SAVE ME FROM PHYSICAL HEALTH FOR KIDS

My Friends,

My blog seems to have been infiltrated by a blog called "Physical Health For Kids." I'm not putting a link here lest you should click on it and be caught in their web.

As I looked at my blog roll this afternoon, I saw Physical Health For Kids and thought, This is strange. I haven't signed up to follow anyone whose blog has this name.

And then I continued through my blog roll and found one post after another from Physical Health For Kids -- 44 posts, to be exact.

When I look at the blog, it has no contact information, no author, no nothing except post after post about kids.

I looked through the list of blogs I follow, and I recognized all the names.

I don't know how to get rid of Physical Health For Kids.

HELP!

Love,

Janie

PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS WITH ELVIS AARON SCHWARZ

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Preparing for Christmas with Elvis Aaron Schwarz is like getting ready for the holiday with a small child.

What could be better? No one enjoys Christmas more than young children.

Elvis knows about one gift I'm giving him for Christmas because he put it on his Amazon wish list. After I told him I had seen the wish list, I mentioned he was getting a few other gifts -- just small things.

What are they? he asked.

I'm not telling you, I sputtered. They're surprises.

Brief pause.

How many are there? he asked.

I'm not telling you, I squealed. You have to wait and be surprised on Christmas.

Last year, I didn't feel very Christmasy. This year, the tree is up, it's partially decorated, and gifts are under it.

Elvis Aaron Schwarz has the spirit of Christmas every day.

This man makes me want to sing and dance and take off my clothes!

Ain't love grand?

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

ELVIS AARON SCHWARZ MAKES ME LAUGH

Yes, Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell, it's true. Elvis Aaron Schwarz makes me laugh. I'd even venture to say that I giggle hysterically when he's around.

Hi! Remember me?
I'm Elvis Aaron Schwarz.
I love to make my baby doll giggle.
Sometimes she laughs so hard I'm afraid she'll pee.

Elvis Aaron Schwarz has figured out that I'm ticklish. He's not foolish enough to grab me and tickle me, though. Oh, no. Not that sly devil. Instead he puts his arm around me ever so sweetly and then just flicks his fingers across one or two of my ribs. 

The tickling and the chosen method make me scream with laughter. Now all he has to do is move toward me and I go into paroxysms of giggles. I admit it's not very romantic behavior, but HE STARTED IT, MOM!

About ten days ago, Elvis Aaron Schwarz told me he was giving me a piece of jewelry for Christmas that would make my friends' eyes pop out. Wow, I thought, this must be some pretty nice jewelry. And I am a jewelry whore.

Then he showed up on Thanksgiving and said he'd had second thoughts about the jewelry. Figured he'd better show it to me before he bought it to make sure I would wear it.

Here's the item:

My friends' eyes would pop out all right. I can just hear Carol saying, What has gotten into you? First, pink and blue hair, and now crazy jewelry.

I laughed and told Elvis that I most definitely would not wear that necklace. When The Hurricane arrives for Christmas -- oh yeah, she'll be here this year -- she'll probably give Elvis lessons in junebug jewelry shopping. She picked out my marquis-cut amethyst ring, the one with REAL diamonds and no skull with FAKE diamonds. It's my favorite ring.

Elvis has the thought that counts deal going; he needs to learn the method.

Elvis Aaron Schwarz also knows exactly what to say to irritate me, which makes him laugh, and then I laugh. He insists that The Hurricane looks exactly like Chelsea Clinton.

Here's Chelsea Clinton.
She has a father who's a slut.

Here's The Hurricane (left) with her older and nicer sister.
She has a father who's a slut.
Any resemblance to Chelsea Clinton ends there.
But will Elvis Aaron Schwarz stop saying that The Hurricane looks like Chelsea?
Of course not.

Elvis Aaron Schwarz insists that when The Hurricane comes to town, he's going to meet her at the airport, holding up a piece of cardboard that says CHELSEA. Or better yet, he said enthusiastically, he would find some official looking person to tap her on the shoulder and say, Right this way, Miss Clinton.

These assertions on Elvis' part make me sputter and spit that no child of mine looks like Chelsea Clinton. Then Elvis becomes more insistent that, yes, she looks like Chelsea and he's going to call her Chelsea. We argue until I can't talk because I'm laughing so hard.

Last, but not least on the giggles list, is Elvis' Farts Are Fun Club.

Hi! Remember me?
I'm Elvis Aaron Schwarz.
This is what I look like when I convene a
meeting of the Farts Are Fun Club.
Man, farting makes my baby doll giggle.

When the Farts Are Fun Club holds a meeting, we're usually in bed. Elvis makes a motion to fart. I second the motion, and he lets loose. The meeting continues as he waves the covers up and down to blow the stench toward my face, which for some reason I don't understand, also makes me giggle hysterically.

What can I say? I'm just a giggler at heart.

When Elvis isn't calling me baby doll, then I'm his silly wabbit.

How can I not think this man is adorable?

Next time, I'll try to remember to tell you WHAT GETTING READY FOR CHRISTMAS WITH ELVIS AARON SCHWARZ is like.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

CYBER WHAT? MONDAY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

So, who went shopping on Black Friday? I can't wait to hear about it.

As for me, I believe in the joy of Cyber Monday. Today's question is the following:

How much Christmas shopping do you do online and how much do you do in person? Or, do you simply say "the hell with it"?

I have reached my goal of doing 100 percent of my shopping online. But this year, I didn't even wait for Cyber Monday. I started watching for interesting Christmas presents a couple of months ago. I've gotten some great ideas from Groupon.

If you haven't heard of it yet, Groupon offers deals on jewelry, dining, clothes, toys -- all sorts of stuff. And it's partly customized for the area in which you live. I've gotten local restaurant deals from them a couple of times, including $20 worth of food for $10. For a restaurant groupon, you make the purchase from groupon and then print out a coupon type thingy and take it to the restaurant with you. Other purchases are usually online orders. Pick out what you want, and it arrives in the mail.

I have yet to be disappointed in a groupon purchase. Go to groupon.com to sign up for groupon deliveries. They send you emails with daily deals.

I also love shopping with Amazon.com. Did you know that you can buy an Amazon gift card for as little as 15 cents? Who gives a 15 cent gift card? I ask you.

Probably Dr. X.

The Grinch is much skinnier -- and nicer --
than Dr. X, whose heart has not grown to the size of
a real human being's.

Amazon also has an app now that allows you to put items from other sites on your Amazon wish list. If any of you would like to give me a present from my wish list, all you have to do is use the wish list search box and put in my email address, which is dumpedfirstwife@gmail.com, and you'll see what I want for Christmas.

Knock yourself out shoppin' for me. You'd better believe I'll say thank you.

Now, tell me, please, about your shopping habits:

How much Christmas shopping do you do online and how much do you do in person? Or, do you simply say "the hell with it"?

I really wanna know what you're up to. And I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. I did. I sat on the deck and read a book and then Elvis Aaron Schwarz came by and I heated up some turkey and veggies that had been delivered by the Schwan's man, Craig. Craig is my Schwan's man. If you want to order from Schwan's at schwans.com, then you'll get your own Schwan's man for Christmas. 

And I hope your Schwan's man looks like Elvis Aaron Schwarz.

I want Elvis Aaron Schwarz for Christmas. Oh, hell yes.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Please note that nobody paid me nothin' to say I buy stuff from these businesses. I actually buy from them and really and truly like them. 

I wish somebody would pay me, though. If you want to pay me, please let me know.

ALL THE BIGGEST BESTEST NEWS FROM DOGTOWN

Hi Everybuddy!

It's me me me me me me me. I'm me. I'm Franklin the Bordernese. I don't know what Bordernese means, but I know it's what I am and that it makes me beautiful and special. And I know that Franklin is my name. Yes! Me! I'm Franklin!

Sorry, but I don't feel like looking at the camera right now, but you
can still see the pretty colors of my fur. I'm black and white
and brindled on my back.

Mom said I could write The News From Dogtown cuz she still has mentalpaws and it makes her head hurt. She has a crystal glass and she's drinking whine. She said I couldn't have any because whine is just for moms who have mentalpaws.

The biggest, bestest news is that we have a new friend. He's come to see us twice. His name is elvisenronshorts.

It's funny, but the way elvisenronshorts looks changes all the time. Scout and Harper and I don't care what elvisenronshorts looks like, though. We're just happy cuz he likes doggies.

Scout even got to go to elvisenronshorts' house to meet his dog, Dixie. Scout said Dixie is real nice for a bitch. Scout and Dixie played chase and spin in circles. I wish I coulda gone, too. Maybe Mom will take me next time. I wanna play with Dixie.

The last time that elvisenronshorts came here, he stayed the whole night. He slept in the bedroom that used to be for Favorite Young Man. Harper and I got in bed with elvisenronshorts and cuddled him. He was very snuggly, I thought, but Harper said that elvisenronshorts is a cover hog. He said elvis rolled himself up in the covers and then every time he turned over he took the sheet and the blanket with him and Harper got cold. Harper would rather sleep with Mom, even though she's fussy with hot flashes, but I like to sleep with elvisenronshorts.

I've lived here with Mom and Harper and Scout for a little more than two years now. It's chilly and rainy outside right now. I'm glad I get to live in the nice cozy house, and Mom is good at putting kibble in our food bowls. Wow! When I was out on my own, I never knew that life could be this good.

Some more biggest, bestest news is that Mom's friends write books, and sometimes she helps a little bit. She's happy because our friend Peaches was here on our blog yesterday. Peaches wrote Day Laughs, Night Cries. You can buy it at amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Day-Laughs-Night-Cries-Fifteen/dp/0988405407.

Mom is also excited because our friend Elisa has a new book that will be available soon. It's called Homeless In Hawaii.

 I already called dibs to be the first doggie to read this book.

We wish we could meet Elisa. She's real pretty. Mom talks to Elisa on the phone and she says, You is smart. You is kind. You is a good person.

We don't know what in the hell happens to Mom's grammar when she talks on the phone to Elisa.

That's Elisa on the right.
We're not sure who the girl on the left is,
but she looks kinda familiar.
She looks a little bit like Mom.

Mom says that Thanksgiving is next week and that she's glad it's early this year because it gives her a head start on her holiday depression. It's a good thing Mom has us to cheer her up. We'll give her lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles. As soon as I finish typing, I'm going to sit next to Mom and we'll read a book together.

I love you a whole bunch, Everybuddy. Elisa, we hope The Zombie Elf is okay. We wish we could kiss him till he's better.

I love you! I love you lots! That's all The News From Dogtown.

Love,

Franklin and the Z-Boys

DAY LAUGHS, NIGHT CRIES: FIFTEEN -- ESCAPE

Welcome, Peaches D. Ledwidge. This is Peaches’ first stop on her 10-day blog tour. I had the honor of being one of the early readers of Peaches Ledwidge’s memoir, Day Laughs, Night Cries: Fifteen. I pored over each page with fascination as I traveled through time with Peaches from her earliest memories of her childhood, through her difficult adolescence, and finally, to young womanhood.

The memoir enthralled me, but I especially loved Peaches’ writing style. She rocks and rolls to the beat of a Jamaican drum, even when night falls and brings its terrors.

I was one of the copy editors for this book. I’m very proud to have had a small part in this accomplished work. I look forward to more great writing from Peaches Ledwidge.

========

Janie, thanks for hosting me. Readers, thanks in advance for taking the time to read this post. My tour is theme based. Readers, you are privy to the first excerpt posted anywhere on the Internet. Here is a glimpse into the theme of escape.

Fifteen-year-old female has just escaped. She stands five feet six inches. Weighs about 110 pounds. Has a straight nose. Small, evil eyes. Massive jawbones, according to an unnamed source. Normal ears. Fingers long enough to play guitar or piano.

She has a scar on her forehead, but sometimes she covers it with her long hair, which she usually combs back in a ponytail. Medium-brown complexion. Not so bad looking.

She has pimples, mainly on her forehead. Also some brown spots, a result of her picking the pimples. The pimples are not contagious. But, according to another unnamed source, she has been quarantined at home – after her escape.

We don’t know the reason for her escape. What we do know is that this is her second escape. She may have an accomplice. It might be more difficult to catch her a second time. This teenager, according to her Mama and her former friends, is cunning and evil, with strong hatred in her heart.

Do not approach her. Call the police if you see her. She could kill.

Please join me on my tour. Please see my blog to know my next stop as you tune in for my next theme-based post. For everyone who leaves a comment, your name will be entered into a raffle and if picked, you will be eligible for a Day Laughs, Night Cries t-shirt and a tote bag (see my Blog). Please ensure that we can reach you.

For more information, please click on the links below.

Peaches D. Ledwidge

Day Laughs, Night Cries: Fifteen - Trailer

Blog

Amazon

Twitter

Facebook - Like the page

Thanks again and see you at my next stop.

MISS CONCEPTION

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

The Hurricane has a new nickname -- Miss Conception. Every time I tell this anecdote I start to laugh so hard that my speech becomes incomprehensible, so if you have difficulty reading my writing, it's because I'm laughing so hard.

Miss Conception was listening to the president's victory speech, following the election, obviously. President Obama said that we want out children to grow up in an America that's "not threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet."

Miss Conception thought he said, "not threatened by the destructive power of a Mormon planet."

I thought that was hilarious.

The big news from Favorite Young Man and Little Chick is that President Jimmy Carter now lives with them. No, his wife didn't kick him out.

Actually, it would be pretty funny if she finally became so angry about his comment to "Playboy" so many years ago that he lusted after women in his heart that she said, Jimmy, Get the hell outa my bed. So he had to move in with FYM and LC.

However, President Jimmy Carter is, in fact, a stray cat who now makes his home with my animal loving children.

I think Little Chick and President Jimmy Carter make a beautiful couple. Fortunately, their dogs seem to find that having a president in their midst is not such a bad thing. 

Reminder: Peaches Ledwidge in my bloghouse on Wednesday. She starts her blog tour here to promote the release of her memoir, Day Laughs, Night Cries. Don't miss out on this special appearance by Peaches!

And please click on my ads. If you keep it up, I might actually earn enough money to put a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug