Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I AM A PARTY POOPER

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I am a party pooper. Do not give a party, or at least don't tell me you are giving a party, because I will poop on it.

He's so tired of my shit.

Thank you to the millions, or maybe a dozen or so, of you who have expressed concern about the problems in my little household. Middle Child's health is improving. The dishwasher decided, of its own volition, to work again. My back hurts, but it's better.

Now I'll continue to rest as much as I can because it helps my back, and while I rest, I can edit. 

Current major problem: The last two nights I've seen grotesque palmetto bugs in my home office, where I work and watch movies, but never both at the same time. The palmetto bug crawls out long enough for me to give it a threatening look or even blast it with bug spray. Then it runs away and laughs its ass off. Last night one of them was flying around behind my chair. I had to go to bed to escape it. 

Palmetto bugs, if you don't go away, then I shall poop on your party, too.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

44 comments:

  1. Get those bugs Janie. I am glad to hear for the most part things are looking up.

    Maybe as summer nears things will be shiny.

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  2. JJ! I suddenly realized I've been missing your presence. I've been rather erratic lately with traveling and my husband retiring. I'm so sorry to hear that you've had some challenging times recently, but I'm glad that MC is improving. So you hear the laughter of bugs too? I also dive under the covers! Take care!

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    1. Those bugs guffaw at me. I hate them.

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  3. Oh, how vile. I would be fainted dead away on the floor or standing on my chair at the sight of a palmetto bug.
    Do you have a good office chair for sitting and editing? When my back is awful I retreat to my office chair, which makes me sit up straight and behave myself.

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    1. My office chair is a theater seat. I can lean back in it, and it provides my back with wonderful support. If I sit up straight, I can't think about behaving because it hurts too much.

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  4. Hi, Janie! I am happy to know that Middle Child, your dishwasher and your back are all doing better albeit to varying degrees. Testing a theory here - when the palmetto bugs came out of the woodwork and joined you in your home office, were you by any chance watching Earth vs. The Spider, Arachnophobia, Them!, The Fly, The Deadly Mantis or Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare?

    I don't understand why you try to kill palmetto bugs. I would think that you, Ms. Junebug, would leave them alone out of professional courtesy, even invite them to dinner.

    I hope things continue to improve on all fronts, dear friend!

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    1. Definitely have not watched any of those movies. I would invite the palmetto bugs to dinner if they didn't crawl around in the food. Save me, Sir Shady!

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  5. Okay, that's not nice. Now I have to go look up that bug...

    I've been told that I am also a party pooper.

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    1. Party poopers of the world: unite! When you look up the bug, it will probably say that it's an American cockroach. But it's so much more. It's bigger than any other cockroach I've seen, and the bastards can fly. Killing them is nearly impossible. Even a direct hit with bug spray doesn't take them out. A stomp isn't enough. I have to wear hard-soled shoes and stomp on them with the desperation of a woman who hates palmetto bugs. If Willy Dunne Wooters is here, we work in tandem. I kill. He flushes them down the toilet. We can't put a dead palmetto bug in the garbage because it would come back to life.

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  6. Send in a couple of lizards, trust me.

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    1. The lizards can't do anything to these bugs. I know because I have lizards in the house all the time.

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  7. I'm glad things are improving for you, albeit not to the 'all good' stage yet... fingers crossed you get there soon.
    Palmetto bugs will also bite and, as I'm sure you can imagine, their bites tend to get badly infected. They've developed immunity to most bug sprays, and the ones they aren't immune to probably belong to a military organisation somewhere, however...

    Simmer a head of garlic and a cup of chopped hot peppers in 3 c. white vinegar for a couple of hours... and make sure you can keep the windows open during the simmering process. Add more white vinegar as needed, to keep the same amount. After it has cooled enough to handle safely, strain and pour into a clean spray bottle. Add 1/4 c. dishwashing liquid and stir gently, don't shake! Spray as needed.

    Also: Get a cheap jar of peanut butter, some diatomaceous earth, and some borax (in the laundry section). Mix 3/4 c.each of the borax and d.e. into the whole (standard-sized) jar of peanut butter, along with a 1/2 c. of plain flour. Put little globs of the mixture in cracks and crevices near where you most often see the palmetto bugs. Nothing in there which will hurt pets or children but for roaches it's the equivalent of eating broken glass, (d.e., which are the sharp, pointy miscroscopic skeletons of tiny organisms) being filled with concrete (the flour) and dried into a mummy from the inside out (the borax). Good luck!

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    1. Well, if you aren't the most brilliant person, then I don't know who is. Nothing would make me happier than to make palmetto bugs feel as if they are eating broken glass. Thank you!

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  8. If Mrs. Chatterbox saw bugs in the house we'd have to move.

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  9. Poop might just add to that nasty bug's party! (sorry)

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    1. No need to be sorry. If I'm going to be a party pooper, then we might as well have a poop party.

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  10. I'd be having nightmares and unable to sleep with those big bugs in the house!!! Awk!!

    Glad it sounds like things are better on all fronts. Well, except WDW, I guess. ;)

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    1. The bugs and lizards can always get in, even with the windows and doors closed. They are sly bastards.

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  11. I got a fly-shatter/electronic bug zapper (no kidding) and it dispatches bugs in a most rewarding way.
    A mean-assed red wasp has a sting similar to a small-caliber gunshot wound (the voice of experience). At any rate one flew in through the door when I was bringing in groceries this week.
    I grabbed the handy zapper and swatted that tiny beast. When it hit him, it didn't just kill him, but there was this satisfying little spark, a slight sizzling sound, and a little whif if smoke before hitting the floor armadillo dead.
    I LOVE this little tool.

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    1. Where does one purchase such a device, and does it have a more technical name than fly shatter? It sounds worth the investment to me.

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  12. Any kind of flying creature makes me scream. I'm glad things are going better.

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  13. "Palmetto bug" is way too gentle a term, I much prefer the more caustic, "cockroach." Normally, I don't read the comments, but the comments here and your responses have been fun and replete with poop humor. It sounds like, except for the palmetto bugs (it sounds like these are relaxed bugs, sipping on margaritas on a beach somewhere), things are steadily improving for you, which is good to hear.

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    1. I used cockroach until I moved to Florida. Here, they are palmetto bugs. I don't know why, but they need a different name because they are gigantic and evil. Improvement has ended. The washing machine leaks.

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    2. I used to live in Florida. Those Palmetto bugs are giant, nasty flying, fearless creatures and, as you've said, practically indestructible. I've stepped on them and then watched them scurry away. Ugh. I used to flush them, too. I figured, even if they survived (which they probably did) at least they'd be far far away!

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  14. Ew, I don't like Palmetto bugs the way I don't like June bugs - no offense but they have sticky little legs that cling and creep me right out!

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    1. I'm not offended. At least a june bug isn't as big as a palmetto bug.

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  15. Hi, Janie...

    I hate those palmetto bugs... FLYING ROACHES... nothing worse. I saw a friend of mine once manage to grab one with a pair of tongs and throw it down the garbage disposal.... CRUNCH! LOVED it!

    Hoping you feel better soon!

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    1. I prefer flushing them down the toilet, but after I stomp on them they are super gross because their guts squish out.

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  16. This is the total reason I don't party with you. Is it worth the risk? I mean, really? I'd have to wear a toilet paper tiara just to be safe.

    Have you been following the whole "Ryan Gosling won't eat his cereal" thing?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohJtvuCAsp4

    A fellow named Ryan McHenry posted Vines that were hilarious, all with that theme. They went viral. Then the creator developed cancer and after a long battle, he passed on May 3rd.

    Ryan Gosling responded with this: https://vine.co/RyanMcHenry

    Touching.

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    1. I watched it and thought I'd fall over from laughing. It was sweet of my Willy Dunne Wooters (Ryan) to respond to the death.

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  17. I have heard of the cliche "Things happen in 3's". I, personally think things happen in 7's and 8's. I am happy to hear your middle child is feeling better and that you are making a recovery (slowly) from your back. I don't know these bugs at all so I have to look them up but sounds icky

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  18. Bugs, Ewwww! Don't you just hate them. We once lived near a big grocery store and we had problems with cock roaches. No matter how much we sprayed, if you turned on the lights at night, they would scatter! Hope your back is feeling better....been there, for sure!

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    1. My back is better, but the washing machine started leaking. I need a mommy and daddy to take care of me.

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    2. And Palmetto bugs are not scared of light the way regular roaches are.

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  19. I'll send Schultz over to poop on your palmetto bugs!

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    1. Thank you. Schultz is probably big enough to poop them to death.

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  20. Sorry for all the trials and tribulations, girl. It may seem like your dishwasher healed itself, but I wouldn't count on it. But hey! At least it's working for now, right?' (Sometimes that's enough.)

    UGH on those palmetto bugs. Years ago, our older son moved to Florida for a brief period, and then came back home for a couple weeks until he got himself a new place here. Unfortunately, he brought a palmetto bug infestation home with him, because the disgusting things were breeding in one of his pieces of furniture. I swear, those bugs were soooo cocky. We'd come hom., and a couple of them, the size of Toyotas, would be sitting on the sofa watching TV with their legs crossed, drinking a beer and smoking cigars... Took a while to get rid of them, but we did prevail.

    Get well soon.

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    1. They are the rudest bugs I've ever met. They are kind of like relatives who come for a visit and won't leave and they make a mess constantly.

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Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.