Sunday evening Willy Dunne Wooters and I watched the season finale of Last Tango In Halifax, a romantic show on PBS that we love (WDW says we are just like the main characters). Then we stopped by the bedroom for a visit, just to make sure it hadn't disappeared as rooms sometimes do. After that, we cuddled on the couch in the living room as we said goodnight.
Suddenly I saw a ginormous, gihugic palmetto bug hanging around just below the edge of the fireplace mantel. I squealed and pointed. Willy Dunne Wooters said, Good God, that's a big one (I, too, had made that statement when we checked on the status of the bedroom).
I ran to get one of my yellow shoes, the yellow shoes I don't like very much because they aren't a true yellow. They're mustard.
I used the yellow shoe to try to smack the palmetto bug. The bastard escaped (they always do at first; they like to create a real competition in the area of Person v. Palmetto Bug) and ran up the wall and hid under a plate that's hanging above the mantel.
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| See the plate with pink roses above the other plate? He was hiding under the higher plate.
I can't take down the plate to hit the bug, I wailed. Why not? asked WDW.
I'm afraid I'll drop it and break it, I wailed, and my great grandmother brought that plate with her when my family left Norway to live in the U.S. That plate is a Norwegian antique. So is the one under it.
I'll get the bug spray, said Willy Dunne Wooters. Where's the bug spray?
It's on the cart at the back door where I keep the cleaning supplies, I wailed (lots of wailing in this post). But we can't get the spray on the plate. It could damage the plate and my great grandmother brought it to the U.S. from Norway.
Keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't escape, said Willy Dunne Wooters.
Then I heard all this fumbling around with the cleaning supplies on the cart at the back door, while I stared at the plate and saw an antenna poke out just a tiny bit at the top of the plate.
Willy Dunne Wooters returned. I can't find the bug spray, said Willy Dunne Wooters.
Jesus Christ, I wailed. I gave him the mustard shoe and went to get the bug spray.
See the big red and white container on the top shelf?
It has a spraying wand on the side that resembles a bright red penis.
That's the bug spray Willy Dunne Wooters couldn't find.
I guess I shouldn't expect much.
He is the man who complained that my glass cleaner was
absolutely worthless when he was actually trying to clean
his glasses with laundry stain remover.
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Finally the bastard scooted out and headed for the safety of the ceiling. Willy Dunne Wooters stood on my cedar chest, which lives in front of the fireplace that I don't use, and smacked the hell out of the palmetto bug. He hit that m#f! so hard that palmetto guts splattered the wall.
I'm sorry this photo is kind of dark.
Can you see the cedar chest in front of the fireplace?
It has a tapestry on top of it.
I was pretty darn impressed with the way that my WDW
jumped up there and smacked the palmetto bug
with the mustard shoe.
The late Mr. Palmetto fell on the mantel. I scooped him up with some toilet paper and flushed him. And, yes, I wailed the entire time.
Wooters + Junebug = 100 points
Palmetto Bastard = 0 points
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
I bet that was a sight to see... two naked people chasing a bug across the wall. And did you go back to the bedroom for a victory screw? Victory in combat is a turn-on.
ReplyDeleteWe were not naked. You just want to imagine it that way. After we murdered Mr. Palmetto, it was midnight and time for WDW to go home. He had to go to work in the morning.
DeleteHa! Wooter and Junebug are my new heroes! Take that Palmetto Bastard!
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet Katherine.
DeleteI've finally figured out why WDW doesn't clean. It's because he doesn't know anything about cleaning supplies! The poor boy has no idea what anything is and he's probably scared to be judged about it.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have to make sure that the bedroom doesn't just disappear. After my boyfriend and I got back from a movie last night, we rushed to the room to make sure nobody had stolen it while we were gone. It was right where we left it, thankfully.
Thank God your room didn't run away while you were out. I think WDW has trouble because he can't read the labels. His sight seems to be worse than mine, and that's saying something. His driving terrifies me. If I am killed in a car accident, you will know the reason. I have offered to drive. He always says no. A few days ago he went around a sharp curve so fast that I squealed, and not out of enjoyment. He said, Boy, you wouldn't be any fun at the amusement park.
DeleteIs not mustard the truest of yellows? Is it not the yellow of nature? God, I love mustard. Would not the bug spray have killed the bug given enough time, thus torturing it to death? Perhaps you are not that sadistic.
ReplyDeleteNo, mustard is not true yellow. That's why it's called mustard and not called yellow. Those bugs are so tough that the only way to kill them with bug spray is to drown them in it. The presence of the spray helps drive them out of their hiding places so we can SMACK THE HELL out of them. Oh, God, shouting that felt so good.
DeleteI would definitely be in your same state of mind chasing a bug. I had to look up the name to see what it was, then I was even more freaked out.
ReplyDeleteAfter I saw my first palmetto bug, I googled it and it said American cockroach. They are so much more than cockroaches. They can fly.
DeleteThis sounds like a story Mrs, Chatterbox could relate to. She detests bugs and always seems to encounter them.
ReplyDeleteSince she detests them, as do I, she's probably hyper aware of them, as am I.
DeleteI'll sleep better tonight knowing that there is one less palmetto bastard in the world.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't. He was replaced by an entire regiment.
DeleteLOL! I hate those bugs. HATE THEM. We keep an annual service so we don't have to deal with them, hopefully. Here's to shoes and bug spray! And you, of course.
ReplyDeleteWe encounter one or two/month in the house during the hot months. If I had a more serious problem, I would hire an exterminator. What I really hate is when I let the dogs out after dark and I see multiple palmettos playing on my deck.
DeleteIn WDW's defense, I always thought that particular bug spray looked like weed killer. I don't squish bugs. Especially ones that huge. Makes me shiver to think about it.
ReplyDeleteIt's darn near impossible to kill a palmetto without smacking it. It takes a huge puddle of bug spray to kill them, and I think it's because they drown in it. I keep my weed killer in the garage, and WDW knows it. He was so nervous about the bug that he couldn't see what was right in front of him. The bugs freak him out even more than they do me. It was quite impressive, though, when he leaped on the cedar chest to smack the palmetto. He should have been a ballet dancer. A very chubby, short ballet dancer.
DeleteGood for you guys! I am NOT a fan of Palmetto bugs. Our older son moved to Florida years ago, and then moved back in with us for a brief while until he got a new place in our area. Our darling boy brought an infestation of Palmetto bugs with him. They were living inside his coffee table. Talk about a gift that kept giving. YUK. To me, those SOBS are nothing but roaches on steroids.
ReplyDeleteYes, they are gigantic flying roaches. If one hasn't seen them, I don't think one can imagine that such a hideous creature exists. No wonder they are supposed to be able to survive nuclear war.
DeleteI HATE THOSE SUCKERS!!!!! Years ago a roommate of mine grabbed one of those suckers with tongs....yup tongs, and dropped it down the garbage disposal... CRUNCH CRUCH CRUNCH... I laughed evilly..... LOL.
ReplyDeleteI'm quite impressed that he got one with tongs. They move so fast.
DeleteI hate those flying ugly mothers with a passion. I got up to pee in the night a few weeks ago and one was crawling up my leg. I swear it was 3 inches long. I can assure you I had to mop the floor because I jumped up off that toilet so fast....lol. Glad you're doing well otherwise.
ReplyDeleteSam, who cares for my golden tresses once found a palmetto in her long hair. She was outside and felt something move. One evening I was watching TV and looked down to see a lizard walking across the front of my nightgown.
DeleteI laughed all the way through this. Palmetto Bug is history, and the Norwegian Antique Plate is saved! WDW can bask in glory :)
ReplyDeleteThe thought of you laughing makes me happy because you are so nice and I admire your pretty face so much.
DeleteBelieve it or not, we never had palmettos when I lived in FL... lizards YES!!!, but palmettos... not a one.
ReplyDeleteI get the occasional lizard in the house. They move really fast, too. Sometimes they get lost in the house and I find their dried up carcasses later. Mrs. Roomba sucked up one recently.
DeleteJanie, you belong on the stage!
ReplyDeletePoor bug, lucky plates.
'Last Tango in Halifax'!? Right up my alley, so to speak. Will have to look this up.
When I saw the title of the show I thought the setting would be your Halifax, but I soon learned that England has a Halifax and that's where the show is set. Willy Dunne Wooters read that they often shoot on location. It's very pretty, but I suspect your Halifax is even prettier with all the beautiful water and beaches.
DeleteA Palmetto but by any other name is still a roach. I hate roaches! If I ever saw one flying, I would be shrieking all over the house. I wish I had a WDW to kill roaches. Hairspray works on them, too.
ReplyDeleteWDW probably does not clean because he cleans with the wrong stuff, nothing gets clean, so he has given up cleaning.
I usually have to kill my own palmetto bugs and lizards, but it's nice when WDW is here to help.
DeleteYou are too much this was a great laugh for my morning. Good job on the bug hunt and yes it impressive he literally jumped to your rescue.
ReplyDeleteWDW is a hoot. I also had a problem with a curtain rod. When he fixed it for me I found him with one foot on the piano and the other foot on the step stool. For a kind of chubby little guy he can really climb around.
DeleteDang, we must be related. I've got the exact same antique plate the bug hid under (the top one over your mantle). My maternal grandfather's folks emigrated here from Lillehammer, Norway.
ReplyDeleteForgive my Left Coast ignorance, is a Palmetto bug like the icon in your gravatar (Computer ignorance, may be called something else)? You know, that pink feathery thing.
My two antique plates were part of a set of seven. Sadly, my mother split them up among us when she died. I have two because one belongs to The Hurricane. The pink thing is a flower and feathers that I sometimes wear in my hair. A palmetto bug is a gigantic flying cockroach. Palmetto bugs are not pink, and I prefer not to have them anywhere near my hair.
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