Tuesday, September 29, 2015

WELCOME TO LIARS ANONYMOUS

Hi! My name is Janie Junebug, and I'm a liar.

Yesterday we talked about some people who tell lies so amazing that it's  . . . amazing. Some of us confessed to lying. Now I want to convene this meeting of Liars Anonymous by saying, Hi! My name is Janie Junebug, and I'm a liar.

I lie a lot, and most of it is on this blog. It's part of my shtick. Especially hyperbole.

Not long ago, one of the young servers at the neighborhood diner (yes, it opened back up with a different name, in case I forgot to tell you) told me that she said to the other servers, I want to be Janie when I grow up because everything with Janie is larger than life.

I think that's cool. Everything is fantastic and fabulous and terrible and terrific in Janieland. Inventing a world? Much more fun than reality. In Janieland, Willy Dunne Wooters looks exactly like Ryan Gosling. In Janieland, we have fun, fun, fun, and Daddy never takes the T-bird away.

Oh, yeah.
Definitely the Wooters man.

Something troubles me a bit. I might write on my blog "this is a lie or a joke," and a number of people seem to think I'm telling the truth. The reality is that you shouldn't believe a word I say. This fantasy land belongs to me, and it makes me happy.



Okay. That was a lie. I tell the truth sometimes. I've been pretty open about my problems with depression and anxiety and how much better I feel now. All true. 

But most of my life I lived a lie. I pretended to love someone I hated because I didn't know how to live otherwise. As the years passed, this person accused me of lying frequently--not huge lies like, Bitch, how could you say you were in New York on 9/11? but stuff like, You said you took everything out of the safety deposit box, but you didn't. I'd try to explain that what I had actually said was that I had taken everything I needed immediately out of the safety deposit box, but nothing was acceptable. I reached the point that if I accidentally said the wrong word I would cry because I knew I was in so much trouble, and the reaction would be terrible.

The person who thought my jokes were funny suddenly pretended to believe I thought my exaggerations were reality so I could be caught in more lies. Lies that were nothing but jokes. The lies made the person furious with me, but later I would hear the person repeat my jokes in a gathering because it was clear all along that they were jokes. 

The reality is that the person who accused me of all this lying is a pathological liar, whose lies became so much a part of life that at times the person didn't know the difference between the truth and a lie--or at least I think the person didn't know. I couldn't crawl inside the person's brain to find out, and I don't want to visit that brain anyway.

This person told me not long ago that I am evil, and I see evil in other people because it's what I am.

It shouldn't hurt, but it does. 

The pathological liar in my life received support from someone else who told such ludicrous lies about me that I would have laughed if I hadn't been traumatized. 

And no one seems to understand that being called a liar is painful to me. Yes, I will lie to you. I will lie because I don't want to hurt your feelings. I won't tell you your idea is stupid because you won't follow through on it anyway, and if you do, then you'll figure out it's stupid. Or maybe I'm wrong, and your idea is brilliant. I will decline the invitation to your party and say I don't feel well when the reality is that I can't face being in a group of people, but it's too hard to explain so I tell this small lie. 

These small lies are kindnesses. 

Aren't they?

Willy Dunne Wooters and I have a good system. We live now. We know the basics of each other's painful pasts. We don't dwell on them. Instead, we talk about politics and we watch a movie and we talk about how much we like stuff and we joke and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh. Then we make love.

The one person with whom I have been the most honest no longer speaks to me. I gushed honesty with this person because for some reason I felt I needed to tell the truth. I don't know why. I guess I sensed the person would find out eventually. Better to find out from me. Maybe I hoped this person wouldn't repeat the mistakes I made. The most important relationship in my life vanished, 
and
it
is 
killing
me.

Oh, there I go again with the hyperbole, but it's not for the sake of comedy. It's because I am so miserable and haunted that I don't know what to do. I won't die. Not now. Probably not for a long time. I just want this person to love me again.

Please, please, please tell me I am not evil because the person who told me I am had so much authority over me for so many years that even though I know it's not true, I'm still scared. Yes, I'm kind of fishing for compliments, but it's closer to falling, and I need you to help me stay on my feet.

Play us out, please, Dogs.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug






I won't be here tomorrow because I need to edit. I plan on returning Thursday, October 1, for The Battle of the Bands. Then on Friday, Franklin wants to make an important announcement. 

44 comments:

  1. Of course you're not evil. You're wonderful! This is your blog and you can do , or say anything you want. This is your safe place. If anyone has a problem with you, send them my way.

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    1. Thank you, but I wouldn't do that to you.

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    1. I like you, too. Blue is my favorite color for decorating houses.

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  3. Yeah, I'm really comfortable (too comfortable) with small, harmless lies that make my life easier without hurting anyone or being used for some nefarious purpose. Sue me.

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    1. Tell me the grounds, please, so I can call my lawyer. And, by the way, what's your income?

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  4. I think a lot of us tell those small lies like saying we're not well so not to have to outright decline the invitation and possibly have to explain the real reason. Or maybe we lie and say something is good or nice or pretty when really we don't think it is. But if we said what we really thought the other person would be...less happy. Or maybe we lie because we know the other person isn't going to take our advice anyway. And nevermind all the exaggerating we all do. It's the big deceits that count in my book. The ones that when you get caught out completely change people's perception of you. It's a betrayal, like the woman who pretended to be a 9/11 survivor. She pretended to be like the others for whatever messed up reasons she had and when they found out they no doubt felt completely betrayed. She was not a survivor like them. She didn't truly understand what they were going through. She was just pretending.

    Sad and strange and crazy that people do these things.

    I am sorry your honesty cost you that relationship and hope that it won't be forever. I think you're a good person and whoever said you were evil obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word.

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    1. Thank you. I hope it's not forever, too, but I'm scared.

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  5. This seems really raw and honest, but you told me not to believe anything you say. But, in the interest of not being a complete monster, I'll err on the side of caution and say, you're not a monster. Normal humans have to tell a few lies in order to spare others' feelings and get through the day and to feel even moderately good about ourselves. There should be another word for lies that are meant to help others, lies like, "no, you don't look fat, you look great," or, "I love myself." Those aren't really lies, those are helpful truth bending.

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    1. I like bending the truth, in reality, and as a description. The big lies of which I was accused were nuts.

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  6. It seems you and Willie have it nailed. Live in the moment, honestly, and the hell with the rest. As tis said, if you cannot change the situation, change the way you live it.
    Now, go hug Franklin.

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    1. Franklin is always here for me. I had dinner with my son this evening, too. That was great.

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  7. Hi, Janie!

    My busy period with family begins this morning but you are important to me, I love you, and that's why I made time to write. You are the gatekeeper of your mind. Stand vigilant. Reject, turn away, repel any thoughts that rob you of your peace and undermine your self esteem. Allow to pass through the gate the positive feedback that you get from friends and family who accept you and love you just the way you are. That list includes me. I think you're the latest and the greatest.

    My blog is filled with lies and exaggeration for entertainment and comedic effect. Bloggers should feel free to create their own reality as you and I do.

    I would like to publicly confess that I lied to you in a comment I wrote the other day. I am not the southeast regional sales rep for Doc Johnson novelties. I made that up. It was a lie. I am, in reality, southeast regional sales rep for Adam & Eve Adult Toys. The truth always comes out eventually.

    (In the future, please don't publish my photograph on your blog without first getting my permission, okay?)

    My busy time starts..... (wait for it)..... NOW!

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    1. I thought I'd seen you in an Adam & Eve store--not that I've ever been in one. I'll put your picture on my blog if I feel like it, buddy. It makes the Wooters man feel good.

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  8. Evil? Pshaw. You're human. Entirely different thing. Fuck 'em if they don't know the difference.

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    1. I'm a really liberal let's love everyone kind of person, except for the occasional person who manages to upset me.

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  9. No! You're not evil. Certainly the "liar" we've gotten to know from your blog has shown that to your readers. Lucky them. Those who know you from the real world are even luckier.

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    1. I don't know why you of all people would say that.

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  10. We do all lie. I won't tell someone their ass looks fat in that black cling tight pants. If they are happy, why spoil that? My mom's 1st husband was, as she called him last week, "a jackass" and has no clue why she married him because she never liked him. It could be because everyone told her not to and her defiance overwhelmed her sanity. He was nasty and abusive and she finally had it when cutting up tomatoes for her restaurant, he got up and pushed the table with the tomatoes down on the floor. She had a meat cleaver in her hand and just said "I'm going to kill you." He backed off and was being all gooey but my mom had had it! She chased him down the middle of Queen St in Toronto with the cleaver. He running away in his long underwear with the flap open showing his butt. I think that is hilarious because she finally found her voice! Thankfully he became history and she met the man she was meant to be with which is my dad. She loves her children more than anything and did all she could especially for my brother. My brother, let's say, keeps falling for the wrong type of gal. His last wife(married 3 times) was a real number. It ended up where my brother would not speak to me or my mom and sent very hurtful e-mails. What he did hurt my mom to the core and she was often crying because she thought she had lost him forever. I told my mom that sometimes we have to "let them go" in order for them to return. I also said that woman he married will never be satisfied and he can stand on his head he can never please her. When that woman started on his daughter (she wanted to isolate him), he finally found his you know what and before we could say " Kaboom" his 3rd wife left him for someone on the internet. He slowly came back. Now my mom has dementia and thankfully doesn't remember his 3rd wife or the whole mess. My brother is back to his old self but i always pray he meets someone who calms the fires not build them up. I give this example to you of what happened to my family to, hopefully, help you. A mother puts their soul towards their children and sometimes the children don't see it. Have faith and remember you can't be someone else. You are a survivor and have strength you don't realize even when tears are there.

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    1. I would like to see a movie with your mom chasing the jackass down the street. The man I'm meant to be with is Willy Dunne Wooters. He calms. Everyone loves him. People love him. Dogs love him. I love him, even though I don't know what love is. I have let go of that person, but it hurts so much.

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  11. If you're evil than so am I. I lie a lot too about those little things. I lie all the time so I wouldn't hurt my friends. Exactly like you do. If I don't wanna go somewhere or do something... I don't think it counts as lying. That's just being nice. I love your sense of humor and those little white lies don't even count if they make others happy. That's just my opinion.

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    1. You are sweet, Baiba. It's always nice to hear from you.

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  12. You are not evil. Someone mentally abused you and now you think you are not normal. Guess what? No one is really "normal." You might need some help working through it, but there are a lot of us who support you. Remember that when you have doubts.

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    1. Thank you. I've been working on it for a long time, and I'm much better. It gets worse sometimes, but eventually, it gets better again.

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  13. Janie, you're not an evil person. There I said it and I'm not lying. Do you really want this person to love you? My heart aches for you. But, I know the sting of loneliness and the desire to be with someone. I have not had to worry about this, but I can imagine what it would be like if my world changed suddenly. I pray that you'll find comfort and strength to take you through each day and that someone special and deserving of the real you comes into your life. By the way, we all tell little white lies to protect others feelings. That's just being polite. IMO, I don't think God will hold that against us. {{hugs}}

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    1. Thank you. I'm not lonely very often. I have Willy Dunne Wooters and my son and my friend Carol will be back soon. Yes, I really want this person to love me. But as I finished typing that sentence, it suddenly occurred to me that if the person refuses to love me, I will not die.

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  14. Everyone lies this is a fact, you are not evil this is also a fact, when people say things like that they say it because you are so awesome they are afraid of how awesome you are. Some people get a kick out of bringing another person down, or inflicting pain on another person these people have a streak of evil running through them which would be alright if it was just their problem but it isn't as they are lashing out and hurting others so it becomes the problem of many, if that makes any sense maybe it doesn't I don't have a good way of expressing myself.

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    1. You have a very good way of expressing yourself. You just don't know it. I admire all the good you do for your family. You make the world a better place.

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  15. Nope, not evil at all. People who are truly evil never even think about it.

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    1. I guess Hitler didn't have anything on his conscience.

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  16. I like you VERY much--& that's the truth!!

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  17. Oh, Janie. I feel for you, honey. I've been in a similar spot. Meditation, or all-out activities helped to distract and heal me.It's eye-opening to wonder 'who' it was you loved. and a heavy sigh realizing the person didn't know you.

    I've been in awe of your gift to all for a long time now - your 'Infinities of Love.'

    Three Dog Night? Gee, I feel older now. (he-he-he) See you on battle day.(smile)

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    1. I saw Three Dog Night in person about fifteen years ago. They were great. It's just been two of them for quite some time. They signed my In Harmony album.

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  18. Well personally I think you are great and you should surround yourself with other people who find you awesome. Life is too short to dwell on those that don't appreciate you.

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    1. I try to stick with good people, but sometimes the past grabs me and pulls me back.

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  19. You are not evil. You are a good, kind, person. I'm with Fishducky. I like you very much!

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    1. You are a good, kind person. You are a good mama.

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  20. I'm shocked! Evil is NEVER a word I'd even consider to describe you!

    I lie a lot, but mostly just to myself. "I'll get this done." "This was good." Etc. I think everyone lies, a little bit.

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    1. I've been accused of telling bizarre lies, even by someone who was there when the event occurred. It's as if I can never shake it.

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  21. I don't think everything is measured in black and white. There are plenty of gray shadings in between. (Guess that makes me a Democrat?) Bottom line, I think the concept of "lying" has a lot to do with intention. Telling a lie to spare someone's feelings is a kindness; telling a lie to be spiteful is mean; telling a lie for no particular reason or simply to make oneself look better, or whatever, is pathological. I once knew a fellow who lied so much, I don't think he knew what the truth was anymore. And ninny that I was, I was so gullible, I believed his outlandish tales.

    You? Not evil, sweetie. Not by a long shot.

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    1. I want so much to be a kind person, but I don't always achieve it.

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  22. Whoever told you that is trying to beat you down and control you. DO NOT LET THEM.

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    1. That person controlled me for many years. Now it's as if a hand reaches out of the grave to grab me.

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Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.