Monday, April 12, 2010


Gentle Readers,

Dr. Heckle very kindly agreed to sit on the toilet that was out with the trash near my house, but unfortunately, Heckle dear, the toilet is gone.

We have to concoct another scheme.

I have long wanted to get a group of people together at Lowe's and have them sit on the toilets (trou down) and get in the bathtubs and showers (sans all clothing) that are on display. I would photograph them and create a bathroom book. The photos are of people pretending to be in bathrooms and you put the book in your bathroom so people can browse while they're relaxing on the throne or soaking in the bubbles.

I am not out to create porn. I want a normal guy with a spare tire pretending to scrub his back in a shower; a woman wrapped in a towel emerging from a dry tub; rows of toilets sat upon by people all reading the same magazine or maybe working on those crossword puzzle books that some folks seem to enjoy so much -- pencils in hand, all in the same position. Everybody on the same page. Or maybe recreating The Thinker.

The possibilities are endless.

And imagine the hilarity of running around to get the photos before we got booted from the store. Maybe Home Depot wouldn't mind. I've never been in a Home Depot and seen anybody who seemed to care about anything.

Dr. Heckle, are you with me? Anybody else? Bueller? Bueller?



Just so ya know, I took my oath today and swore to uphold, protect, and defend the Constitution as an employee of the 2010 Census. And because census info is confidential, I have nothing more to say. Even if Don Rumsfeld himself water boarded me, I would not divulge anything.
except maybe to Dick Cheney because I don't want to have a hunting accident 'cuz you know that guy Cheney shot in the face worked for the census and he had all the dirt on Democrats. You knew that already, right? Right?
oops - i think i just violated my oath of office


  1. Sounds good... You have any publishers lined up yet?

  2. Dear Dr. Heckle,

    You are so mahvelously loyal. Don't have the publisher lined up, so maybe we should get some practice shots while I look for one. Do you want to be in the shower or on the toilet?


  3. How about both. At the same time.

  4. If you are able to lift a toilet into a tub or shower, then I say go for it. The more unusual the better. However, I once worked in an occupational medicine clinic where one of my tasks was to keep the doctor on task with his dictation. One day he was dictating and said, "Patient injured his shoulder throwing a toilet." I just don't want you to get hurt, so please lift the toilet carefully and place it gently in the tub or shower - no toilet tossing.


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