Wednesday, November 16, 2011


 Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Yes, it's true. You read the title correctly. My children *sob* are bullies *whimper*. I'm so ashamed. Just last week I wrote a post in which I came down very hard on bullies. And now I've learned what my very own children are capable of doing. It's so shocking. I didn't know if I could tell you, but I feel I must take responsibility for their actions. Don't bother calling the police to report their crime. I'll deny everything and offer sexual favors until the cops run in terror.

 I have tried to be a responsible parent. But sometimes nothing a parent does is of any help. I swear to you it's nature, not nurture.

 It happened yesterday afternoon. The kids -- Harper, Scout, and Franklin -- were gathered around the rose bush in the back yard. They were obviously having a look at something and chatting about it. This is never a good sign. It means they are in collision or collution, or whatever, against something.

They were supposed to be outside playing because at times, they become a little too rambunctious in the house.
 I went outside to see what was really going on because I am a diligent parent.

And what I saw, Oh Lord please save my children from their instincts, oh my goodness -- white feathers on the ground under the rose bush. And I knew immediately, oh yes I knew, I knew they had killed a bird.

I suspect they used their sling shots, or maybe one of them took my BB gun when I was drinking beer and watching my few remaining soaps. I don't know the truth yet. No one is talking.

But no bird was under the rose bush. I went to look around the yard. I saw it. A dove. A poor white dove in the middle of the back yard. I thought, I'll have to cover up what they've done because blood is thicker than water. They are my children and I'll punish them, but I won't allow the police to take my babies away.

I took a closer look at the dove to determine how to conceal the crime and realized he was alive. Yes, he was alive, but he couldn't move. Couldn't fly. Couldn't even get up and walk away.

What was I to do?

Should I take him to the nearest hospital, pull up to the ER, and toss him out the window toward the door? Someone might be able to help him.

I went inside to text Favorite Young Man because he is a criminal mastermind. He would tell me what to do.

I started texting him, and suddenly, Harper walked in with the dove and put it on my $750 area rug.

He was now one dead dove and there was no turning back.

I screamed in horror because I simply couldn't believe my very own boys had carried out such a vicious attack. Then I started coughing because I had screamed so loud.

I dashed out the front door because dead creatures freak me out hoping that my neighbor, an RN, might be able to help me with, uh, CPR. Perhaps we could revive the dove.

Alas, Anthony hot, hot young Anthony who gives me so much pleasure when he takes off his shirt to work in his yard was not at home. So I set off up the street looking for any available man who might be of assistance. The only person I found at home was a young mom with her little boy.

I knocked on the door, crying, Suzanne, I'm desperate. My children have killed a dove and I don't know what to do.

She said, Would you like me to take care of it?

You wouldn't mind?

No, I wouldn't mind, Suzanne said.

Now I had a partner in crime. Because it was such a nice day and I decided to stroll around the block before I went to Suzanne's It was too late to revive the dove so he would have to be hidden.

Suzanne picked him up - gasp - with a trash bag, dropped him inside, tied the bag shut, AND WE HID THE BAG IN THE BOTTOM OF THE GARBAGE CAN.

Now how do I teach my children it is a sin to kill? I think it's even a commander, commando, going commando, or something in the Bible.

I sent Franklin to his room.
I lectured Scout.

And because Harper was the one who brought the dove inside, as if he were so proud of himself, I sent him to bed without his supper.

But now I have even more to worry about. In the past I have seen dead mice, dead bunnies, a dead possum, dead moles, dead rats, dead squirrels, and many dead birds.

I fear my children are not mere bullies. They are cereal killers.

Please pray for them.

Infinities of love,



  1. You hid the body. You're an accessory. Suck it up and be an elegant one, like a silk scarf of a Coach bag.

  2. We used to have a ...err, dog. He was such a rascal and the biggest bully. Killed every bird, rat, chicken, cat that he can sink his teeth into. He was territorial and loved us to death. We loved him too. After 13 years, he had to be put to sleep due to an infection that never healed.
    :( I miss him.

  3. hahaha it's so funny how they act all proud of themselves when they bring it home and a cereal killer, do they eat their abc's first before they kill the fruit loops?..haha

  4. My cat, Orson, wrote a story about a cereal killer. I'd include a link, but that was the punchline and I just spoiled it!

  5. Had I been there, I’d have assisted you. I’m great at removing dead carcasses – mice, birds, fish, lizards...but only if someone is right there beside me. Can’t do it alone. Wonder why? Fear the creature will come back to life?

    Love your dogs and their names. I miss my dog. ):

  6. LOL LOL LOL I crack up everytime I read your blog!! Aww the poor little bird. The point is that the wrong doing was recognied. Hopefully they will learn in the future. They will be in my prayers.

    Now, I want to hear more about this hot neighbor named Anthony... hahaha

  7. Hahaha it's so funny how animals think they're so amazing and get all proud when they try to bring something in. One time my cat, who only "caught" a bird because it was already dead, tried to bring it inside, looking all smug. But still kinda sad cause of the bird :/ unless it pooped on me, then I don't care.

  8. You should have been more like me. My cat, Chappy - RIP, caught a bird in mid flight and brought it to ground. He had already started the meal by the time I got there. The bird was still alive. So a got a rock and crushed his fucking head. No need trying to save a bird with guts hanging out. I let Chappy finish his meal before putting the rest in the trash can. But believe it or not, I did the Cherokee thing and thanked the bird for giving up his soul for Chaplin and I thanked the good Lord for providing a meal to his stronger creature. Then I had a beer for myself.

  9. Suz, Hermes?

    Jaya, I know how you feel.

    Pat, They prefer their snap, crackle, and pop.

    Mr. Fox, I'd like to read it anyway.

    Beth, I wish you lived next door.

    Ms. Fun, Glad you enjoyed it. Anthony is married to the equally cute Allison. I don't have a chance. I simply enjoy the view.

    20 Something, They think they're bringing me such gifts as if I'll cook the dead critter for my dinner.

    Oh Coffey. I'll spend the rest of the day thinking of you smashing the bird's head, and it will not be a sexy thought.

    My 2 Pesos, Si. Lo siento.

    Interwebs, I live with gangstas.

  10. Dear Murderer's Mother--

    Whether it is nurture (have the kids ever seen you catch a bird in your teeth?) or nature (survival of the fattest--I mean fittest--I was thinking of myself) this emphasizes the danger of keeping a loaded slingshot in one's home.

    ps--I find it so much easier to write when it's not necessary to make sense, don't you?

  11. Oh my gosh LOL! They are sooo cute though :0)

  12. Maybe it was a mean, bully, dove that deserved to die. Maybe your babies watched Dexter and took out the evil dove. Don't judge. We don't know what really happened.

  13. A real friend will help you hide the body. :)

    And now you know who your real freinds are.

  14. fishducky, I'm so ashamed. They have seen me catch a bird with my teeth. And that's a very funny comment.

    Elisa, They are so cute and too sweet to be believed. I don't know what I'd do without my boys.

    Melynda, I feel much better now -- I think.

    Julianna, That neighbor is getting homemade cookies. She's a sweetheart. I'm fortunate to have great neighbors all around me.

    jerzey 72, Welcome! Your avatar is quite cool.

  15. Hey LOLA! Thanks for your comments on my blog. I really appreciate it. I had dogs once too and what they can do never ceases to amaze me. NO they didn't kill the symbol for PEACE! LOL I can't wait to read more posts from you. I love how your words come to life!

  16. When you have animals around the house this things can happen.My cats bring me mices,rats,birds..undefined...
    My dogs hunt possums,who on their turn hunt my chicken..ah nature:)
    We kill animals to eat their meat/Stronger animals kill other animals to eat...

  17. Cereal killers? You mean they bumped off Captain Crunch?

  18. SassyUptownChic, Thanks for the compliment. I think your blog is really fun.

    Dzoli, The chain of life, rather than the change of life because that would be menopause and I don't want to talk about that.

    My Dear Mrs. Tuna, They also got the Trix rabbit; Snap, Crackle, and Pop; and that little green Irish dude from Lucky Charms. If they get into cookies, they might kill the Keebler elves.

  19. Never get a cat.

    When son was little I had one that would be out all night, and in the morning when we left for school we would find the nights kills laid out on the doorstep for us.
    Mice, voles, birds, even the occasional grass snake.
    Every fucking morning.

    The three I have now are not as bad, but we now live in the town so not as much to catch.


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