Wednesday, May 24, 2017

WHAT DO NINE-YEAR-OLD BOYS DO WHEN THEY'RE HOME ALONE?

This post is Part II of a series that began with TWO NINE-YEAR-OLD BOYS.


Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

What do two nine-year-old boys do when they're home alone?

They scream and climb on things. Then they shout and climb. Then they yell and climb.

It's noisy; get the point?

The climbing includes climbing trees and climbing on whatever happens to be in their backyard that allows them to look in their neighbors' windows. They are such climbers that I can see them from the waist up above my privacy fence, which is seven-feet tall.

not my adorable little neighbor

Their worst climbing is when they clamber up on the crappy shed in their crappy backyard, jump to the roof of my garage (which has asbestos shingles so just wait until you learn about mesothelioma, boys), and then drop down in my backyard. I did not witness this particular climb. My neighbor saw it, and I don't know how they got out of the yard because my gate was still chained and the ladder was not removed from its spot in the garage.

Remember No Country For Old Men?
"MY" nine-year-old boys will grow up to be this guy.

They also like to throw things. Throwing started with them tossing toys into my backyard. I thought the toys had come over the fence by accident when they were playing, so I tossed them back. A few hours later, the toys would be in my yard again. So I gave up on that and let the dogs chew on the safe toys. Unsafe toys went in the garbage can.

"My" nine-year-old boys can be food-throwers at times. I guess this happens when they have something for supper that they don't like, although God only knows who prepares their meals since no adults live in the house. One evening I found numerous slices of fresh cucumber in my backyard. My brilliant mind deduced that their meal had included cucumber in a salad. I don't want the dogs to eat the food because it might be poisoned, which I think could be true because if I cooked for those kids I would poison their food.

So I cleaned up the cucumber. The next evening the cucumber magically replaced itself in my yard. Left-overs for supper, I thought.


The two-nine-year-old boys don't limit themselves to throwing toys and food. They have become more aggressive, perhaps because of the lack of cucumber in their diets. They throw things AT the fence. The largest items appeared to be big, clunky pieces of firewood.

That made quite the smacking sound, which frightened Franklin and Penelope. I wouldn't be worried about what two nine-year-old boys do when they're home alone except for these three reasons:


  1. They might injure themselves on my property and their non-existent parents could blame me and even sue me. Because they are home alone, if I saw that they were injured, I would feel as a reasonable person that I should use my prodigious first-aid skills to help them by handing them band-aids and screaming at them to go call an ambulance for themselves.
  2. I'm concerned about property damage. Sooner or later, they will throw something at the fence that damages it and breaks it down. Then Franklin and Penelope will not have a secure yard, and I'll have to make a big fuss to get the damage repaired.
  3. They scare Franklin and Penelope. Franklin barks at them, which leads to them barking back at him because they aren't really nine-year-old boys; they are feral dogs. Although Franklin makes a valiant effort to protect his yard, they frighten him. So he runs inside and doesn't get to enjoy his yard during rare nice weather. Poor Penelope is terrified of her neighbors to the point that she won't go out if they are out. This problem leads to hours of Penelope crossing her legs because she needs to pee. She trembles, hides behind my chair, and turns into a pitiful sight.
Penelope crosses her legs much tighter than
Mona Lisa after four drinks and does not look this relaxed.

Now the question becomes: what does one do about two nine-year-old boys who are at home alone?



Here come the words you adore: to be continued, but you should blame yourself for this to-be- continued-thing because so many of you read my to be continued stuff about the dentist who stopped accepting my insurance. So there.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

45 comments:

  1. Hi Janie - neighbours can be worrying: these two sound difficult to put it mildly. Good luck ... cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not to worry. I handled it, as you'll learn in some future installment.

      Delete
  2. Holy terrors! I have a 10 year old boy and would have lost my mind on him had he been throwing anything at the fence like firewood. But then, my boy knows manners, discipline, and respect...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then you are a good parent who is not on the carousel of smoking and talking on a cell phone.

      Delete
  3. Wait, are we being "blamed" for something? I was/am enjoying this series (despite the anxiety it gives me, I feel your pain, Penelope), so why am I blaming myself? I san't! I shall instead congratulate myself, thank me very much.
    You don't seriously have "asbestos shingles" do you? How old could your roof possibly be? Wouldn't you have had to replace the roof in the past 30 years?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why would you be blamed for something? My garage is detached, and it's in the backyard. It really does have asbestos shingles. I've lived here almost eight years. I had to replace the roof on the house last summer, but I wasn't required to replace the roof on the garage. I don't know how old it is, but the asbestos seems to be holding up nicely.

      Delete
  4. I would have a conversation with the parents. Tell them you installed web cams around your house and if they come in your yard again you will kill them, feed them to your dogs, and sell the footage to Asian snuff freaks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Asian snuff freaks? Why, Mr. Watson! How very shocking.

      Delete
  5. Sounds like my 9 year old neighbor too! Boys, gotta love them.

    Love,
    Jessica

    ReplyDelete
  6. I want to believe you have a solution, and I can wait to hear it--but not for long.

    ReplyDelete
  7. How awful to have those terrors living behind you, Janie. I feel sorry for the dogs, especially Penelope. Mona Lisa has nice legs! LOL I know you're going to let the little bastards have it, aren't you? Can't wait to find out how! The crown fits you well. ☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Mona Lisa has such nice legs that I wish they were mine. I don't want to be as old as she is, though. I'll let the little bastard have it, all right. You can annoy me and get away with it, but you're not allowed to frighten my dogs. The crown fits well because I wear it so often.

      Delete
  8. I would've called the police long before now, "now" being the point you've brought us to in your story so far.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hang in there. Eventually, you'll get more information.

      Delete
  9. I would be going nuts. First of all, I'm not a kid person. Then there's the issue of getting really pissed off when people mess with my stuff. And I would go ballistic if someone breached my fence and ended up in my secure backyard! Oh, I would so hate having neighbors like that!
    The really scary thing is the food being thrown over the fence. You are right to be concerned about the food being poisoned. Just last week there was a news report about a neighborhood near here that has been experiencing several dog poisonings because someone is apparently tossing poisoned meatballs into the backyards of people who have dogs. So sick!
    So yeah I'd be really on guard with those 9 yr old boys.
    And then there's the retaliation factor that has to be considered. Say you track down the parents and complain. Then you have to worry about either the boys retaliating and doing even worse to your property which could endanger your dogs OR the parents end up being worse than the kids and then you might be dealing with evil scum!
    So what do you do??

    Can't wait for the continuation!

    Michele at Angels Bark

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Willy Dunne Wooters agreed that the food might be poisoned. I didn't lick it to find out. It went straight in the garbage can for the rats to eat. A solution to the problem will be presented henceforth.

      Delete
  10. First of all I would contact the authorities letting them know two shitheads are left unattended. Then, for nine year olds, I suggest a 22 rifle with a scope and hollow point shells. Two shots and your problem is solved... unless they are lined up so that one shot could eliminate the both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I laughed so hard at eliminating both with one shot.

      Delete
  11. Sadly, I would tell them they had best leave me and my dogs and my yard, garage, and house alone and quiet down or I would report their parents for leaving them alone and the authorities would come and take them away.

    Of course, a lady called our house when I was about nine to tell me that if my mother left us home alone again she was going to call the authorities, etc (we were probably loud on occasion but not destructive--just neglected), I told my mom, and she just laughed and told me "no one is going to come and take you away". No one did. But it sure kept us in the house for a good week or two. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were "home alone" a lot. We fought with each other, but we didn't get into trouble outside. I would have been terrified if someone had threatened me like that, but I think most of the kids in our neighborhood were often unsupervised.

      Delete
  12. Oh My Goodness.... I can not wait to read more.
    When I lived by the Ocean in Laguna Beach my front and back yard had parking.
    So every morning and evening I would have to check out what trash was thrown over my high fence in the back yard. KFC boxes filled with chicken bones, hamburger papers, cans, jars, dirty diapers and the worst needles and syringes. I was so worried about my dogs. I had a beautiful yard and fence and people used it as a garbage can. I really do not like people they are usually very lazy, stupid and very entitled. The car alarms where the worst.
    cheers, parsnip

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How awful! That's much worse than what I found in my yard.

      Delete
  13. I have to see how this ends. I have a feeling you'll tell us the parents died and the boys ate them....

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'd talk to the parents which will probably fall on deaf ears and then call child protection services. If that fails, electrify the fence and lets see how shocking that may be to those future prisoners who will be made to bend down and pick up the soap

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know how to electrify a wood fence, but that's a great idea. If they start their climbing again when my son is here, that will put the fear of God in them.

      Delete
  15. I am anxiously awaiting part 3!
    I feel very lucky. We are the older ducks in a neighborhood filled with kids. They do play football in my side yard because I have the best football yard in the entire neighborhood, but they have our permission so it is all good. They are respectful kids and their parents would be horrified is they acted any other way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't mind having kids play in my front yard if they asked permission and were well behaved, but we have a neighborhood park with plenty of room to play all sorts of games.

      Delete
  16. Isn't there a law saying two nine year old terrors are not to be home alone, they sound like right little bastards, damn I am becoming a cranky old bitch...............lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then we shall be cranky old bitches together.

      Delete
  17. This post was hilarious.
    I seriously feel for you and am extremely thankful they aren't my neighbors...though we do have a few colorful characters of our own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It takes all kinds to make a world.

      Delete
  18. Climbing, throwing, and shouting... why is it not legal to own a monkey, I wonder?
    My father told me his mother would walk out of the house telling him not to mix herring with chocolate while she was away. I suppose that was the worst thing she could imagine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish that could be the worst thing I imagine. I don't remember my parents ever telling us not to do something when they went out.

      Delete
  19. I'm relieved you said you found a solution. It makes the wait to find out what it was MUCH easier! I feel so sorry for Franklin and Penelope. Which may be unnecessary now since you found a solution, but still.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Although I found a solution, it's a rare day when Franklin and Penelope aren't frightened by something. It could be a neighbor hammering in a nail or a clap of thunder or a noisy car.

      Delete
  20. They sound like a nightmare, although the parents are the ones to truly blame. Still. I hope you found a solution to this annoying problem. Do you have cameras installed around your property? Good evidence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do have cameras, but Franklin and Penelope make the best witnesses. They know all and see all.

      Delete
  21. You're right again... Those are the words I adore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even though you have to wait until Wednesday to find out what I did to the little darlings?

      Delete
  22. Obviously, you killed them. That's the only solution I can see!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Good golly! What happened to making sure to keep quiet so you'd be allowed to stay home alone again someday?!

    ReplyDelete

Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.