MY SMILE IS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

Yes, Gentle Readers, it's true: I'm frowning. I don't like it that stuff is disappearing from my blog. LegalMist says she can see my followers, but I can't see you; and seeing you, all 13 of you (including me) makes my day. I received an email from amazon about their stuff no longer working and I told them how I've taken everything off my blog and then installed it again and it works for a little while and then it quits again, and amazon was like go to the link and install everything again. I Did That! I Said I Did That! They don't even really read my emails. Amazon should appreciate me. I think they've gotten at least three orders through recommendations on my blog, and only one was my order. So TWO orders! What's wrong with you fuckers at amazon? Show me some love!

And speaking of love: Gentle Readers, you know I adore you, but how come you have so many followers and I only have 13 (including me)? You keep telling me how funny and interesting I am, but my own family members won't even follow me. So what if I say pissy things about them? The pissy stuff is funny, and they should be grateful that I've turned them into jokes. My BFF doesn't follow me. I only say nice things about her. I think she doesn't know how to follow me, and I understand that sometimes things are confusing. I visited Lola is 40 today (not me, another Lola), and I had to send her an email and ask how to follow her. I don't want to follow her on twitter; I just want to be a regular follower. I couldn't find the place to click to just be a regular follower. Maybe about 150 people want to follow me, but they don't know how.

Probably not.

My dogs don't follow me.

Look at that big fuckin' lazy dog, has time to sniff a nasty stinky poopy baby, but can that dog be bothered to follow me?

Hell Noooooo.

So I'm just not feeling loved, especially since my anniversary was not too long ago, and anniversary time is so depressing for a dumped first wife.

But I love you all very much. I even love all the people who should follow me and don't.

Infinities of love,

Lola

CINDERITA AND MOI

Gentle Readers,

I hope you will read this post by the charming Cinderita because it's a lovely post and if you will read all the way to the end, you will discover that she actually mentions ME! Yes, MOI!

She claims my comments on her posts make her laugh. And you all know, I hope, that my goal in life -- even when I'm depressed -- is to make you laugh. I always say I'm the most cheerful depressed person you'll ever meet.

Infinities of love,

Lola

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

Excuse me, Gentle Readers, and for once, it's not because I farted.

I want to talk to you, you, you over there on the left, you wearing the bikini and you really should have waxed, and all of Slovenia: I'm taking a brief vacay from the blog. I won't be gone long. I promise. I know Slovenia depends on me for their entertainment.

I need to spend time improving my invitation to William and Harry. I took the informal approach with the first draft, thinking it would get their attention, but I don't know if it's such a good idea. I need to ponder, meditate, and all that, before I decide on the perfect invitation to the royal cousins. NO, they aren't cousins, dumb ass. They're brothers. If you read my blog you'd know they are my kids' cousins.

While I'm gone, please consider giving some earlier posts of mine a chance. You might try

HICCUPS AND WATERBOARDING

I SAW MY DAD EMBARRASSED - ONCE

CHARLOTTE A. MARTIN: THIS JOURNEY . . . I BELIEVE

MR. ROGERS DID NOT WEAR A SWEATER TO COVER UP HIS 

ME 'N MY GEE PEE ESS

AND SUMMER WILL NOT COME AGAIN

HELLO - IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?


By the by, I watched Barney's Version, relatively new to DVD. Watch it; don't watch it. It's up to you. I'm tired of Paul Giamatti's hangdog look. However, Minnie Driver is a revelation in hilarity as -- dare I say it? -- a JAP. Being a LAP myself (Lutheran American Princess), I'm wary of these stereotypes.

Infinities of love and independence,

Lola

P.S. My Dear Mrs. Tuna, Please do not read "And Summer Will Not Come Again." The dog died. It happens every fucking time.

SLOVENIA

Gentle Readers,

In between chasing, shushing, and bathing dogs, I want to take a moment to mention that I just saw a woman from Slovenia on TV.

You might not get as excited about Slovenians as I do, but I adore Slovenians because they are my most faithful readers except for Americans.

God Bless You Slovenians! You rule!

Infinities of love,

Lola

WE LOST DR. HECKLE

Gentle Readers,

I am so disappointed. For a couple of days I was up to three followers because someone new named Dr. Heckle had joined us and was even making some amusing comments on my posts.

But I just turned on the computer and alas, no more Dr. Heckle.

What a world, what a world, where people pronounce themselves followers and then drop out when the dirty question comes along - namely, how do people wipe in China and India if they don't have toilet paper?

Or was Heckle offended because I did not follow some blog protocol?

I guess I'll never know because I took a look at Heckle's blog, and I don't think I want to follow it. I just have so much room in my life for following. In reality, I'm a leader.

And as a born leader, tomorrow I finish my training as a crew leader for the census. Soon I will train the people who will pay you a little visit if you didn't mail back your census form.

I never thought I would work for the government. Never thought they would have a job that fits my abilities. I think I can handle this in spite of the fact that we couldn't get answers to some of our questions because our trainer/supervisor couldn't get answers to his questions.

I will do what I have done successfully many times in the past.

I will make it up as I go along.

However, that does not mean I will falsify information. I would never do such a thing. The census really is important. It decides how states will be represented in Congress and it brings funding to areas that need it, and probably some that don't, but that's life.

Love,

Lola