Wednesday, December 4, 2013

WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR MASTURBATION AND OTHER NURSING HOME SEX STORIES

As promised, I'm presenting my top ten most popular posts as part of my one thousandth post celebration. This post was first published on November 11, 2011. Nine hundred thirty-two people viewed "WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR MASTURBATION AND OTHER NURSING HOME SEX STORIES". If you're sensitive or offended by a discussion of masturbation, then you might want to skip this one. Keep in mind that Lola wrote this. She can be pretty nasty.

Here's #8 on my top ten hits list:

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Some nasty sexual activity occurs in nursing homes.

At the nursing home where I worked, I truly loved almost all the residents. But the few I didn't love? They were rather gross.

For example, there was the guy whose adult children would bring him porn. He'd watch it on his TV while masturbating. I did not like that man. He always spat on the floor. Finally I said to him, Mr. Masturbating Porn Watching Spitter, please do not spit on the floor. I have to kneel on the floor while I help you wash your nasty cum-covered ding-dong (gosh, I hope my use of ding-dong doesn't offend anyone). At least he stopped spitting when I was there.

We didn't close the doors in the nursing home because we had to keep an eye on everyone and make sure they hadn't fallen on the floor. Even at night the doors were closed only partway. We did not have cameras to help us watch for accidents, or to make our own porn films of the obvious masturbators.

FlasherThere was this guy who obviously loved it that his door was open. His job before infirmity caught up with him must have been Flasher at a local elementary school. The kids have to learn sometime what a limp ding-dong on a moron looks like.

Mr. Moron should have been in the Guinness Book of World Records because he never, ever freaking stopped masturbating. Sitting on his bed. Next to the open door.

O.K. I'm exaggerating. He probably slept about two hours at night and he wasn't masturbating then. At least I don't think he was.

Blushy GirlEvery single person who walked down that hall got to see Mr. Moron yanking his wanky. And not just staff members. Every visitor who came to see a dying or sick loved one was treated to the sight of Mr. Moron dating five-fingered Sally.  Shocked 1 Gentlemen, please tell me: If you masturbated 20 hours/day or so, then wouldn't your hand get tired?

Mr. Moron's hand was on the move all the time. Moron couldn't walk, couldn't get himself into his wheelchair alone so he could go to the bathroom, but he had the strongest right hand on Earth. God, he was amazing.

But let's finish up this post with something nicer. Before I worked in a nursing home, I volunteered in one. There was a man and a woman, probably in their 30s, and they had some physical disabilities. They might have been a bit mentally challenged too.

But they found each other and were so happy together. They sat in their wheelchairs in his room or her room, talking and holding hands and once, I saw them kissing. It was really pretty sweet. Living in a nursing home is not exactly fun, and I'm glad they could comfort one another.
Fireworks KissI hope that, in their own way, they lived happily ever after.

Infinities of love,
Mardi GrasLola 

45 comments:

  1. LOL. Hope Mr. Moron did not end up with the Carpal Tunnel syndrome !

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  2. "If you masturbated 20 hours/day or so, then wouldn't your hand get tired?"

    This is why all but the most unfortunate have two arms.

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  3. OMG!!! Ew ew ew

    My mom was in a nursing home for over a year to make use of their rehabilitation program. During her stay, there were some VERY old men trying to hit on her. I'm talking like 90s old... It was my understanding that certain things stopped working at a certain age... Guess not!

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  4. I volunteered as a CNA for a week . . . I'm still having nightmares about some of those old men LOL!

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  5. haha yes but I'm sure doing it 20 hours a day, you build up some type of arm muscle from all that ummm exercise..haha

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  6. Thank you for ending this post with a sweeter visual. Really.
    :)

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  7. We have a friend who works in an Alzheimer's Clinic and he reports about how frisky the residents are. They just start shagging each other like mad and then don't remember it the next morning. I would think it would be like a Meet the California Raisins sex tape edition..eeewww

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  8. I want to know where you got the picture of me without my beard? And to answer your question: 'If you masturbated 20 hours/day or so, then wouldn't your hand get tired?' No! You learn to change hands in mid stroke, without missing a beat, so the right hand can rest. Also, my doctor told me to ejaculate (cum for you less intelligent wankers out there)at least three times a week to help stave off Prostate Cancer. It seems that the men who suffer it in old age is because they stop cumming. So I have to say my Prostate is like a thirteen year old boy's.

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  9. @Coffeypot: Please do not tell us the name of the thirteen year old boy with whom you compared yours? Thanks.

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  10. Also, to add to Coffeypot's comment, yes it would. Now. But I'm willing to bet that man has put in many years training to build up such epic endurance. Could I run a marathon? Certainly not now. But if I trained for a while, sure.

    Plus, you get a little break after you ejaculate. Like a water break.

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  11. With all his "training" I bet Mr.Moron could beat even most younger men at arm wrestling. Of, course, his opponents would have to wear surgical gloves--probably several of them!

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  12. Was that the guy that had one giant arm compared to the other?

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  13. Hahahaha
    At the post, Mr Fox and Coffeypot.

    Sounds a bit like life in a children's home. I've worked in a few of them. Reminds me of a story, not gonna write ANOTHER epic comment, but if you want to read it
    http://dirtycowgirl.blogspot.com/search/label/littledevils

    It's good to know that even if I do end up senile and in a home I'm still likely to get some.

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  14. Gentleman, please tell me: If you masturbated 20 hours/day or so, then wouldn't your hand get tired?

    Nope. Builds muscles, though I'm still not Mr. Universe yet. Back to work...

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  15. Jaya, I hope he died before carpal tunnel descended on him -- not that I wish anyone dead. I just hope he didn't have any other physical problems before he went to flasher heaven.

    Mr. Fox, You have a logical explanation for everything.

    Elisa, I saw SOOOOO many penises. All sizes and shapes. It was amazing.

    Pat, How are your muscles?

    Stephanie, You are welcome. I hope you don't have nightmares about old men.

    Princess, Elderly people have lots of STDs.

    Coffey, I'm almost sorry I wrote this post.

    Maxwell, Thank you for adding information. It's very helpful.

    fishducky, I don't think he would have given up his primary activity in order to arm wrestle.

    JDC, No. Both hands were the same size, I think. I couldn't get a good look at his right hand because it was always in motion.

    dirtycowgirl, But the sad part is you won't remember you got it.

    Rory, You are hilarious.

    My 2 Pesos, Estoy stupido. No entiendo.

    Interwebs, Only if you're living in a nursing home and choking the chicken all day.

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  16. Logical explanation? Hm. I try, but I'm still trying to figure out all the contradictions contained in Miss Lola...

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  17. Mr. Fox, Lola and Dr. Frankenstein, JLG, enjoy creating confusion so no one knows what to expect each day.

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  18. Then you have an amazing 100% success rate!

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  19. You had to help him wash his todger? That's unbelievable. If he's fit enough to yank it, he should be fit enough to wash it. I'm surprised he hasn't asked you for a hand job...

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  20. Gorilla Bananas, You would think so, wouldn't you? But it was part of my job to make sure he was completely clean. Even though he could yank the wanky he was not that good at cleaning the wanky. Maybe he wasn't good at it on purpose.

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  21. So what's new. Most of the sex I've had hasn't been that memorable, and there's some I wish I could forget.

    And lets not mention cab drivers.

    Yeah I think I'll fit right in,

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  22. My sister's done that type of work for years, and has shared some pretty terrifying/gross stories. I could never do it...LOL

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  23. LMAO!!!! You really outdid yourself in this post xDD I couldn't stop laughing xDD

    I volunteer monthly at an old folks home half an hour's drive away and not ONCE have I heard any creepy dirty story like this. it's really disturbing xDDD

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  24. I'm guessing he's been doing it for years and has such a strong wrist and a lot of stamina.

    That's how he's still able to do it at such an old age.

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  25. Yuk. I would have hit him.
    www.thoughtsofpaps.com

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  26. this is crazy sad, funny and ....
    I hope you write a book someday.
    Is someone slipping him the little
    blue pill?

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  27. Jilda, Someone might have been slipping him that blue pill. Friends and family have been known to sneak alcohol and drugs -- prescription and otherwise -- to nursing home residents.

    Paps, Hitting = Firing
    No matter what the patient does.

    DWei, Could be. Lotsa practice builds lotsa muscles.

    Punk Chopsticks, It's great that you volunteer. I think you have to actually work in a place and spend a lot of time there to get the dirt, but I wish it didn't exist.

    Paige, I loved the work. Most of the residents were great.

    dirtycowgirl, You will never go to a nursing home. If you can't take care of yourself, as long as I'm standing, I'll take care of you.

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  28. Hmmm. Wouldn't he rub it raw? Or totally off to a nub? Hmmm.

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    Replies
    1. I wish he'd worn it down to a nub, but then he'd probably be like a dog, humping people's legs.

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    2. I think your current audience is a little more subdued...did you get a lot of disaster film hits today?

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    3. People have gotten used to Janie Junebug. They've forgotten how they loved Lola. You have me on disaster film hits. Why would that be?

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    4. Going gently...the website is disaster film something.

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    5. I just looked up Going Gently on IMDB. It's a British film about two elderly patients with cancer. So I guess that's where John got the name.

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    6. Yeah, I looked at his blog. The URL is disasterfilmblogspot.com. I had never noticed that before.

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  29. Okay...laughing, laughing!!!

    And laughing!!

    -andi

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  30. Egas. I really, really, really wish I hand't read this one until after I got back from my monthly stint at the rehab center.

    Very sweet that the two at the end of your post found each other. :)

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  31. I cannot believe you would use the word "ding-dong"! My poor eyes :P

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    1. It was LOLA! I would never fucking say ding-dong.

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  32. I really don't know what to say, these stories are disturbing you would think if you are old and in a nursing home you wouldn't want to both but guess I was wrong, I am glad I do not see these things when I go and visit my nanna

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you don't see them, too, but older people don't all lose interest in sex.

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