Monday, April 15, 2013

TWITTERPATED

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Technology is definitely attempting to lower my self-esteem.

I used to have Miss Garmin in the car with me. When I took a wrong turn, she developed an increasingly sarcastic edge to her voice when she said "REROUTING."

Now I have Ms. AT&T. She doesn't even say rerouting when I do something wrong. She's calm and simply tells me what I need to do -- although now that I think about it, a couple of times she has sent me to strange places. Like when I needed to go to the dentist and she sent me to Hardee's.

I was so far away from the dentist's office that I missed the appointment and he dumped me as a patient. I had to find another dentist.

I guess Ms. AT&T is trying to cause trouble for me, after all.

And then there's Twitter.

Twitter is trying very hard to make me feel bad about myself. See the way that bird is winking? That's not a friendly wink. That's a sardonic wink.

Every week Twitter sends me an email, criticizing my use of Twitter. My first question is, why don't they send me a tweet?

Is it maybe because the people at Twitter don't know how to tweet?

But anyway, I get these emails and they're all about how lousy I am. The first thing they tell me is how many twitter followers I've lost. Last week it was two, and the week before it was one. I don't have that many twitter followers, so these are significant losses.

Then they tell me how I can do better. They say I tweet once a day on average. So I need to tweet more often.

But what if I don't have anything to say?

Here's some stuff I could have tweeted today:

I'm at the pharmacy. I've been waiting in line so long I need to poop.

It's raining. A lot.

The rain is making me sleepy. I think I'll take a nap.

Those just aren't very exciting tweets, are they? And the few times I've come up with tweets that I thought were amusing (I called the Pope the King of the Pedophiles), no one paid any attention to them. Fie on thee, Twitter.

Twitter also criticizes me for other reasons. They tell me to use hashtags. They say I need a background image and a header image.

Huh?

I don't even know what a hashtag is. I think it's a miracle that I set up a twitter account and learned to tweet, and now they want me to do MORE?

Twitter even gave me an F on my profile.

See these girls who are tweeting? Their grammar is appalling. They are going to spend the rest of their lives asking, Would you like fries with that? But their Twitter scores are probably out of this world.

I graduated from college summa cum laude, but I get an F from Twitter. My world rank from Twitter is #83,134,375.

Obviously, that's not very good. Twitter doesn't care that I know the difference between it's and its, and I can read Chaucer in Middle English. Twitter doesn't care that I "get" Milton. 

Twitter doesn't like me. 

But it's okay. I don't have to ask anybody, Paper or plastic?

If you would like to follow me on Twitter, though I don't know why you would, I have a Twitter bird on my sidebar. Click on it and become my follower. Then you can dump me the next week. Twitter will take great delight in telling me about it.

Infinities of love (but not to Twitter),

Janie Junebug

35 comments:

  1. I left twitter three years ago. And have no desire to go back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so far ahead of me, Coffey. I don't think I even knew what twitter was three years ago.

      Delete
  2. Twitter sends you emails about your stats? They don't do that for me! I think Twitter has a crush on you and is trying to help you out. Twitter doesn't give a crap about me, so I get nothin! So unfair!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe Twitter is like a boy who has a crush on a girl so he punches her. Twitter picks on me because they are in love with me.

      Delete
  3. LOL!! Facebook is the one that keeps nagging me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmmm. FB doesn't pay much attention to me. Maybe FB has a crush on you.

      Delete
  4. I gave up Twitter, Facebook, and Flickr...so long ago I can't remember now. Two years? three? I don't miss it. I have enough trouble keeping up with just blogging, youtube, and emails--LOL! Sounds like I would have been such a disappointment that Twitter might have closed my account FOR ME had I stayed--ROFL!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They haven't threatened to shut me down, but CafePress will close my t-shirt shop after a while if I don't sell more shirts. Oh, woe.

      Delete
  5. I never tweet & I seldom reply on Facebook. I could easily be overcome!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been overcome so long I don't know why I bother to get out of bed. Oh! I remember. Doggies!

      Delete
  6. Twitter, Instagram, all those other newfangled things...I don't do them because I am ignorant and I choose to remain that way. I do FB and Blogger, and that's about the extent of my social media. Good for you, though, no matter what Twitter says about you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't even heard of Instagram. People are always talking about Pinterest, too, and how they're addicted to it. I don't need anything else addictive in my life.

      Delete
  7. I don't do twitter. Honestly, I rarely do FB any more, and half the people in my FB account I have blocked so I don't have to read their horrendously spelled status updates. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I usually feel confused when I look at FB. I don't understand what people are talking about. Maybe its there speling.

      Delete
  8. Hey, I think your post about needing to poop was very interesting. Bah to Twitter! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe I should tweet about it every time I need to poop.

      Delete
  9. I was waiting for my "girl" doctor's appointment this morning, and Kelly Ripa was on. She said "studies show" that that people who excessively text and tweet are shallow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, boolyah Kelly Ripa. I didn't know she was still on TV. I thought Regis retired and their show ended (not that I ever watched it, nor did I watch Regis and Kathy Lee).

      Delete
  10. Janie Junebug, the Grammar Police does not belong on Twitter! That's all I have to say about that bird. As far as your comment on my blog: I thought Pedro was hot too as I enlarged his picture, but I never felt it in real life. Which was good I guess. Probably not too many showers on that peninsula. And of course I had my hubby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mmmmmm. Pedro. I guess I can forget about him. He's probably not hot now. I'm not either.

      Delete
  11. I'm jealous. Twitter doesn't write to me at all, although my dentist does, regularly, trying to get money out of me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never hear from my dentist. Maybe your dentist is secretly in love with you and pretending he wants money. It's all a ruse so he can be in contact with you.

      Delete
  12. I don't Tweet and can't understand those who do. I think it's a waste of time, allowing people to think they're interacting with others when they really aren't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A very astute comment, as always, Mr. C.

      Delete
  13. I've been waiting in line so long I need to poop? That's actually very important information. I mean, I'd try to no wait in line behind you. You never know, right? ;) A hashtag... I once heard someone use that term on the radio. I was wondering the same thing... a what? I suppose I could google it and learn but I won't. I'm not on Twitter but I do like Tweety. (Do you suppose I should tweet that?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean about Googling stuff to find out what it means. I could, but sometimes the simple act of Googling is more than I can handle. I guess it means I don't really want the answers to some of my questions. As for tweeting that you like Tweety, first you'd have to open a Twitter account. Again, I don't know if it's worth the effort. We're overwhelmed with information as it is.

      Delete
    2. Sometimes I find blogging is more than I can handle. I don't know how some folk out there can have a life of their own when they've got five blogs, 10,000 friends on fb, twitter, twatter, twotter....see just the thought of it drives me tweety.

      Delete
  14. The sardonic wink nearly had me swallowing my tea down the wrong pipe. That was so hilarious. I'll never look at the Twitter bird the same again.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What would you do without me to show you reality? I guess you'd spend all of your time in a fantasy world, instead of being a part-timer.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have the same problem with Twitter despite having over 1000 tweets. Lately I haven't bothered as I keep losing followers and get no responses to my funny tweets as well. Branden on the other hand, only has something like 300 tweets over a long span of time and he's constantly gaining new followers! He uses it to link up with other people in his area of study and they apparently are everywhere and loyal! It's not fair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd blame his incredible good looks if I were you. My wife does the same. ;)

      Delete
  17. The only time I use twitter is when I pin photos and sometimes I will tweet something but not very often can't see the point

    ReplyDelete
  18. Twitter is dumb.

    Don't feel bad over anything it says.

    And don't fall for all the FB hype either.

    Life is hard enough without electronics being the enemy, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janie... I think Jenny is on to something.

      Delete

Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.