Gentle Readers,
Do you ever feel like there's something sticking out of your poop chute and you don't know if a poop has popped out and is hanging on or if it's a hemorrhoid?
You don't?
Oh.
Me neither.
Infinities of love,
Lola
My motto as an editor: Authors are the authority on their work. I'm a full-service editor. For a reasonable fee, I'm your writing coach from the first suggested revision to the correction of the final typo.
Showing posts with label Catherine Zeta Jones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Catherine Zeta Jones. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
LET'S INVITE THOSE RELATIVE WE FOUND OVER FOR DINNER
Gentle Readers,
Someone I Love still has a little too much time on her hands and has continued her genealogical research.
If her current findings are correct, then she and Favorite Young Man are direct descendants of a rather well-known family, along with another family named Spencer. Thus, she and Favorite Young Man are cousins of some sort to Prince William and Prince Harry.
And they didn't even get a fuckin' invite to the wedding although they have the Spencer red hair.
Sarah Ferguson, Someone I Love and Favorite Young Man know exactly how you feel.
Infinities of love,
Lola
Someone I Love still has a little too much time on her hands and has continued her genealogical research.
If her current findings are correct, then she and Favorite Young Man are direct descendants of a rather well-known family, along with another family named Spencer. Thus, she and Favorite Young Man are cousins of some sort to Prince William and Prince Harry.
And they didn't even get a fuckin' invite to the wedding although they have the Spencer red hair.
Sarah Ferguson, Someone I Love and Favorite Young Man know exactly how you feel.
Infinities of love,
Lola
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
CANCELLATION TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS
Gentle Readers,
Last week I told you about all my new techno stuff in TECH NO GEEK.
But getting new stuff meant I had to cancel some old stuff. The new cell phone was no problem because of Rad and because I simply went from one AT&T phone to another.
But installing a U-Verse package meant I had to cancel my old satellite TV provider and internet service.
So I called the satellite people. We'll call them DirectFuckMe. The guy I got on the phone simply would not shut up and let me cancel the service. I didn't shout; I didn't curse. But I did end up becoming rather angry and speaking to him quite strongly, as in, My DVR hasn't worked properly for months and you people kept telling me it was my fault and you wouldn't do anything about it and then the AT&T guy told me today that your stuff had never been hooked up properly.
Mr. DirectFuckMe actually had the nerve to tell me that he isn't "you people," that he has a name and it's Shit Head, and that I never talked to him so it wasn't his fault.
Then he tried to rip me off by telling me if I didn't cancel for another month that it would save me money on what I have to pay per month ($20) to finish off my contract, which ends in September. I said, How can paying for another month at $79 cost less?
He said, Blah blah blah blah something something something.
I said, Just cancel it right now.
He finally obeyed.
Them I had to call Shamcast to cancel the internet. I've been unhappy with them because they called me a couple of months ago and said they were sending out someone to upgrade my modem free of charge and the cost of my service would actually go down.
HA! I say HA!
Almost every day the internet went out after the upgrade and I had to unplug everything and plug it back in, not easy when one is hampered by a broken back. Furthermore, although the cost of the internet service went down by about a dollar, they added some other cost, so the total cost went up.
But I was prepared when I called Shamcast because of my experience with DirectFuckMe. When Shamcast inquired why I was canceling, I answered, I am giving away all my belongings and entering a convent.
He said he didn't even know there were convents in the United States anymore. I assured him there were.
He said I was due for a refund.
No argument.
Problem solved.
I'm going to use the entering a convent excuse from now on.
In fact, afterwards I felt so freaking brilliant I'm surprised my head could fit through the door.
Infinities of love and nunneries,
Lola
P.S. AT&T also gave me a $200 rebate for getting the U-Verse package, which more than covers the cost of the $60 I still owe DirectFuckMe for canceling my contract with them.
Last week I told you about all my new techno stuff in TECH NO GEEK.
But getting new stuff meant I had to cancel some old stuff. The new cell phone was no problem because of Rad and because I simply went from one AT&T phone to another.
But installing a U-Verse package meant I had to cancel my old satellite TV provider and internet service.
So I called the satellite people. We'll call them DirectFuckMe. The guy I got on the phone simply would not shut up and let me cancel the service. I didn't shout; I didn't curse. But I did end up becoming rather angry and speaking to him quite strongly, as in, My DVR hasn't worked properly for months and you people kept telling me it was my fault and you wouldn't do anything about it and then the AT&T guy told me today that your stuff had never been hooked up properly.
Mr. DirectFuckMe actually had the nerve to tell me that he isn't "you people," that he has a name and it's Shit Head, and that I never talked to him so it wasn't his fault.
Then he tried to rip me off by telling me if I didn't cancel for another month that it would save me money on what I have to pay per month ($20) to finish off my contract, which ends in September. I said, How can paying for another month at $79 cost less?
He said, Blah blah blah blah something something something.
I said, Just cancel it right now.
He finally obeyed.
Them I had to call Shamcast to cancel the internet. I've been unhappy with them because they called me a couple of months ago and said they were sending out someone to upgrade my modem free of charge and the cost of my service would actually go down.
HA! I say HA!
Almost every day the internet went out after the upgrade and I had to unplug everything and plug it back in, not easy when one is hampered by a broken back. Furthermore, although the cost of the internet service went down by about a dollar, they added some other cost, so the total cost went up.
But I was prepared when I called Shamcast because of my experience with DirectFuckMe. When Shamcast inquired why I was canceling, I answered, I am giving away all my belongings and entering a convent.
He said he didn't even know there were convents in the United States anymore. I assured him there were.
He said I was due for a refund.
No argument.
Problem solved.
I'm going to use the entering a convent excuse from now on.
In fact, afterwards I felt so freaking brilliant I'm surprised my head could fit through the door.
Infinities of love and nunneries,
Lola
P.S. AT&T also gave me a $200 rebate for getting the U-Verse package, which more than covers the cost of the $60 I still owe DirectFuckMe for canceling my contract with them.
Monday, June 20, 2011
MORE ME 'N MY GEE PEE ESS
Gentle Readers,
After posting ME 'N MY GEE PEE ESS last week, I received an email from my beloved LegalMist, telling me she had tried to comment on that post and had been unable to do so. Apparently, blogger is still having commentary problems.
So, I'm going to post her comment here, because you really should click on the link she provides and read about the murderous Mrs. Tom Tom.
Thus, from LegalMist:
I love my GPS, "Mrs. Tom Tom," too...
... even though she tried to kill me once:
http://legalmist.blogspot.com/
Then again, it was probably all my fault for not following her directions properly in the first place.
Or maybe she's just a vengeful bitch.
After posting ME 'N MY GEE PEE ESS last week, I received an email from my beloved LegalMist, telling me she had tried to comment on that post and had been unable to do so. Apparently, blogger is still having commentary problems.
So, I'm going to post her comment here, because you really should click on the link she provides and read about the murderous Mrs. Tom Tom.
Thus, from LegalMist:
I love my GPS, "Mrs. Tom Tom," too...
... even though she tried to kill me once:
http://legalmist.blogspot.com/
Then again, it was probably all my fault for not following her directions properly in the first place.
Or maybe she's just a vengeful bitch.
I know of another case of attempted murder by a GPS. I used to work with someone who retired and took off on a celebratory car trip with her husband. They were in a rather remote area and not sure what to do. So, they obeyed the GPS and ended up off the road with their vehicle in tatters. No cell phone service. Heat during the day. Freezing at night. No one in sight. Food and drink stores depleted.
They decided they had to try to walk out to save their lives. Eventually some motorcyclists came upon them and rescued them. They were covered in insect bites and their lips were so swollen they couldn't eat the little bit of food they had left.
Hospital. Recovery ensued.
They decided never to obey the GPS unquestioningly again and to always keep friends and family apprised of their whereabouts and when their arrival should be expected.
I guess all I have to say now is watch out for your GPS because the sweet little lady in it might be a killer in disguise.
My new cell phone has a navigation feature, which I have used once so far. Ms. ATT was quite pleasant.
But I haven't yet angered her.
I'll be very careful with Ms. ATT.
Infinities of love and care,
Lola
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
HAPPY TIMES FOR CATHERINE
O.K., Gentle Readers, don't even try to tell me that the first thought in Catherine's head when she found out her elderly husband has cancer wasn't Oh Thank God, old Crag Face will be off the viagra for a while and I won't have to look up and see all those valleys among the mountains.
Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, am I spelling your name correctly or are you Katherine? I figured typing it over and over might give me a clue.
Now where was I?
Yes, the train is back on the rails.
Catherine, do not feel guilty. Your husband will probably live forever, just like his dad who had a stroke a million years ago and has hung around ever since.
I often wished my husband dead but damn it, it's the beautiful, talented wealthy women who have all the luck, not poor little broken-backed Lola.
Infinities of love,
Lola
Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, am I spelling your name correctly or are you Katherine? I figured typing it over and over might give me a clue.
Now where was I?
Yes, the train is back on the rails.
Catherine, do not feel guilty. Your husband will probably live forever, just like his dad who had a stroke a million years ago and has hung around ever since.
I often wished my husband dead but damn it, it's the beautiful, talented wealthy women who have all the luck, not poor little broken-backed Lola.
Infinities of love,
Lola
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