SWAN TOURIST

Gentle Readers,

Before we talk movies, we must again talk followers. The lovely Mrs. Tuna from Working Woman's Guide to Dinner or If I Cook Chicken A La King One More Time I'll Kill Myself has joined our merry band of followers. I believe you will find Mrs. Tuna to be absolutely charming. I cannot resist a woman who not only writes an amusing blog but also provides a recipe. Furthermore, the recipes look pretty easy and delicious. I can't wait to try some. AND Mrs. Tuna's profile photo is that of an adorable dog. 'Nuff said.

But now, we're off to the show. I have for your consideration two movies fairly new to DVD. Let's begin with Black Swan, which is easy. Don't bother with it. Your Lola watched it for you so you needn't waste your precious time on it.

Remember when I worried that my dear Annette Bening might be cheated out of an Oscar for The Kids Are All Right? Well, Annette wasn't merely cheated. She was totally ripped off. Anybody can play a psycho paranoid delusional ballerina as Natalie Portman does in Black Swan, but not just anyone can create a sensitive and subtle portrayal as a woman whose partner has cheated on her with the sperm-donor father of their two children as Annette does in The Kids Are All Right.

I really detested Black Swan as it reached its climax and pretty much turned into a freak show. I also disliked Barbara Hershey's extremely unpleasant whining whimpering control-freak mother act.

Have you been scratching yourself again? What a disgusting habit. Get over here. Even though you are an adult and a success at what you do and I'm a failure I'm going to make up for my inadequacy by controlling you and living through you. I'm going to cut your fingernails and then when you look to the side of your bedroom while masturbating you will see me asleep in the chair! No privacy for you, bitch.

Yuck! Took me back to the old days when I was a ballerina and people always hung out in my room while I masturbated. We ballerinas get no respect and no privacy. Thank God I gave up the world of dance in favor of blogging.

Pleasantly, our second movie turned out to be a light comedy that I enjoyed immensely. I don't think The Tourist was a big success critically or commercially, but I loved it and I recommend it highly. Although it's a light comedy, don't turn off your brain. It has all sorts of interesting twists and turns and lovely scenery, including my husband-to-be, Johnny Depp.

Angelina Jolie is as beautiful as ever. How many kids does that woman have now? They certainly don't keep her from looking great.

I'll tell you the beginning of the plot, but I can't say too much because it's very important to let the movie unfold naturally. Johnny Depp plays a -- guess what? -- tourist named Frank Tupelo who teaches at a community college. Then he meets a beautiful woman on a train, and she is played by the ravishing Angelina.

Before Frank Tupelo knows what bit his balls he's involved in intrigue and chases and a little violence, but it's all good, Mama. It's fun and not frightening. Johnny and Angelina don't have quite the chemistry that Angelina and her beloved Brad had in Mr. and Mrs. Smith (love that movie), but Johnny and Angelina still work well together. Johnny can't help it if he's not Brad. Actually, I like Johnny better. Johnny and I have THE BEST chemistry in the world. He just doesn't know it yet.

But I really like The Tourist. It's a great DVD to watch when you want to relax but not be so relaxed that you have nothing to think about and no plot to follow.

Now I bid you a fond farewell, but not without saying welcome, welcome, welcome, Mrs. Tuna.

Infinities of love,

Lola