Tuesday, March 18, 2014

GRATITUDE TUESDAY: THE FIRST PALMETTO BUG OF SPRING

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Spring has sprung in Florida. I know we've not yet reached the official day, but spring is here in spite of the calendar.

Remember the flower in the backyard that Franklin showed me on Friday?


But it wasn't the flower that convinced me spring has arrived. It was a palmetto bug. I hadn't seen one of those bastards mo-fos SOBs God's creations in months. Oh, how I have missed the palmetto bugs during our unusually cold winter. I haven't seen a single lizard, either. Not yet.

Anyway, Willy Dunne Wooters and I were watching Breaking Bad on Saturday night. We're almost done with season three. WDW has never seen it. I'm careful not to tell him what's going to happen.

No, not Baking Bread. Breaking Bad.



I headed for the kitchen to get some water and there was a fucking pissy shitty palmetto bug in the hall right outside my bedroom. Remember the little darlings?


I screamed. Then I screamed at Willy Dunne Wooters, Bring a shoe! I wanted to smack the hell out of God's creation. WDW, not hearing too well, dashed out with a napkin.

I screamed. WDW said, Jesus, Janie, don't scream in my ear. Do you have to take away the little bit of hearing I have left?

I screamed. I told WDW, Don't tell me what to do. It's a palmetto bug.

I screamed while WDW tried to crush the palmetto bug in the napkin, but he couldn't grab the sonuvabitch because Mr. Palmetto was too fast. The palmetto bug ran out into the dining room and hid under the china cabinet. He was nowhere to be seen. I grabbed the bug spray and squirted some under the cabinet. Mr. Palmetto ran out and headed back toward the hall.

I screamed and continued to squirt him. He didn't even slow down. Then I remembered I didn't need a shoe because I was wearing slippers with fairly hard soles. I stomped on Mr. Palmetto, laughing with glee. I lifted my foot AND HE WAS STILL ALIVE AND RUNNING STRAIGHT TOWARD ME.

I screamed. Willy Dunne Wooters, my hero who is not allowed to tell me what to do -- especially when it comes to palmetto bugs and screaming -- stepped forward, caught Mr. Palmetto in the napkin, and flushed him down the toilet. No doubt he is running and playing in the sewer and will reemerge, stronger than ever because you can't keep a good palmetto down.

Now, I need to remember why I'm grateful.

Oh, yeah, it's spring. With warmer weather, we have palmetto bugs. It's just a fact of life. But we'll also have walks to the park with Franklin, doggies lounging on the deck, and eventually, swimming in the pool at Willy Dunne Wooters' very nice apartment complex. I bought a swimsuit, and I don't care how I look in it. I'm wearing it. Do you think yellow is a good color for me?




I'm also grateful because Willy Dunne Wooters is enough of a manly man to flush a gigantic palmetto bug. After the flushing, Willy Dunne Wooters picked me up in his manly man arms.


Willy Dunne Wooters always makes me quiver with delight.




Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

43 comments:

  1. I'm laughing. But the thought of feeling that bug between my fingers even through a napkin makes me a little heebie jeebified. It even gives me the willies.

    You're hawt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're hawt in your shades, baby. Yeah, a palmetto bug in a napkin is too creepy. That's why I stomp them and then vacuum them up in the vacuum cleaner that has a bag that's thrown in the trash.

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    2. The American Hustle and Captain Phillips arrive tomorrow. Happy editing.

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    3. American Hustle arrived today. I'm excited.

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  2. I had to look up "palmetto bug." This is the first time I've heard that regionalism. But yeah, I'm not looking forward to the return of those little skittering annoyances. Does bug death always get you "quivering with delight?"

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    1. Oh, baby, they're not little skittering annoyances. You seem to think that a palmetto bug is the same as a cucaracha. Palmetto bugs are 10 times bigger, and they can fly. It's not the bug death that makes me quiver with delight.

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  3. It's a stinking shame every bug in the universe lives here with us. A friend was already flushing stinkbugs, and it's still March! They're June bugs. And then the Junebugs! It's just awful.

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    Replies
    1. Hey! Wait a minute! Don't go talkin' no trash 'bout Junebugs.

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  4. Junebug doesn't like palmetto bug? I'm sweating all over after reading this one, Janie. I'll have you know that some of my best friends are bastards mo-fos SOBs f-cking pissy shitty sonuvabitches. Truth be told, I have a pet palmetto bug named Elmer. I take him for walks in the park on a leash, bought him a cute little outfit at Dillards and have him professionally groomed once a month. Elmer and I have become BFF's.

    Thank you very much, dear friend, for fulfilling my request that you post a selfie on your blog. It was worth the wait. You look marvelous in yellow! I predict that JJ and WDW will become the next celebrity power couple and will appear frequently in the E-T spotlight.

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    Replies
    1. I predict that WDW and I will steal the spotlight from Brad and Angelina. Although I laugh at the thought of Elmer, please do not bring him to visit me.

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  5. When we returned from vacation our son gifted us CDs of all six seasons of "Breaking Bad." We're totally hooked and just getting to the final season.

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    Replies
    1. Well, don't say anything about what happens because WDW doesn't wanna know. BUT THE FINALE IS THE BEST ONE I'VE EVER SEEN FOR A TV SHOW! Remember how the finale of MASH got those huge ratings? That was crap compared to BB.

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  6. Jesus, Janie. It's just a fucking bug. A shotgun would have worked just as well.

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    Replies
    1. shotgun - napkin shotgun - napkin

      I can't make up my mind.

      Delete
  7. I can't hear (or see) the words "palmetto bug" without instantly being transported into Dean Koontz's Intensity. If you're freaked out by palmetto bugs now, just read that book and it will be a thousand fold. I think I need to go read that book again because of this post. And BB is the best show television ever invented. I've been on a marathon session myself, watching it for the second time. Now go hunt some more palmettos!

    -andi

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    Replies
    1. Oh, darling, don't you know by now that I'm too posh to read Dean Koontz?

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  8. I'm waiting for the post informing us that the new author of this blog is the palmetto bug, who, having taken over your household (I'm predicting this event upon his/her return, obviously), has taken over the blog as well.

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    Replies
    1. I wonder what he'll call his blog. If it's not the same palmetto bug, then it will be another one. They're everywhere.

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    2. I know -- PALMETTO BUGS: WE SHALL OVERCOME

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  9. WDW sounds like quite a man.
    Just for the record, I hate those things as much as you do.

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    Replies
    1. I don't know anyone who doesn't hate them.

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  10. Quivering with delight
    Is always a good thing x

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  11. I'd stomp one them vermin for you :)

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    Replies
    1. You wouldn't fool around with a wussy napkin, would you, Mr. Man?

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  12. Oh my goodness- are palmetto bugs synonymous for ROACHES???? ACK!!!! I LOATHE those things- the stuff of nightmares, for sure. I even lose all sense of grammar and punctuation at the thought of one. I am so glad that one is in the sewers.

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    Replies
    1. Not really synonymous with roaches, but if you Google them it will say they're American cockroaches. They're actually about ten times bigger and can fly. Billions and billions are in the sewers.

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  13. Hi Jane! I hate bugs! As you can see I'm back jack, I think yellow would be a lovely color on you and I want a body like the girl in that picture

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  14. I don't know if my other comment went through but it said hi! I'm back. I hate bugs to and yellow would look lovely on you. I want a body like the pic you have up:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It went through. I have comment moderation enabled so you won't see your comments right away.

      Delete
  15. ROFL!!!! My first encounter with a Palmetto bug was when my sister moved to South Carolina. I told her she had roaches...her being a Northern girl herself...she had no idea what the ugly critter was, but she was a neat freak and the thought of roaches in her new abode about brought her to tears.

    Up here, we have the nasty, stinky lady bug impersonators. I'd rather have Palmetto bugs.

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    1. I had the stinky lady bug impersonators in Illinois. The grass is always greener on the other side because I would rather have those than Palmetto bugs.

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  16. I knew it was spring when I started sneezing incessantly again.

    Stupid bugs. We finally broke down and hired a year round service that comes EVERY time I see a crawly. It only took 1.5 years for all of them to disappear. It's so nice living in FL and not being worried about...crawlies. *shudders*

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    Replies
    1. I can't afford a service, but, fortunately, they don't get in the house very often. I do have the occasional run-in with a lizard and, once, a frog.

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  17. Oh my goodness - you got my heart pounding and the rest of me feeling skeevy with this story. The horror! I'm very grateful to not have Palmetto bugs in these parts.

    Have fun w/ the editing!

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    Replies
    1. Editing is always fun. I knew that bugs were bigger in the South, but I had no idea anything could be as big and difficult to kill as a palmetto bug is.

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  18. A man who saves you from indestructible bugs is a good one to keep around, my friend! Yes, BB's ending was very satisfying. Unlike Dexter. :(

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you liked the end of BB. I've been waiting for you to say you'd seen it.

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  19. Bugs give me the creeps, that is all I have today as I am so tried my brain has gone to sleep and my body is awake and when I go to bed you can bet my brain will be awake when my body wants to sleep.

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  20. For some reason, I have a mental picture of you in your yellow bikini with a shotgun, and WDW with a large napkin, stalking palmetto bugs throughout the house. It's pretty hot stuff. Oh, and you're both wearing pith helmets.

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  21. That's pretty much what it looks like around here.

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Got your panties in a bunch? Dig 'em out, get comfortable, and let's chat.