Tuesday, January 13, 2015

LIZARD OF THE WEEK

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's unusual for me to have a lizard in the house two weeks in a row. It must be the weather. Like all natives of Florida, they can't deal with temperatures in the thirties.

This week's lizard was in the laundry room and was light brown rather than bright green as was the lizard of the previous week. He looked a bit like this, but I can't find a photo with his exact color:



I didn't have anything handy for stabbing purposes, so I stomped on him. He ran behind the washing machine. I haven't seen him again, not have I seen his bright green friend.

Letter to local lizards:

Lizards,

You do not belong in my house, per our previous agreement. Get lost. I shall continue my attempts to stab and stomp you to death. I know you eat insects. That's great, but you belong outside. Go join your friends. Even if I don't kill you, you will die inside my house. Then you will be lizard dust, sucked up by Mrs. Roomba.

Sincerely,

The Queen of Grammar

That is all. Oh! I just remembered that some of you seemed concerned about yesterday's poem. Please do not confuse the speaker, a.k.a. the poetic persona, with the poet. The poem is a poem. Willy Dunne Wooters has not been banished. If the Wooters man were gone, I would not have a place to rest my head because of course my head belongs on his chest with my left leg over his left leg and my left hand on his tummy. NOW, that is all.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

22 comments:

  1. I think I'm a bit scared of lizards. cant imagine what I'd do if there was an un-caged one in my home!
    I think i'd run.

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  2. THANKS FOR CLEARING UP ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE POEM!!

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  3. Wait a second, brutal dispatching of lizards aside, I think I missed your coronation ceremony. My apologies, your highness. Were I to have known (please do not have me beheaded for this sentence structure, I am but a Grammar Peasant) I wouldst have addressed thee at the station to which you have ascended and respect due your station, my queen.

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  4. Hi Janie!! Sorry I haven't been able to visit for a while, finally getting back into the swing of blogging now :) a lizard invasion :)

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  5. Hi, Janie Junebug!

    I shied away from commenting on yesterday's post because I wasn't sure what was going on. I was one of the people who feared that you had a falling out with WDW and banished him. I'm happy to learn that your relationship is still on track, that your head is still on his chest, that your left leg is still over his left leg and that your left hand is still on his tummy.

    No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    I wish you wouldn't go after heat seeking lizards with scissors and iron boots. For the modest sum of $495.00 I can sell you a sophisticated lizard trap that allows you to humanely capture the cute little reptiles and release them back into the wild (aka your back yard). Order within the next 15 minutes and you will receive a FREE collapsible grabber, perfect for all those hard to reach spots around the house (or on WDW's body).

    I leave you with these song lyrics to ponder
    along with memories of Sing Along With Mitch:

    Be kind to your web-footed friends
    For a duck may be somebody’s mother
    Be kind to your friends in the swamp
    Where the weather is very very dawmp.

    Now you may think that this is the end …

    Well, it is!

    (Please write to Mitch Miller and tell him that "may" is wrong and "might" is right.)

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  6. Cute image of you with WDW! Good luck with your lizard announcement...hope it works for you.

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  7. Sheesh, you didn't set up a photo shoot so we could know exactly the beast you are fighting? The stomp didn't worry you with regards to the squish that could've followed?

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  8. I'll kill a spider for the missus, if I have to. Normally I try and capture them and put them outside. I'd do the same with a lizard, although I have been known to set traps for mice so I'm not a purist.

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  9. I'm confessing that I'm a little afraid for you. The lizards here in Palm Coast have been talking about a coup d'etat that they are planning for some scissor stabbing woman not too far from here. I'm afraid that might be you so be careful please. They might just take over! Yikes! hahaha

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  10. I missed yesterday's poem. I am so very behind in all things. I need a fork in my bum to get me going.

    I think I'd take the lizard if he could be house broken and promised to eat all the spiders.

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  11. I think for Halloween you should dress up as the Lizard Queen:) I should do a card with the background done in bright green and brown. I have no lizard stamp though

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  12. Lizards . . . eeeek. Though I'll take them over spiders, either way neither belong in my house. Nor your house. I shall make a similar agreement for my spider enemies now. Thanks for the template lol.

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  13. When I lived in Florida, I remember having lizards come in our house. We just made them pets. (I guess things haven't changed much.)

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  14. Janie Junebuy, I can't solve your total lizard problem but I can solve half of it. My dog is willing to chase lizards all day and even pull off their tails (visual: I'm screaming behind her, "No, Coco, no! Leave it alone! Come back here! Quit, you're going to hurt it!").

    That's what friends are for.

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  15. I remember seeing all kinds of lizards in Jamaica. I don't like those creepy-crawly-creatures. My son brought one home, but the lizard refused to eat and died. I was sad, though.

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  16. Borrow a neighbor's cat to sniff out the lizards. It's more entertaining and you don't end up with lizard-goo on your shoe.
    I liked the poem - reminded me of "him"...ha ha ha. One less egg - bast*rd.

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  17. Tim has two blue tongue lizards in his office a big daddy type one and a baby that Tim said looks only a few days to a week old

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  18. Is there a subconscious reason you wrote about lizards and Willie Dunne Wooters in the same post :)

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  19. That was my pet lizard. I've been training him for 12 years. He was coming inside to see if you wanted tea.
    R

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  20. Okay, now write a poem about a woman cooking lizard noodle soup.

    -andi

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