AND THE WIENER IS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's time for the big announcement. Which poor soul will be the next to possess the germy, buggy, stinky,  Freakin' Green Elf Shorts? Your home will be contaminated. You will be infected. Your life will never again be the same.

The winner, of course, will hold next year's Freakin' Green Elf Shorts caption contest--if they survive the blight that will come their way the moment the shorts enter their home. 

I loved all your entries. They were excellent. 

My favorite overall comment was Michael's because his entry was the first one–– "I will make America great again, even though I have a very, very, very small package."––and because he shared some great news. Michael adopted a dog named Shirley! What a happy Christmas it will be for Shirley.

Elephant's Child shared this creation: I am your perfect diet. With me in the house you won't eat too much over Christmas. Or keep it down.

That's for sure, EC. I lose my appetite every time I see his orangeness on the news.

Inexplicable DeVice didn't enter but came up with these captions: Penelope: "Nope. Not even going to look. Just walk on by, girl. Walk on by." and "Urgh. Somebody Trumped in the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts - there's no way I want them now!"

Penelope's comment made me laugh out loud. 

Mistress Maddie, a recent winner, says, "These things are harder to get rid of then trying to get the demon out of Regan MacNeil in the Exorcist."

I hope that doesn't mean my head will spin around and I'll vomit all sorts of garbage before I get the shorts out of my house.

savannah came up with this suggestion for the donald: "I've never worn these FGES but if I did I would look as handsome as the photo of me wearing these FGES." So sayeth TFG! (aka The Fat Git) 

The Fat Git, of course, is the guy who gets to report his own height and weight to the police and claims to weigh 215 lbs. on a steady diet of Mickey D's and KFC. I wonder if he's ever met a vegetable.

Debra She Who Seeks speaks the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth:"No matter how disgusting, stinky, vermin-ridden and pestilential those Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are, they are TOO GOOD for the likes of him!"

Speaking of the truth, in the years he has left to live, which I hope are few, do you think his trumpiness might at some point be introduced to the truth? This is the moment for Jack Nicholson to bray, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. You're right, Jack. He can't. If telling the truth is easier and simpler, he'll still tell a lie. 

Now we come to the coveted position of first runner-up. If the winner for some reason cannot fulfill their term as Miss America, the first runner-up needs to step in to take possession of the elf shorts and hold the caption contest. That person is YOU, uptonking,  who wins first runner-up with this entry: 

Donald Trump proudly presents his new line of athletic wear: The Krampus Collection, featuring the latest in fashion technology - The Grinch Pinch. Yes, Grab 'em by the Grinch! Feel it today! Available at finer retail outlets like Walmart, Shopko and Cum 'N Go.

Donald Trump Athletic Wear is a great oxymoron, and I can't resist the mention of Cum 'N Go because I have the brain and sense of humor of a six year old. 

Finally, we arrive at the announcement of the wiener.

CONGRATULATIONS, RIMPY RIMPINGTON!

Rimpy Rimpington entered more than once so I won't share all of their captions here, only the winning entry. To read all of Rimpy's clever entries, check out the comments at https://dumpedfirstwife.blogspot.com/2023/12/its-time-for-freakin-green-elf-shorts.html#comment-form.

Here's the winner that's good for one pair of FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS and all the mayhem and misery that comes with them:

The shelves where he kept our nation's secrets are bare;

For that Grinchly Jack Smith had just been there.

I love seeing the name of superhero Jack Smith, and I'm passionate about calling attention to the former guy's penchant for giving away classified information. The man cannot keep his mouth shut!

Rimpy, you'll need to email me at dumpedfirstwife@gmail.com to let me know your name (I suspect it might not be Rimpy) and address. I won't be shipping the shorts until my holiday celebrations have come to an end and I've recovered from the current craziness of my job. 

It's been fun! Thank you for your entries. You're all clever and creative.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug