Tuesday, January 6, 2015

THE LIZARD ARRANGEMENT

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I get the impression from reading some of you comments on yesterday's post (SEE HERE) that you think I'm cruel for stabbing lizards who enter my home.

What I failed to explain is that I have a legal and binding agreement with the Local Lizards Union that I made within forty-eight hours of moving into my humble abode.

The deal is as follows: Lizards, you stay outside. If you come in the house, I shall kill you.

What could be simpler than that? The green guys don't belong in here.

The Hurricane used to have an arrangement with Faulkner, the Original Dog. Each morning he waited patiently as she ate her toast. When she reached the last corners of the toast, she gave them to Faulkner. I know it's not the same as stay outside or I'll kill you, but some agreements must be honored.

So Little Green Bastards, stay the hell out of my house, or I'll stab you.


Infinities of lizard love,

Janie Junebug

21 comments:

  1. Janie,
    If your aim is good enough and you have the stomach to stab it, go after it. I just could not stand green shooting out of the wound...lol. I have a policy about critters in my house--either you go or just die or I will shove you out the door or kill you.

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  2. Hi Janie - they are only trying to live and won't do any harm ... they'll keep your insects in check ... perhaps a butterfly net and then take them out ... we depend on all things ... our life is theirs ... protect all the little creatures .. if you can don't kill them - thank you! Cheers Hilary

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  3. Mean Janie! Mean, mean Janie! :)
    My wife squeals like a girl......well actually she is girl, but I can tell from the barn if a lizard has slipped inside the house.

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  4. Well this is awkward because I represent the lizard union (Lizards Local 438) and their standing agreement with humanity is as follows: "We shall not knowingly enter a human abode as we are dumb ass lizards who don't know any better. However, should we stray from our original programming of sunning ourselves on rocks and doing that strange but charming dance thing with our heads and wander into a home, we presume that homeowners will recognize we are but dumb ass lizards and capture us and release us outdoors, our natural home, to continue eating bugs for the good of humanity. This does not apply to Komodo Dragon's which are complete monsters. Thank you." So, please, in the interest of interspecies harmony, please don't get stabby with the lizards. It's much easier to trap them in a shoebox than to stab them anyway. That takes some precision.

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    1. Really - Lizards Local 438? I'm Lizards Local 137. Nice to meet you!

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  5. I often wonder how I'd react if I found a Junebug in my bedroom.

    Fun Facts:

    * Some of my best friends are Little Green Bastards.

    * Some of my best friends are people who stab Little Green Bastards when Little Green Bastards enter their home.

    * My dog Toto once bit the tail off of a Little Green Bastard.

    * Little Green Bastards are into physical fitness. They do push-ups all day long.

    Happy Tuesday, dear Janie Junebug!

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  6. Maybe they are from another country and don't speak the language?! haha

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  7. Yes, Janie Junebug, always be true to your murderous contractual obligations!

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  8. Ewww, don't like these little critters. And sometimes we find what looks like babies, kind of transparent. Needless to say they don't make it very long, squished for sure.

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  9. Rules are rules. Of course for this to be a binding contract you'll need to prove the lizards understand your terms and accept them. This would require you to speak "lizard" which might be a problem for you.

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  10. I would flip out and shoot them. So stabbing them seems calm by my standards.

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  11. Some actions must be taken. Mine are against very large bathroom spiders. Hairy, past the size of a quarter. I have a method. Doubt I could stab a lizard, but then I've never encountered one.
    Infinities of love...

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  12. Oh come on, he's kinda cute.

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  13. he is so pretty:) The colour is beautiful. I think you should name him Belvedere!

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  14. I must have not gotten a post. How could you kill such a sweet little baby iguana? I didn't think you had iguanas in Florida. I thought you had chameleons or anoles. And I love them, too. I've had an iguana and chameleons as pets. Tell me you don't really stab lizards! That you catch them and let them go outside!! :(

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  15. Okay, I know what not to dress up as if I'm coming to your house on Halloween :P

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  16. It's only fair - they have been warned, what do they expect? A lady can only take so much lizard.

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  17. I tried to enter into a similar agreement with the spiders in my neighborhood. I mean, really; it's a simple concept. You guys live outside, I live in and we all live in harmony. Except some of the spiders didn't follow the rules which meant I had to try to get someone to get the spider and take him out cuz I don't really want him dead; I just want him outside. But sometimes there's no one there but me and then...well, let's just say things didn't end well for the spider.

    I don't think I could kill a lizard though, awfully messy.

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  18. Lizards you can have them, or in my case Tim can have them he likes to rescue Blue Tongue Lizards he finds in the yard and take them to Blackbutt Reserve and set the free me I don't like them and I will not touch them

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  19. What if you made an addendum to the agreement that said "lizards, if you absolutely MUST go inside someone's home, in lieu of getting stabbed, please contact Kianwi, as she will welcome you in Michigan" Now, granted, lizards probably won't want to trek all the way to cold Michigan, but at least you're giving them a viable option. :)

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  20. Stab away, I say. I feel the same way about spiders. You come to my sanctuary, you die.

    -andi

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Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.