Monday, August 27, 2012

THE BIG DATE

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I know you're all dying to find out what happened with the big date on Saturday, and I'm ready to fill you in.

First, I should tell you who he is. Please stay calm as he is a rather wealthy celebrity.

He is Elvis Aaron Schwarz of the East Hampton Schwarzes. Try not to be too impressed. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like the rest of us (at least I think he does).

How did I meet him? I finally gave in and tried a dating site. I couldn't resist him when I saw his photo:
Elvis Aaron Schwarz of the East Hampton Schwarzes

Because Elvis is so good looking, women follow him  in droves.  Since I will not share my man,  he very generously traveled incognito. Therefore, when we met, he looked like this:

Sorry the picture is out of focus. I was so excited to meet him that my hands were shaking when I took his photo.

Elvis explained to me that he leads the exciting life of a wealthy celebrity. He drives a pick-up truck, takes care of his dog, goes to work, goes to church, and attends family gatherings. He also helps his sister a lot.

I am a lucky woman.

Now, for the date itself. I think I will tell you about it by answering the questions asked in her comment by our dear friend Peaches (http://conceivewriting.blogspot.com/), the author of the soon-to-be-released book, Day Laughs, Night Cries.

Here are the questions and my answers:

Peaches: Were you nervous?

I was nervous until I saw him and he gave me a nice hug and grabbed my crotch. I felt safe and secure in his arms, and I was extremely grateful I had gone commando.

Peaches: Did he pass gas or did you?

I was a little gassy, but I think I fooled him. I held my nose and shouted, I think the baby at the next table has a dirty diaper. The baby's mom gave me a nasty look, but for heaven's sake, I couldn't allow a wealthy celebrity to think I fart.

Peaches: Did you take him home or did he ask you to go home with him?

I brought him home because he promised to wash all the windows. I can now see out of them because the dog drool has been wiped away. Those windows are streak free. He also knows how to sew. He repaired my torn sweater and reupholstered my dining room chairs. I know that's a lot for a first date, but he had to prove he is worthy of crotch grabbing.

Peaches: Did he talk on his cell phone?

No. However, I received a call from a friend (we'll call her Elisa though that's not her name). Elisa needed to know why microwave ovens don't work when the electricity is off, how to remove her facial hair, and why Dr. Jones refuses to be potty trained. We chatted for about 30 minutes while I answered Elisa's questions, and Elvis waited quite patiently.

Peaches: What about Pickles?

Do you mean Pickles Feldman, the singer, or Elvis's ex-wife, Pickles Aaron Schwarz? If you mean the singer, her music was playing the entire time we were in the restaurant because she's a great favorite in Jacksonville. If you mean the ex-wife, she has moved away and we do not need to discuss exes, including Dr.  . . . what was his name again?

I think it's safe to say that it was a good first date. He is thoughtful and has a great sense of humor. He loves to read and he loves words (the way to my heart). After lunch, we wandered around in an antique store. He calls to let me know when he arrives safely at home, and he checks on me to make sure I'm o.k. It's pretty cool that he loves dogs, and only has rescued dogs.

Stephanola, he just might be a Rudolph.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

P.S. I'm sorry I'm not visiting blogs every day. I continue to read, write, and edit -- and I love every minute of it.


47 comments:

  1. OMG, this is too funny. Did you notice that your guy looks a lot like Johnny Depp? Must be a coincidence, I'm sure. He sounds dreamy, I'm sure you'll have plenty of great dates with your man. :)

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    1. Isn't the resemblance to Johnny absolutely shocking? I saw that photo and thought, He will be mine. Oh, yes. He will be mine.

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  2. sounds like a sweet date ;) hope there are fun follow-ups!

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    1. I suspect we'll see each other again. And again.

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  3. Ditch the wealthy celebrity, flirt with the guy who loves dogs.

    ;)

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    1. Believe me, Suz, I value your advice. It's working.

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  4. The bottom line is...did you get your cookie crumbled?

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  5. Hello Janie, I think it is wonderfully great. I wonder if you showed him your wonderful sense of humour :)

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    1. That's so sweet, oceangirl, but I think he's funnier than I am.

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  6. Oh, no, I'm still not satisfied, but I'm glad you answered my questions. I'm still hanging on a clothes line waiting for more.

    I'm glad you passed gas, though, it tells me that your body is functioning well. Once, when I had a major surgery, the hospital mandated that I pass gas before giving me anything to eat.

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  7. Where did you go, was it a meal or a drink?

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    1. It was a meal at a soup and sandwich type of place. We have agreed we might share a bottle of wine that I have in my cabinet.

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  8. Dear Janie, well you know what "they" say--beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I suppose charm and wit and possibility are also in those eyes. I do hope that the date appreciated your sense of the ridiculous! Peace.

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    1. He not only appreciated my sense of the ridiculous -- he shares it! He's a riot, Dee.

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  9. I am upset that I had to find out this way, versus an email from you. I want details....minus the crotch grabbing, since that'a a given.

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    1. I'm afraid I have very few details. He is truly a nice man. I'll let you know more as I get to know him.

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  10. Whoo Hoo! Yay for you! And I hope he's a Rudolph...they're the best kind. Mine fixed my garage roof, a window that leaks when it rains, picked up a dead bird from my walkway (so I wouldn't have to) and took me to a Journey concert this past weekend. All that and he's the BEST kisser!
    Loved the infusion of humor into this post.
    Now go put some panties on....

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    1. I'm not wearing underwear! Elvis is a good kisser, too, or so I've heard. I certainly wouldn't kiss a man a mere hour after meeting him.

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  11. Relieved to hear that everything went so well! I hope I don't sound racist, but see what can happen when you date members of your own species?

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  12. well he has a great name in Elvis - I'm still trying to convince the wife that our next kid should be called Elvis

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    1. You shouldn't name your child Elvis unless your last name is Schwarz.

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  13. Every day? I just thought you were PO'd at me! Glad to know you're OK.

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    1. I am PO'd at you. I just can't remember why. So there!

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  14. OMG! So that is what happened to our Elvis!
    Tell him to get his lazy ass back here now! {Johnny you can borrow for a while}

    And actually, we REALLY have an Elvis Love who lives here...how weird is that!

    Hope you had a great time!

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    1. Elvis Love has to be one of the best names I've ever heard, Megan.

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  15. You are such a hoot! I hope he is truly a nice man and you find out if he's a keeper or not. If not, now you know where to find you some more. ;)

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    1. Actually, I don't think I know where to find more. I think most of the men on the dating site are scammers. I'll probably write a post about it sometime. Right now, I think Elvis is one in a million.

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  16. He sounds so awesome--almost as awesome as this woman who you're calling Elisa ;)

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  17. Good for you! Sounds like you had a good time. Any man who can make you laugh and who knows how to treat an animal with kindness is AOK in my book.

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  18. This is one of your funniest posts. I can't wait for Part Three. I'm very nosy/curious.

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    1. We'll have to see what happens with each new day, my Peaches.

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  19. Well fine then! I guess I'll stop grooming my son for you. :)

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    1. Well, all right. I didn't want to go to jail for dating your son anyway.

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  20. So glad it went well.
    www.thoughtsofpaps.com

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  21. These are some great books. Right now I dont even have the time to read anything other than blogs:)
    www.thoughtsofpaps.com

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    1. Reading blogs is great, too. I always appreciate your visits.

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  22. This is exciting! Glad to hear the first day went well and that you got a clean window bonus.

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  23. Wow, I'm not around for a couple of weeks and you are getting crotch grabbed by a celeb date!?! *sniff* I'm so proud!!! ;) Glad to hear it went and if he washed your windows, marry him now! (or just lock him in your closet and let him out on a chain whenever you need housework done)

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Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.