerful - Hilary

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    1. Today it's warm and kind of humid. The cold didn't last long.

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Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.