Tuesday, September 2, 2014

WILLY DUNNE WOOTERS AND THE TOILET PAPER WARS

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I visit Willy Dunne Wooters' apartment two or three times each week so I can enjoy the complex's swimming pool. When last I arrived at the pool, five other people were there: an older couple relaxing in lounge chairs and three young people who were in the water, chatting and laughing.

Within ten minutes, the three young people exited the pool and disappeared. About twenty minutes later, the couple left. I had my very own private pool for the rest of the afternoon! I stayed about two and a half hours and had a delightful time.

The first time I visited Willy Dunne Wooters' dwelling on my own, however, I was quite shocked when I entered the bathroom:

That's right!
 Those silver things are meant to hold a roll of toilet paper,
but they are sans toilet paper.


Where's the @#$%&*! toilet paper? I wondered. I saw a box in a corner of the bathroom. Ahhh, sweet relief. Toilet paper in box. Holder in box. I place toilet paper on holder, insert End A in Slot B, repeat function with other end, and we are in business.

Voila! Toilet paper:


The next time I arrived for a swim, I strode confidently to the bathroom for a little pee-pee time before visiting the pool:



What the hell is wrong with that man? I muttered. Toilet paper not in box. Holder not in box. Not that Holder would be of any use without toilet paper.

I opened the small linen closet across from the toilet:

Ah, he hid it.
Toilet paper still on holder.

Once again I inserted Ends in Slots and toilet paper was ready for use.

But I experienced a revelation that day. This was war. It was toilet paper war. I want the toilet paper next to the toilet. WDW wants the toilet paper in the linen closet, where I admit it is within easy reach, but doth not toilet paper belong on its holder next to the toilet?  Yes, I know it's HIS apartment, but let's be reasonable. Toilet paper next to toilet.

On Saturday I went for a swim while WDW watched college football. Enter apartment to change into suit. Headed for bathroom. No toilet paper. I put t.p. where it belongs. I swim. Return to said apartment. No t.p. I put toilet paper back in place.

On Monday, I told Willy Dunne Wooters, This crap with the toilet paper has to end. Can't you let me have the toilet paper in its spot when I come over for a swim?

He said, It can stay where you want while you're here.

But while I was in the pool yesterday, you removed it, I reminded him.

Oh. Did I? he inquired innocently.

Why can't the toilet paper stay on the holder next to the toilet? Why must it be removed and placed in the linen closet? I asked.

It gets in my way, WDW said.

It gets in his way.
If you can explain to me how that little roll of toilet paper
gets in Willy Dunne Wooters' way, then you deserve a reward.


That is all.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Update: To those of you who think WDW has bad aim, he doesn't. If he did, he would hit the wall in the bathroom at my house, and I would not be pleased. I know that the photo makes it appear as if the toilet paper is really close to the toilet, but really, there's plenty of room.

57 comments:

  1. Hi Janie - it's his flat and therefore his way I guess! I'd rather not give some unintended consequences of visits to the small room ... wonderful you get a pool to swim in though .. cheers Hilary

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    Replies
    1. But I think one should accommodate one's guests.

      Delete
  2. Hahaha! Apparently he has bad aim.

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  3. Maybe you could add some of toilet targets to his potty right before you leave next time :)

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    Replies
    1. His aim is fine, but toilet targets would irritate him and amuse me.

      Delete
  4. Now, there's an unusual twist on the usual hang-it-over-or-under toilet paper controversy. I've gotta admit, you've got me stumped. He must have reeeeeeeally bad aim...

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  5. This is an unsolved mystery, Janie Junebug! You need to install a nanny cam in WDW's bathroom and watch what he does on the toilet that requires all that extra space. Who knows... maybe you'll catch him squeezing the Charmin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has a web cam in the living room. I wonder if I could put it in the bathroom without him noticing. We could have WILLY DUNNE WOOTERS LIVE!

      Delete
  6. No, I think he turns around to flush while still seated. Then it's in his way. Get over it.

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    Replies
    1. There's enough room to turn while seated. He's not a real big guy.

      Delete
  7. I guess you'll have to carry a roll in your purse. Bad aim maybe for him or bumps the roll off with his arm?

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    Replies
    1. I have already planted my own supply of toilet paper in a place he'll never look: the cabinet under the bathroom sink. I have deoderant in there, too.

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  8. Habits - they die hard. Maybe you could get him an extra fixture so YOU could have your roll on the holder and HE could have the one in the linen closet. Something tells me he'd end up putting both rolls in the closet - people are tricky that way. But it's worth trying.

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    Replies
    1. He'd definitely put both rolls in the closet.

      Delete
  9. I suspect he bumps into it and leans that way when there. Otherwise maybe just a little habit one gets into when living alone and not having to consider anyone else.
    I have a feeling that you will win this war, Janie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jim. I shall not give up the fight.

      Delete
  10. Gets in his way? Great Googli Moogli, how big IS WDW?
    And..."crap with the toilet paper"?
    Well played.
    By the way, I remember when we lived in Orange Park in 1987. In July and August, the pool was just too warm to swim in.
    At least I had paper on a roll, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's not that big. Well, in most places. He's plenty big where it counts, not that I want to imply anything about any private stuff. Thanks for appreciating "crap with the toilet paper." I don't know how they keep the pool in his complex so cool. It's been burning hot every day for months, and that water is always refreshing.

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  11. Replies
    1. Someone might catch me. Then I'd be known as The Pool Pisser.

      Delete
  12. I was thinking exactly what Sherry said. He's afraid he's going to hit it with his stream... My husband never changes the toilet paper roll, though. I'll walk in and it will be completely empty after his morning restroom visit. I'm always wondering, if he runs out of toilet paper before he's finished wiping, what does he do? It can't be that he always just happens to run out of toilet paper at the exact right time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When Favorite Young Man lived with me, he would run out of toilet paper. He wouldn't have any in his bathroom. This could go on for a week before he'd go to the store. I don't know what went on in that bathroom, and I don't want to know. I'm glad I didn't do his laundry.

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  13. I read the "He has bad aim" comment and have to agree. My boyfriend keeps it on the holder, or on the counter next to it. My problem is he leaves EVERYTHING out and doesn't put it away, then says my only little hair straightener is hogging the counter. He moved it to the bedroom because "I'm tired of you leaving it out". Explaining that I do my hair last and that it holds 400+ degrees heat so it can't be put away until it's cooled off does absolutely nothing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WDW leaves everything out in his bathroom. Bottles and tubes of this and that line the counter by the sink. I can't do that. I have plastic containers in the cabinet under my sink. Each container holds a different category of items. I think you should be allowed to have your hair straightener out, though. You have to be careful with hot stuff.

      Delete
  14. Not that Holder would be of any use without toilet paper? Now, wait a minute... You may want to reconsider. Just don't make me spell it out for you. :p It would get in my way too.

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  15. In answer to your question: I have absolutely NO idea!!

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    Replies
    1. No one does. It's not bad aim, and there's plenty of room.

      Delete
  16. Who is this dude? And I wanted to let you know that Faith is thrilled she got the approval of the Grammar Police Woman! Samson -- not so much.

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    1. Sorry, Samson. Willy Dunne Wooters is the love of my life. He lives in his apartment, and I live in my house. We're about twenty minutes apart. We visit each other.

      Delete
  17. Whatever is wrong with Willy Dunne Wooters has totally consumed the Hubzam. Only he did one better: when we installed a new vanity, no toilet paper hanger was added. It sits on the sink (fortunately, it's no where near the sink). He also claims it is in the way.

    If there is a vaccine for this craziness, shoot it into your tadpole menfolk before they grow up and drive gals crazy. Word wordy word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried to smarten up Favorite Young Man. It didn't work. In my bathroom, I have toilet paper on the holder, and I keep an extra roll on top of the toilet tank.

      Delete
  18. Whatever is wrong with Willy Dunne Wooters has totally consumed the Hubzam. Only he did one better: when we installed a new vanity, no toilet paper hanger was added. It sits on the sink (fortunately, it's no where near the sink). He also claims it is in the way.

    If there is a vaccine for this craziness, shoot it into your tadpole menfolk before they grow up and drive gals crazy. Word wordy word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! You wanted to make up for my comments that disappear, didn't you?

      Delete
  19. It does look rather close to the commode. Hey, I'm a guy and we have to stick together.

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  20. I have no idea but I'd like to hear his explanation. Regardless. The toilet paper belongs on the hanger.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. You are a genius. Getting an explanation out of WDW is like pulling teeth.

      Delete
  21. Like Mshatch says, it doesn't matter what he says in passing, the hanger exists for a reason, to hold toilet paper. What could it be "in the way" of? It's toilet paper, meant to be hung next to the toilet for wiping purposes. "It gets in my way," is not a valid excuse, unless it actually does get in the way, in which case, MOVE THE HOLDERS. It's not difficult. Why am I taking this personally? I'm not sure, but really, things have their place, and toilet paper is pretty important to keep in its place unless you have a bidet. Wait, does he have a bidet?

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    1. I wish he had a bidet. I wish I had a bidet. You are correct: toilet paper belongs next to the toilet, in its holder. Thank you.

      Delete
  22. His house, his rules. But he could accommodate his guest. Especially when women need to use toilet paper on a regular basis compared to men. If he wants to please his woman...WDW leave the friggin' toilet paper alone while you have lady company. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Usually I agree with someone's house, that person's rules, but with WDW, his house, my rules.

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  23. I don't know why some guys will do anything to avoid putting toilet paper back on the hanger. My son also avoids it like the plague.

    Julie

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  24. Yeah Tim doesn't bother to put the toilet roll on the holder he just sits it on the towel rack and it is so bloody annoying

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    Replies
    1. Why are men opposed to putting toilet paper where it belongs? It makes no sense.

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  25. That's awesome. My mom and I have a similar feud. I'm an over-the-roll person, and she's an under-the-roll person. Every time I visit her bathroom I switch it. And vice-versa. At least there's always a roll there...even if she has it going the wrong direction.

    -andi

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    Replies
    1. I don't care about over and under, but it would be fun to play switch the roll with your mom.

      Delete
  26. The mystery is solved if he owns a cat.

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