I strongly recommend you click on the link, sent to me by The Hurricane.
http://www.cracked.com/
Now I know who I am. I have discovered my true identity: I am a comma fucker.
It's kind of like being a teenager and finding out that Oh thank the Lord your parents really did adopt you and Paul McCartney is your true father.
Not that I ever imagined such a thing. Before I found out how nuts he was, I wanted Howard Hughes to be my real father. His representative would show up at our door and deem me worthy of being the wealthy man's daughter. Daddy Howard would arrive and swoop me up and carry me off in a private plane while I waved a happy goodbye to the obnoxious strangers who had pretended to be my parents.
How dare they insist that I clean up my room? Daddy Howard would provide a maid for my personal use. Maids are there to clean rooms. Not me. I was meant for bigger things. Daddy would let me finish high school at home and then he would groom me to take over one of his most important companies.
Oh, Daddy. Why did you have to die crazy with the whole world knowing that your finger and toe nails were long and thick for wont of being cut? And who was my real mommy? Did I even have a real mommy, or did you hatch a scheme for me to be born in a womb with a view?
I guess I have to spend the rest of my life knowing that I am, in fact, my wonderful (late) parents' daughter. Those people produced a true comma fucker.
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
By the bye, I wish I had an award for Stephanie (a.k.a. Stephanola to my Janieola) at http://thestephanieconnection.blogspot.com/. Her suggestion for my book title, Poop! There It Is! makes me laugh out loud every time I look at it. Stephanie, You are a real gem. You have no idea how difficult it is to make me laugh out loud, especially repeatedly. I tend to be a laugh on the inside kind of person unless I'm with The Hurricane. She makes me laugh so hard I could just wet myself.
Wonderful! You're a comma fucker and I'm someone who wouldn't know how to properly use them if you beat me to death with a truck full of them. I can see we'll get along just fine. :)
ReplyDeleteOh well, off to buy me some of that grief bacon they mentioned in the article. Sounds awesome!
I guess there is a reason I speak English...I can say (or pronounce) those words or phrases on The Hurricane's site. Christ, English is hard enough without having to roll the tongue (other than during sex acts) or grunt or clear your throat while saying something. I'll stick to my Southernese.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Rick. I'll tell you where to put your commas.
ReplyDeleteCoffey, I hope I hear your Southernese whispered in my ear someday, as in "Y'all are gonna inherit my money."
MY, God, Janie, that, site, had, almost, 1, &, a, half, million, hits,! FUNNY!!
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only one.
ReplyDeleteLaughing at your womb with a view remark, as I am reading this after I left my comment on the previous post.
Yeah, starting to think we really are related...
fishducky, That's a lot of hits. The Hurricane gave a housewarming brunch on Sunday. She and her friends were talking about the article.
ReplyDeleteJane, Perhaps we are twins separated at birth -- except you were born three years after I was. Life is amazing and filled with marvelous miracles. Now I know I'm a comma fucker AND I'm your sister.
What a great site...
ReplyDeleteI'm woeful at English, which is both shameful and funny as I now have a Communication team in work.
G, Your English seems much better than that of most Americans. I'm glad you enjoyed the site.
ReplyDeleteThis was utterly brilliant! lol And Poop! There it is! LOL Lots of brilliance here! lol
ReplyDeleteFrisky, Isn't that Stephanie a riot? Who wouldn't want to buy a book with that title?
ReplyDeleteHoly Hell, I have Kummerspeck!
ReplyDeleteWonder if I can take a pill for that?
Juli, That sounds nasty, you skank.
ReplyDelete